Last Thursday night, I laid in bed, unable to sleep. While most
nights, these days, I'm up for a couple of hours, this night it was worse.
My mind felt occupied, so many thoughts racing through my mind and no
matter what I tried I couldn't quiet my thoughts. And then it hit me why
my I felt so unsettled.
All day long I knew it was the 25th but
that night, like most around our house, life got crazy and then it was time for
bed. I fell asleep quickly but awoke an hour and 15 minutes, (bathroom
break number 1 of many each night) and couldn't get back to sleep.
Fast forward several hours later, 6
episodes into The Officebinge
watch I'm on each night, I still couldn't fall back asleep. I kept
thinking about Noah and about this baby girl. As always I wondered what
Noah would have been doing if he were still with us, if my up-all-night routine
would be because I'd be feeding him, or if he'd be a good sleeper like his
daddy. I wondered how he would have grown and changed looks and what his
baby babble would sound like. It is in those moments I find such
happiness in day (or night) dreaming... the what if's, the I wish so much.
And soon thereafter, the reality sits in
that I'll never know, never experience or get to find out what it was supposed
to be like according to my life plan. It’s the heartache that floods my
insides. Oh how I miss him so much.
Laying there in the dim lite room, asThe Office played on mute
in the background, images of Noah, played actively in my mind. At the
same time baby girl awoke, and made her presence inside my belly known.
She rolled around and stretched, pushing her hand and foot out each side
of my stomach. I love feeling her move. With each movement I’m
reminded of the miracle happening inside of me and can't help but smile as I
know, in this moment, she's okay. Such peace I find through this still
scary experience.
I started rubbing my stomach as if to say,
"I feel you baby girl, Mommy loves you and hopes you are safe in
there." She'd respond back by stretching a bit farther, moving her
hand across my belly.
I reached across the bed to my phone on
the nightstand. I started flipping through my pictures from the most
recent ultrasound. I wanted to see her face again. I stared at the
picture, mesmerized with her features. Dad and I have been guessing whose
features of whose she has. In the middle of staring at her, I thought of
Noah. I flipped to my pictures of him, of those great times we had in the
NICU and of how peaceful he looked in some of the pictures. It reminded me
of baby girl in her ultrasound photo... peaceful.
I went to the app on my phone that allowed
me to compare pictures side by side. Big brother and little sister next
to one another...
Looking at both of them I realized they
looked so much alike. And looking at them I realized how much my heart
loves both of them. While I'll never get to hold Noah in this life and I
haven't yet gotten to hold baby girl, my heart knows love for them in ways I've
never felt before. Loving Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle came the moment I met
them and has grown leaps and bounds in the time we've been a family. With
Noah and baby girl, my love came from the moment I learned of them, when they
were just forming, before I "met" them. The love I have for
my children is both different and all the same.
I’ve realized that love spans beyond genetics, it can start at any
moment, it grows beyond this world and it’s a feeling that grows for all of them with each
passing day.
Losing Noah has been the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced and I’ve
learned whether it’s been 1 hour since he left us or 8 months, the hurt doesn’t
go away. It changes, it morphs and
adapts, just like we have in these past 8 months. We are learning how to live in a life with sadness
is missing him, gratefulness for what we have and hope for what’s to come. Until next time, Angie
A few months ago I changed the home picture on this blog to be this.
It was taken by Ashley who has not only become a friend but also our go to family photographer. She is WONDERFUL and I tell everyone who asks me about pictures to contact her. She is great! When she first sent me this picture I loved it for many reasons.
1.I think it captures our family in a natural state… Isabelle is usually the center of attention and it captures the boy’s interest in life. Jarrett’s positioned in a way that shows his natural role… our greatest supporter. Often in the background keeping the engine going, not getting credit where his credit is due.
2.And then there’s the rainbow in the upper right hand corner of the picture. A constant reminder that while Noah isn’t physically with us, he is always there. In a subtle but constant way, we are reminded that a bond doesn’t end when our time here on Earth does.
3.The third reason why I like this picture so much is that while it looks like we are a family of five, the reality is, in this picture we are actually a family of 7. At the time Ashley captured this picture, no one other than Jarrett and I knew that we were expecting our baby girl. Notice now the long, loose fitting shirt- that was purposeful. When I look at this picture I am reminded of the heartache I feel in losing Noah who I love so much, but the joy the tiny life growing inside me brings… Like the saying about a rainbow baby… there is a rainbow of hope at the end of every storm. In so many ways Noah and this baby girl represent hope. I realize going forward there will always be a member of our family we will not be able to visually capture. His sprit lives on in each of us, so I know he will be there. And while this picture was taken a few months after his death, I can’t help but feel it is one of the few (if only) picture that captures a time in our life when we were caught in the crossroads of life as Noah’s was ending and baby girl’s just beginning.
To many it may look like a family of five with a faint rainbow in the background. To me it is a picture of a family whose endured a lot, loves more and clings to hope for the greatness the future can hold.
I sit here writing this today from the uncomfortable seats
in the Sonora Quest Laboratories waiting room.
I am currently taking my test for gestational diabetes. I hope I pass, as I really don’t enjoy
drinking that crappy sugary drink. But whatever happens, if I have to redo it,
I will.
Unlike last time when I was pregnant with Noah and told
right from the start I’d have to do both the 1 hour and the 3 hour test, due to
my advanced maternal age, this time I haven’t heard the same thing…at least yet.
While Dr. A acknowledges I am in that magic category because
I’m now 35, he doesn’t seem as worried about having to take extra precautions
because of my age. Maybe it’s because
they are being proactive about everything else that he figures this is one
area, where seeing me twice a week, they can address any concerns as they come
up.
So I sit here today, at least for the next 55 minutes, and
wait. This gives me plenty of time to
think about week 26 and how thankful I am to be here. This week has been extra busy, me working 4
days instead of the normal 2.5.
