Making Banana Bread... Madelyn's recipe

Madelyn loves banana bread and banana cake.  She's been asking me for quite a while to make some and to my fail, I just  haven't gotten it done for her.  She is patient but I guess the other day she decided to take matters into he own hands.  I walked into the kitchen  to see that she had taken on the job of making her own  version of banana bread.  See her recipe in pictures below...

That little girl, she sure cracks me up and makes me smile.  We decided on Friday night  to go wild and  crazy and ... stay home and have yet another family movie night.  I tried to spice things up by going to Harkins and  picking up the good popcorn and adding in the actual movie theater treats.  Madelyn was pretty excited... 

and if you look closely Jennings was excited too.

PS:  He LOVES popcorn.

And one final quick story about Madelyn.  While I attempt to keep working from home and have my work station set up at our dining room table, Madelyn often sits next to me and plays.  I guess the other day she must have figured out how to get into my phone because I seem to have about 76 pictures of her like this...

Yep, she sure does make us laugh.  

And she's decided she's rather stick to mom's recipe for banana bread, which I'm going to attempt to make with her tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

Until next time,

Angie

Our final night together... 5 years ago tonight.

Five years ago tonight, I would have done anything, anything to have switched places with you, to save you.  I begged God, pleaded with him, negotiated and tried everything I could think of to get him to let Noah stay.  

We knew the options left to save him were few and that we needed basically a miracle.  I asked God to please give us one and let him be okay.  To reverse the tides.  By this point in the night I hadn't we had realized that our time with him was limited so we tried to make the most of the time we had.  The nurses in the NICU had cleared out the entire pod and moved the other babies and their families to a different location.  I remember feeling guilty that they had to be relocated and wished so much we weren't that family that was being told there was nothing left they could do.  We called in our family and most people were able to come with us.  We asked our parents to stay the night and the staff prepared a family room down the hall so we could stay with him.  It seemed like a whirlwind and a bad dream I was going to wake up from.

Jarrett and I took some time to go into the family room but I felt guilty not being by Noah's side.  What kind of mom was I if I left him in his final hours.  I remember my chest being so full of milk and hurting but knew there was no point to pump, he would never benefit from it.  My heart was breaking... and I wished I could be taking his place.

I'm so thankful for Melanie and Brandi and Becky and the others who helped find a way to let us hold Noah.  It had been 11 days and the most I had been able to do is help change his diaper and hold his finger.  I can still remember his tiny body placed into my arms.  It was incredible.

Throughout the night we went to his bedside, I'd put my head against the bed and I'd sing him "How Great Thou Art"  I couldn't get the song out of my mind.  To this day I still have a window on my cell phone browser that is open to the song lyrics... the same page I had open throughout his stay in the NICU.I don't know if he heard it, or if it made a difference, perhaps it was more for me.

As the hours ticked by on the clock I dreaded the beeps and I knew each round of cares was one more closer to his final one.  Thank goodness Brandi worked that night and I am sure it was a miserable night for her... I don't know how you get used to it as a NICU nurse, maybe someday she can tell me the secret.

As much as I didn't want him to go, I remember looking at him and I could see the toll the 11 days fighting so hard had been on his body.  He was swollen, his poor tiny veins had been poked so many times and his oscillator was hard on his soft skin on his face.  I didn't want him to suffer anymore.  As much as I begged to keep him here, I was tired of making him fight to stay.  He didn't have to do it for me, for us.... I wanted him to be pain free and I guess if that means he had to leave us to get that, well than I will live with the pain of missing him the rest of my life.

As we come up on five years of having been separated from each other in this world and Heaven, I thought maybe it would have gotten easier with time.  Honestly this has been probably one of the most difficult years so far.  I don't know exactly why but my heart just aches in missing him.

Tonight I went for a walk with Jennings and Madelyn and in walking I saw the sky filled with pinks, and purples and blues.... I wonder what the view is looking down from Heaven.  Tonight my heart feels sad and heavy.  Tonight he is thought of and missed more than ever.

Until next time,
Angie

The way we spend our days...

I wanted to posted a couple of videos on here to remember how we have been making it through our COVID quarantine days.  Before I go into telling about how our days have been spent, I wanted to mention that not an hour goes by that I haven't been thinking of Noah and exactly what are lives were like 5 years ago this date....  Honestly I decided after Noah's 5th birthday that I couldn't look recap the feelings thoughts and details like I did the week before his birth because honestly it was too hard.

