In the coming days I will be sharing with you each of the acts of kindness we plan to perform on October 3rd. We've spent a great deal of time trying to put together acts of kindness that are different, all important and will give us an opportunity to do something for others that can help make their lives better, even if its just for a little bit.
So here's the first activity we invite you to participate with us in...
1) Noah's Kindness Project t-shirts.
Purchase a t-shirt to wear as you participate
in Noah’s Kindness Project.Wear it on
October 3 or any day of the year for that matter.Remember the legacy of kindness Noah helped
to create, and share a piece of yourself through kindness with the rest of the
world.The t-shirts will be made by
TumbleTee’s, a local, youth-in-business social enterprise with a vision to
provide quality screen printing services to the community while giving homeless
youth leadership skills and gainful employment. Think about this... Tonight
in Phoenix alone, more than 650 youth will seek shelter on the streets. Tomorrow night will look exactly the same
unless something changes.
Purchase
a t-shirt to celebrate Noah’s Kindness Project, while also helping homeless
youth find purpose through meaningful employment.
Our t-shirts for Noah's Kindness Project for this year will look like...
The high quality t-shirts will be ordered in men's, women's and even children's sizes and will cost approximately $10-12. The final t-shirt order will be placed on Wednesday, September 16th, so order your t-shirt now! T-shirts will be distributed the week of September 28th.
If you'd like to learn more about how getting your Noah's Kindness Project t-shirt can help others, and more information on TumbleTees please visit:
http://tumbletees.com/
To place an order for one of our Noah's Kindness t-shirts pleaseCLICKHERE.
Please remember to submit your order before September 16th. And you don't have to be in Arizona to get a t-shirt. We'd gladly mail a t-shirt to you, where ever you live!
Thank you for your support and please let me know if you have any questions.
Last night one of my friends, sent me the link to a story about a person asking for help online about how to deal with grief. She shared that one of the responses received gave a completely different perspective about how to deal with grief. I clicked right away and was really curious about what it was going to say.
See I've heard my share of
The best way to get through grief is to just give it time.
You have to move on for the sake of your kids. They need you.
He will always be with you.
God has a bigger plan for this, we don't understand but he knows what he's doing.
And on and on and on.
To each of the justifications for how or why I should get through grief, I have a response.
The best way to get through grief is to just give it time.
I'm not really interested in letting time pass, unless that means I can go back in time and redo everything so that I can bring my son home in my arms. I'm not too interested in the reality that I have to suffer for many long days, months, years in order to feel better.
You have to move on for the sake of your kids. They need you
You're right, they do need me, but I can't move on just for the sake of moving on. There's no forgetting about, pushing it down, forgetting about any of the things that happened regarding Noah's presence in our life. He will always be a part of who I am and so I'm not "moving on." I'm learning how to live without him here.
He will always be with you.
This week, this statement doesn't bother me as much, but a couple of weeks ago, Then, I would have completely disagreed. There are some days when I feel him, his spirit, his presence close to me. This week, he has made his presence known. From the rainbow next to his picture
, to the rainbow that appeared today in the boy's room while Michael was playing. And the gentle ringing from the chimes, given in his memory, that peacefully dinged throughout our family dinner tonight. It was calming almost as if Noah's was saying, "I'm here with you." These things bring me great peace.
But sometimes I can't feel him, I feel like he has left us, left me and my heart aches with great pain. I don't know how to describe it, and I'm pretty sure, prior to this whole thing happening, if I would have heard myself talking like this, I might have thought I was drinking a little too much wine. But now its different, its like I can see and feel things I never use to be able to. Perhaps that's one of the experiences that comes along with losing a child. I can tell when he is near.
And it hurts a lot when I can't feel or see signs that he is near.
God has a bigger plan for this, we don't understand but he knows what he's doing.
This is perhaps the statement I have the most frustration with. I trust God. I always have, but this experience has shaken my faith. When I hear someone share with me, that the reason for this happening is because of God's bigger plan, it makes me feel like Noah was taken from me because of my inadequacies in being able to parent him, or parent four children. Like I wasn't good enough, worthy enough, or even a good enough mother to have him. That's how it makes me feel.
And so I struggle with believing Noah's passing was because of God's bigger plan. Maybe if he would have given me a chance to be Noah's mom here on earth, outside of those NICU walls, I could have proven how worthy I was to have my son stay in my arms. And so it bothers me. Was God's plan the best, I have to trust that it was, but that doesn't make me feel any better in the fact I don't get to hold my baby in my arms.
So I try to move through this process of grieving... some days I see more of the sun and other days I can see nothing but dark dreary skies. I worry, if I'll ever find myself again, the person who optimistically charged through life, believing good things will come to you, if you put good things out into the world. I've learned, that most of the time that is true, but there's still bad things that happen. This is one of those bad things, I have to live through.
And so, when I received Tara's email, I couldn't wait to see what the different response toward grieving was. Maybe this held a unique perspective, I could think about as I struggle to get through many different points in my day. I clicked on the link...
As I read it, I thought about my grandfather. At 90 years young (and he really is young because he keeps up like he's 45), I thought about all the losses he's experienced in his life. His father, his friends in the war, his grandparents, his mother, his beloved wife of 60 years, his siblings, his friends from later in life, now his great-grandson he never got to meet, and many more I'm sure I've neglected to include. And I sat here and thought... how blessed have I been to only have weathered this horrible hurricane of waves a couple of times.
