four...

Last night, Jarrett and I, along with two other families forever connected, sat in the front of a group of couples longing to be in our places.  I could see it in the eyes of the women in the crowd. Some wiped tears away as I talked about the raw heart ache I felt with each and every passing day.  As I unrolled our story in front of them, many expressed emotions alongside me as I  relayed how our story came to be.  When I shared the overwhelming feeling of happiness and love when our dreams became a reality, the strangers faces in the crowd lit up with smiles of gladness but also with hope.  Hope that they live with now.  Hope that keeps them going.  Hope that they may be next.  IT was a great reminder.

Four years ago today our lives changed.  Four years and one ago day my life story was defined by what I was missing.  What I did not have.  My thoughts, my deepest internal struggles, my entire world revolved around becoming a mom.  And yet, everything around me reminded me I was not.  On April 28 four years ago Jarrett and I found out we were being considered for two young boys.  A red file they call it.  Basically a meeting with the selected “powers that be” who meet around a table and discuss who can best parent  children in need of a forever home.  We had been through it before, and they had all ended with the same disappointment.  In fact, we had stopped sharing the news with our loved ones that we were even being considered, it was just too hard. And our last disappointing red file staffing had been less than two weeks prior.  This time though things felt different.

I sent an email to our families asking for them to pray for us. 

Hi guys,

I wanted to tell you that Jarrett and I have been invited to participate in another red file (possible adoption).  This time around it is for 2 little boys (3 and a 4 year old).  The Red File staffing is tomorrow and there are 4 other families being considered as well.

We’ll keep you posted but just wanted to ask that if you have time tonight to say a prayer.  We know that God will determine what is best for these boys but prayers can’t hurt right?

Love,

Angie and Jarrett

Our family responded with the same loving encouragement they had given us since day one.  Prayers, support and hope. That evening before the staffing I remember walking our dog Jack and as we turned the corner to start heading toward home, I remember looking up in the clouds and thinking, I wonder if this will be it? Unlike every other time I had looked up into the clouds and felt despair, that night I felt hope.  True hope that maybe, just maybe, this time was it. 

And with the hope that this time felt differently, also came a sense of peace.  I remember sleeping very well that night, another difference than the nights before previous red files.  From the minute my eyes opened then the next day, I couldn't stop thinking about it.  Every minute ticked by like it was an hour.  We knew an approximate time that the meeting was going to occur. It was suppose to happen right after lunch, so we expected to hear something around 2:30 in the afternoon.  Another change than previous red files was that our case worker was going to call Jarrett with the news.  In the past, I had always been the one she called and it had become too hard for me to listen to yet another announcement that we are a great family but that another one just fit better.  I couldn't handle it any more and so Jarrett agreed he would receive the news and call me.  I could let my raw emotions and the spontaneous flood of tears happen and he would know what best to say, how to provide comfort in the most uncomfortable time.  

With each passing minute my hope turned to anxiousness, then excitement, and back to hope.  I replayed every possible scenario in my mind.  My stomach twisted and turned with nerves working against one another.   I was at work and had a meeting with the LSP (Leadership Scholarship Program) scholar I had been mentoring all year.  While I tried to focus on the meeting and the exciting things they were sharing, sadly I pretended to listen while my mind was 30 miles away in a meeting I so desperately wanted to be in.  And then my phone vibrated.  I turned it over to see that the caller ID read Jarrett.  I knew he knew what the outcome was.  I slipped out the door from the meeting and into the hallway to talk.  I hit answer on the phone and put it up to me ear.  

"Hi Momma" he said.  "What?" I responded, knowing full well what he said, but not able to comprehend what it meant.  He repeated himself and then followed it up by saying, "We were picked.  They picked us!"  And like I had predicted and prepared myself for, the uncontrollable tears started.  My mind raced, my heart doubled in size and my body shook with happiness.  It had happened.  We were going to be parents.  Our dream was no longer a reality and our boys had a forever family to love and care for them.  I couldn't wait to see Jarrett, to embrace him and to go together hand in hand to meet our children, our sons.  