While the number of hours I’ve worked is still the same, its amazing to
me how big of difference being up 4 days versus the 2.5 can make in how I feel
and the contractions I’ve been having.
If I needed any further proof that my body just needs more hours of
horizontal resting, this week has shown me that. I haven’t felt that great this week, with
more contractions, achy feeling, and just overall exhaustion. That is why today my plan, after this fun
outing, is to just go home and rest in bed.
Being that I never got to experience this part of pregnancy
with Noah, I feel like everyday is a clean slate and I don’t know what to
expect or what this week will bring. In
a way, it’s a great way to experience pregnancy. Unlike the first 24 weeks when I had
something to compare my feeling to, now I don’t. I don’t know what is normal, what are things
to worry about and if what I am feeling is normal. So I go forward with little expectations and
fewer fears with each week.
This week baby girl has decided to position herself in a way
that my sciatic nerve on my right side is pinched. Well at least it feels that way. I have a constant shooting pain in my lower
back and an alternating pain and numbness feeling that radiates down my
leg. Sometimes the pain is so great is
makes me shout with joy (not), other times I laugh uncontrollably because the
pain is so sharp (instead of crying) and even once in the middle of the night
it became so painful I started screaming for Jarrett to come help me by rubbing
my butt. He was sound asleep and with
the shouts of me from the couch in the living room, he must have thought I was
in labor again and he came running out of the bedroom and started racing around
trying to figure out what he needed to do first, before I screamed…. Please JUST RUB
MY BUTT! It was then he stopped, looked
at me and said, “Seriously, that’s why you are waking me up?”
Here's what happens after you wake your husband up in the middle of the night to rub your back. He sits down after work to talk about the day, and a few minutes into Mom telling him about the day she's had, she looks over to see this.... guess Dad needs some extra zzzzz's too.
No matter how painful, I’ll gladly take it as long as it
means baby girl is safe, thriving and inside growing. Thankfully, she is. Earlier this week, we had our weekly
ultrasound to monitor her fluid level.
Not only does the fluid level look good, but she does as well. The valve in her heart they are monitoring to
make sure doesn’t close early, is still open and guess what else? Baby girl is starting to plump up. By no means is she a chunky monkey, but it
was amazing to me to see this week, just how fuller her face looks compared to
just last week. Where before her face
was pretty thin and her bone structure right below her skin, now we are
starting to see fuller cheeks and a button nose… I love it.
While baby girl has been head down for several weeks, another change is that last week she flipped again and is now breech again. I’m back to feeling her jabs, rolls, arms and legs very clearly. Last night I was laying on the couch when I went to rub the side of my belly. As I put my hand along my side, I clearly felt her hand pressed up against my stomach. In the same moment I realized it, baby girl must have felt me pushing it, she moved her hand as quickly as the smile appeared across my face. It was SO COOL! The other feeling I experience so much more when she is breech is that I feel like she’s performing the Irish River Dance on my bladder. Seriously, like tap dancing on my bladder. As much time I spend in the bathroom, I am so thankful she’s so active. With every movement, I feel like baby girl is telling me, “Hey Mom- I’m okay. Don’t worry.”
During my second appointment for the week, I met with Dr. A who said he’s happy with how things are going and hopes they continue to stay on this same path. He said, “You know you are getting close to the third trimester and then I’ll start seeing you weekly.” To which he started laughing since he’s been seeing me weekly since around week 18. Just one of the other blessings of this pregnancy, (there are so many) is that I feel I have developed a close, open and honest relationship with my doctors. I truly feel like they care about me, Jarrett and especially baby girl. Dr. A continued by talking with me about what he wants to see in the next couple of weeks, and then he said, “If we can get you to 32 weeks, we are going to celebrate!” For the first time in this whole pregnancy, hearing him say those words, made me actually believe that just maybe we can get there. I pray I look back on this post in 6 weeks and am able to still write about her growing inside of me.
Look at that face, doesn't it look like she's filling out? Especially compared to the picture below, taken just a few weeks ago...
I asked Dr. A about my sciatic nerve pain and he said its
very common and while he’d normally recommend walking or light exercise, he
said, I don’t want you to do ANYTHING like that. He said, sitting in a swimming pool can help
as the buoyancy from the water can relieve the stress or pressure baby is
putting on that nerve. I’ve been so
concerned about getting an infection this time around I have avoided baths and
swimming pools completely. He said
sitting in a pool might provide relief, we’ll see if I can get over that fear…
I’ll probably just deal with it (or ask Jarrett to rub my back and legs constantly).
As we approach the 27 week milestone in just two days, I am
starting to get more and more excited that my dream of bring home baby girl
into our lives can actually happen. As
scary as it is for me to think of any day in the future, I started making a
list of supplies and items we will need to prepare to bring her home. Papa and Nana assembled her crib this week
and put it into Isabelle’s room.
Isabelle is actually excited to share her room with her baby sister and
is starting to talk about all the things she can share with her with. For some reason the crib sheet in the baby
bed is NOT one of the things she wants to share but other things like her socks, she's more than willing.
Isabelle was so excited to help me open a very nice gift from our friend Kristal. It just so happened, she was wearing her "big sister" shirt.
Isabelle also has asked me as of late if she has a baby in her tummy. As she gets ready to shower in the morning she, rubs her belly and says, “Mom, is my belly big now because I have a baby in my stomach?” I tell her that while she is growing up, she won’t have a baby in her tummy until after she’s married and is as big as mommy. She smiles and says, “Okay mommy, just you have a big tummy now.” Its fun for me to see how she interprets all of the changes that come with pregnancy. Oh and she’s decided we should name baby girl Joey.
Isabelle opened the gift and with each item she said, "Oh, isn't that so cute?"
