Saying good bye.... Grandma Hazel

(I started this blog posts a few weeks ago and decided to finish it today)

How do you say good bye when you know it’s going to be the last time you’ll get to say it?  Honestly, I don’t know. 

Maybe it’s because I’ve never been comfortable with death.  I hope I’m not alone.  I’ve had a very blessed life and in that time I haven’t lost a lot of people.  And for those who I love and who have left this earth for Heaven or eternal happiness, or whatever one believes,  I know saying good bye was NOT easy and something I wish we never had to do.  In this journey of life though, death is as much a part of it as birth is, and so, while hard to talk about, is something that’s a reality we all face.

Sadly Jarrett’s grandmother, Hazel is entering into her final journey here on Earth and preparing for what awaits her beyond us here.  In a way, I guess we are all doing this; though as I type this today, Hazel’s just a bit further down the path than we are.  Hazel has lived a very good life.  She has brought five wonderful children, now grown adults into this life, who have gone on to have wonderful families of their own.  From the first time I met Hazel now 18 plus years ago, she reminded me of my grandmother and immediately I knew she was a wonderful, wonderful lady. 

Hazel is the essence of someone who shows care and concern for others, while compassionately giving of herself and asking little if nothing in return.  While I didn’t know Hazel for most of her life, I do know she has always been a hard working woman and mom.  As a young mom she helped work on the farm, while later going to work in town.  In her later years, she volunteered so much of her time to help those who needed it, to keep company with those at the hospital who were sick and to visit those who couldn’t get out to visit themselves.  We often joked that every time we’d call to talk to Grandma Hazel she’d be hosting someone for lunch, for coffee or for cards.    

Of the many stories I’ve heard about Grandma Hazel, and the hundreds of others, I was there to witness, there is always one common thread.  Her love.  Grandma Hazel puts her love into everything she touches.  From the family tradition of lefse she made for each and every holiday, to her handwritten and detailed birthday cards, making sure to mention something that was happening back in town, of course the weather, and always concluding it with, Love always, Grandma Hazel.  It was obvious, she gave her love freely and openly.

I sometimes wondered how her heart was so full of love and selfless.  Grandma Hazel, while having a blessed life, also faced moments of extreme heartbreak.  I understand when she was young, her family was in a car accident and her mother was killed.  As if losing a mother at such a young age wasn’t enough to scar one’s heart, as a mom herself, she received the devastating news that her daughter, Connie, a teacher, fainted upon hearing the news that one of he students was in an accident, and  fainted resulting in injuries she succumbed to.  Having to bury your child?  I cannot imagine the pain and permanent heartache.  Yet that was the struggle Hazel faced with unwavering faith and believe Connie was called home to be with her God. When Connie would come up in conversation, she talked about what had happened matter a factly, and I think it was only because of her strong faith in knowing Connie is in Heaven with God that she was able to find peace.

And it seems peace is where she is today. Sadly she is in the hospital fighting with pneumonia and complications from lymphoma but she’s at peace with how this struggle may play out. Jarrett’s parents are back home with her and keep us posted on how she’s doing.  From here, we feel helpless and hope that the prayers we send are reaching her.  Jarrett’s mom, Sharon shared with us that her mom’s mantra as of late has been “Please Lord take me home.”  It brings tears to my eyes to know that she’s ready to leave, and I know it makes her entire family’s heart ache about what’s to come.  To not be afraid of dying but to welcome it, is a true testament to the faith that Grandma Hazel must have.

(written today) 

Just this past January, I made a quick trip back to Iowa for two days.  While there, I stopped out to see Grandma Hazel, who had already moved from her own apartment into an assisted living facility with her awareness she needed some extra help.  It was mid-morning and I figured it was plenty late to stop in and say hi.  As I arrived Hazel was just rising as she had been up most of the night in pain.   I felt bad for not calling ahead to ask if I could visit and for dropping in unannounced.  I apologized profusely, but she would have none of it.  That’s just the person she is.  Instead she apologized for not being dressed and for not having something made to feed me, she was as welcoming as she always was, fussing about me and not thinking twice about herself.   Thinking of others always before herself, that's just the way she was.