As I sat last night in the straight-backed office chair looking out at the faces of those longing to be in our shoes, I was quickly taken back to our days of waiting.  Of longing so much to be a mom and wanting nothing more than to give love to a child I could call my own.  I felt every emotion humanly possible throughout our adoption journey and I remember the feelings of doubt and heartache being oh so painful.  And that is why we go back.  That is why, when our agency calls us and asks us to sit on a panel with other adoptive and foster families and share our story, we do everything possible to be there.  The journey of adoption is not easy. The heartache, the grieving, the worrying and the hopelessness one feels can be and is overwhelming.  But now looking back four years to the day, I can honestly say, all of that pain was worth it.  And if I can, through our story, give another couple a tiny bit of hope that they too can have the abundance love, the happiness and the joy that comes from being a parent, than that is what I want to do.

Four years ago today, my dream, my greatest hope of all hopes, became my reality.  I cannot thank God enough for bringing Gabriel and Michael into our lives.  What a wonderful journey it has been.

Until next time,

angie

  

Biking...

A few weeks ago we participated in a community bike ride with some wonderful friends.  When I say we, I don't me just Jarrett and I.  I mean the whole family.  Gabriel, Michael, Isabelle, Dad and myself.  It was a test to see true test to see if we could endure it, a family bike ride that is. 

For anyone who knows our family and our wonderful daughter knows that she never sits still.  To have her in harnessed in a pull-behind wagon for more than 10 miles was going to be a real test.  A test of how long we can get her to sit still or a test to see how long we could stand her screaming at us to "GET OUT!"  

While I was a bit nervous to say the least, it ended up turning out better than I expected.  The boys were able to do the entire ride, even though Gabriel treated the first half like a race and was complaining about being "really tired" at the furthest distance from the car.  He ended up pulling through and we all made it back.  To be honest, Isabelle wasn't a very happy camper the last half of the riding crying and screaming pretty much non-stop, but with 1/4 mile left into the ride she fell asleep.  I later learned, as I pulled her out of the cart, that the reason why she was so mad was because she had dumped her entire water bottle all over her and was soaked with ice water.  I guess that would make me want to cry too.  Oops, chalk that up for bad mommy moment #4692.  

What was really fun was that we were able to participate in a family exercise activity all together and the cherry on top was getting to do it with our friends.  It was a lot of fun.  And so much fun, that the entire afternoon and evening following the bike ride, the boys couldn't stop talking (and thanking us) about it. "Mom, can we do that again next weekend?" Michael asked.   "Thanks so much for letting us go!"  Gabriel exclaimed.

While we hope next year will be more fun for Isabelle, the rest of us were all on board and look forward to starting a new family activity we can enjoy together.  

Here are a few photos to recap our ride... while I didn't get any pictures of any actual biking, I did capture a few of the same three kiddos hanging out in the car waiting to start! And yes, Isabelle's helmet was a bit heavy for her to hold up.  

Until next time,
Angie

A Leader in Me School... Awards Assembly!

One of the reasons why we chose the school where the boys attend is because they were the recently awarded a grant from the Stephen Covey foundation.  His foundation created a program called the "Leader In ME" and the boys' school was one of only a few schools in the entire state to receive this honor.  The program focuses on increasing teacher effectiveness, student engagement, and academic achievement, all while preparing students to be leaders in the 21st century.  (Don't tell, I may have copied that verbatim from the foundation's website).

The do this by focusing on the seven habits from Stephen Covey's famous book.  The 7 habits are reworded to be more kid-friendly and the philosophy is communicated in a way that is understandable to every child from the pre-school program through 5th grade.

Personally I'm a huge fan of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and was very excited about this program being implemented in the school.  I think leadership skills are so critical for our future and so why not start now educating them now on what it means to adopt these behaviors.

At the beginning of the year, I wondered how the kids would accept some of the habits.  I mean come on, have you ever heard of a six-year old say the word, "Synergyze"?  I hadn't.  To say I've been more than impressed would be an understatement.  The kids, my kids and others that I know who attend the school, love it.  They have soaked up the message of the 7 habits, they use the terms in their everyday speech and they are demonstrating  leadership behaviors in many aspects of their life.  In a way it has been a mental paradigm shift, a positive one at that.