And the boys. They
are starting to get more and more excited as well about the baby. Michael loves to ask to feel the baby and
both boys have asked me if baby girl is now bigger than Noah was. Thankfully at this point I can say yes. As a family we’ve also started talking about
names, while I think in the end Jarrett and I will get the final say. Gabriel has said he’d like to call baby girl
Kristal, because he thinks it’s the most beautiful girl name. Michael loves the names Sharlene, suggested
by our great friend Janelle, a combination of both Nana and Grandmaa’s names…
Sharon and Darlene. Jarrett and I have
only talked about names a few times, although it made me smile yesterday when
Jarrett asked me out of the blue about a couple names he liked. Guess he’s got that thought on the brain too.
Michael asking about the baby after getting to feel her move.
Gabriel and his friend Harlan, in the fort they build in the front yard, when they were pretending to be spies. While he's excited about the baby, he's just as excited to be a kid and play.
So many blessings to give thanks for.
The weeks seem to be ticking by just like the timer I hear
behind the counter next to me, telling me this glucose test is almost over. While we still have 13.5 weeks to go, I give
thanks for the time we’ve had. And for
each day we get, because the truth is, what is happening inside of me is a miracle,
something I thought I’d never get to experience. But here I am today, getting to live it. So here’s to that sugary drink that tastes
terrible… its just another reminder of just how lucky I am.
Last night I was lying in bed watching Chicago Med when a scene flashed on the screen that took me right back to June 25, 2015, Pod D in the NICU .
The image on the TV showed a flat line on the monitor as the doctors tried feverishly to revive a young man. The medical staff raced around giving CPR, pushing round after round of epinephrine, while every minute or so shouting clear so they could use the charges to shock his heart and bring him back to life. With no response and after several minutes the doctors stopped the resuscitation efforts and pronounced the patient deceased.
While so much of what played out on TV was completely different than what Jarrett and I experienced in losing Noah, my mind was taken back to the final minutes we shared with Noah.
What happened behind that curtain in Pod D is something that only Jarrett, Melanie, God and I will be able to recall. I feel I'm very open about our lives, sharing many personal details on this blog that sometimes I wonder if I should instead just keep inside. But I've found in the 5 plus year's I've been writing this blog, some of my favorite and most healing memories to go back through and read are the ones where I've been completely open with my heart and emotions.
But this story seems different. The emotions, the sadness, the raw heartache in watching your child pass is something the passage of time will never change in the way it feels. And it isn't something I"m interested in sharing with the world. I pray that no other mother or father has to live with the reality of what we experienced and will carry in our hearts forever. So I will keep many of those moments to myself, sealed in my heart.
For what ever reason the images on the TV took me back to those final moments and I laid there in bed reliving them... only each minute we had in that final hour, relived in my head in slow motion. I remember the feel of Noah's tiny body pressed up against mine. How the tubes removed made him seem so peaceful, just like a sleeping newborn baby resting at home on their mother's chest. I remember telling my mind to record every second to permanently remember the feel of his soft delicate skin against mine. I held him so close to keep him warm as Jarrett's hands wrapped around him as well. We cried continuous tears as we told him over and over how much we loved him, how he was the miracle baby we dreamed of since Dad and I became a couple so many years ago. And we told him how much we would miss him, think of him always and never ever stop loving him.
As painful, sad and heart wrenching as it was to live those moments, and no matter how much I wished it was a terrible nightmare I was going to wake up from, it was also one of the most peaceful, if not the most, moment we had in that hospital. The staff gave us privacy, support and love in those final moments, and I truly feel like God was there with us, to take him home.
One of the most touching moments for me was when Melanie bent down over us with her stethoscope and let us listen to Noah's beating heart. From the first time we went to the doctor after learning we were pregnant, we got to hear Noah's heartbeat... strong, steady and mighty the doctor said that day back in February. Fast forward six month, I was listening to his heartbeat again, only this time as his time on Earth was ending. Life had come full circle. His heart still beating steady and mightily, he had fought as hard as he could to stay with us. In the end God had a different plan. I will always remember the beating of his heart, its like a song that gets stuck in one's mind and won't leave. This is a melody I hope to hear in my mind the rest of my life.
As I laid in bed last night, wiping away the tears and reliving the heartache of having to say goodbye, I tried to hide my emotions from Jarrett. He'd come into the bedroom every once in a while to ask me about something and to talk about how happy he is we are this far with our baby girl. I'd hear him walking toward our room and quickly wipe away the tears into my pillow. For one of the only times in my life, I was thankful our room is so dim. He didn't notice the dripping of my nose or the puffiness around my eyes. As much as I wanted to say, "I can't stop thinking about Noah's final moments with us," I didn't want to take anything away from the joyous mood he was in, celebrating we are 26.5 weeks with our growing, healthy baby girl. So I pushed away the tears, tried to join him in being excited at that moment, until he disappeared back out of the room to tend to the million other tasks awaiting him.
Knowing the only other person I could reach out to who would be able to go right back to that moment was Melanie, I reached for my phone. I texted her.
"Melanie, just thinking of Noah tonight and how I'm so thankful you were with us when we was passing. The comfort and love you gave us as we got to listen to his heart beating, was so comforting. I'm thankful for you and all you did to support us through such a difficult time. Just one of the many reasons I love you. You are an angel here on Earth."
After I hit send, I thought about how prior to Noah's birth, Melanie and I were complete strangers, our life paths probably never destined to meet if it wasn't for Noah. And while we had only known each other for 12 days, with an actual 4 or 5 days total we spent together with her as Noah's primary nurse, the bond that had been created between the two of us, was a connection I believe some people never feel in their entire lifetime, and a friendship that will last just as long.
Its so hard to describe the connection I feel with Melanie, In those 12 short days I had celebrated some of the greatest moments of my life in welcoming Noah to this world, but also painfully lived through the worst in having to say goodbye to him. And through it all was Melanie. It was like God placed her into our lives to be a shinning light, a source of hope, inspiration and love. I knew she would have just the right words to say back to me and less than a few moments later my phone beeped with her response....