I remember leaving that visit with Grandma Hazel and thinking that was probably one of the last memories I'd have of us being together.  I could tell her heath was declining but her spirit and ever present love was as strong as ever.  This past Friday, Jarrett and I made the decision to drive back to Iowa to be with her and his family.  We knew the purpose for this trip would be filled with heartache as we knew we'd have to say good bye.  

We drove 28 straight hours, arriving at 11:30 p.m. on Saturday night.  We went straight to the nursing home arrive in time to say our final good bye.  She was surrounded by family who prayed continuously and dotted on her like she had done for all of us for so long.  One of the great staff members at the home, Roger, brought in the keyboard from the main gathering room and played hymns  as we shared our final words with her. While we knew our good bye messages would not be returned by her voice, we are confident she heard us tell her how much we loved her.  Grandma Hazel passed away less than 13 hours after our arrival.  We later learned that Jarrett was Grandma Hazel's last grandchild to see her in the last month.  Some of the family believes she was waiting for us to arrive before she left us.  

Losing a loved one is never easy and we will miss her deeply. When I think of what it means to live a good life and to be a good person, I can't help but think of Grandma Hazel.  She lived by the word of God, giving of herself, sharing love with all she met, and left this world a better place.  We say our final good bye to her in two days but the lasting impression she left on our lives and in our hearts will always be with us.  

All our love to you Grandma Hazel. You will be truly missed.

Until next time,

Angie

The circus...

Last week, Aunt MaeLyn came to town to spend some time with us.  We LOVE having visitors and while she was here we decided to go to the zoo.  I remember as a child going to the traveling zoo that came through our town.  They set up a huge tent and bleachers inside at our local town park.  My mom took us kids to the performance and I remember thinking it was the neatest thing I had ever seen.  I remember getting to ride a pony and seeing the animals (mainly horses, donkeys and dogs).  I even think they might have had an elephant because I remember a huge gray funny looking animal as I search back through my memory bank, and so I’m deciding, yes, it was an elephant.

In our time of having the kids we’ve never really gone to the circus.  One time we went to a circus-esk sort of program.  They had horses, strange animals, and trapeze artists.  I guess you could classify it a circus if you google the meaning of circus.  According to the ever so reliable and trusted source of Wikipedia, a circus is:

A circus is a company of performers that may include clowns, acrobats, trained animals, trapeze acts, musicians, hoopers, tightrope walkers, jugglers, unicyclists and other object manipulation and stunt-oriented artists.

With that definition I guess I better clarify, we’ve never taken the family to the greatest show on earth.  That, by definition, is the Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus.  Since the circus was in town we decided to go. 

I admit my thoughts about the circus are somewhat different now as an adult.  As we walked toward the performance arena, there were protestors outside from PETA.  They showed very disturbing images of animals being “trained” to perform in the circus. I have seen some shows talking about how the animals are treated as they get them “trained” for the act.  I think my heart for animals has turned into a complete softy (not that it was ever anti-animals) but now I admit freely; my heart goes out to animals who are treated poorly.  I guess that’s another gift our little Jack has taught me.  He’s given us as much love as some people do.  And I openly admit I did think about the animals and how they were “trained” the entire time I was at the show. What a hypocrite I am to say I felt bad for the animals while I paid money to go see them, thus funding and reinforcing their training practices.  I think there are two sides to this story and there might be time to debate who is right later.