I hope it doesn't mean I don't think of him as much as that I'm not honoring him the way I should. I think of him and he occupies my mind so much, it was just that I found myself sliding into a deep hole of grief and while I think grief can be like the ocean coming and going in waves, I found myself feeling like I was caught in a tidal wave and couldn't get back to shore.  Jarrett and I talked and honestly his birthday was really hard for both of us.  We spend the majority of his 5th birthday night in tears and in talking we decided, that if it hurts us too much to relieve some details, than maybe we chose not to do that.  Noah' doesn't need us to feel sad to remember him.  In fact I believe he's in the greatest place he could be, if he can't be with us.  He doesn't have pain, or hurt, or have to deal with any of the hard things we are dealing with here... he is good.  He doesn't need us to worry and so in talking I made the decision that I was not going to go back and reread each day that I wrote, I would instead remember the highlights in my head and celebrate his life as they come to me, and they most definitely do.

In two days it will be 5 days since he left us and I know it will be a hard day, but I am determined to try to find ways to make it an okay day.  I will try to live in the present moment with my family here because honestly big things are happening, even as we stay at home and try to keep our family safe.

So in speaking of that I wanted to share some videos of what our family has been up to... We are running out of ideas of things to do so we are having to get creative, as you'll see.  Meanwhile you'll see Jennings has gone from 11 month old to toddler it seems overnight... when did my baby know so many words, having the ability to walk all over and now climbs up on his scooter car and moves like he's 18 months, not even a year.   As fun as it is to watch him, my heart is aching that he's already getting so big.

So here's the videos... how we've been spending our days...

Madelyn surprises me with her magic while I try to work.

The kids do their daily exercise (including the biggest kid), while I try to work.

We added a bounce house to the living room, because it's too hot outside to play in it... while I try to work.

Jennings moves constantly, spending a great deal of time by the door looking and calling out for Daddy, while I try to work

Notice a theme. :-)

And when the day of work is done, we go swimming. Here's the newest activity the kids are trying to stay occupied...

And more of Jennings moving....

And more of him emptying our cupboards....

Not too many dull moments around the house.

So there you have it.  The days are flying by and as hard as some of them are, I crawl into bed each night and give thanks for the time we are getting to spend, and that our family is still safe and healthy.

Until next time,

Angie

Father's Day...

Happy fathers'd day to all the wonderful dad's out there.  Jarrett and I are thankful for the wonderful dad's God blessed our lives with and while we can't be with them today, we are thinking of them and so grateful for all the ways they care for, love us and guide us in life.

Happy Frather's Day Dad and Papa!


I wanted to take some time today to recognize and thank Jarrett for the incredible partner and dad that he is.  When we starting building a "we" all those years ago, I knew you would be the perfect compliment to me and I knew with your patience, integrity and compassion that you would be a wonderful dad.

What I didn't know was  all the million other ways you would show me how incredible you are as a father.  You are our leader, our protector, friend, mentor, and so much more.  You work so hard day in and day out to give us the best life and you selflessly do it over and over no matter how tired you are.

When we were kids (and I do mean kids because that's when we started dating), I knew I had found someone who connected right to my soul and when I dreamed of what I wanted my forever to look like, it was someone God created who I was fortunate to grow up with... you.

When our lives together began all those year's ago, did you ever dream we'd have a whole crew of children both here and above that are the legacy of our love.  Michael jokes with his friends that he has so many siblings because "Well my parents love each other."and as funny as he makes it sound... he's actually right.

These last many years have had lots of ups and down but I can't imagine sharing them with anyone but you.  You have pulled me along on the depths of sorrow and lifted me up on the highest of mountains... when I think of all that life is... I picture you always by my side.

Jarrett, we love you so much.  Thanks for being so wonderful to us.

Happy Father's Day!

Love,

US

Noah's Birthday...

As hard as Saturday was for me, I tried to keep my emotions in check (pretty much failed) but continued to walk ahead one step at a time to do things to honor him.  

I got up and went for a run... I ran a 5K to celebrate his 5th birthday.  I ran by myself and the entire run I thought about his birth, those first moments, the first trip to the NICU and how scary it all was.  In the middle of my run, Kristal, the nurse who was by my side through delivery texted me birthday wishes for Noah.  It was her strength that helped me try to stay calm as we knew the moments of his birth could be very serious if they weren't able to get him intubated.  I was thankful for her reaching out.

When I got back home the family was starting to wake up and I found it hard to keep myself from letting tears stream down my face.  At least when I was running it kind of looked like sweat.  Jarrett kept the kids as I had to run a few errands to finish up the gifts to take to the hospital.  I went and did that while he stayed with the kids.  Normally we would have done it as a family but with COVID-19 we are being extremely careful in what we do.  

I had made plans to take the gifts to the hospital and included in the gifts were signs the kids made for the NICU staff to thank them for their dedication to save the babies.  I thought the kids did a nice job on their signs.

When I drove to Banner Desert, I couldn't believe how different the place was.  It definitely took me back and was a clear reminder we are in very different times.  I was met by the security guard who gave me a cart to place everything on while maintaining a huge social distance.  It felt weird, scary almost, I pray someday we can get back to the times when visitors can go into the hospital freely to show care for loved ones.  It was just another reminder for me that we will do everything we can to avoid getting this virus.  