"Thank you Angie for the kind words. It means a lot to me. I feel so honored to have cared for your precious Noah. It breaks my heart we didn't have the outcome we wanted but knowing what an inspiration your son was and still is to so many brings me peace. Noah brought us all together and now I have a second family which means the world to me. Love you and your family so much. Noah is still with you, sending signs and his love. I know you feel him. The gift of life is so precious, grateful to have been a part of your journey. Big hugs and lots of love. " -Melanie
Through the now happy tears I smiled. There was my blessing again, in the middle of sadness, of grief that had taken over me.
I went to sleep last night without Jarrett ever knowing I had spent so much of the evening in tears. Normally I would have confided in him,shared the raw emotions pouring out of my soul. Instead though I felt it okay to not bring him to where I was in going through this sadness of losing Noah. Jarrett was in a moment of pure happiness, relishing in the truth of the present in front of us and celebrating the victory we truly feel we've reached in "getting this far."
Grief is such a strange and difficult beast. While I feel it everyday, some days it rears its power more than others. And it feels strange to experience so many opposite emotions as of late. I am overjoyed, so tremendously thankful to be 26.5 weeks along. Feeling baby girl move, squirm, kick and roll inside of me are some of the greatest feelings in the whole world. Something I've longed to feel my entire life. So when I think about those experiences, I can't help but feel so much joy in my heart.
And yet, at the same time, I long to hold, cradle, and love on my son in Heaven above. The love I feel for him, as I stare at his pictures, I dream back to those precious days we had together and the reality of what was supposed to be, is devastating. I miss him so much. I wish he was here. And it is then I know that my heart will never fully be healed. The truth is, I'm okay with that.
My living truth is, is I have 3 beautiful children already in my arms. I pray the baby girl inside me joins us in 14 weeks, is healthy and grows up to be just as big as Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle. And I pray that my precious angel in Heaven will always stay close in my heart, send signs to our family he is with us, and that someday, he'll greet me at the gates of Heaven and say, "Welcome home mom... I've waited a long time to see you."
Yesterday Noah would have been 8 months old. I wonder every single day what he would be doing, what new accomplishment he would have learned, how he would look and what our life would be like.
Instead our life is very different. Instead of looking for him in our arms, or crawling around our house, I look to the sky, close my eyes to see him and dream about what he must be doing up in Heaven.
Since we've learned and now started sharing that we are expecting again, I admit my outlook on life has found an additional purpose. While this baby will in no way take the place of Noah, make me miss him or want him in my arms any less, it has given me the feeling again of hope.
Hope was one of the main causalities that I experienced when Noah passed away. When we found out we were pregnant with him, I was filled with hope. Getting pregnant and having a baby was something I had wanted my entire life and finally my dream was coming true. Hope for our future with Noah in our life was like living in paradise. When we lost him, I felt like all my hope went with him. Now, experiencing pregnancy again, and being able to get this far (26 weeks today), I feel like hope is slowly coming back to me.
As excited as we are to be pregnant again and pray to bring home our healthy daughter in 14 or so weeks, Jarrett and I both still feel the heavy burden of grief. In some ways it feels strange to experience great joy in seeing our daughter and feeling her move, but also so much sadness in missing our son. Today, after church, while the kids were in Sunday school, Jarrett and I went to the memorial garden, Noah's final resting place and together we sat quietly just us three again. We often go as a family with the kids, and just like our daily lives, it is chaotic with the boys talking, Isabelle running wild, so today when it was just Jarrett and I, it was very nice.
It reminded me of those days in the NICU when Jarrett and I were there together with him. We'd stand near his bed and whisper all of our hopes, dreams and the prayers we had for him. Today we did the same. We told him how much we miss him, how he'll always be our little buddy and how much we love him.
While I know his spirit really isn't there, the memorial garden is a place where we can go to fully devote our minds and attention to the raw emotions still very present in our heart. While we sat there, quietly talking to him, I noticed a flock of morning doves continued to circle around the garden above us. After the third time of them circling, I called Jarrett's attention to it, and we both commented how peaceful it was. Just how we wanted Noah's final resting place to be.
We continue to search the sky for rainbows and will always see them as a sign from our little boy. Isabelle seems to find them in the greatest of places. Just a few days ago, when my dad was here visiting, Isabelle and I were outside watching grandpa work. Isabelle all of a sudden started jumping up and down and saying, "There's a rainbow!"
And sure enough she was right. It is still in these moments that I find peace. Its almost like Noah is reaching out to us to say, "I'm okay. I want you to be okay too."
And then yesterday. Isabelle was sitting at the kitchen table eating one of her valentines treats. I was sitting on the couch writing when Isabelle said, "Mommy, look I made a rainbow. Its for Baby Noah." I turned around to see she had arranged her Skittles into a perfect rainbow, with each color in its appropriate place. I smiled, asked her to come give me a hug and kiss and said, "Its beautiful honey." To which she smiled so widely and said, "For Baby Noah!"
As sad as we are in missing our son, seeing a rainbow will always bring a smile to our face and happy memories of our precious Noah.
Looking at the Skittle rainbow on the table made by our little girl, on the day Noah would have been 8 months, I couldn't help but think it was Noah reminding us he's with us through our little girl.
As we look to the future with hope and excitement of bringing home a healthy baby girl, I will always give thanks and feel a tremendous amount of love for my son waiting for us in Heaven. While the months seems to pass faster and the time since I last touched him growing, my heart will never forget the gifts he gave me. Noah James gave me the answer to my longest wish. He gave me the gift of carrying life inside me. He was the miracle that doctors said wasn't possible. And the gifts still keep coming. He has taught me that I can be stronger than I ever thought I could be. That I can still feel him in my heart and that he is will always be with us. And that his final gift is still coming. The final gift I pray to experience is the gift of longing to be together again. Someday, Lord willing, if I get to Heaven, I look forward to seeing my son, wrapping him in my arms and being reunited again. Oh what a great gift that will be.
