5 Months today... and counting our blessings.

Five months ago today we said goodbye.  My heart longs so badly for you, the tears in my eyes flow and I wish so badly that you were here with us, on the eve of Thanksgiving in my arms.  Oh what a wonderful reality that would be.  How I imagined our life to have been just a few 6 months ago.

Today I know that those dreams will never become a reality and my heart aches so much... oh just to feel you again.

While I long so badly to feel you close, to soak up your beautiful innocent, perfect smell, I find blessings all around me and so I must give thanks.

I give thanks for the health of my three living children, that they can run, can play, can laugh and can share in all the world has to offer.  I realize now just what a gift that is.

I give thanks for the most wonderful partner to share this life with, to help carry this burden with me.  I give thanks for his health, for his strength, for the love he continues to give, and for constantly being there for me on days like yesterday, when the sadness becomes too great.

I give thanks for family and friends.  Those who reach out, who call and text to check in.  Simple messages to say you continue to hold us in prayers, who share their love and kindness.  For new friends, Noah brought into our lives and to established friendships that have weathered the test of time.

So many blessings among such sadness.  Never did I imaging this life back in February when we learned Noah was coming into our lives and never did I imagine 5 months ago today, being able to crawl out of bed so many days since.

Life doesn't get easier, instead I think one finds a way to live with the pain, to function in a way that seems "normal" to society, to push down the hurt and heart ache until in the comforts of home when its okay to feel all that this reality brings.

Noah, I miss you.  We all miss you.  On this Thanksgiving eve, I want you to know my number one blessing this year is you.  You surprised us, showed us miracles can happen, The happiness, the joy and the love that we feel because of you, is such a gift.  Noah while I only carried you for 24 weeks, and touched you for 12 days, the impact you've left on my heart, in my soul is permanent.

I love you my precious Noah.  Life is full of more blessings because of you.

Happy Thanksgiving my baby.  I love you forever....
Mom

5 Months...

Five months ago today Noah was born and changed our lives forever.  We miss him greatly and not an hour goes past in every single day that I don't think about him, that I don't miss him.

The grief these days is different than it was a few months ago.  Where the tears just a few months seemed to never stop, now they come at times when I least expect it, or when I think I'm doing okay.

Last Saturday morning I sat in the chair and reflected on life with the front door opened to let in the morning's cool breeze.  I listened as Jarrett and the boys played catch outside, as Isabelle sang songs to her dollies in her room and with all the noise happening around me, I still felt like something was missing.  Then I realized, it was Noah's voice... a tiny baby cry, or a giggle.  I wonder what noises he would be making if he were still with us.  I looked to my left, saw the picture of his precious face in the picture in our stand and the tears came again.

I miss him so dearly, I long to hold him in my arms, to be able to smell him again, to kiss his silky soft skin. Its moments like that when I really stop to think what life was suppose to be like, that the grief is overwhelming again.

These last 5 months have been the hardest days of my entire life, of all our lives.  Yes, they are easier than the days from the end of June and July, but they more difficult than any of my hardest days before Noah came to us.

The truth is, I'm finding more peace with living here and having Noah as an angel above.  I look for his signs, he sends them regularly for which I'm so thankful and I talk to him as if he were able to hear what I say.  I don't like the reality that we live in but with no choice to change it, I'm trying to find ways to accept it and remain connected to him.

People always ask me about how the kids are and for the most part they are okay.  I've seen us all struggle this fall and don't know if I can attribute it all to the great loss we suffered.  Jarrett and I try to parent to the best of our ability, but find many days we struggle just ourselves to get through the day.  As parents, our patience is tested, our will weakened, and some days the struggle too real.  The boys have acted in ways that we don't support. quite regularly these last several months.. more lying, deceitful behavior and arguing tendencies like we have never seen.  I suppose its because all of us are more stressed than we have ever been.  Its days when they seem to demonstrate all those negative behaviors at once that I look to the sky and ask "why?"

I don't get a response.   So we keep on keeping on.  I've come to grow so reliant upon Jarrett, it scares me sometimes as I use to think of myself as a strong independent woman, I realize now I need him more than ever.  He willingly takes on more and more as I try to get through the day without raising my stress levels too high.  I'm so thankful for him, I try to be there for him although I know its nothing like what he gives to us.

This is the first month since this journey began that I woke up and with the feeling of acceptance in our reality.  I say again, I WILL NEVER like it, NEVER be okay with what happened, but I accept it today.