I delivered the gifts, left right away and came home, took everything off before showering and scrubbing any part of my exposed skin.  It felt good to take gifts but I also felt sad that we couldn't do some of the normal things we always have done each year to honor him.  A friend of mine, when I voiced this concern days before said, "perhaps you need to use this as a reminder that you should do what you would do if Noah was here." It was a great way of reminding me that if he was with us, we would have probably stayed home as a family and spent quality time together.  So that is what we did.

We went swimming as a family.. the kids really enjoyed it and it as one of the only times when we all got into the pool.  Afterwards Jennings, Belle and I sat on the swing and talked, while Jarrett and Madelyn held hands and talked about laying in the shaded sun (as Maddie said).  It was sweet.  The boys had wrestled enough in the pool and decided to go in to watch their show.  Which was okay.  I've learned that as much time as we spend together, it is good to give time apart as well.  

That evening we ordered pizza from our favorite pizza place which had been shut down since last November which finally reopened.  I reminded myself, that was probably something else we would have done if Noah was here and then we watched Brave as a family.  We then had rainbow sprinkle cookies to celebrate Noah's birthday, even Madelyn and I sang to him and we let Jennings try his first bite of cookie.  He liked it. 

  It was very low key and as the night approached, I could feel the weight of the grief taking over.  I felt sad I just couldn't bring myself to post anything on Facebook or Instagram like I normally do, Jarrett did instead.  I decided I was feeling grief like I had felt in those early days and the best way to handle it sometimes was to just try to sleep.  So that's what I did.  It was before 9 pm and I put myself to bed.  I didn't sleep the best but I knew the next day the pain and weight wouldn't feel so heavy.  After 5 years I kind of have learned how to manage the hard days... pray for the lighter days that sometimes follow.

So that's what we did.  This birthday was hard but we still found many good things during that day.  I am so thankful for those who still remembered him and reached out to us.  It means so much to me.

Until next time,

Angie

5th birthday...

Five years ago today you were born. It was a day I felt so happy that you had made it through delivery and were doing okay.  You were the baby I had dreamed about for many years and the one I wished so much I got to bring home. 

You gave me the first experience of knowing what it is like to feel life inside of me.  You showed me that dreams do come true.  I will always remember how amazed I was at how perfect you were... and your movements just like a full term baby, just much smaller. 

Noah, when you were inside of me, and we found out you were a boy I immediately dreamed of what it would be like to be your mom when you were 5 years old.  I smiled as I thought about dropping you off for Kindergarten or how you'd probably play with trucks and run them around the floor of my feet while I worked in the kitchen.  I wondered how you'd play with your big brothers... how they would teach you things I probably wouldn't want you to know yet but how we'd get through it and that someday those big brothers were going to be your best big buddies... how they'd take you around, let you be in their shadow.  You'd never have to worry about anyone bigger than you giving you trouble, because I"m sure Gabriel and Michael would protect you to the end.  Dreams... so many of them.  

And I guess maybe that's why I can't shake the feeling of sadness this day.  In past years I've always found your birthday to be a happy one, it reminded me of the fact that you lived.  Today I can't stop thinking about how badly I want you here.  How those dreams are just that dreams.  

I feel guilty thinking this and feeling sad when I have so many gifts around me.  Seriously I have 5 kids all around me as we watch Brave together.  How can I not feel joyful?  I guess I just miss you, maybe that's it.  

I suppose it's the fact that I kind of feel like the world around us is falling to pieces.  Between this virus and the hate and the divisiveness in our country, it is hard to not feel sad about where things are too.    

When we started Noah's Kindness Project in your honor, we did it to add more kindness to the world.  It seems today now five years later, that we are so extremely short on that.  Last year after we celebrated NKP I was told by people close to me that they chose not to participate in it because they didn't need to publicize the kindness they share.  That we do NKP for attention, for praise.... and honestly this comment has bothered me for the last many months.  It's part of the reason I can't bring myself to post about the date this year and to finalize any of the plans.  It really hurt me their comments because the last reason why we created this project was to gain attention or praise.  We did it to honor you, to give back to the world as we had been given so much too.  And so now I fear when I talk about you that people will think I do it for attention.  I don't do it for that reason.  I do it because I love you.  Because I miss you.  Because I don't want you to be forgotten.  And I think that's another reason why my heart hurts tonight... because I want to celebrate your birth, to shout from the hills... happy birthday in Heaven.  Instead I feel like I can't share you.  

Please know that today I tried to honor you and celebrate you, while being safe.  I ran a 5K to celebrate your 5th birthday. I safely took gifts to the NICU to celebrate the people who worked so hard to keep you and the other babies alive, we gave in your honor and we spent time as a family.  

