This the time of year when resolutions are made and change is warmly welcomed.
And while it is my intention to actually get my resolutions for 2013 down on paper (something I unfortunately never got around to in 2012), I know that 2013 will already bring change. Let me preface this post by stating change is hard. Maybe I should be more specific, change is hard… for me. See in my mind, when I hear the word change relative to my life, that word could immediately be exchanged with it is worry. I’m a worrier, I’ve always been. I stress about important stuff, about stuff that may happen, stuff that may not happen and I most definitely stress about unimportant stuff. And as much as I try to control my stress and focus on the things that are actually important for me to stress about, in the end I stress about stressing. Silly. I know. Just think about my poor husband who has to listen to me.
And while it is my intention to actually get my resolutions for 2013 down on paper (something I unfortunately never got around to in 2012), I know that 2013 will already bring change. Let me preface this post by stating change is hard. Maybe I should be more specific, change is hard… for me. See in my mind, when I hear the word change relative to my life, that word could immediately be exchanged with it is worry. I’m a worrier, I’ve always been. I stress about important stuff, about stuff that may happen, stuff that may not happen and I most definitely stress about unimportant stuff. And as much as I try to control my stress and focus on the things that are actually important for me to stress about, in the end I stress about stressing. Silly. I know. Just think about my poor husband who has to listen to me.
And so back to the changes in the new year, I must backtrack to earlier this summer. In July I returned to working full time at the university determined to be one of those amazing mom’s that can do it all. I told myself over and over, I can do this. Millions of mom’s out there do. I can work full time, care for my family full time, provide a peaceful, non-stressful environment for my children and produce the same quality of work at work, I did, before children. I can have a life where my children LOVE spending 50 hours a week at day care, a life where they get a thrill out of racing from one thing to the next and always arriving “fashionably late” is fun. A life where I love every minute of my professional life, only to leave the stresses of work at work and come home refreshed and ready to give 100% to my other life. A life where my children do not feel overwhelming stress or the pressures of keeping up a life where we are trying to do it all. And for 6 months I told myself, I can do it. I can do this.
The truth is, I can’t. I admit it. I wholly admire, support and give credit to the millions of super mom’s out there who do it. I’ve seen them in action, I’m friends with them; they are amazing. I tip my hat and extend the biggest compliment. In the past six months, I’ve come to the realization that I’m not that mom. For me, actually for us (as Jarrett was just as involved in this decision as I was), we’ve decided we need to welcome 2013 with some changes. And that change is that I am going to reduce my work commitments so we have more time to focus on our top priority, our family.
See the race (or as some call it the rat race or stress) just became too much. The minute the alarm would sound in the morning, it was a race, a race to get up, get ready, get off to school on time, so that I could race to get to work and hope the traffic lights would be kind and I wouldn’t be too late. Then it was a race during the day not only for mom and dad at work, but also the kids at school. See before dropping them off I would drill into them the same expectations day after day…. Be on your best behavior, listen to your teacher, do not do this… do not do that… I expect you do to have a green day every day. And while I held them to this high expectation of being perfect every day, I myself, struggled most days to have a yellow. For anyone wondering what in the world I’m talking about, at the boy’s school they have a behavior system that is similar to a traffic light… green is good, yellow means proceed with caution (you’ve had one warning for doing something wrong) and red… red means it has been a bad day, you’ve ran a red light and have been pulled over by a police officer who is giving you a firm talking to and a ticket. And all that was even before the rat race at home had gotten started. At the moment I could race out of work, I’d fight through traffic and whip into the school lot, often times running into grab them because were late for some other commitment. Then we’d race home, I’d throw together some concoction of food that may or may not taste good (let alone be healthy) and then the race to complete homework would begin. With less time than desired to finish, and bed time being pushed back again, we’d race the boys to see how quickly they could get ready and into bed (for too many late bedtimes in a week, would undoubtedly results in a yellow day for at least one boy). So as exhausted I am in just writing that summary, the reality of the actual exhaustion has been apparent on all of our faces. And looking at our children, looking at each other, and staring at ourselves in the mirror, we knew… a change had to be coming.