Jarrett and I continue to give thanks for all that we have for we know our lives are so blessed.  So many continue to check in on us, send messages of hope, of support, of love.  So many continue to keep us in their thoughts and prayers and feel the strength from those actions.  I'm starting to find glimpses of joy in thinking about things in the future.  I haven't gotten to trust that the future is going to be what I hope or plan, but I try to find things within my control that can give me glimpses of joy. I live very much in the moment, for I've learned that's really all we have. Like this afternoon, Michael was recognized at school for demonstrating the quality of hope.  Jarrett came home early to go the awards assembly and Isabelle and I joined him.  Afterwards Jarrett, whose been wanting to see the new Peanuts movie, suggested we go to it.  We spontaneously decided to go and as I sat in the theater with our family, enjoying a movie together and eating popcorn, I realized how lucky and thankful I should be for all that I have.

I also realize that today was a very joyous day for many people and through their happiness I feel excitement for them.  A friend who has been a foster mother to a beautiful boy for quite some time emailed me today to share the news they get to adopt him.  She thanked me for being a role model and for sharing our journey.  While I definitely don't feel like a role model, I am so excited for her and what the future holds ahead for them as they finalize the adoption and become a forever family.

Another friend, who was a high school classmate of Jarrett and mine, celebrated her birthday today and also the great victory of taking home her beloved baby today.  Her daughter was also born prematurely, after 162 days in the NICU, she finally is going home. I can't imagine how sweet tonight must feel for them.  She and I reconnected over many messages, texts and picture exchanges these last few months.  I am overjoyed that their NICU journey has ended with such a fantastic result.

And then there's my sister, her husband and their children Mason and Willa.  Today, after more than a year and 2 months of fostering their son,today they adopted him and became a forever family.  I remember the first day Megan and Adam welcomed Mason into their home, he was so tiny, barely over 5 pounds.  I prayed that they that they would get to keep him forever, and today their dreams came true.  Mason is such a wonderful thriving toddler, so happy and in love with Megan, Adam and his baby sister Willa.  As much as Mason is a gift to them, Mason won the lottery in finding his perfect family.  It's a match made in Heaven.

So that is where we are.  Some days life feels tolerable, others overwhelming, but I'm learning I think that's the life we live in the midst of grief.  I continue to count my blessings for so many of you, you've held me up so many times when I didn't feel strong enough to do it myself.  You've given me hope, encouragement, love and kindness and reminded me in so many ways that I am so blessed, we are blessed.

I miss Noah, we miss Noah, and while he isn't physically here, I still feel him everywhere.  I found this quote the other day and it kind of reminds me of where we are right now.  Of course I love it because it talks about rainbows but it honestly explains most days how I feel...

Noah, I miss you.  I love you forever my precious angel.  Until we see each other again... love, Mommy

Until next time...

Garth...

In September I was listening to the radio one day on my way to work and heard the news that Garth Brooks and his wife Trisha Yearwood were coming to the valley.  I called Jarrett right away and said, "Dad, Garth Brooks is coming to Phoenix, we HAVE to get tickets to their concert!"  I've always wanted to see Garth Brooks perform as I've liked his music from the beginning.  While not a country music fan, Jarrett too likes Garth Brooks music and said he was in too.

When the tickets went on sale a week later, Jarrett spent a good chuck of time online trying to get us tickets.  He was successful and sent me an email saying, "We're in Momma, you, me, Garth, October 16th.  I was SUPER excited as seeing Garth has always been on my bucket list.

While I've liked Garth Brooks since I was in middle and high school, most recently his song, "The Dance" has come to have special meaning.  The very first day Noah was born we were told about the NICU dance and right away I thought of Garth's song.  After Noah passed the lyrics from The Dance have come to have an extra special connection to us with Noah and his life.

On display in our living room is a beautiful picture frame from our beloved friends Jon and Janelle that I read every single day...

With the lyrics visible for me to see each and every day, I am reminded that I'm glad I didn't know the way it was all going to end, because for those 12 days I loved each and every moment of the dance we got to share with my precious angel.

While so hard now, those words bring me comfort and peace... all those feelings, thoughts and emotions... all because of that song.

On the evening of the 16th our family was having dinner and getting ready for the concert when our friend and neighbor Leslie came to our door.  She said, "Angie, you have to come outside and see this..."  The weather had been kind of stormy and earlier I had been praying for rainbows, but when I went outside, I saw this...