In a way to recognize the kids for their achievements, each month the school holds an awards ceremony recognizing certain children for one of their greatest skills.  A couple of months ago, Gabriel was recognized for his "zest" in learning.  His teacher complimented him on his excitement to learn new things (especially anything sports related) and for his zest in creating a supportive learning environment for his classmates and friends.

And just this week Michael was recognized for his sense of humor.  Michael's teacher expressed how although it is his first year at the school, no one would know it because he's connected to his friends like he's known them for ages.  His humor and friendliness are his strengths and he keeps everyone in the classroom laughing.

As a part of the awards ceremony the children do not know that they will be recognized.  Parents are invited and Jarrett and I made it a point to be there.  Unfortunately Dad had to travel of out town this week for work, but he was thinking of Michael.  When we showed up both times, the boys were surprised to see us and quickly assumed they might be getting an honor.

I'm very thankful for this year's school year.  It has been such a wonderful experience; not only for the boys but for our entire family.  The culture of the school is very positive and it is palpable among the teachers and the students.  We have been blessed with two wonderful teachers for the boys and the community at the school has been welcoming.

It is hard to believe the school year is already wrapping up.  It seems like they just started.  While I'm thankful for all the kids have learned, I'm perhaps most thankful for the opportunity to have them be a part of a Leader in Me community that encourages leaders, supports them to have the confidence to make the right choice even when it can be hard, and the expectation that they can always work to make themselves better.

Gabriel and Michael we are so proud of you.  Way to go!

Until next time,
Angie

Flat Gabriel... Part two.

A couple of weeks ago I shared about Gabriel's project to create a Flat version of himself and send it to another person in the world who can take him around to see the sights.  While at the time I couldn't reveal who it was sent to, the cat is out of the bag and I can now, thanks to Uncle Nolan, share pictures....

From where is the world is ... FLAT GABRIEL?

Yep, that's right.  Flat Gabriel went to New York City to visit Uncle Nolan!

 One of the first stops on his adventure trip was the subway....

And after taking a Subway ride, Flat Gabriel decided to visit another city, on a Delta airplane...

The next stop on his adventure trip was to Washington, DC.  Where one of the first places he go to visit was...

Yep, that's The White House!

It has been a lot of fun getting updates from Flat Gabriel via Uncle Nolan.  It sounds like they are having quite the adventure... We can't wait to get all the details of his trip when Flat Gabriel comes back home!

 Until next time,
Angie

The Easter Bunny conversation...

On Sunday night as we prepared for bed, I couldn't help but think of the thousands of teachers on Monday morning who would have to deal with the never-ending sugar high their students were on from the day before.  While I can't account for any children other than my own, I can share that if every child ate as much candy as mine did on Sunday, I'm sure Monday was not very fun. 

You can imagine then, when the boys got off the bus on Monday afternoon, I expected to hear an excuse after another excuse as to why they couldn't stop talking to their friends when they were suppose to be quiet, why concentrating at music class was so hard and why they just had to shout out the answers instead of waiting for the teacher to call on them.  As the bus approached I saw all the kids (not just my own) crowded toward the front rows of the bus, waiting to jump out the minute Mr. Matt stopped.  I braced myself.

As the door opened, all I heard was shouting.....

With one child talking over another one, I couldn't even figure out what they were saying/asking.  And then one of the boys shouted out over the others. "Ms. Angie, tell Gabriel and Michael the Easter Bunny isn't real!"

GASP.  GASP again.  Yikes, my brain was racing.  

Thankfully Michael and Gabriel were having NONE of it and said, "Mom, tell Harlen he's wrong."  I looked at Harlen and said, "Harlen, the boys want me to tell you the Easter Bunny did come to our house."  Still not ready to give up his strong pursuit to "let the truth be heard", he turned his head, and shouted back at me, "No, Ms. Angie tell him the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Santa are NOT real.  They are just the parents giving the gifts."  

As I stood on the corner of the street, I thought to myself, this is NOT how I expected to have this conversation and before another word could be said, I immediately shut the conversation down and called for us to go inside, "Boys, come on we have to get a lot of things done before your game tonight."