Oh to feel your tiny embrace again.
Happy 8th birthday in Heaven Noah. Mommy, Daddy, your brothers and your sister(s) miss you and always love you.
In some ways I feel like we won
the lottery and yet, at the risk of sounding too greedy, there is so much
further we want to get. Still
I’m so so thankful for hitting the 25 week mark. While last week we celebrated
getting to 24 weeks and not having my water break or deliver this baby, this
week I rejoice at the truth that she is still squirming and kicking inside of
me and that I’m getting to experience a part of pregnancy I never experienced
before.
As of today I am 25 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Yes those four days matter, every day we can keep her
inside is a big milestone. I’d be lying if I said last week’s mark
wasn’t a huge mental obstacle we broke through, at least for me. I talked
about it in my previous post, but 24 weeks was the date I stared, marked,
tagged more than any other date on the calendar when it came to carrying our
daughter. It was such a scary date for me, I couldn’t help myself… the
fear of what happened with Noah controlled me fully as I carry her.
Thankfully Laurie would remind
me regularly to look at the truth in the moment for as we approached that
date. Seriously, she got to where she texted me several times a week or
even a day to ask me what the truth was in that minute. As I laid in bed,
worried I was in early labor again, it was a minute by minute reminder I needed
to bring myself back to the moment that at that second, baby girl was okay, I
was in bed to quiet the symptoms and that’s all the control I had. Thank
God those moments, turned to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, and days
to weeks. Now we are three weeks later, celebrating the victory of
getting this FAR and holding onto hope that in three weeks from now we can look
forward and give thanks for being at 29 weeks, and that in three months from
now, I’ll be preparing for the birth of our daughter. It’s a dream now,
but hopefully a reality in our future.
Now entering into a stage of
pregnancy I’ve never been in before, I find myself wondering what it will be
like. This week, I feel myself getting bigger than I’ve ever been.
Not only does the scale reinforce that message, but my stretching stomach tells
me too. A couple of nights this week, I’ve told Jarrett I feel like a
balloon is inside my stomach stretching everything as far as it can go.
Feel how tight it is. He gently touches it and responds, “Well its
hopefully gonna get a lot bigger.” I guess in a way I hope it does too,
as that will mean we are getting further along to our end goal… full term,
healthy baby.
And as new as the expanding
feeling is in my stomach, another new feeling for me this week is joy.
This is the first time in this pregnancy where I have been able to push aside
the fear so much, that I’ve allowed joy to be the dominant feeling. As
sad as it makes me to admit this, it has been the truth. I’ve been so
consumed by the fear of losing this baby, of what tragic thing is in waiting, that I haven’t allowed myself to simply enjoy what is happening inside of me.
This week, I finally got the courage to change that.
As we hit week 25 and I
realized that at most I may have only 15 or so weeks of being pregnant
left. And as scary as it has been for me to think about even getting to
that milestone, the reality also hit me that this is my once-in-a-lifetime
chance to experience something I have wanted since I was a little girl.
Why don’t I start enjoying it and relishing each kick, jab or roll happening
inside of me. After Noah was born I remember in those first weeks,
missing the feeling of having him inside and I wonder, if I’ll miss, probably
pretty much a 100% chance of yes, having the feeling of her move inside of
me. In the 10 plus years of infertility and wanting nothing more than to
become a mom, I begged God for a chance to get pregnant, to be able to give
life. Here I am now, moving up daily on the percentage charts of bringing
home a baby, and why in the world would I ruin this experience by being so
afraid? I don’t want to look back on this pregnancy and be sad I didn’t
find joyous moments, even though it was scary.
So that’s been my focus this
week. I’ve tried very hard to celebrate each kick, to record in my mind
what it feels like to have her move inside. I also started talking to her
like she’s actually listening. Sometimes its singing her songs, other
moments saying our prayers, and sometimes just telling her what I’m
doing. I hope she comes to recognize my voice and those of Jarrett’s and
the kids. I think she already recognizes Isabelle’s as she often kicks or
moves when Isabelle’s near… perhaps it just that Isabelle likes to make her
presence known.
This week as far as highlights,
we went back to the doctor on Tuesday for an ultrasound to monitor the amniotic
fluid level she has. Just like with Noah, I’ve been taking Motrin every 6
hours for many weeks to keep the contractions at bay. While the
medication works wonderfully, a side effect of the meds is that it is can
decrease the fluid level. As a result we have to have weekly ultrasounds
so they can check the fluid level and make sure she’s got enough to
drink. When I took Motrin with Noah, we found out the fluid level was
dangerously low. We can only look back now and wonder if it was fully due to
the Motrin or other complications. This time when the doctors said to
begin taking Motrin again for the contractions, I was really nervous.
However they reassured me they would closely monitor and that sometimes women
are on Motrin for months during their pregnancy. For me, I’ve been able
to experience a big difference as I take the medication in the strength and frequently
the contractions come as compared to when I don’t take the medication.
The other change this week is
that my progesterone injections will be given every 5 days instead of every 7
at least for the next few weeks, til we get to 30 weeks. I shared with my
nurse that I can tell as we get towards the end of the week my contractions
come back stronger and I just don’t feel as good (have more cramping, etc) as
the shot wears off. She said its possible to administer it more
frequently if its helping that much so she was going to put in the order to
increase from every day 7 to every 5 days. She herself said, if we can
get you to 30 weeks, that’s a big difference compared to 29, 28 or even
earlier. I’m all for it, even if it leaves a huge welt and bruises for
weeks- I’ll gladly take it!
