Time, you're just going too fast!

Last night we went to meet the teacher night for the boys. Michael will be going into 4th grade and Gabriel into 5th, his final year of elementary school.  As we walked through the hallways of the school with the boys, our brand new daughter and our other daughter (who begged constantly to go to Kindergarten), I couldn't shake the thoughts in my mind... Where have my little boys gone?  The ones we picked up on that sunny and hot May day back in 2010.  These little guys...

Or these boys...

Or this little baby...

Or this little guy...

Honestly,  where did our babies go?

How have they grown so much, in front of my very eyes into these big kids, dare I say (almost) pre-teens. (gasp)

Time, you're just going too fast!

And then there's Isabelle.  As I said above, when I told the kids to get ready last night that we were going to meet the teacher, Isabelle was the first to jump up and race to her room.  She put on her socks, her shoes, grabbed her packpack (which she keeps always packed for going to Nana and Papa's house- just in case) and dumped the entire contents on the floor in her room.  She then grabbed her jacket and her blue blanket and came running out to meet me in the hallway.  Momma, I'm all ready for Kindergarten.  Then she gasped and realized she thought she needed her pre-k and kindergarten workbooks we've been working on this summer.  She threw her backpack down and raced to the kitchen to get her books off the counter.  While I stayed in the hallway by the door going to the garage, I knew what she was going to do even though she hadn't said a word.  I yelled to her that she could leave her books. Michael told her on the way back she wasn't going to kindergarten this year, which sent her into a tailspin.  With tears streaming down her face she raced to my leg and said, "Momma, I want to go to the boys' school this year?  Please momma can I go? I know my letters and numbers."  I tried to buy time and said, let's go look at the school tonight, you can bring your backpack with you.  The entire way to the school she asked constantly, "Can I go to the boys' school PLEASE!!!"   I knew we weren't going to get out this one very easy.  And I was right, the entire time we were at the school she begged to go meet her teacher, to the point that we actually went and visited a kindergarten teachers classroom, I introduced myself, made Isabelle introduce herself to the teacher and said next year she would hopefully be introducing herself as a student in your class, but she's only 4 and is VERY excited about school.  Thankfully the teacher was very nice and knew Michael (he was a helper in her classroom) so she was kind and super supportive of Isabelle coming back next year.  

Before going to bed last night, as I do every night, I walked into Isabelle's room to check on her one last time and I found her sleeping so peacefully.  Looking into her still porcelain skin, I could see the fading hints of her as a baby.  The baby I still think should be about 9 months old.  This baby...

Or this one with those amazing eyes,,,

or this little lovely...

And again, the baby with those eyes... I feel in love with the moment I met her.

Where did my precious little baby girl go?  And how did time pass without me realizing that now I have a beautiful almost school-age smart, confident and sassy girl that calls me momma.  This girl...

How can she be (almost) a kindergartner? 

Mr time slow down, you're just going to fast.

And finally Madelyn.  This morning I went through her clothes to move out the 0-3 size clothes to replace them with 3-6 months sizes.  As I pulled out each article of clothing, I held it next to her as she slept in her bassinet and soon realized so many of those clothes just won't fit anymore.  I texted Jarrett to tell him how emotional I felt and that I don't want these baby days to pass so quickly.  I don't think it helps that I go back to work on Monday and all the emotions that come with that.  Don't get me wrong, I am very sure in knowing I am not cut out for being a stay-at-home super mom.  I long for a routine, for adult (i.e. rational) conversations, and to feel productive in something for myself, but that doesn't mean I won't think of Madelyn and the rest of my kiddos every few minutes as I try to adjust back to a working life.  I'm just so thankful I get a taste of both worlds in working part-time.  (Wow, sorry for the tangent- guess I needed to give myself a pep-talk.)

Anyway back to sorting the clothes... there were some outfits that as I went to pack away, I could feel my heartstrings getting tugged.  For example, this outfit...

  

Please ignore the mattress- its wash day for the bed-sheets.

Yep, the one that says, "Owl always be loved"  The one she wore at less than 2 weeks old...

She was so tiny and even though I remember thinking she had cheeks then, I was completely wrong.  So little, so precious.  

This baby who barely fit in her bassinet, now almost is too big...

I simply can't comprehend that she has grown so quickly and that 10 weeks have gone by in the blink of an eye.  