While the pictures don't do it justice, this rainbow was the most beautiful, vibrant rainbow I had ever seen.  It was a double one even and looking up into the sky, I felt it was Noah, telling me he was with us.  I wondered, "did he know Dad and I were going to Garth?"

See prior to Noah, Jarrett and I would have never spent the money on going to see Garth.  I would have told Jarrett we should save the money and use it on something for the kids.  Jarrett and I really didn't go on dates all that often prior to Noah and if we did go out just him and I, it was usually because we had volunteered to be on an adoption panel or some other meeting.  Noah taught us, that Dad and I need to take time for us too.  From that week the three of us spent in the hospital, to our trip to San Diego and even Garth... another lesson Noah taught is that taking time for Dad and I to be together and enjoy each other's company without the kids is okay too.

Seeing the rainbow, I looked forward to the concert even more.

We went with Andy, Anita, Alicia, Andrea, Alicia's boyfriend Rhett.  It was fun to go as a group, even though our seats weren't together.  By the time Jarrett finally got through the website to get tickets, the seats that were left were behind the stage...

 While only 10 rows away from the stage, when were first got there, I thought... "Well we might not see much, but at least we'll hear the music really well."

The moment the concert started, I soon learned my fear that our seats weren't going to have the greatest views, were quickly proven wrong...

Soon the large curtain over the stage began to rise and soon the man we came to see appeared...

 And it turned out his stage was a full circle which he spent a good amount of time running all around.  He was so close, I could almost see the wrinkles on his face... okay maybe not that close but still close enough to feel like he was singing directly to us.

 The concert was amazing... he sang all his old, great hits, and the crowd sang along to each and everyone.

The energy Garth spent as he performed, reminded me of my boys, except Garth had more.  He ran around and around and even at one point, jumped up on top of the moving, lighted ball the drummer performed in...

 I wondered how much his life insurance premiums increased when they found out about his "stunt moves."

Garth is truly a remarkable performer and every single moment of his show was enjoyable.  He made you feel like you were the only person in that huge arena and it was obvious how grateful he is for everything he has.

How can you not feel like he was singing directly to you, he'd point, nod his head like, "yep, I'm talking to you," and smile.  

 About half way through the show, Trisha Yearwood came out and performed some of her classic hits, "She's in love with a boy." being my favorite.

 Her and Garth sang together, and their chemistry and love for one another was tangible.  So fun to watch them together.

As the concert went on, I kept waiting for Garth to play "The Dance"  I knew he would and I could feel the emotions inside of me welling up, as I anticipated each song.

And then, I heard this....

 and the tears immediately started flowing down my cheeks.  Jarrett and I sang along and I thought of Noah the entire time.  The images from the 12 days in the hospital flashed across my mind and those difficult days of having to say goodbye replayed over and over.  Remembering the moments of seeing our precious angel in a tiny coffin, and pleading for God to change the way things ended all so visible in my mind.

The hardest, darkest days of my entire life, and as I listened to the words, I felt peace that at least I had had him.  At least I got to see what my precious son looked like, I got to feel his embrace on my pinkie finger, I got to kiss his forehead and tell him over and over how much he is loved.

Noah brought me, brought us so many gifts, so many lessons learned about life, and oh so much love.

I'm glad I didn't know, the way it all would end.  The way it all would go.
Our lives, are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss... the dance.

Garth is right, the heartache, devastation and loss I feel are worse than anything I could have imagined before, but would I have traded it for the moments with my son, our miracle baby... never.

I will gladly live with this heartache, if that means I get to live with the memories of love, happiness and pure joy that Noah brought to me.

As the song ended, the couples around Jarrett and I had to wonder what in the world was wrong with us.  But raw emotions is what they saw, a couple still grieving the loss of their precious child, a couple trying to find a way to stay strong for one another, and find small bouts of joy in a world with constant reminders of what is missing.  A couple thankful for what they had, while still so hurt but what they have lost.

All of those feelings, emotions and tears... all because of a song.

After almost 2 hours of straight performing, Garth took his final bow and the house lights came back up.  Jarrett and I looked at one another and we didn't have to exchange any words.  We both knew every dollar spent was worth it.  Even if we had only heard that one song, but all of them were so great.  

The smiles come back some days easier than others.  Some days the smile hides the pain and sadness and other days the smile is genuine.  These smiles were genuine.  

What a great evening....

Yes we are trying to enjoy the dance of life, with our three beautiful children here, and our angel watching us from above.

Until next time,

Angie