So back to my appointment,
yesterday at the ultrasound we received a great report--- again so
thankful! Not only does baby girl have plenty of fluid, (measuring at 16
and the goal is between 10-20) but my cervical length is good. We also
learned that starting at this week they will monitor to make sure that the
ductus arteriosus hasn’t closed. This is the duct that closes for babies
in the birthing process. Noah’s didn’t close when he was born due to his
prematurity and was something the doctors told us they would want to address as
he got older. Sadly, we never had to cross that bridge. Yesterday
we learned that another possible complication of taking Motrin during pregnancy
is that it can often times make the ductus arteriosus close early. This
is NOT something doctors want to see as it can restrict the oxygen supply to
the baby in utero as baby’s breath differently inside their momma’s tummies
versus when they take their first breath outside. We’ve learned so much about
pregnancy in these last two years, I’m thankful for the information. From
the ultrasound they could tell that baby girl’s ductus hasn’t closed- yay
another victory! The final victory for me at least was that baby girl had
repositioned herself inside. Last week, she was butt out, face in and she
spent several days curled up in a ball. While it may have been a super
comfy position for her, it felt like she was busting through my stomach.
I was so happy to see yesterday
she had changed positions slightly and while she’s now head down- wAAAAAy down,
she’s turned on her side resting (makes sense why I have to go to the bathroom
so much). It is more comfortable for me (and I hope her too). As a
result of her new position we got to see some cute profile and face
shots, at least for a few moments before she put her hands up in front of her
face as if to say, “No more pictures today!”
As we left the doctor’s office
yesterday, Jarrett and I talked about just how thankful we are for each
positive report and how it gives us so much encouragement to keep believing
that maybe our dream of bringing home a healthy baby will come true.
So here’s to 25 weeks, with
optimism that week 26 is right around the corner. Here’s to relishing in
the JOY of being pregnant and to cherishing each moment I get to experience
with her inside, growing, and thriving. Here’s to our little rainbow baby.
Four years ago at this moment, I was frantically racing around from home trying to prepare, to at work- preparing to take leave, and back to the hospital- where our precious daughter was waiting for us to take her home. Four years ago tomorrow, we left the hospital with three children, including our newborn daughter, in the back of our van and our hearts overflowing with love and happiness.
Fast forward 4 years and as I drive around with three much
bigger children, and one God willing blessing on the way, I can describe my
heart the same way… overflowing with love and filled with thankfulness of all
the blessings that have been included in this life.
Never did I dream that I’d look back on this special time,
as we celebrate our daughter turning four, and imagine the life we lead
today. I had always hoped, from the
moment my eyes met Isabelle’s that Jarrett and I would be her forever family. I continue to give thanks to God daily that
he answered that prayer. We both know
too well, in those first 10 months of her life, that she could have been taken
from us at any moment. On the day her
adoption was finalized I think I finally let out a sigh of relief I had been
holding inside for way too long.
It seems almost like the blink of an eye since those days,
but somehow its been 4 years. Gone are the baby clothes and toys, the padding we kept along all the sharp edges of our
furniture and the toddler proofing that was a staple. Instead in front of me is a girl, already
half as tall as I am, who is smart, funny, strong-willed and one of the
greatest blessings in our lives.
Isabelle, while still so innocent and in-awe wonder at
simple things in this world, has literally been a saving grace for me this
year. In what has been some of the
hardest, darkest days of my life, Isabelle has appeared at my bedside, morning
after morning with her blanket, a smile and a “Mommy, I sleep with you?” While
each member of our family plays such a vital role in keeping each other going,
Isabelle’s role has been great in saving me.
I think in part its because she’s the youngest and still needs the most
help with those day to day tasks the boys have mastered on their own. What’s also to thank though is her connection
to her brother in heaven and her constant reminders that Noah continues to be
with us. From seeing a rainbow on TV in
her favorite show Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood to spotting them out the window
in the car when we are driving. I didn’t
know how to explain dealth to a three year old, but what I’ve learned is that I
really don’t have to. Isabelle never sees Noah as gone. Where as an adult I look for the body and
baby I should be holding in my arms, Isabelle doesn’t need that. She sees Noah in everything and reminds me
that while he’s not physically here, he is still here. Guess the biggest lesson to be taught wasn’t one
led by me, but instead my little girl to me.
Isabelle is such a blessing and we all love her dearly. While her brothers get upset that she’s
always into their things, wants to be with them when they have no interest in
playing with her, the truth is, they love spending time and being with
her. After they returned from being in
Iowa over Christmas, it was Isabelle they missed the most. Seeing the three of them reconnect, exchange
hugs and kisses, was evidence again, that family doesn’t have to be blood. While my three children are not all
genetically related, they are brothers and sisters and family forever.
As a four year old Isabelle is learning her letters, writing
them very well and ready to be in Kindergarten.
She asks when she can go to the boys’ school and I told her it when she
knows her letters and numbers.
Thankfully her preschool teacher is WONDERFUL and teaches her so many
things. Just yesterday she came home
from school after learning the letter U.
She said, “Mom, Umbrella, Under, Unicorn and Underwear starts with U.” Sometimes I think I’m looking at a six year
old, not a newly turned 4 year old.
Some of Isabelle’s favorite things now are Paw Patrol- she
learned about them from friends and school and it may be an understatement to
say she’s obsessed. She has all the characters
(except a couple of the bad characters- but she’s got her sights set on
obtaining them), and many of the accessories and talks Paw Patrol for much of
the day. She loves to go on adventures
with her Paw Patrol friends and Nana and Papa.
Her imagination and creativity are fun to watch, as she makes up stories
and talks in different characters as the adventure unfolds.
Her other favorite things include chicken nuggets, French fries
and Cheetos. I don’t think she thinks restaurants have any other food but
chicken nuggets and French fries and she is wildly disappointed if they are
unable to accommodate her order. She’s a
good eater, like her brothers, while more picky than them, she is pretty good
about trying all of her food and cleaning her plate… especially if that means
she gets dessert.