Thankfully that was enough to end it all.  But I wasn't ready to fully end the conversation.  I wanted to know more about what the boys really thought.

After getting a good start with homework, I causally brought up the question, "Boys, what was Harlen saying to you on the bus about Easter?"  Right away Gabriel interjected, "MOM," obviously disgusted, he continued, "He says the Easter Bunny isn't real and that it is just our parents who give us all the gifts."  At this point Michael who was in the other room came in to be right next to me.  "Mom," he asked, "Are you the Easter Bunny?"  For one time in my life, I actually was able to come up with what I consider a pretty decent response.  "Michael, what do you think?", I asked very straight faced.  Immediately he burst into full on laughter and said, "HAHAHAHHAA NO!  You would NEVER buy us that much candy!"  To which Gabriel joined in, "And you're definitely NOT Santa because you'd never give us that many gifts!"

And with that answer our conversation was over.  I simply said, "I guess your right boys.  Your mom would NEVER buy you that much stuff would she."  "Wink Wink"

Until next time,

Angie

Camping fun...

Last weekend we went camping with our friends Dan and Wig. It was so much fun!  While I am very open about my hesitations with camping, camping with Dan and Wig has always been fun.  Personally I think one of the reasons why, is because they wait on us hand and foot.

On our way to the camp site.  The desert is beautiful.

After having spent a full day at the ball park last Saturday, we made the less than an hour trip up north to the McDowell Mountains Park.  It was glorious.  When we arrive, after getting lost for a brief stint (we seem to always get lost when we go camping, see recap from last year's camping story here), we thankfully maintained cell service and called for help.  Just a few minutes later, Dan, who was walking down the road to greet us, waved us in and we were parked ready to begin "camping".

At our camp site, isn't the view behind the boys glorious?  So peaceful and breathtaking.
Meanwhile, the boys were busy looking for a place to play baseball.

Dan and Wig had taken care of finding the place and making the reservation for us.  They had also taken care of bringing all the food.  To treat us even better, upon our arrival they helped us set up the tent and started preparing dinner (as we seem to always arrive as the sun is setting).  While Jarrett took the kids to the nearby playground equipment (yes, you did read that correctly), I set up our tent.  This time, I decided one of those tiny, thin, expert backpackers mat was NOT enough.  Who have I tried fooling?  While REI brags up how comfortable and soft those one inch mats are, I have decided they are definitely not as comfortable as our 15 inch air mattress.  Call me a city slicker, I'll take it as a compliment.  As I inflated the queen size air mattress with the electrical plug in located at our tent site, my affinity for camping was growing ten fold.  I laid out the comforters on the ground and nicely positioned the boy's sleeping bags on top of them.  And then I laid out Jarrett and my sleeping bags on top of our luxury air mattress.  "Ahhhh," I sighed, saying, "I am almost excited to sleep in this tent tonight!"

I crawled out of the tent and turned to see Dan motioning to his right and trying to get Wig and my attention, I looked over where he was pointing to see a coyote about 25 feet away moseying his way through the camp site next to us.  Mental note, thank goodness we decided to take Jack to the pet resort  back in the city.  He'd make some coyote very happy and not because of his good looks.  Dan said the coyote was probably looking for water.

After our wild life sighting, Wig and Dan started preparing for us a huge feast of hot dogs, cheeseburgers, mac'n cheese, grapes, chips and even cold milk to drink.  Serious, I don't think Applebees could have done any better.  As we ate dinner over Dan and Wig's nice Coleman North Star lantern, I couldn't help but notice how vibrant the night sky above us was.  Sitting amongst great friends, with our happy camper kids and warm scrumptious food, I thought to myself, "these are the memories I'll cherish; I hope our kids do to."

After our juicy, mouth watering good, Angus beef burgers, I changed Isabelle into her jammies only to see our expert outdoor guides had started the camp fire and the preparations for toasted marshmallows were underway.  First in line were my two boys, who had already trudged through the dessert landscaping to round up sticks long enough to put into the fire with their marshmallow on the end.  After several marshmallows, and firm commands for the boys to move back from the fire, it was time for bed.