Noah, I hope you had a wonderful birthday in Heaven.  I hope you had the best birthday party with our loved ones there with you.  I hope you could feel my love, all these miles away.

Happy birthday Noah.  

Love you always, 

Mom

PS: To those who reached out to us today, who shared the kind gifts and remembered this special day for our family.... THANK YOU.  I can't tell you how much it means to me, to us.  From the rainbow flowers the rainbow print fabrics, the gifts made in Noah's memory, to the amazing cookies, the loving text messages and the calls.  Thank you for remembering.  Thank you for still remembering him five years later.  Thank you for letting us talk about and keep his memory alive.  Thank you for loving us and loving him.  You are the rainbow in our cloud.  

This night 5 years ago...

This was the post...Angie has gone into labor as of Friday night late. Please say prayers for her to have a smooth delivery and recovery. Please pray for both her and Jarrett to remain strong and positive through this process. And please, please pray for Noah James to be healthy and strong. God bless their whole family.


So many emotions... you'd think 5 years later it would be so much easier.  Truth is... it isn't.  I wish I knew why..

June 11, 2015

Sigh.... no other words for tonight.  I miss him



Dear family and friends:

Yesterday, the third full day in the hospital, was a good day.  After hearing the great news that Angie remains free of any signs of infection and that the doctors ordered the continued administration of the medicine that keeps contractions at bay, the day was largely uneventful, apart from several nice visits. 

My parents and Angie’s mom and aunt brought the kids in the morning to visit.  We announced the name of our baby, Noah James.  It was something of an emotional conversation as Angie explained, in terms kids can understand, where things stand, where things could go, and the importance of praying for the health, safety, and well-being of Baby Noah.  Gabriel and Michael, being older, seemed to understand and were visibly concerned and affected.  Isabelle, for her part, certainly misses Mommy.  The only way we can keep her from crawling up into bed with Angie is to put on “Frozen” on the room’s TV.  She doesn’t like to see Mommy with the IVs and monitoring equipment all around her, saying “Mommy, no band-band” (bandages) to indicate her wish that Angie be free of such things.  We again try to distract her as she is carried out of the room.  This is the family picture we took while the kids were here:

Thankfully, the kids are staying quite busy this week.  The boys have Kyrene Summer Academy in the morning and VBS and swim team in the evening.  Isabelle has swimming lessons (she’s in the “shrimp” class and is happy to be there – a very enthusiastic swimmer indeed!) just before VBS.  They spend the rest of the day with our family members, who have been keeping our household going – and giving the dog some attention – in our absence.  Some dear friends have also devised some system for sending meals to our house.  Our friends and family have showered us with offers to watch the kids, shuttle them around, bring meals to the house, bring food and items to the room, and so many other things.  I cannot omit to remark, for it is so often on our minds, how very blessed we are to have so much love, support, and kindness around us! 

Finally, here is a short video Angie made this morning from the room:

Angie had an ultrasound and a blood test just a few minutes ago.  We will attempt to provide an update later today. 

Jarrett and Angie

Part 2:

Dear family and friends:

The fourth full day in the hospital is coming to a close.  We are thankful to be at this point.  When we got here, we were under the impression that delivery would be imminent.  We had no idea that a baby could continue to stay in utero after the premature rupture of the membrane, and she was experiencing contractions only a couple of minutes apart at that point.

Angie had some blood work and an ultrasound performed today.  She had previously had a white blood cell count of 24,000, which was in part a reflection of the steroid shots administered one and two days earlier.  (A "normal" range is approximately 4,000 up to 10,000 cells per microliter.)  The white blood cell count may indicate the presence of infection, which is what we hope to avoid.  Thankfully, her white blood cell count dropped to 13,000 in the last couple of days, so it is trending in the right direction.  Apart from having too little iron (she takes a supplement with her prenatal vitamins), her blood work looked good.  The doctor ordered an ultrasound to look at how the baby was doing.  The ultrasound, which didn't take long on account of its limited scope, showed Noah's somewhat cramped circumstances (he is positioned pretty low), but also showed his beating heart, his lungs functioning as he breathed, and the presence of some amniotic fluid in his stomach (meaning that he is still receiving and drinking at least some).  He also wiggled and moved a bit during the short time his picture was being taken.

Angie remains free of signs of infection, and continues tolerating the magnesium sulfate well.  Visits from friends and family are greatly appreciated, particularly when Angie is feeling up for them.  It is great catching up and finding out what is happening in the great wide world.  It also really does help pass the time and has the added benefit of keeping our minds off other matters.  With the gifts we have received from hospital visitors in recent days, we have quite an assortment of food (snacks, fruit, candy, you name it), reading materials, playing cards, personal care items, and so much more.