Isabelle recently went to the dentist, thanks to Nana and
Papa and has found a new profession of interest. She thinks she’d going to be a dentist and
proudly shows others her teeth the dentist cleaned for her birthday- Her
words. While I’m unsure what
professional careers await her future, I can see her excelling at many
things. She LOVES to talk! I think she talks most of the day, and if no
one else is listening, she’ll talk to herself.
So I’m thinking a career with strong communications skills would be a
good fit. She loves to sing and dance so
maybe something in theater or performing arts.
Honestly whatever she wants to be we will support and be proud of
her.
There are so many moments I look at her and think, “Where
did my baby go?” With the boys I remember feeling this way too, but unable to
stop time or change their growing in front of my eyes, I accepted it with them
and embraced them reaching each new accomplishment. Prior to Noah and this baby girl I carry
inside, I thought Isabelle was going to be our last chance to experience the
wonder and awe of infancy and childhood.
While I’m so thankful for the opportunity that those days will hopefully
not be over for us, I can’t help but ask God, please don’t let her grow up so
fast.
I love watching life through her eyes… I love the innocence
when she asks me if I’m going to throw up the baby to get the baby out. Or if I can help her put her shoes and socks
on cause she’s too “busy” (another word
for, I’m too lazy mom, you bend over and do it for me). Or if we can go on a Paw Patrol Christmas
adventure with Santa. For sadly I know
those moments are fleeting and soon she’ll be racing out the house, just like her
brothers, to play with her friends down the street. When the questions turn into more difficult
ones, “Why does that politician have to say terrible stuff about the other one.” Or “Will this baby die too or if this baby
big enough to live if she’s born today?”
that the boys ask me now.
The truth is each stage of raising kids has its blessings
and while they change and grow and quickly as the kids do, there is so much to
give thanks for. I am thankful for our
beautiful four year old, who brings us so much happiness, love and laughs. I’m so thankful for that phone call just over
4 years ago asking us to make a split second decision if we wanted to parent a
newborn baby girl. It was a life
changing moment and one that has brought us so many great things.
Isabelle you will always be one of the greatest gifts God
has blessed us with. We feel so fortunate
to be your parents and your forever family.
You are an amazing girl who will grow up to achieve so much. For if these past four years are any
indication of the greatness you bring to the world… I can only imagine what’s
instore.
When Jarrett and I first learned we were expecting again, we wondered how to get through yet another stage of uncharted waters. The honest truth is, these last several months have been hard on our family. We grew together but also fell apart together and all of us are at different stages of grief.
Isabelle’s understanding of where Noah is, is at the level of a three-year-old. She still asks me regularly if we can go get Noah from the hospital, if he’s done yet, and why she can’t see him in Heaven when I respond that he’s with Jesus. Michael’s grief is exhibited in behaviors some vocal but mostly through actions of inattentiveness, distraction and anger. We are working through them and I think we are beginning (I hope) to see a tiny light at the end of this long difficult hard road. Gabriel’s response has been mostly quiet, keeping many thoughts I’m sure to himself, and carrying on as if life is okay. He’s much quieter than he’s ever been, maybe more reflective, maybe just not wanting to say anything that could bring back the sadness and tears always just below the surface.
And then there’s Jarrett, he has his moments and days when I can tell the grief hits him more than others, when the pressure of holding us all together is too much, he pauses with watery eyes to say, “I thought of Noah today.” And continues on to reminisce about a memory we have together. And me. I think I could give you a different explanation for how I am at each moment of each day. Honestly some days I’m okay with the reality that I will get to be reunited with my son someday in the future when my days here on earth are through, and other moments I struggle with wondering why he had to leave us, mad that this is the ache we’ve had and have to endure, and questioning what Noah would be doing if he was able to have come home with us. A week or so ago, with my mother in law’s help, we went through Noah’s things (it just happened to be on the 8thmonth of his passing) as I laid in bed (on bed rest). It was emotional but I did my best to hold myself together, trying so hard to focus on the good moments we shared, and the greatness he brought to this world.
I feel fortunate that so many people honor and remember him even still today. So many people have told me that they don’t look at rainbows the same way, that they associate kindness with him and that he still comes into their minds. As Noah’s mother I can only be proud of the goodness he brought to us and sparked in so many people. I feel so blessed to be his mom.
And as much as we miss him, we know he would want us to find a way to be happy, to try and rebuild a life of love, peace and kindness with one another. So we try. In seeing how each of the kids were and still struggle to get through this journey in their own way, Jarrett and I wanted to be as cautious and protective as possible about what this pregnancy could bring. Sadly we know too well the scary sides of pregnancy and we ourselves felt paralyzed with fear, we didn’t want the kids to endure the same. In consulting with the counselors we have grown to trust, we sought their advice. They suggested that instead of making a big deal of our news, instead of surprising the kids with gifts like last time to tell them, that we wait until they noticed something was happening, growing, changing and asked us.
When we heard the recommendation, we both felt like it was the right choice so we held our news quietly between Jarrett and myself. In a way I feel like it was a gift we both could share. It was the happy news we used to support one another through the hard times. First we wanted to get through the first weeks of pregnancy, then the horrible weeks of morning sickness (which I promised myself I wouldn’t complain about this time-and even though it was WAY worse than with Noah, I did my best to uphold that promise.), and then the end of the first trimester and into the second. As we approached the half way point, we felt confident that the kids HAD to notice. Instead we found out they didn’t think twice about the number of hours I lay on the couch, that I didn’t get up to make any meals and that I was constantly battling symptoms of the flu- that they never caught.