Gabriel and Michael crawled into their "comfy nest", their words not mine, and before long were zonked out.  Isabelle had already fallen asleep, as it was well past her 8:00 bedtime.  Knowing the kids were bundled up warm and safe, I returned to the fire where it was finally time to have a non-interrupted adult conversation.  It was nice to have an actual conversation that wasn't broken apart by me having to chase after Isabelle who was on her way to another camp site, or by two boys who constantly needed something or to have me break up a disagreement.  It was so nice in fact, that by 10:30, we all decided we should pack up our chairs, put out the fire and hurry off to bed.  I think my warning that the kids would be up the moment the sun peeked over the horizon was enough to scare everyone to bed.

Jarrett and I crawled onto the nice, fluffy, smooth as silk mattress and tried to figure out how to best sleep with Isabelle in between us.  The best positioning we found was for him to sleep with his head at the opposite end of the bed, giving Isabelle and I more room to stretch out.  Within seconds of finding the right position, we were all out.  It was fantastic!

Until 4:55 am when Isabelle woke to the sounds of the desert birds choir singing a melody of classic tunes.  With no level of volume but LOUD, soon everyone in the camp site was awake as Isabelle announced the different types of birds singing.  "Mommy- birdy singing"  "Yes, Isabelle," I whispered, "Shushhhh time for night night."  Louder in case I didn't hear her correctly, "MOMMY- DUCKY SINGING"  "MOMMY BIG BIRDY SINGING" over and over and over.  With that, followed by a few "WAKE UP MICHAEL, GOOD MORNING GABRIEL"  our short night of sleep had ended.

Soon after waking, our gracious camp hosts had  prepared for us another wonderful spread of sweet maple sausages, cheesy eggs, coffee, and milk.  I'm serious when I said I never had to lift a finger for a meal.  That was a HUGE treat for me.

After breakfast the kids and Wig, she's the best playmate by the way, went discovering in the nearby desert.  Michael was bound and determined to collect as many desert insects and animals as possible and Wig so kindly decided to help him seek them out.  They found ants, crickets, bees and other flying insects, all which Michael begged over and over to bring home.  At one point, after me telling him his insect keeper would be checked to make sure it was empty before loading into the car, he decided to put the insects in the front pocket of his hooded sweatshirt, not thinking I would notice.  I noticed right away.

The insect collectors, here they are getting some desert ants to "take home"

An hour of "NO's" later, Michael realized he wasn't getting anywhere and moved on to collecting rocks, something mom might consider letting him bring home.  Several shiny rocks later, he had found a great collection to which Dad and I agreed was okay, and back to being a happy camper he was.

Soon it was time to pack up the site and start heading for home.  While the camping adventure was quick, quite simply it was perfect.  So fun to be with friends we don't get to see as often as we'd like, so enjoyable to get waited on hand and foot, and so relaxing to be out in nature, enjoying the simple beauties we often overlook in our race-filled lives.

We can't wait until next time.  Thanks for all the fun Dan and Wig.

Until then,
Angie

Annette, Claire and Kat... Come back soon!

This past week Dad's aunt and cousins from Chicago visited us during their spring break.  When the boys heard that Kat and Claire were coming to visit, they couldn't wait to see them.

It was last summer back in Iowa when we saw them last, so it took the boys a minute to figure out who I was talking about.  However the moment they put the pieces together, the kids wanted to spend every single minute with them.   Thankfully, we strongly encouraged them to spend lots of time with us.

The first time we got to see them, we went up to Nana and Pap's house for dinner.  The boys loved watching Frozen with them and while most people watch a movie together on the couch, the boys chose to watch it like this with them...

See what I mean, could they get any closer?  The boys were SO happy to see their cousins!

And while we were there, Isabelle loved seeing her cousins as well.  While normally having to play with two brothers, she is starting to really love playing with girls. Ava and Julie were great playing with her and sharing their toys.  I love seeing Isabelle like this and seeing her in this photo, just confirms for me that she really is a little girl and no longer a baby.  