Our family, recently initiated into our hectic world full of children's activities (they walked into the single busiest week of our summer activity-wise), has completely picked up the slack at home.  It helps that there are now, since Monday night, more of them so that they may split up tasks/shuttling the kids around and have some time to visit us here.  The boys are also being helpful at home.  When my parents arrived at the hospital today, I went home to shower and get some fresh clothes.  When I got there, Gabriel was actually putting Isabelle down to nap.  As I walked in, he was tucking her into bed, putting her favorite blankets on her, and he motioned for me to be quiet so as to not disturb her.  I heard him say "Now get some rest, Isabelle, and you can go swimming later," as he backed out of the room.  Wow.

One final note for tonight: as I type this, we just finished listening to Baby Noah's heartbeat on the monitor.  His heartbeat was strong and exhibited the variability that they wished to see.  We also heard him moving about.  It was wonderful.

We appreciate your continued support and prayers.

Jarrett and Angie

June 10, 2015.... we were encouraged.

I find myself this week feeling so many emotions and last night after staying up late working on school work, I sat in the quiet how by myself and reflected on what life has been like the last five years.  I thought about posting and writing in the blog but honestly... the last few nights after I do it, I can't turn my mind off and spend many hours tossing and turning trying to solve the question that I won't get the answer to in this lifetime... "Why did he have to die?"

So I decided I would not post, and I would just try to go to bed, which really didn't work out as it was a very restless night of sleep.  Going to bed at 1:30 and waking up at 6 to a smiley-faced girl in your face, makes for one tired mom but we made it through another day.

I think I've been feeling bad that this Saturday's birthday for Noah can't be as big as I would have hoped.  I wanted to be able to celebrate by taking many gifts to the hospital and by sharing something big in his honor.  Instead we will follow all COVID-19 rules and have food delivered in a safe way to the staff at the NICU and we will donate to the Kyrene Resource center so they can help some incoming kindergartners with some support they might need.  Not big, but it will be okay.  We will celebrate him all day, at home, while we keep our family safe.

I remember this day back 5 years ago and we took a family picture .

 My biggest prayer was that on a day like today I could sit Noah on my lap and read him the story of this family picture below.  I'd tease him how he gave us so many gray hairs back then because we were so worried about him and remind him of how strong he is to be here today.

As hopeful and as encouraged as we were.... here's a quick flashback.

June 10,2015
Dear family and friends:

It is our third day in the hospital.  Angie is feeling much, much better now that they reduced the amount of magnesium sulfate she is receiving.  The higher dosage made it difficult for her to engage in conversations, stand, chew, and even breath.  The medicine relaxes all smooth muscles, not just the uterus.  She seems much more like her usual self.  She also got some better rest last night.  For anyone who may have visited in the last day or two, you will find her much more able to chat and carry on a conversation if you happen to come by again.

As I mentioned yesterday, the doctors had planned to stop giving Angie the magnesium sulfate at 1:30 pm today and to wait and see what happened.  Last night, we spoke with Angie's OB, among others.  It was a difficult, emotionally draining conversation involving a bunch of "what if"s and various contingencies.  As a result of that conversation, we learned today that the doctors will keep Angie on the magnesium sulfate (at the current dosage) for a few more days -- at least until the point we reach week 24.  We are very happy to hear the news.  To know that she will receive the medicine for a few more days really eases our minds.  The baby continues to remain strong.  He seems to be doing some flips and to be very active in the last couple of hours.

And now for some big news.  We decided upon a name for our baby boy.  We decided to call him Noah James.  When Angie suggested it, it really seemed to sound like a very nice name to me -- it has a good ring to it.  Angie's name apps tell us "Noah" means comfort, rest, and follower of God, and "James" means honest, benevolent, brilliant, and full of high inspiration.  James was also my great-grandfather's name.

Thank you to all of you who have visited, called, sent emails, texts, plants, candy, and reading supplies, prepared meals for our kids, brought in dinner, prayed for us, asked others to pray for us, and provided help and support in so many other ways.  We are very moved by your love and support.  Please continue to remember us in your prayers.  We really do believe in the power of prayer.

Jarrett and Angie

June 9, 2015....

Tonight, we sit at home for what seems about 10 months as we try to stay healthy and avoid a bad situation.  We don't know what tomorrow will bring, next week will bring or even the coming months.  In some ways that is our reality of every day of our life, but in "normal times" before this I do feel like we did have some control over what our future days, weeks and months would look.  Now I feel like I can't even make a decision about letting my child go to his confirmation class tomorrow night because I'm not sure what tomorrow's numbers will look like in regard to our increased COVID-19 cases.  In thinking back to this night 5 years ago, I find such a strange similarity.  Nothing was certain during that time either.  We were just living life by the hour, praying for more time to pass and begging God to hear and answer our prayers.