I've lost grandparents, some classmates when we were in middle school, and now my son. While losing Noah cuts so deeply, how blessed have I been to have not had lost like so many others have. Today, I met with another friend, who confided with me that she too had lost a baby at 28 weeks, her baby boy named Jonathan. And then only a few years later she lost her husband. My heart ached for her as she shared the story of her losses. And then a few hours later, I met another friend who talked about getting her first tattoo, even though she wasn't too excited about tattoos, but wanted to see her mom's name written one more time.
Sitting here tonight, I've reflected on the fact that losing our loved ones is a reality in this gift we call life. We all, at some point, are going to experience loss. And losing that loved one is really gonna hurt. Its gonna leave scars and sometimes it may feel like the huge gaping wound you are left with after their death, isn't gonna heal. Sometimes I worry about that with losing Noah, but then I talk with some of you, I see first hand the tears you try to hold back in your eyes as you talk about your precious baby in Jesus' arms, or the letters you've saved from your mom. And I think, back to what this person above shared in their perspective of grief... "If the scar is deep, the love was also deep. "
You know what, I think he's right. The scars are tough and they hold us back together. And sometimes they are not pretty. But would I have wanted to trade this gaping wound that will hopefully someday form a scar, in exchange for the time, the joy, the love my son gave me... never. Absolutely never. The happiness, the joy, the love I felt as Noah moved around inside me, was greater than any amount of pain and sadness I feel now.
He was worth every single 100 foot wave I have endue. The perspective shared in the message above, really does speak to me. I do feel like our ship was thrown upon the rocky shore and broke into hundreds of tiny pieces. Some days I feel like the piece of wood I cling to is too small and I struggle to keep my head above water before the next wave comes. And then there have been days, more recent now, that I feel the time between the waves increases, I can see the sun light peering through the hurricane clouds, and I have time to prepare for the next wave of emotion crashing into me. I do no know what the future of this storm looks like, but if what this person above says is true, this is a storm, I'm gonna get experience in riding. I'm gonna build up some pretty strong swimming legs, and I'm gonna get use to the taste of the salty, unsatisfying water.
Its not the easy way to live, but if it means I get to feel deep love, care and be cared for by those I love... than I'll ride this storm, I'll tread the troubled waters of grief, and I'll keep searching for the part in the clouds as the sun starts to shine more and more.
I'll do the best that I can to find the other side of grief, for I hope that means someday I'll get to have my fourth child, my third son wrapped in my arms. For the promise in Heaven is that we get to rest from the storms, and live in pure glory.
That sounds like a pretty good reason to keep swimming to me.
For those who would like to participate in Noah's Kindness Projects, we've printed up small cards to share with people you do an act of kindness for. They can be left with your tip at a restaurant, asked to be handed to the person behind you in the drive through after you pay for their breakfast, or simply shared with someone as you gift them with your kindness.
We've printed up many of these to share with you who are interested in participating. For those in or near our hometown back in Iowa, if you'd like to have some cards to share, you can pick them up from the office at New Hampton Transfer & Storage, or you can contact my sister, Megan and she will help to mail you some.
For those in Arizona that would like to participate, I will have cards to share with you right after Labor Day.
Or the other option, if you'd like to start using them now is to contact me and I'll email you a PDF version of the card or visit our Noah's Kindness Project Facebook group online to download the PDF. This is for those who are around the country that would like to participate.
Here is a preview of what the cards look like...
Tomorrow it will be 2 months since Noah's heart stopped beating as I held him in my arms. It will be two months tomorrow morning that part of my heart left my body and went with my son. I miss him so terribly some days, the heart ache and sadness consume my every thought. If tears shed could bring him back, I think we've shed enough tears, I know he'd be back in our arms.
While Noah never was carried through the threshold and into our home, our house seems partially empty now. I keep dreaming about what it would have been like to bring him home in 6 weeks from now. Instead, it means six more weeks of sunsets, when I look into they sky, and pray for a sign from my baby that he is still with us.
As hard as some days are, it seems to be those days, when we are so graciously reminded of the love and care so many of you have shown for us. I know we'll never be able to repay you all, so I try to repeat over and over just how thankful we are. It is because of so many of you, we try to carry on, the best we know how, one foot in front of the other.
And while we appreciate every single act of kindness, every single prayer or thought sent to us, every card, every text and every loving message you share, there have been some acts that take my breath away. And one of those moments happened just recently in our house.... thanks in part to one of you.
I arrived home on Friday afternoon and went to the front door and found a package. It was an over-sized envelope addressed to me, with no return address. I walked inside, and stood at the front table and carefully opened the package. Inside was a book. I took it out and found this...
I looked back at the envelope to see who it was from. With no answer, I turned back to see what was inside. I opened the front cover....
I read it, and I cried. I knew it was from Noah.
As I read the words along the page, I reached with my hand for the chair, never letting my eyes leave the page. I sat down as tears streamed down my face.
I read each and every word, savoring the message my son had written to me. Strangely enough, I felt like I could hear his voice (or what I imagine his voice would have sounded like) in my head. My broken heart wept with happiness at the gift I was getting to experience.
When I got to this page, I sobbed. I carefully set the book down on the table and let my head fall into my hands. Our song, our special song, I sang to him over and over in the NICU. His heart beating with mine, at night, when I can't sleep, I often hear his heart beating... its the sounds I heard every morning and night as I laid in that hospital bed hooked up to the monitors. The pictures so perfectly drawn to capture exactly what I longed to experience. I sobbed, for once again, I had felt a rush of peace... the peace I have to believe that brings us healing.