From this..

to this...

Still so precious, just not as little.  Growing so fast!

I just can't accept it.  Mr. Time, I will resort to begging you.  Please slow down.  Please, as the photo above says... "Let them be little."  - Please let them say little for just a bit longer..  All of them please.  

Until next time,

Angie

How does she even sleep?

Our house is not quiet.  In fact most days, I think our neighbors can hear conversations that go on in our home.  I think Madelyn got use to the sounds of our house while she was in the womb as she often isn't startled by Jack's barks, or the shouts from the kids.  

She passed her hearing test with flying colors at the hospital, otherwise I'd wonder how she can sleep through some of the things she does.  For example, here is a snipit of the noise she has to endure while trying to get her beauty sleep...

Sometimes I wonder, how does she even sleep through this...

Until next time,
Angie

A gift made with Love....

When we were in the NICU with Noah we were blessed by so many.  The nurses, the doctors, family, friends, strangers and even by other families who going through the most stressful time in their lives, as we were going through ours.  

One of those families lives catty-corner across from us and their little miracle Louis was born the same day as Noah and became his neighbor in the NICU a few days later.  He was bigger, born at 28 weeks I believe and weighed a bit more than 2 pounds I think.   I remember their family coming up to see him, I'm not sure if it was for the first time, but I think it might have been.  The look on their faces was the same look we had when we saw Noah... scared beyond belief, and at the same time so in love.  

Louis and Noah were "friends" from the start.  Though they never got to play on a playground together or in the sense that most children get to play as friends, I always felt like in the middle of the night, when all was quiet and the chaos from the day had ended that their souls were connected and playing together... even though they were in their isolettes.  

Louis' was showered with love by many too.  Although we didn't really get a chance to talk to his family members, the exchange of hellos in the hallway on the way to Pod D or the rides together in the elevator, the communication was clear.  We felt their support and I hope they felt our care and concern in our nods of support and hellos of encouragement.  

Sadly, our time in the NICU was short (relatively speaking) and when we left for the final time we never really had a true conversation with Louis family, but I thought of them and their precious little boy daily.  I didn't think I'd ever know how their little boy's journey went but I prayed he would grow to be a healthy, full of life, strong boy that went onto live a long, rich life.  I figured our life paths would continue separately and that would be how it would go.

I was wrong.  Soon after Noah passed I received a post on this blog from Louis' mom...

I will continue to tell Louis that Noah was his first friend. We were/are also in NICU Pod D since June 16th, and I have thought about you everyday. You were the first family to say anything to us and to make a gesture. I could look over at you and our eyes would meet and I could be assured, "I know, it will be okay". You have an amazing story to tell, and I hope you will continue to tell it. I pray for Noah and your family everyday. I hope you continue to be comforted by the thought that Noah is in Heaven with the most amazing people. It comforts me. This blog has helped me in such a tremendous way this morning - knowing that someone else understand everything we have gone through and will continue to go through - even though we will never be able to understand your loss - we do grieve with you for Noah. Your feelings throughout this blog have been similar to what I have been feeling, and that is a good feeling to me, To know that im not alone...even though our NICU stories are different. Thank you Angie.

Louis's mom

It was so wonderful to hear from her and her words brought tears to my eyes.  How funny that our first real conversation wasn't in the NICU where we spent several days together but more than a month after Noah passed and through written words.  Either way, the words she shared with me meant more than I'll ever be able to adequately share with her.

Soon there after we became friends on Facebook and it wasn't too long after that that I got to see pictures of their NICU graduate.  He looked so big, so healthy and so happy.  I could see in the eyes of his mom, his dad and his grandmother that fear had been replaced with relief and that the look of love they had on the first day of him being next to Noah, had multiplied many times over.  

Their little Louis is so cute and now over a year, it has been so fun for me to watch him grow, achieve milestones and thrive.  While I miss Noah so much, in someways, watching Louis grow and achieve things we had hoped to see Noah do, brings me happiness and peace.  I pray I get to continue to watch him grow over the years...

Before Madelyn was born, Louis mom and grandmother reached out to me and asked for our address.  They said they had a gift they wanted to send.  Just a few weeks ago a box arrived in the mail and opening it, I saw that it was from them.  I pulled back the tissue paper and inside were not only super cute outfits and receiving blankets but also this beautiful afghan...