Of all the days I spent in antepartum, this was the day I remember looking over at Jarrett at one point and telling him it was hard to breathe.  The magnesium had been on constant drip for days and had definitely taken its toll on my body.  I couldn't stand up to get to the bathroom, I couldn't lift my arms or legs were well and it finally had gotten to the point where I didn't even feel like I could breathe... it just felt like too much work. 

I remember going to "bed" that night and being worried for I knew they were scheduled to turn off the magnesium the next day and I was worried I would go into labor the next day and it would be too soon to save Noah.  I was so worried and I prayed constantly that night.  When I went back through my phone I have one video I recorded in the middle of the night where I spoke to Noah and God and begged him to save our son.  I still find it hard to listen to my pleas for help.   I had such great hope that my prayers would be answered and my faith so strong but fear still controlled me and I worried what would happen.  I would not sleep much that night, but I would wake the next morning and call for our family to bring the kids to the hospital for I wanted a family picture with all of us for I feared it might be our only one we got... and his name we would share... we had decided that night.

Until tomorrow...
Angie


Dear family and friends:

Angie is resting peacefully at the moment.  Today, she received the second and final round of steroid shots and continued receiving magnesium sulfate (the medicine that both reduces contractions and protects the baby's brain) and prophylactic antibiotics, among other things.  She began feeling quite weak -- really wiped out, in fact -- over the course of the day and experienced difficulty breathing, sitting up, or standing for even a second, so they reduced the magnesium sulfate drip by a third.  She seems to be feeling a lot better as a result, and the contractions seem to remain under control.  There are no signs of infection, either.  The baby's heartbeat remains strong.  Last night at about the same time, he seemed to be very active; the nurses said he was really having quite the "play time in there."  He seems to be active again right now.  I guess the evening is fun time for him.

Tomorrow at 1:30 pm, the steroid shots will be fully effective in promoting lung development, and they will take Angie off the magnesium sulfate.  Then, we will continue waiting and hoping to push off the delivery as long as we can.  The latency period (the period of time between the rupture of the membrane and delivery) in such cases varies dramatically.  For some, it is a matter of hours or days.  For others, it can be as much as 10 weeks.  The mean is two weeks.  As I mentioned, every day that passes is beneficial.  The survival rate in the 23rd week of pregnancy increases by about 1.5 to 2% every day that passes over the course of that week.  He is a little larger than his peers at this point (707 g as of a day and a half ago) and otherwise healthy, both of which also help.

We are taking it hour by hour, day by day.  We appreciate your prayers and continued support, including all of the offers to watch the kids, bring over dinner, and help in any way possible.  We can truly feel the love.

Jarrett and Angie

June 8 2015

Five years ago tonight I laid in the hospital bed and connected to magnesium drip and prayed.  While most of the day is fuzzy to me, I do remember having a couple of visitors (I think) and I remember calling my mom asking her if she'd fly out to Arizona to help us.  My aunt Marjory was already planning to come help us, even before my water broke.  After my water broke I asked my mom to come with her.  Jarrett's parents and my aunt and uncle had been helping with the kids, along with our dear friends.  At least that's what I remember people telling me afterwards.

As I went through my phone of pictures from this night 5 years ago, this is the only picture from that day.  It was taken at 2:53 am I think it was the last picture I had taken before I was moved to antepartum.  The line shows the contractions I was having.  

The rest of the day... blank.... pretty much a day lost in my mind.

Here 5 years later, I find myself in such a different place.... I couldn't stop my mind today.  I woke up and went for a run first thing... it has been helping me process my thoughts and I know it is good for my mental health.  Today as I woke up and felt sad I wondered if I was going to feel that way all day and then I got started.  The music played in my ears and Noah's song came on.... "Stand up and dance with me."  For some reason, maybe it was Noah in my mind but I pictured him in Heaven and him saying to me, "Mom, I'm okay.  Don't be sad.  Look at what you have here... enjoy my siblings, cherish them now.  Don't feel sad, I am okay."  Almost if I had been talking directly with him.

And then I thought back to the first day Jarrett and I met Gabriel and Michael and how magical that day was.  How seeing them was so incredible, how Gabe grabbed my hand and walked me around proudly announcing that I was his new mom.  He surely wouldn't do that today but it made me stop and realize I have five incredible gifts right in front of me... as much as I miss Noah, wish he was here, I do know in my heart he is okay, and I would hate to say I missed moments today with my kids here because I was too caught up in grief of reliving the pain of years past.  So I finished my run and promised myself I would do what I could today to cherish moments with them and to remember the gifts here.

And I did.  I spent time talking or playing with each of the kids, telling them again how much they mean to me.  And as much as I tried to push down the feelings in my heart, I kept feeling the weight of the sadness seep up.  Before 11 I walked to Jarrett who was filling up his coffee cup, I tried to hold back the tears but I couldn't and I just said... "I feel so sad."  