When I had composed myself enough to wipe away the tears and see the pages, I turned again.
Looking at Dad's picture and reading about what Dad feels, I smiled. The book so clearly outlined how Dad feels but often times keeps inside. I'm so thankful Noah sits on his shoulder and reminds him "it's going to be okay."
And when I got to this page, I rubbed my finger over and over the littlest one sitting between his grandparents. It reminded me of the last few days in the NICU, how our parents sat directly across from bed 50 (Noah's bed) and kept a careful watch on him, and on us. I know Noah knew they were there in his final hours and I am sure he's with them as they walk this difficult sadness in losing a grandchild too.
When I got to the page about Gabriel, I knew he'd be so proud to see the page written about baseball... not because of his love of the sport, but because Gabriel was so excited to teach his brother how to play. Later that evening, when we all read the book for the first time, I saw Gabriel's eyes light up with happiness and then fill with water. The book spoke to his heart too... and how much love he had for his littlest brother... the one he never got to teach how to play, but the one who sits in his heart, watching from the best seat in the house.
Of all the pages in the book, the page about Noah's other brother Michael, spoke the most to me. Of all the sadness and heartache that losing him has caused, there has been one good thing that has come from it. Michael's level of affection and display of love has increased ten fold. Michael and I are probably the most alike in that we are stubborn and sometimes that means see don't see eye to eye.
In reading that Noah sneaks in-between Michael and my hugs, I couldn't contain my emotions again. Noah has brought Michael and my relationship closer together. And in his spontaneous and now regular hugs of love, we both find comfort and common ground in expressing it. The emotions flow wildly thinking Noah could be in the middle sharing in our expression of love to one another. And that makes me feel happiness.
While I don't know what wonderfully amazing person made this book for us, I am so so so deeply grateful. Reading about Isabelle from Noah's perspective made me wonder how the story knows us so well. Each and every night I turn out Isabelle's light and turn on an Elsa light that shines into the sky with a picture of Elsa and stars on the ceiling. As we pray she talks about Baby Noah and on the very night we received this book, as I tucked her into bed, she said, "Mommy, baby Noah misses you." Out of the blue, I had said nothing, in fact we hadn't even said our prayers. I was pulling up her covers as she said it, and when I heard her say it, I stopped, looked down at her and said, "What honey?" She repeated it, "Mommy, Baby Noah misses you." I choked back tears. Kissed her on the forehead, and tried to say, "Honey, I miss him too. Tell Baby Noah, Mommy loves him." She turned on her side, snuggled with her blanket and said, "I love you Mommy, goodnight."
Immediately I thought of this page in the book that had brought me so much peace.
And then, as I turned the final page of the book, still sitting in the chair, I read this...
And every night for the past 60 nights, my last thoughts before going to bed have been this... "Good night Noah. Mommy loves you forever. I hope to see you tomorrow."
And I cried. The tears, like the fresh stream at the bottom of a snow capped mountain... the flowed freely. All that had been bottled up inside for the weeks, the days, the hours and the minutes since he left us... my son had sent us a message. And he sent it through one of you.
As soon as Jarrett got home and the kids were all together, we sat down as a family and I read the book to them. Everyone gathered around and sat and stood quietly (everyone, even Isabelle) was glued to the pages of the book as I read to them the story of our littlest one. I tried my best to hold back my tears of happiness as I read it with enthusiasm and joy. On the final page, I read, "Good night my family. See you tomorrow. I love you forever. Noah." and I closed the book. I looked up at Dad who had tears rolling down his face and then at the kids whose eyes were as wide as they are on Christmas morning. Michael asked, "Mom, did Noah send us this book from Heaven?" And Gabriel said, "This is my favorite book ever. It makes my heart feel so happy." Michael, wrapped his arms around me, as he now regularly does, said nothing until he pulled away and said, "Mom, I love that Noah is hugging with us, when we hug." Isabelle jumped up and down saying "Baby Noah, Baby Noah, I love Baby Noah." and together all of us, rejoiced in the gift that a stranger, an angel here on earth, had given.
The kids love the book as much as Jarrett and I do.
Each and everyday, we have read "The Littlest One" countless times. It sits on the shelf in between our living room and kitchen and it is one of our favorite treasures. The kids have the book pretty much memorized by now but each time they read it, I see their eyes light up. This precious book has given me glimpses into what our lives could have been like if Noah would have stayed here. I can picture nights with all four kids sitting on the couch reading books together, and because of this book... in a way, we can still have that experience together.
Who ever out there created this masterpiece for us and for our family, I want you to know you've given us something wonderful, so great words cannot fully describe. You've given us peace in hearing Noah's perspective of how he sees us, how wonderful his life from above looking down seems to be... you've given us something that brings us all together, to share... to reflect on the love we lost, but also the love we still have.
It has been 60 days since we said goodbye to our littlest angel. Sixty days I wish more than anything I could go back to have a different ending. But we can't go back, we can only go forward, and the gift you've given us, helps us do just that. You've given us the story of us, written from the perspective our precious son. When Noah went to Heaven, I thought hearing his voice, listening to his story of his life, was one more thing I had seen perish in front of me. But thanks to you, it didn't. Thanks to you, we all get to hear Noah's story... written from his own point of view. The point of view from our littlest one. And boy is it one great story.
