Thoughts...on an upcoming surgery....

In two days I am going in for surgery.  This will be the biggest surgery I've ever had in my life and something that has me thinking.... 

• Maybe it's being in medicine now and knowing all the possible things that could go wrong, but it has me nervous. 
• Maybe its the fact that coming to the decision to have this surgery has been more than 2 years in the making, and it has me thinking... if I've lived with it this long, why don't I just keep living this way.
• There's also an emotional component to this that, well it has me kind of a ball of emotions. 

Making the decision to have surgery has been something I've wrestled with for a very long time, and I don't think anyone goes into a surgery not hoping that in the long run it will be worth it.  But the truth is, that the changes happening are permanent and once they go in, it will never be the same.

I've never been good with change.  I inherited a worry gene, and if there is one thing I'm really good at, it is worrying.  I lay awake at night thinking and pondering and wondering and thinking, and pondering and wondering.  

As I go into this surgery, I've had the time to ponder if this isn't a surgery I come out of, what would I want my legacy to be, and how would I want to be remembered.  I've always said being a mom to my children and partner to Jarrett will always be my legacy.  I hope I am remembered for being kind, for sharing my talents with others, for sharing how I felt so others knew they were cared about.  At the end of my days here though, I am most proud, most thankful for, and lived for my family.  I hope they will always know how much I cared for them, how much I tried my very best to give everything I could to them and how I'll always be so honored I was selected to be in their lives.

I don't mean to sound down or negative, but truthfully, this is what has been racing through my mind, and I thought I want them to know.  I'm confident things will go well, and I'm so hopeful in several weeks I'll feel better.  Someone told me the road will get harder first after the surgery but to be hopeful it will be better in the long run.  

I look forward to having time to hopefully rest, to find comfort in what was repaired and to be okay with just sitting and resting (that doesn't happen often in this house).

I'll wrap up tonight with a simple ask... if you happen to have time to drop a prayer to God on Thursday of this week... can you ask for prayers for a successful surgery, for my surgeons to do their best work, and for a recovery filled with rest and comfort.  I'd so greatly appreciate it.  

And look forward to writing many more future blog posts.

Until next time,

Angie  

Happy 18th Birthday Gabe!

 Happy 18th birthday Gabe!  Today (well technically tomorrow but it's almost tomorrow where you are anyway and I have to work tomorrow early so I thought I better post tonight) begins your official journey into adulthood.  I am excited for you.  I am nervous, you wouldn't expect anything less than that from me would you?  I am happy to watch you work toward your dreams and aspirations.  And honestly, I'm a bit sad that it has all gone so quickly.

Our first picture bringing you home

One of my favorite pictures of you.  Those eyes can tell so many stories. So beautiful Gabe.

This week I've spent a lot of time thinking back to the last 14 years we've spent together and how I can still remember the moment of your first birthday we shared together.  While it was your 5th birthday, it was the first for us to celebrate together.  I remember thinking we had all the time in the world to show you all the things we wanted to share, to teach you all the wisdoms you'll need to be successful in life, and to guide you to be all you can be. 

I wish I could say we got all of those things accomplished, truthfully we didn't.  And while the last few years have been spent in a way I don't think any of us could have anticipated or dreamed of, I wanted to share with you a few thoughts.

• While 18 might seem like you're an adult and on your own to do what you want to do, I want you to know, we will still be here to cheer you on.  Heck, I'm 43 and I still call my parents multiple times a week because there is something I don't know, or advice I need from them.  Remember we are only a phone call or text away.
• Work hard and even when you're tired, rest for a bit, and then get back to working hard.  I know I've told you this for years, but there is no short cut for hard work.  Do everything you can with quality and try as hard as you can.  Always keep an open mind for learning, listen to those who know more, and who are willing to share knowledge.  
• Make good health choices.... Gabe my birthday wish for you is that you make choices that make yourself proud and that make you the healthiest you can be.  Listen to that feeling in your gut, it won't lead you astray.  And then at the end of the day, you can hold your head up, that you did right.
• Give to others and don't expect anything in return.  Some of the best moments in my life have been when I've given to others and watched them find happiness and joy; without wanting anything in return.  I often try to think of what others would like that can make them happy and then I try to do acts of kindness.  Some of the happiest moments I've had are when I feel like others' lives are better because of the little bit of kindness shared.  I know how much this will remind you of Noah, and I want you to know that it hasn't gone unnoticed that you wear Noah's bracelet.  That act alone Gabe has made me feel happiness and brought me joy... bet you didn't even know you wearing his bracelet gave happiness to others. 
• Love genuinely and completely.  I know how much you care about Suzy and how deeply you feel about her.  My advice for love is this... build a strong foundation on honesty, care and concern for the other.  Know that when hard times come, it will be the foundation you've built that will keep you moving ahead.  
• Find joy in the small moments.... life is hard.  There will be days when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and wonder how you'll ever get to where you need to be.  Remember life is about the journey.... not where we all end up.  Find moments everyday of gratitude.  Even taking 2 minutes to find something to be happy about, or to give thanks in, will help you to stay in the moment and find joy as you get where you're headed. 

And finally Gabe I want you to know this... I have loved you from the first day I met you and I'll love you beyond my last day here.  I know we've had many good times, our share of hard times and that life hasn't been what we hoped the last few years.  That being said, I'm thankful we've come over that hard time and I look forward to what awaits in the future. Earlier today I read the message I wrote you on your 5th birthday and the wishes I sent for you.  What I realized is that my wishes for you are the same.

Here's a little flashback in case you'd like to read.

Gabe, happiest of birthday's to you.  Wishing you the very best today, tomorrow and always.

Love you always,

Mom and Dad

Happy Halloween

 This year we reused an oldie but a goodie family costume set and we all went as the Wizard of Oz.  It was a fun evening although we cut things a bit shorter than past years, because we wanted to get home to watch the D-Backs in the world series.  

My favorite parts of the nights were 

• that Michael and Isabelle still joined us and participated in the family costume (even though I'm sure it wasn't the cool thing to do)
• watching Finn run as fast as he could to try and keep up with this siblings.
• seeing Jennings understand the deeper part of Halloween, the giving part.  What warmed my heart the most is when we got home and each of the kids were going through their haul of candy, the doorbell rang with trick or treaters at the door.  Immediately Jennings threw all of his candy into his hat and he ran to the door.  When we opened the door and I stuck out the bucket with our candy to give away, Jennings stuck out his hat and said, "Here you can have some of my candy too!  You can take a few pieces!  Before he reached into his hat, grabbed several pieces of candy, and then put it into the kids' bags.  I literally was so touched, I didn't even think to grab my phone to capture the moment.  Even today, now days later, I found Jennings in the pantry filling a sack full of treats for anyone who comes to our door to share with them.
• One more memory from earlier in the day was watching Madelyn trot off to school fully dressed in her Glenda the Good Witch costume.  While most of the kids thought she was a fairy princess, the teachers and principal thought her costume was a hit!  

Here are a few of our photos from Halloween night.  Moments to cherish!

Cutest lion in all the land!

This was BEFORE any candy was consumed!  Jennings just runs high on life.

Dorothy hadn't made her arrival yet.

Fun times!

Until next time,

Angie