I can't explain it.  My heart and mind just keep going back to these days, these moments and I can't stop wondering what life would be like if he was here or if I could just hold him one more time. Jarrett knew, I didn't have to say more.  He comforted me as he always has.  I told him that I was going to get to talk with a mom who heard about our story and asked to talk.  

She herself just had to say goodbye to her baby just a few short days ago. Her baby, also a miracle, a fighter who was born at 22 weeks and 6 days and fought for more than 6 weeks.  As heartbreaking as it is to hear of other families who become a member of the group no one ever wants to join, I feel honored that someone would want to talk with me to see how we made it through.  I never feel like I say the right things or have any real advice to share, but my heart connects immediately with these mothers I've not met in person but feel like I have.  This afternoon we had a chance to talk, and while I told myself not to cry, I lost it only a few minutes after saying hello.  

I think grief while different for each person, has similarities and baggage that sucks one down... guilt, sadness, questions of why and what if, and will I ever feel true joy again.  For me it has been a journey and looking back five years I see how my doubts those first days of ever being truly happy again were wrong. Life is good, life is joyous.  Will I ever forget or ever not miss him... no.  I guess that's the price of loving.

I'm trying to give myself grace as I feel these emotions... I'm doing the best I can.  These times of COVID-19 which seem to be getting worse in ours state, the time that we've been home with each other is not easy, working from home requires a balance and a lot of patience, and school... it is a lot.  I tell myself to just be okay with however things are this week.  

Tomorrow is a new day... a day to look for the good things, to be okay with however I feel and to just do the best I can.  That's what I was doing 5 years ago tonight and I guess that's how I am today.  As much as life has changed, some strategies don't need to be different.

Until next time,

Angie

June 7, 2015

Since I was admitted to the hospital on that early morning back in June of 2015, I have not deleted a single photo from the time of our days with Noah.  I can't... there are blurry pictures, bad pictures, pictures with terrible lighting, even pictures with my finger over the camera and yet I keep them.

So when I went back to my phone's pictures from June 7, 2015 I find nothing.... I think it was because the day was pretty low key, I spent most of it resting in bed.  Little did I know that night when I went to bed I would be racing to the hospital trying to stop Noah from coming.  It was technically Sunday night/Monday morning and the whole thing in some ways seems just like yesterday.

I remember throwing on clothes and going out to sit in the van while I waited for Jarrett to come out.  I was begging him to hurry in my mind.  Thank God Jarrett's mom and dad had stayed so we could leave right way.  On the way to the hospital I was trying to breathe through the contractions and I texted my parents something about... My water broke, in labor, please pray.  I then called my mom and dad and I can't remember if I was crying to screaming in pain, I just remember being so scared.

We got to the hospital and I shared what I remember on yesterday's post.

You know what's funny about grief is that some people probably look at me and think... how can she still be so sad and so caught up in his loss? What does she have to complain about?  Honestly, you're right, I probably don't have much to complain about and I am ever so thankful for the family I have here.  Trust me.

That being said, it does not make me miss Noah any less.  It does not make me think about his less or wonder what life would be like if he was here. Who would he look like?  What would his personality be?  Would he be excited about starting Kindergarten, would he be shy or outgoing?  I wonder it all. 

Honestly, these last few days have been really hard for me.  I feel anxious, I feel sad, I feel on edge.  Maybe it's what's happening around us?  I know it is grief and I'm trying to keep it in check.  I am honest with the kids about my anxiety, Isabelle tells me to breathe through it (funny how she's giving me meditation tips) and to cover my ears.  Madelyn just hugs me and tells me she loves me. And the boys they don't say much.  It makes me wonder if they remember all of the sadness we lived through and have their own emotions.  I'll have to ask them. 

I think that's the thing about grief... it could be 1 day, 5 years, 10 years of a lifetime and it never really goes away.  It's hard to stop feeling sad or missing someone you love, I don't think I ever will.  We just learn to live through it. 

Until tomorrow,
Angie

5 years ago tonight...

This week starts the 5 year mark since our journey with having Noah early and fighting for each day in this hospital started.  It is a time in my life I have lived over and over and over in the past five years in my head.  A time period I strive to find answers for, wishes I could do things differently and worries that maybe I did something wrong to cause it all.  I've thought about this 5 year mark and how I should do something big to honor him, to mark the milestone.  Honestly in the middle of a pandemic and a social justice reform, I'm not sure this is the time to go out and do something big.  So I'm going to go back to the place where I've always poured out my feelings, processed my emotions and recorded the thoughts in my mind... here.  This blog.  I want to go back each day this week and the coming weeks and post the messages we've shared here before and I hope to record how I feel now, 5 years later... how I've changed, how life has moved on, how I believe Noah is still with us and how well we live now.  So here's the start of the night that started it all.... June 6, 2015.