Thank you so much.
Good night my precious baby. Mommy loves you forever. I miss you always. I love you always, and I hope to see you tomorrow
We are actively working to plan details for October 3 and we've been so thankful for the positive responses so many of you have shared with us regarding the manner we hope to honor our son. We again are so thankful for your support.
Yesterday I spent most of the day putting together a schedule and writing out the details of the 12 acts of kindness we plan to do on the day Noah was suppose to be joining our family. I have a few more details to narrow down and then (hopefully by the end of the week), I will post information about what we will do. For those in the valley we invite and would love for as many people as possible to join us during the day. Come to join in one service activity, come for two, or join us for the entire day. We welcome all!
Today, I really feel like Noah's Kindness Project gained some steam as we began physically working on the items we will give to the NICU for other families to have. Nana and Papa came over right after church this morning and we got started on making scent cloths.
When Noah was in the NICU, I was given cloths to wear on my body so my scent would be passed onto it. Then I'd place that cloth next to him or over his face so he would find comfort in knowing I was near. Noah's nurses shared with me how important the scent cloths were and willingly provided me with plenty to take home and use.
Not only was the scent cloth a benefit for Noah, but it was also something I grew to cherish... for a couple of reasons. One, was that as a mom in the NICU, there's a feeling of helplessness in the situation. I wanted to do anything and everything I could to help Noah and when I was given the scent cloths, it was actually something I could do to help. I was very diligent in wearing them, switching them out, and it brought me a lot of comfort and happiness knowing my scent was bringing Noah the same feeling.
The other reason why I loved the scent cloth was because when it was time to switch out Noah's cloth, they would put in my new cloth and I would get to have the one that had been resting on his head, or near his arm, against his cheek. And guess what.... his scent had been transferred onto the cloth and I got to smell him. The first time I got to take home his scent cloth, I smelled it the entire drive home. It made my insides swell with love. I placed his cloth on my pillow that night and I slept with the feeling that he was with me. It meant so much to me.
And so, when we talked about wanting to do an acts of kindness day in Noah's honor, one of the first things I thought of was the scent cloths and how much they meant to me.
Today Nana helped (okay, actually she did almost all the work) us to make heart shaped scent cloths to share with other NICU moms. We got right to work and got 45 made today. I hope in the next couple of weeks, we will get the rest done. So far, I'm super excited with how they turned out, and the fact that we made them into the shape of a heart, will be unique and the staff will remember they are from Noah and his family.
Here's a quick preview for how things are coming together.
Nana and Isabelle hard at work
Our work in progress...
.
Our stack to be made still
And our work in progress. The blue sleeping bag featured above is an act of love Nana made for Noah to go to his forever home in. Its called a snuggle sack and as a mom, I wanted to make sure Noah always felt warm and snuggled. Nana is very talented in putting such a precious gift together in less than a half hour. She plans to make these to donate to the NICU as well. Sadly, we are not the first family to have to say goodbye to our precious baby, and we, unfortunately, will not be the last. We never had time to go get clothes for Noah, but thankfully there were families that had donated items for him previously that he go to use. Hopefully these snuggle sacks can provide comfort like so many families provided us through their donation.
And with our donation of the snuggle sacks and the heart shaped scent cloths, we plan to include the following poem. It will hopefully bring love and happiness to the families in the NICU, just as we were given during our time there.
So were building steam, and getting ready for October. It makes me feel good to know we are hopefully doings things that can directly benefit another family going through a very stressful time.
I'm thankful for Nana and Papa's help and for their assistance in getting thing started.
Today as we were working, rainbows filled our house and it made me think Noah had to be looking down and happy that goodness can come from our sadness in missing him.
Another post from when things were so much better...
Full Steam ahead
May 12, 2015
This week marks the point where I’m almost at the half way point of the pregnancy. I can’t believe we are almost already half way there and I’m so so thankful the first 18 weeks are over. I’m hoping they were the hardest part, that is until labor. I know that is the Mount Everest of this pregnancy journey. Thankfully I have about 18 more weeks to procrastinate in facing the reality that that part has to happen.
For all the weeks I spent complaining about how terrible I have felt, I’m finally ready to focus on how much better I’m feeling. I’m not feeling great, but I’m feeling oh so much better. I actually have the energy to get up and make meals for my family, to throw in a load of laundry and believe it or not, even attempt to clean my house. This is light years ahead of where I was just a few weeks ago.
I still have my moments when I want to lose my lunch and going to the grocery store still presents in many challenges. I don’t know if it is all the food, the different smells, or just the different types of foods (I think its that being I said it twice), but I have such a hard time keeping myself from getting sick. I usually try to race through the store, picking up the necessary items and pray my gagging reflux stays a reflux.
I’ve also officially moved into the stage of preferring to wear maternity clothes over my regular clothes. It seemed to almost happen overnight, actually it did. On Sunday morning I went to put on a pair of shorts and while they still fit every other place, there was so closing the button around my waist. Given that we spent Mother’s Day at home, I opted to leave my pants unbuttoned and wore a big shirt overtop to hide the fact my pants were gaping open. I showed Jarrett and said, “look, it won’t close” to which he responded, ‘Isn’t it so exciting?!?!?!” I I love his continued optimism.