As the time went on, we came to joke about it- Dad and I. He’d make a comment about how sick I was and I’d look at him to give him the glare. The boys, who we suspect would be the first to catch on, never did. And to our surprise, the person who actually discovered the truth first was Isabelle. I had just gotten home from a doctors appointment and sat on the couch as she watched Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood, one of her many shows. At once she paused from watching the show and said, “Mommy, what’s in your tummy?” I responded, “My stomach.” She wasn’t satisfied. “What else is in your tummy Mommy?” I thought for a moment and said, “Isabelle, what do you think is in my tummy?” She, plain-as-day, responded back “I think my baby sister is in your tummy.” I almost fell on the floor, thankfully my ever expanding hips were seated on the couch. My first thought was that someone must have told her. By this point we had shared the news with our parents and I thought someone must have filled her in. But after checking we learned, no secrets were spilled and she, had figured it out.
Even after she figured it out and would ask me about the baby in my tummy with the boys around, they didn’t seem to catch on. Jarrett and I secretly wondered if they knew but didn’t want to say anything. We also wrote it off to boys being boys, kids busy with their own lives, living in the moment. Either way we waited patiently... and they NEVER noticed.
Just over two weeks ago, I was scheduled for my weekly ultrasound where they check on the baby's fluid level and the length of my cervix (sorry tmi). We've learned they like to monitor the cervix very closely as if there are changes that can be a sign of preterm labor. I hadn't felt very good all week but thought it might have been caused from the cold Isabelle had shared with me. At the ultrasound though we learned some frightening news that they saw drastic changes in my cervical length. I was ordered to return home immediately and be on bed rest. While we waited for the report to be sent to my doctor, my anxiety and stress went through the roof, my confidence that we were okay and what happened with Noah wasn't going to happen again was shaken, and I decided I was going to be that totally annoying patient that insisted on getting attention. I called my OB and the Perinatologist's office and it just so happened both of my doctors were out of the office that day. I called back to my OB's office and talked to the receptionist. While very friendly she casually said, "Just leave a message on the nurses line and someone will call you back." It was in that moment I lost it. I started sobbing uncontrollably and went onto tell her I had lost a baby last year due that was born prematurely and that I couldn't handle going through a similar experience again. I begged her, "May I please talk to a doctor, anyone that has a moment to spare?" She must have understood I was have a true crisis (my words) and immediately transferred me through to Dr. A nurse. I tried to stop myself from the ugly snotty cry so that at least she could understand me. She was very supportive and said she wanted me to stay on bed rest, she was going to call and talk with Dr. A, even though it was his day off, and that she would call me back. At the same time a friend from Dr. E's office texted me to inquire what had happened as she had heard about my panicked call to their office. She was so supportive and told me she'd talk to Dr. E to see what he recommended.
To make a long, very stressful story short both doctors responded very quickly, gave me orders to stay in bed and go to the hospital if anything major changed and that they would see me the following morning. We reached out and asked for prayers. That afternoon, with fear raging through our hearts and minds, Jarrett and I made the decision, it was time to tell the boys.
That afternoon Jarrett picked up the boys from school and called them into our room, where I was tucked into bed. The boys stood at the foot of our bed and could tell immediately the seriousness of the conversation we were about to have. It reminded me so much of those talks we'd have when they'd ask about Noah's health and how he was doing. I hated that this was the way they were finding out. Jarrett started by asking the boys if they had noticed anything different about mom. They said they hadn't noticed anything. Dad continued by saying, "Maybe you've seen that mom hasn't been feeling that great or has laid on the couch a lot?" The boys looked puzzled and were keenly turning back and forth between dad and I to see what signs we were giving off. Dad then said, "Well Mom hasn't felt that great lately because she's pregnant again." Unlike the last time when the kids found out and there were shouts of joy and excitement, this time the announcement was met with uncertainty and obvious fear. Dad went onto explain that the doctors wanted me to stay in bed for a while to make sure the baby stayed inside and to grow bigger. That is when the questions started. Gabriel asked, "Is this baby healthy?" To which we said yes. Followed by the question, "Is this baby bigger than Noah?" To which we had to say "Not yet" since we were only 22.5 weeks along. The final question was about if we knew it was a boy or a girl, to which Jarrett said, "Its a girl." Michael then asked, "Is there any chance she could change to a boy?" To which we laughed, thank goodness as it broke the seriousness of the conversation and finally brought laughter into the news. We assured Michael she would be staying a girl. At that point the boys hugged me, told me they loved me and disappeared out of the room.
Jarrett told me later that night the boys had several more questions for him and that they were excited about the news. He said he just thought it was concerning for them to see me in bed and worried that what happened with Noah was happening again. While I hoped this wouldn't have been the way they would have found out, I am glad the news is out.
In the two weeks that the whole family has known, talking about the baby has been a great source of joy for all of us. The boys ask me everyday when they get home from school how the baby is, and if she's gotten any bigger. Isabelle is fascinated with the baby liking to pet my stomach and ask me if the baby can see in the dark inside my tummy. Just this past weekend the baby was moving all around and I asked the boys if they wanted to feel her. Michael went first and as he held his hand to my stomach the baby kicked. As he felt her his eye lit up and a smile from ear to ear appeared on his face. He said, "Wow, she's really strong." And then it was Gabriel's turn who had just come in from playing outside and didn't get to see Michael's experience. Michael said, "Gabriel do you want to feel the baby?" Gabriel said sure and put his hand on my stomach just as she moved her arm with a sudden burst toward the outside of my belly. It was strong enough that my entire stomach moved. Gabriel's first reaction was to yank his hand away. "Oh my gosh" he said, "I had no idea she could kick that hard." That afternoon the boy's friend Harlan came over to play and before he could even get in the door the boys had shared with him that they got to feel their baby sister kick. It was clear it was a memorable moment for them.
We pray for many more weeks/months that she will stay comfy inside and that we can continue to get to know her through her kicks and punches through my stomach. While its only been a short time that we've all known about her, the love, joy and happiness she has brought to our family has been so so great.
Here's a little video of baby girl sucking on her hand and fingers.