 Anyway, I’ll get off my soap box now and return to the story…

 I tried to distract the kids from the shouts and distrusting pictures by instead drawing their attention to the people dressed up in cow costumes next to the front entrance (Thank goodness Chick-Fil-A helped sponsor the circus).  Isabelle was immediately thrilled and could have spent the entire 2 hours outside in the 110 degree heat talking to the cows.  She LOVED them and in classic 2-year old fashion, had a screaming, kicking fit as we made her go inside!  Meanwhile, the boys were searching for evidence that indeed we were going to see an action packed circus and not just some performances Gabriel classified as “baby stuff” in the lobby.  My aunt had warned me.  She said, “There are TONS of things at the circus they will try to sell your kids, you may want to bring along some treats or snacks so you don’t spent $15 on crap you don’t need.”  I heeded her warning and came prepared.  I brought different new candy and treats and was determined to make it through the lobby and the concourse level without spending any other money.  It was hard, there was stuff EVERYWHERE!  They had lighty, glowing spinning sticks that of course Michael was determined we just HAD to buy.  Isabelle smelled and saw popcorn.    In her new infinity of loving popcorn, screamed over and over for it until we finally gave in , but not until intermission so we should get some parents-are-still-in-control points right?

Yes, Isabelle is behind that big box.  She couldn't be bothered for quite a while, while she enjoyed her popcorn.

Finally we got her to put her box down far enough for me to actually see her face!

Gabriel saw snow cones, lemonade containers, cotton candy and airplane disk boomerangs he asked for.  When we declined his requests, he came back with another request for gum, which we declined too, knowing soon enough I’d be pulling out my surprise candy and making their day happy again.  After making it through the tunnel of a parent’s nightmare, we found our seats and heard the announcement the show was about to start in 3 minutes.

Soon enough the lights when down and the music began.  Isabelle, now sitting on my lap, stopped calling for popcorn and was sucked in, just like the boys.  As the show began, I looked over at the boys who were sitting on each side of dad and both of them had their mouths open and were staring straight ahead.  

I then looked at Isabelle, also completely entertained and got all sappy.  Yep, that’s right, I had to tell myself to stop the tears from welling up in my eyes.  Going to the circus was not just an instant decision for us.  These days we scrutinize our spending into two ways… do we need it or do we want it?  Pretty much the stuff we want is always a definite no, while some of the stuff we classify as a need, is then re-evaluated as “Do we need it now?”  With that sort of perspective, you can see how much I debated back and forth about spending the money on the circus.  As I sat there in my chair with my family and sister, getting all teary-eyed, I realized again, just how much moments like this mean to me. 

 I know this time is so short and the time we have of them being young, innocent and in wonder with the world is fleeting and that’s why I was emotional.  I tried my best to soak up the moments of Michael on the edge of his seat, clapping along as the tiger trainer put his face up to the lion’s mouth.  

Or the moment when Gabriel started shouting out his masculine cheers as the motorcycle and stunt driver on the tight rope 50 feet above the floor revved up his bike to race across the sky.  

And the moment when Isabelle couldn't contain her excitement of the elephants any longer and could only respond by jumping up and down and up and down and up and down while shouting continuously as they paraded around the arena. 
The kids found the entire performance enjoyable and I’d have to say us adults did too.   After the show was over, dad asked everyone what their favorite act was.  Gabriel: the motor cycle guy, Michael: the lion/tiger tamer, Isabelle: the elephants.  MaeLyn and Dad the trapeze performers.  While I picked one act I thought was pretty impressive, I have to say my favorite act was not on the floor below us, but it was right in our seats.  The best act for me to watch was in the excitement and awe of watching my kids watch the acts.  To see the magic they see in the performers standing on top of their bikes or the danger of the 7 dirt bike racers inside a tiny steel ball or the performing dogs that jump over lamas.   It was watching my kids… that was my favorite act of all.

What  I’m thankful for was the afternoon of quality family time spent with my kids, my sister and my hubby.  It is my hope that 30 some years from now my children will look back on their childhood and remember the time that we spent as a family enjoying each other. 

Until next time,

Angie

This is another one of my favorite pictures... the picture of peace and quiet on the way home from the circus!