Another exciting this happening this week is that we had our 20 week (a few days early) ultrasound. I’m traveling back to Iowa this afternoon for my brother’s wedding and I wanted to be able to share with my family then if we are having a girl or boy. My doctor said they actually like to do their ultrasounds around week 19 so she was totally on board with scheduling me early.
After last week’s scare, and having had an ultrasound only three days earlier, I was looking forward to having an ultrasound for something other than a complication. Yesterday was the big day. Jarrett and I went together and the ultrasound tech took us back. She asked us some questions, expressed excitement as most people do when we tell them we have three other adopted children and this surprise baby is our first pregnancy. She then went right to work. This ultrasound was very different than I expected and while I hoping to get some great pictures of the little peanut (well, I guess actually this week the baby is a size of a heirloom tomato), instead most of the time was spent looking at cross sections of the baby to check all the organs and fetal development. The baby seems to have found a very comfortable place down in my lower pelvic area and was not interested in moving. With its head down, and sleeping rather soundly the tech had me lay on one of my sides for a while hoping baby would turn. Nope. So I laid on my other side maybe that would make baby slide to the other side. Nope, the baby was still not interested in waking up or moving anywhere. So then I got to drink juice to give the baby some sugar. While the juice woke the baby up and made the baby start moving its arms and legs, it still had no interested in moving from the far right corner of my pelvis. Even with the tech poking, prodding and bouncing the sensor all over my stomach, Baby H had no interest in moving around. The tech said, “Your baby is being stubborn.” To which I responded, “I have no idea where she/he would have gotten that from.”
In the end, after an hour of trying to get the baby to move to see all the parts she needed to see, the tech game up and she said, “You’re just going to have to come back and we’ll do this again. That’s the good news and the bad news.” Personally, I see it only as good news as I told her, “Every time we get to see the baby, moving and the heart beating, it is reassurance everything is okay.” I’ll take as many of these as I can get. After the hour plus long ultrasound, it was time to go to my 20 week appointment with Courtney, the nurse practitioner. Every other appointment, I was scheduled with Dr. B so this was different, but given the fact I had just seen Dr. B three days earlier, I felt confident in seeing someone else. Courtney turned out to be wonderful and very informative. She reviewed the preliminary results of the ultrasound with us, and what they could see. She said the baby looks wonderful, is measuring right on target, the organs, heart, kidneys, stomach, bladder all look great. They could tell the baby is doing everything she/he is supposed to by drinking the fluid, sending it to its stomach, and then to its bladder and back out into the sack. Isn’t that such a precious process? Who wouldn’t want to drink your own pee? Okay, I’m joking, its all clean pee they tell me. Seriously, isn’t that kind of strange though?
She then went onto to give me a good talking too about the bleeding I’ve been having. She said, some women are able to run a marathon during their pregnancy, and some women aren’t allowed to spend hardly anytime on their feet.” You have to listen to your body, and I think your body is telling you its stressed when you’ve been having some of these symptoms. I had told her the night before I had contractions, (nothing they are worried about but Braxton hicks) and she said that is often a sign of dehydration or that your body is stressed. And that on top of the spotting, she said, “You are going to have to start taking things easier, or the next thing we move to is bedrest.” I told her I’d be a good listener and try to take things even more easy. She asked me how active I’ve been and to be honest, I don’t feel like I’ve been active at all. However as I started listing things off she said, “You have to remember you are already a working mom to three kids who are busy and involved. While it doesn’t seem to active you to, you are actually very active in just keeping up the normal schedule with them. Give yourself permission to take things easy before we have to force you to take things easy.” The message was received, loud and clear!
As we wrapped up the appointment, I was again reminded of the fact I’m turning another year older and how that means this pregnancy is different. She said, I’m going to give you orders for your glucose testing. She said, how it works is you’ll go and drink a large sugary drink, sit and wait for an hour and then have your blood taken. If you pass the test they will say congratulations, you get to come back in a few more weeks and do it all over again. If you don’t pass the test then you get to come back sooner, drink another sugary drink and other stuff (I tuned out actually) and then you get to take a three hour test. Either way because of your age, you get to do this twice. I’ve heard about this drink from my other pregnant friends and they’ve said it isn’t the most pleasant but tolerable. Pre-pregnancy when I couldn’t get enough sugar, I probably would have welcomed it. Now I’m not too interested in sugar and so we shall see how it goes.
She asked if I had any final questions and I decided to ask about how often I need to come back now that I’m at twenty weeks. She said that my next appointment will be in a month and then at 28 weeks I will start coming every two weeks. Then at 32 weeks I get to come twice a week to the office to see them just so they can make sure everything is going well. I was surprised twice a week, given my sister had just had a baby and only had to go weekly. Courtney must have sensed me mentally trying to figure out why I had to come twice, so she said, “That’s a benefit of being of advanced maternal age!” For once in my life, I’m actually okay with going twice a week. She said, “You’ll probably also have several more ultrasounds as we like to monitor the baby closely towards the end.” Finally, a benefit (or dare I say two) of being old and pregnant. In the last 20 weeks, I’ve found the doctors’ appointments to be so comforting and helpful as I navigate this uncharted waters. I look forward to the frequent reassurance that things are going as they are supposed to.