With this change will come a lot of sacrifice. A lot of sacrifice and a lot of smaller changes that will affect everyone in our family (even the dog). This change means that dad will spend more time at work, that we will probably have to work until we are 80 or 85 (with this fiscal cliff and the national debt, we’ll probably have to work until then anyway), and that exotic vacations and Starbucks splurges are gone by the wayside. And even though it pains me to think about giving up my prime parking space at work in exchange for a 20 minute walk from the reduced fee lot, and the kids are disappointed they will not longer have Disney XD On Demand, I tell myself this is the right choice. Jarrett reassures me, it is the right choice. Deep in my heart I know it is.
And as confident as I am about our decision, it is still scary. Can we really make ends meet if I leave my current position? Should we really make those financial sacrifices in lieu of less stress and more time together? It has been a constant game of weighing the pros and cons. And as we weighed the options in front of us, I can honestly tell you, the scale was very closely balanced.
In the end it came down to these final thoughts that made the scale tip in one direction.
· Jarrett and I knew from day one we wanted to be parents, that we wanted children. When we learned we could not have biological children, we worried, we may never get to experience one of life’s greatest blessings. After waiting several years and going though many many emotional tolls, our wish came true, not once, not twice but three times. We’ve been truly blessed.
· Tomorrow is never a guarantee and as cliché as that sounds, it really is the truth. And while many people realize this as they age, we were taught this lesson at the age of 27. When Jarrett was diagnosed, our life stopped. Just in the prime of our life, when we thought we had the world by the tail on a downward pull (as my grandpa likes to say), life smacked us in the face and taught us the importance of cherishing the gifts of today.
· Work and jobs will always be there. Our children and how much they need us now, will change. And as they get older, friends will become more fun to spend time with, the list of things they want and need will become bigger. But right now if you’d ask them who they’d like most to play catch with is, what they’d like to do on a free afternoon or who is their best friend… they’d still respond with our names, yes mom and dad and ask if we can just go to the grass and play ball. Like sand falling through an hour glass, this time is so precious and so quickly growing smaller and smaller.
· When I’m 60 and my children look back on their childhood, how to I want them to remember it? Do I want them to remember that is was a constant race from the moment they awoke to the moment they raced into bed? Do I want them to remember how stressed, how over tired, and how grumpy their mom and dad were because they was so overwhelmed with trying to do it all? As we asked ourselves these questions, Jarrett and I looked at each other and knew our decision had been made.
And so as 2013 begins, I begin my year with change, with worry because that’s just how I am. But I can tell you that as I begin to take baby steps towards this new journey, this new path, I’m very excited. I’m excited to have family meals that are something other than a Tombstone pizza or Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. I’m excited for family movie night, where we plan to watch a DVD from the library and have popcorn at home. I look forward to the Sunday afternoon’s at the park, where we are playing together all of us, rather than scrambling to get the laundry done, or the bathrooms cleaned before Monday morning work. I look forward to getting to volunteer in my son’s classroom and to taking Isabelle on girl only walks. And I look forward to supporting my husband in alleviating at much stress at home as I can for him.
Although I’m nervous about how we will make every end meet (no matter how many times Jarrett assures me, we’ll be just fine), I find excitement in living a more simple life. A life where I don’t have to catch the next great sale at The Gap, or Michael's, or my next favorite store. See there really won’t be an option to do that, and so I won’t have to take up time thinking about it. And if I’m really divulging my inner secrets, I’m actually excited about the challenge of spending as little money as I can. TLC’s Extreme Couponing show… watch out here I come (okay maybe not that far).
So as we say good bye to the wonderful year that 2012 was, I begin 2013 with a single resolution to share. My biggest resolution for 2013 is this…I resolve to live a simpler life, a life that is fulfilled through memories with our children, with my spouse and with personal goals for myself. I strive to live simply, to cherish and enjoy the wonderful gifts God has given me and I want cherish the free, the simple and the most rewarding aspects of life, my family.
Until next time,
Angie