Five years ago tonight was one of the scariest nights of my life.  It had already been a stressful weekend as I had visited the ER just a day earlier and was sent home with medication and told to rest.

My fist visit to the Labor and Delivery unit that weekend.  Noah looked good on the monitor and they confirmed he was okay, so I was smiling.  Jarrett and I even joked how cold it was in there that night. 

  I had been having contractions and they thought I had a UTI, so I went home and took that day easy, pretty much laid in bed and played with Isabelle. 

Look at how little she was, and see that other arm behind her, the boys laid in bed with me that next day too.  I had resided myself that I would lay in the bed for as long as I had to because I was having contractions and needed to rest more... little did I know just a few hours later I would wake up to the feeling of a contraction and the sound of a pop as the water started leaking out of me. 

Thank God Jarrett's mom and dad had stayed with us that night, maybe they knew something was wrong, maybe it was God's way of helping us... either way, when I screamed for Jarrett to wake up and take me to the hospital I had never been more frightened.

When we got to the hospital I remember just pushing the emergency button to get the doors to open, I was having regular contractions and water was still leaking down my legs.  I didn't even realize I was supposed to have gone to the registration desk... they were calm, and took me to a room, they told me I didn't even look pregnant (which made me feel sad) and they said, maybe your water didn't break... I knew it had.  While I had never been pregnant, I knew what I had felt was most definitely that. They took a swab of the fluid and said they would let me know if it was amniotic fluid.  I didn't need for them to wait for the test I knew.  They hooked me up to the monitor and could see I was having regular contractions.  They were very painful.  Soon a doctor came in, confirmed that it was my water that had broke and he told me that unfortunately I would probably be moved to labor and delivery (from triage) and I would have to deliver our baby but that because I was only 23 weeks to the day, they wouldn't do anything to intervene to save him.  I still can't put into words the pain and hurt I felt... I actually still feel it.  I couldn't believe it and I sobbed.  Jarrett asked if there was anything they could do.  They explained that if the contractions didn't stop there was nothing... he would be born and pass away in my arms.  I have to stop there... it's too painful to share more about those feelings.

To what I attribute as God's ultimate plan, a few minutes after being told I was going to be moved to a delivery room, another person (I can't remember if it was a doctor or a nurse) came in and said actually we just had someone start to deliver in the driveway so she got moved to the delivery room infront of you.  We are instead going to give you an injection of terbutaline to see if that will stop your contrations... if this works, there is a chance we can try to keep you from delivering.  Again, I don't remember who it was, maybe an angel, but that was the start of things changing and I begged them to do everything to save our baby and keep him inside.  The medicine was injected in my arm and they told me to wait for the hot flush feeling, I wanted to feel it, it was the feeling of hope entering my body.  Thankfully the medicine worked... they were able to slow the contractions to the point the doctor made the decision to give us a chance and I got to be moved to the antepartum unit (a unit I had no idea prior to June 6, 2015 ever existed).  I was hooked up to magnesium to keep me from going into labor and thus our time in antepartum was about to begin...

And this is where Jarrett's first update started...

Dear family and friends,
As some of you may know, Angie is now in the hospital.  She asked me to guest-write some updates so that everyone would know where things stand.

Angie and I went into the ER at about 1 am on Saturday, June 6.  We were concerned about a possible leak of amniotic fluid.  The test revealed that it was not amniotic fluid, but she did have an infection.  They sent her home with a couple of prescriptions, including antibiotics.  She continued to experience a lot of cramping and other symptoms over the rest of the weekend, and had intended to go to her doctor first thing on Monday.  At 12:40 am on Monday morning, Angie's water broke, and we rushed to the hospital, where it was confirmed.  This is the 23rd week of pregnancy.

Angie was hospitalized.  While there is almost no amniotic fluid at this point, the cervix remains in good shape, and the baby remains in utero.  A baby may remain in utero for days or weeks following the rupture of the membrane.  Infection is the greatest concern after the rupture, so Angie is on antibiotics as a prophylactic measure.  She will remain in the hospital until delivery, whenever that might be.

Every day that passes is important for the baby in terms of development and ultimately mortality and morbidity.  Angie received a steroid shot yesterday and will receive another one tomorrow.  The shot helps with the baby's lung development.  She is also on magnesium sulfate, which serves to both diminish contractions and to protect the baby's brain.  The baby has a strong heartbeat, and he is a little larger than most babies at the same stage.  Angie is feeling the effects of the medicine, but she is hanging in there.

We appreciate all of your prayers and support.  The show of love and support has been a huge help, and we truly feel blessed by having so many great friends and a supportive, loving family.  We understand that things are out of our control, but we believe in the power of prayer and ask that you please continue to remember us in your prayers.

Thank you all.  We will try to provide further updates from time to time.

Jarrett and Angie