One of the questions the doctor had asked me was if I was feeling a lot of movement from the baby and truthfully, other than a handful of times here or there, I haven’t really felt much. The doctor explained that sometimes that is normal and once again I prayed for a mellow, calm child. Seriously Isabelle runs enough for 3 or 4 kids. I had told the doctor the time when I feel the baby most is at night and last night was the best night of my pregnancy so far. As is every night, I get up to use the bathroom about 6 or 7 times and usually by 2 am I’m wide awake. Last night, as I laid in bed, counting the minutes tick by on the clock I was rubbing my stomach as sometimes it helps it feel better. As I rubbed my left side, I stopped for a bit and a second later, I felt it. It was surely a kick. I rubbed the same spot again and stopped. Sure enough it was another kick. Instantly I smiled and I felt for the first time it was the baby responding to me. I repeated the motion about 5 more times and each time I stopped and held my hand against my stomach, I felt a kick back in response. It was the best feeling ever! Honestly, I was so happy, I thought about waking up Jarrett, but remembered how tired he was so instead I enjoyed the moment just the two of us, baby and me.
In the weeks I was sicker than a dog, I’d beg my sister, Meg who just had a baby to give me some good news. “When does the pregnancy get better?” to which she responded, ‘When you feel the baby move.’ While I wanted to believe her, it wasn’t until last night when I realized she was 100% correct. Feeling baby H kick in response to my rubbing of my belly, honestly made feeling sick for 15 plus weeks worth it. While I do not want to relive it again, knowing baby is now big enough for me to feel and can show me he/she is doing okay in there, is simply amazing. What a miracle.
Highlights of the week:
How far along are you? 19 weeks 4 days
How I’m feeling? Better… full steam ahead
Total weight gain… I ‘m up 4 pounds since learning I was pregnant.
How big is baby? I Baby is about 11 ounces and 6 inches long. The size of a heirloom tomato.
Maternity clothes… awe yes, feels so much better on my belly!
Best moment this week… highlighted above!
Movement… Yay, several kicks!
Food cravings… not really craving but meat sounds good… steak, chicken
Food aversions… same as before… anything with tomatoes or tomato-based products, nothing with lots of garlic and or too spicy
Belly button in or out… still in
What I miss… Sleeping through the night.
What I’m looking forward to… going home to see my family in Iowa. My brother and Kacee’s wedding, my sister’s bridal shower and meeting my new niece for the first time!
Since Noah has passed, rainbows serve as a reminder to me that he is near. I've seen many rainbows since June 25 and each of them provides my heart with a tiny dose of peace.
Here in the desert, it isn't too common to see rainbows. It isn't too often we have rainstorms to bring about the beauty of them after the storm. And yet, this summer I've seen more rainbows here than I ever remember seeing. With each one I think of my precious little boy, the one who left my arms too soon.
I'll probably never stop searching the sky for rainbows, but thanks to a couple special people in our lives, we don't even have to leave our house now to feel Noah's presence.
See we've been given the gift of a rainbow catcher. Yes, you heard that correctly, a rainbow catcher. Who even knew there was such a thing. Here's what they look like...
and
And they do exactly as their name states... they catch the most beautiful rainbows and decorate them all throughout one's house.
That's what they do for us each and everyday now.
Sometimes the rainbows are faint...
And sometimes they are as vibrant as the beautiful blue sky outside...
Sometimes, they surprise us where they appear... like here on the chair I sit on at dinner.
And sometimes they dance around our house, hundreds of tiny rainbows, like diamonds in the star-filled sky at night.
The beautiful rays of color that fill our house, seem to appear all around, never in the same spot from one minute to the next. Last weekend, we found them a rainbow all the way into Gabriel and Michael's room along their bedroom door... the boys just happened to be in their room playing Legos at the time, and when the noticed it, they shouted across the house for us all to come and see. I wondered if Noah was watching them from above and giving us a sign.
Chasing rainbows throughout our house has become our favorite family tradition. And by "our' I mean all of us. The boys search for them, Isabelle dances when she sees them, Dad smiles when he sees them and my heart ache eases when I see the beautiful sign that reminds me Noah is always with us.
Sometimes the rainbow is faint (like the one in this picture above), but the healing power they bring all of us, is truly remarkable. We are grateful.
Chasing rainbows, those rainbows among us... our new favorite family tradition... one Noah can even a part of. And that, makes my heart feel blessed.
For the past two weeks my mom has been here to help us. I know when she surprised us on our anniversary, back on August 9th, that she had come to see us all, but mostly she had come because she was worried about me.
Maybe there is just something about having your mom with you that makes things better, and I am in a very different place than I was just two short weeks ago. It was a very dark place that I don't wish anyone to ever have to experience.
I told Jarrett, I told my parents, I had lost all hope and I wasn't going to let myself feel anything hopeful because I'm honestly kind of afraid God might take that away too. I'm not very trusting right now, so I choose to not risk anything that could make my heart ache and the pain worse. Kind of like that saying, "What do you have to lose when you don't have anything TO lose." That's how I felt and to protect myself, I choose not to let any hope seep back in.
Its not the way I want to live. This has never been the way I've lived my life. I've always been a hopeful person, I've always believed my dreams could someday become my reality and to follow one's dreams, there always has to be hope.
Having Noah was probably the biggest risk in hope I've ever taken. After we passed 20 weeks, I thought things were going to be okay, so I opened up my heart, and let hope flood my insides. I had great hope in seeing him for the first time. Getting to feel his tiny hand around my fingers. The hope for what our future was going to be like as a family of six. Hope for what he and his siblings would grow to be someday. Hope. It was racing throughout my body as Noah's tiny body grew day by day.
