In the 7 months it has been since we have said goodbye to Noah, I've found myself in those early days searching for a desire to keep going in this life. It wasn't supposed to be like this, why did he have to leave us? I kept asking myself the same questions over and over and over, and each time the unanswerable questions left me feeling only more despair.
Time heals, I was told. Even Jarrett would remind me that each day after June 25 was going to get easier to live through. At the time I wasn't sure if he was trying to convince me of that hope or if it was to convince both of us to keep going. There were many days I didn't believe him, wanted to push his optimism into the pile or crud that I felt I was dragging around behind me. But persistent he was, (thank Goodness) as he continued to be the rock he has always been, since day 1 more than 20 (yes 20) some years ago, when our journey together began.
Looking back now, 7 months after the worst day of my life, I'm starting to feel like I'm coming back to life. Am I the same person I was before this experience, NO, but really, is anyone the same after we've lived through today? The truth (how we seek to live our life thanks to the help of a wonderful grief counselor) is, every experience we have changes us, it shapes us and molds us into the person we are at this exact moment.
While I'd like to say I'm better off for living through the birth and loss of my precious son, I don't know if that is the truth. What I do believe to be the truth is this... I view life differently and the things I feared before in my life I do not fear anymore. I am more aware of the life going on around me, of the simple beauty in life than I ever was before... I search the sky daily for signs for reminders of the little life that I feel was cut too short. Some days I see those reminders and other days I do not, but in those days I tell myself Noah didn't need to remind me he's near, I feel him still in my heart. Another truth of the life I lead now is that I have been so blessed. In. So. MANY. Ways!!!!! From simply the best families, to friends that I ask myself how I deserve, to the kindness from strangers who share love with us, many simply because of our little boy. We have been wrapped in the loving arms of so many and it was because of that we survived those terribly dark and difficult months.
While I know I will always miss my precious Noah, and wonder what life like would have been, I thank him for giving me a reason to always look forward to what comes after this life. I believe that some day we will be reunited again, in Heaven, as he waits for us to join him there. While I long to see him again, I find myself seeking simple joys, glimpses of hope in this life here, that makes me want to stay for a very long while. Even six months ago, I could not have said the same thing... it was not the truth.
So here I am, on January 27, 2016 feeling myself being brought back to life. There are many reasons for this. I have an amazing partner in this life, who refused to give up on the sadness, despair and hopelessness I let overtake myself. A partner who reminded me everyday he was there for me, would carry me through and do what ever he had to "bring me back to life". I have three beautiful, very healthy (another word would be spunky, sassy or wild) children who bring me back to the daily grinds of life and have shown me that life has to go on... literally who else would be able to help them find their shoes or their library book? We have a family that has been there for us in so many ways, I can't begin to recount all the ways in which they have stood by us. And friends.... thank God for each of you.
As as much as those great blessings above have saved me, so has the promise of what the future holds. I live very much in the moment now, in the actual minute this life has given me. That is perhaps the biggest change I've seen in myself. And as much as I try to not let myself get into the business of controlling the future (see I have no ability to control the future), I still long for and anticipate good things ahead.
As I start remembering what it feels like to look forward to tomorrow with hope and anticipation, I am forever different. I will forever bear the scars created by the loss of my son, I will never "forget", "get over", or "move on" from the devastation losing him caused. But what I have learned is that I can find joy in life again. I can find hope in the promise of tomorrow. And I can find peace in living with the truth that good things have happened in this moment, can happen in the future and my happiness is okay.
That is the truth I feel today. I'm coming back to life... one day, one hour, one moment at a time.
Until next time,
angie