After getting together at Nana and Papa's we were excited to have them come down to our house for a visit.  Kat and Claire, who are from Chicago, were so excited for warmer weather, they thought our mid 80 degree temperatures were perfect for swimming.  

That's all Gabriel and Michael had to hear to be sold on going swimming.  

The brave souls who decided the 69 degree temperature water was "just right" for swimming.  

After swimming they decided to cuddle again to stay warm.

And then to top off the fun times together, Annette, Claire, Kat and Nana and Papa all came to support Gabriel at his baseball game.  Gabriel was so excited they were there, not only because they got to see him hit, but they also got to see him strike out a couple players as he got to pitch for the first time.

We are so thankful for all the visitors who come to see us.  We all enjoyed getting to spend time with our Chicago family and we hope they will come back soon.

Thanks Kat, Claire and Annette for the fun!

Until next time,
Angie

Flat Gabriel and a huge body project...

I don't remember a lot about second grade.  I know its been a few years, but even when I try to recall what we did in second grade, I can't remember too much more than the name of my teachers.  There is one other thing I remember, I don't ever remember doing the type of projects Gabriel has been doing in second grade.

In the last two weeks he's come home with some projects that make me wonder if he is in second grade or fifth grade.  Take for example the body project that I never thought we'd finish.  It started with him coming home with a piece of butcher paper as long as he is tall.  We were instructed to outline his body and then add all the necessary organs and body parts making sure they were colored nicely and labeled appropriately.

 Just glancing at the pictures of organs that needed to be identified, it didn't take me two seconds to know we'd be Googling a lot of body parts information.  And so that's what we did.  When that project was well underway, we started the second part of Gabriel's project.  The project that reminded me of my graduate school experience.... research.  Gabriel had to conduct research from at least 5 different sources that all explained how the respiratory system works, what other systems it interacts with in the body (and how) and what we can do to keep our respiratory system in top working order.  Keep in mind, all of the sources had to be in terms a 2nd grader would understand.  That my friends is challenging.  While Gabriel researched day after day, I encouraged him to take notes so that the third part of the four part project would be easier.  As we began the third part, the writing part, Gabriel soon realized he indeed should have listened to my suggestion and that we'd probably be researching while we wrote.

 At least three hours later we concluded with almost three pages of writing.  And then, finally, preparing for the fourth part, the presentation.  Of course we didn't get to that part until Sunday night, about an hour after Gabriel's normal bedtime and when we were both ready to do anything possible to just finished the body report.  Gabriel and I talked about his presentation and wrote note cards of what we would say the next day at school to his class.  After finally finishing the project, which including almost everyone in the family's help (including Aunt Barb from Iowa, Mom, Michael and even Isabelle helped color some of the body poster) we stuffed everything in his bag for school the next morning.

I felt so relieved when I dropped Gabriel that morning at school and wished him the best on his presentation.  I thought we'd be finished with projects for a while.   I. Was. Wrong.  That afternoon he came off the bus running and announced he had a new project we needed "TO BEGIN RIGHT NOW!"  I signed and wondered what body part I'd be Googling now.  As I walked through the front door, the boys had already thrown their shoes along the entry way and their back packs were only a few feet ahead of them.  The daily trail of school souvenirs had returned.  Gabriel cleaned out the papers from his black and blue bag and handed me his next assignment... to create a personal version of Flat Stanley.  A Flat Gabriel, one could say.

The assignment was born from the story of Flat Stanley himself.  In the book Flat Stanley's family couldn't afford to take him to all the places he wanted to go, so somehow (I haven't read the book but am going from a synopsis Gabriel gave me) they flattened their son Stanley and mailed him around the world/country so he could see all the sights.  Gabriel's job was to create a personal version of Flat Stanley and to write a story about how he became flat and what he wanted to see.  He also had to pick a place to send his Flat Stanley too.  I can't yet share where Flat Gabriel is headed, but hopefully it will arrive in the coming days.  Gabriel decided to create a flat Superman version of himself.  He then wrote a report and sent his back to school. Not only was the second project much easier but it also seemed really fun.

While I'm enjoying this week of no homework, thanks to the state testing, I can only imagine what project will be coming home next week.

Until next time,
Angie