And then in a flash, Noah was gone and along with it went every ounce of hope I've ever felt. I just don't understand how God could grant the answer to my longest prayer only to take him away so quickly. I still struggle with this daily. Just last weekend, here in the valley, I happened to see on the news that someone found a newborn baby boy deceased in a dumpster behind a store. I immediately thought of Noah and that that baby was someone else's miracle. The baby, some mother's precious son, tossed out like a piece of trash. And my heart grows heavier, my mind spins, and I feel angry that God would allow such terrible things to happen. When I heard the news about the newborn baby boy found in the trash, I just happened to be driving to work on Saturday, and alone in my car, I shouted to God for an understanding.
There is nothing that makes since God in what you've done. Why would you take my son and allow a mother to throw away her perfectly healthy, full-term baby boy into the trash? I can't understand the sense in this. God, you've crushed me and with that you've taken my hope. I loved my son. I wanted my son. I would have died for my son. Why did you do this?
The response was silence... as it filled the air around me in the car on my drive.
It is reasons such as these I protect myself, by blocking out all hope, all chance that life can be full of color someday.
I can't put my finger on exactly what has changed in the last two weeks other than my mom has been here with us every minute we are not at work. It has been wonderful. She's made us home-cooked meals, took me shopping with her (which we haven't done in years), we went out for dinner just the two of us, and we spent time watching movies. Some nights, as she'd sit on the couch with Jarrett, I'd sit in the chair (still can't sit on the damn couch) and I'd think back to when I was a kid. How nice it was to feel sheltered by my parents protection. How no matter what was stressing me, they were their like a shield to take the brunt of the blow. That's what parents do. They protect, they provide safety and security and they are there to be one's rescuer in all danger.
Sitting on the couch seeing how my mom put her life on hold to come and "rescue" me, I've realized how lucky I am to have the mother I do. My mom never got the chance to have her mom rescue her when life with four young children got to be too much. My mom, lost her mom at a very early age.
And while our losses are the exact opposite, I know my mom's scarred heart can relate to the terrible heartache and pain I constantly feel. Perhaps that's why she came. Perhaps, she could sense it. Perhaps, actually the reality is, she's here because of a mother's love.
In the last two days of Noah's life, it was excruciating to have to watch him be poked, prodded, and filled with medication, blood and fluids. I found myself turning away as I just couldn't watch my poor baby go through another procedure. Internally I begged the nurses and the doctors to stop and to just let him be. I never vocalized it, I knew they were doing what he needed. I prayed by his bedside, I talked to him, I sang Amazing Grace over and over and over to him, and I begged God to let him stay. I would have given up my last breath in an instant, if it would have meant he could have lived. I really would have and if God came to me today and said I could take his place and give him life here, I wouldn't hesitate. I would go willingly.
And that's what I think a mother's love is. A mother loves her child, her family, her spouse in self-sacrificing ways that often go unnoticed. A mother, when she sees her child's life crumbing into pieces, races to help catch the other pieces to save them before they too crash to the floor. A mother would do anything to take away the pain her child feels, to take it unto themselves without question. I would have done this for Noah everyday of his life, and I try to do it for Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle now. This is what my mother has done for me the past two weeks she has been here.
And I think that's why I am not as far deep into that terrible dark hole as I was 15 days ago. Where the exits are no where to be seen and the only place to go is farther down. My mother found a way in the past 14 days, to throw a rope down to me, crawl down beside me, lift me up and carry me back out of that place. She has been my rescuer. She has guided me back on the path and cheered me along, telling me I can make it through this challenge.
I pray that this terribly difficult road we now walk, doesn't have any holes quite so large. I know there will be more, I worry about those days coming back. I beg God to let the pits be not as deep, but in my lack of trust, I try to prepare myself for another canyon to cross ahead.
Tomorrow morning, before the sun comes up, I take my mom to the airport, and say goodbye until next month when I go home as my sister gets married. I wish Mom was staying, we all wish she was staying, but the time has come for me to try to do this again on our own. I am an adult and need to carry the pieces of this broken life in my own arms. The burden seems unbearable, the weight of the sorrow crushing, and I'm not quite sure I'm ready to assume the struggle that for two weeks my mom shouldered for us. Its time to stand up, and try to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
My mom rescued me. My mom did for me, what I could not do for Noah. I will always live with the sadness I could not save him, no matter how hard I tried. And as hard as that is for me, I look at the life left in front of me and realized, my mom is doing exactly what I wanted to do for Noah. Only she's doing it for me. She was there for me in a way, that only a mother's love can be.
Thank you Mom. I'm so grateful you came, even though I told you not too. I'm so grateful for being that rock for the kids and I when I just couldn't pretend any longer. Thank you for everything you've done and continue to do. I'm truly blessed to have you has my mom. I love you.
Thank you to everyone who has helped us spread the message and support of Noah's Kindness Project. We are excited to see all of the ideas and efforts you have come up with to celebrate Noah's legacy with us all while helping the world to be a kinder place.
For those people here in the valley, we are in the process of putting together a schedule of service activities and events we plan to participate on Saturday, October 3. If you are here and interested, we would invite you to join us. In the coming weeks, we will share a detailed agenda of what our local kindness project will look like. We plan to perform 12 acts of kindness (in various different forms) in honor of the 12 days Noah lived. It will be a very busy day, but one that hopefully fills our hearts (and so many more) because of the kindness shared in his memory.