Instantly my eyes filled with tears... it was a rainbow afghan that exuded love as I pulled it from the box.  I felt the masterpiece between my fingers and the love was tangible.  I spread it out on the floor and laid Madelyn on it.  She was immediately fascinated with the bright colors and soon Isabelle joined her.  

The special star shape of the afghan was something I have never seen before.  It is absolutely gorgeous. 

Madelyn laid peacefully for several minutes staring at the bright colors before I turned her over so she could see it better.

We were (still are) very touched by the beautiful gift made with so much love that was shared with us for Madelyn.  I love to let her lay on it as it makes me feel she is being wrapped with love and in some way her big brother above is close too.

When we lost Noah back on that hard day in June, I couldn't see or feel anything but overwhelming grief and sadness.  While the sadness and grief are still present, I've been able to find joy, understanding and even happiness in the fact that his life, his short but mighty life brought many many blessings.  Had Noah never been born and survived labor, we would have never been in the NICU.  And had we not been in the NICU, in POD D at the same time another family (Louis' family) was going through their own extremely difficult journey, we would have never met. 

I can see how God had a master plan and although the plan didn't go the way I wanted, there are so many gifts we received through his plan.  Meeting Louis' family and getting connected to them has been just one of the blessings.  

What a beautiful gift we will forever cherish.

Until next time,

Angie

Putting away my maternity clothes...

I wrote this post several weeks ago, but realized I never posted it.

Today I packed away the clothes that I have worn for the past 5 months.  As I reached into the closet and pulled out each maternity shirt, pants, and dress, I relieved each time I had worn them and how far along I was in growing Madelyn inside me.  I fought back tears and tried my best to remind myself that the prize I had dream about was lying next to me in her bassinet sleeping peacefully.  

Yet still I felt like I was writing the final paragraph in a very important chapter of my autobiography.  In a way I wanted to leave the clothes in my closet so that each time I opened the door I could see them and be reminded of the happy times I wore them.  But my closet is too small, and it was time to put my regular clothes (those clothes that had been packed away for several months) back in.  

When I was pregnant with Noah, I had just started wearing maternity clothes and then my water broke.  After he passed, packing up and returning the clothes so many friends had loaned to me was heartbreaking as well.  Clothes shared in love, that I never got to wear.  In packing up and returning those clothes, I cried tears of what I never got to experience.

This time it was different.  With Madelyn I got to experience the feeling of getting so big that I couldn't see my feet over my belly.  I got to experience the reality that even maternity clothing gets tight at the end, and those shirts that at first had lots of extra room, eventually run out of space too.  I got to experience it all and it was wonderful.  This time packing up the clothes, I cried tears of happiness in what I had experienced, but also tears in thinking it had gone so fast and that that chapter of my life could be over.

I'm thankful we took some pictures this time, albeit not as frequently as with Noah, of Madelyn growing inside of me.  And while it will be so different to open my closet and see my regular clothes in the place where the clothes that served as symbol of the life growing inside of me once were, I have to be thankful for the time I had.  

So in writing that final paragraph on the chapter titled Maternity clothes... I share some pictures of my favorite maternity clothes I got to wear with our newest little angel.

December 2015

Starting to show but still hiding it.

By Christmas it was getting more and more difficult to hide my bulging belly.  Thankfully with the holiday season, there were times I blamed it on eating too many holiday cookies. 

January 2016

By January the bump was definitely visible.

After getting past 23 weeks, and experiencing the scare we had, we shared the news.  I started wearing maternity clothes regularly...

Getting bigger

February 2016

As the bump grew, I found I had a great ledge for holding my cups of daily milk and cookies.

March 2016

The Easter dress my mom got for me.

April 2016... getting closer.

May 2016... the month we prayed we'd get to...

I think she was bigger than a basketball by this point... more like an extra large watermelon.

The last few weeks before Madelyn was born.

Mother's day

My final maternity picture.

As sad as I am to close this chapter and pack away the maternity clothes that hold great memories for me, I am so blessed that the greatest gift I could have ever wanted is lying right next to me...

Yep, its time to wipe away the tears and write the final sentence of this chapter, for there is a new chapter to begin writing... 

This chapter is gonna be even better.

Until next time,

Angie