The Noah's Kindness Project cards will be created this weekend and posted on the website for those who live far away and would like to print out to use on their own. We will also be ordering a supply to share with those here. If you would like to have some of the cards for your efforts, please let Jarrett or I know and we can find a way to get them to you.
Additionally, we plan to order t-shirts to wear throughout the weekend. If you are interested in purchasing a Noah's Kindness Project t-shirt, we will provide additional information and order instructions here and on our Facebook page soon.
There are so many activities currently being planned, that this is the first time since Noah's passing that I feel consumed with something other than overwhelming grief. The support so many of you have shown us through your Facebook likes, the sharing of our group and the encouragement that you are willing to participate, is truly remarkable. And Jarrett and I both said, we feel this effort will be so critical in helping us turn the tragedy of Noah's passing into a moving legacy that spreads hope, faith and kindness... truly gifts Noah brought us.
Thank you all for the love and support.
More information coming soon. Noah's Kindness Project...be the rainbow in someone else's cloud.
Until next time,
Angie
Announcing the Celebration of “Noah’s Kindness Project” 2015:
Showing Love, Kindness, and Generosity on October 3, 2015
As many of you may know, our son, Noah
James Haskovec, was born to us on June 13, 2015 following a week-long stay
in the hospital. We spent the next
twelve days with him in the NICU at the hospital before he passed away on June
25. Our blog
documents his short but meaningful life with us here on earth.
While Noah lived a short time, we truly believe and find consolation
in that fact that his life was meaningful and impacted the lives of many others
in positive ways. Throughout our stay at
the hospital, our many visits to see him at the NICU every day, and after his
passing, we always felt the profound and genuine love, kindness, support, prayers,
and caring offered and shown by so many people, including those who had been
complete strangers to us and those living in states far away from us. Noah’s Kindness Project is both an
opportunity to remember and honor our son’s memory and to capture, recreate,
and promote the kindness, generosity, and love people exhibited toward us
during his life.
Noah’s life brought out the best in so many. While we were at the hospital, friends and
family regularly stopped in to visit us and offer their love and support and
brought or sent many gifts and care packages in an effort to make sure we had
everything we needed and to show they cared.
So many contacted us by every medium
imaginable – telephone, email, texts, Facebook, cards and letters, and
others – to share a supportive note and to let us know they were thinking about
and praying for us that it took us quite a while to get back to everyone. A few days before Noah was born, some friends
organized a meal delivery schedule to ensure that we would not have to be
concerned about planning meals for our other children. The meal deliveries went on for fully seven weeks. More friends and family than we
can count offered to watch our other kids and dog for us throughout this
time. Some friends jumped in to take one
of our sons to and from baseball practice and games. People prayed for us – some for the first
time in a long time. We continued to
receive a steady stream of letters, cards, flowers/plants, gifts, and other
expressions of love and support from friends and family over the next many
weeks. Some gifts were for our other
children and were offered to keep them happy and busy during this difficult
time. Once Noah had passed, the
kindness, generosity, love, and support continued to flow, including some
extremely moving gifts from strangers who read about and followed our
experiences on the blog. People followed our story – Noah’s story –
throughout on the blog. People rejoiced
with us during the happy times, prayed for us during the challenging times, and
suffered with us when he passed. We felt
lifted up throughout and were extremely touched. Just when we thought people couldn’t possibly
do more or be more generous to us, people did more. It has been an amazing feeling.
This October 3, Noah’s expected due date, please join us in
celebrating his life and legacy. Please
take some time out of your day to do something nice for someone, to help
someone in need or in distress, to volunteer or support a cause important to
you, to pray for others and reflect on what we can do to help, or to just make someone’s day unexpectedly better.
Below are some ideas of the many different ways you can participate
in Noah’s Kindness Project.
Visit someone in the hospital (or other care facility) or in their home
Call or reach out to someone in need or in crisis
Volunteer for a cause important to you
Donate to an organization that helps others and to which you would not ordinarily donate
Donate blood
Send a care package to someone who doesn’t
expect it
Open a door for someone or help someone carry
something
Generously tip a service person
Thank a healthcare worker, service person, firefighter, or emergency responder for
their service
Pay for someone’s meal or drink unexpectedly
Clean up a park, the side of the road or a neighborhood-shared space
Send an anonymous gift and note to someone in
need or struggling
Give someone a ride to their doctor’s
appointment
Share your talent in a way to make someone’s day
better
The act of kindness is really up to you. Our goal is to have as many people as
possible participate in spreading kindness and love across the world. Your act of
kindness can be as simple as holding a door or as generous as giving of your time
and money to help. All we ask is that
you do something and that you join us in remembering our son. We will
provide Noah’s Kindness cards that you can print out and encourage you to leave with your act of
kindness.
To see how far-reaching Noah’s Kindness Project can reach,
we ask, once your act(s) of kindness is done, that you report back and post
something about your experience. Please
use the hashtag #noahskindnessproject on Twitter, Instagram and join our
Facebook group “Noah’s Kindness Project”.
Take pictures, share Noah’s Kindness cards, and encourage everyone you
know to participate. The world needs
more love and concern for others. Noah
and his story brought it out in so many.
We ask you to please join us and be a part of Noah’s Kindness Project.
Please join us in our efforts and connect with us on Facebook under the group, "Noah's Kindness Project"
