Christmas reflections...

This year's Christmas was one to always remember.  Each and everyday of this holiday break I have thought back to last year and am immediately grateful for how different this year has felt compared to last.  This year was a Christmas filled with all the emotions a good holiday should have... loving hugs, smiles, laughter, even bickering... yes that's a sign we've spent a lot of quality time together.  

Yes there has been a lot of healing that has taken place this year and our Christmas this year I feel like we were able to celebrate being a family, a family with scars, but a family that has grown and is healing, is happy and is learning to enjoy all this life has to give.

(and this momma has also come to appreciate once again, that school will resume on Tuesday).  Love all of them, but its time to get back into a schedule.

Here's a quick recap in pictures of the fun that was our Christmas 2016.

Madelyn and Jack became good buddies...

Lots of family meals...

My kiddos are really great eaters, in fact they eat A LOT.  We had many family meals together and I took this picture one night as I sat back and realized that in a few years, our dining table will look different.  They are growing so quickly, I want to just take in the moment.  

 Isabelle loves to love her sister.  (Some may say smother)

 Isabelle, please give Madelyn a little space.

 Isabelle, just a little space please.

The boys and their toys...

Please ignore the boxes in the garage (mid-Christmas tear down), but the boys got I-pods for x-mas and boy did they LOVE them.  

That is, until Gabriel created a "password" for his I-pod and soon realized he forgot what his passwords is.  So he's permanently locked out.  

 Yep, the technology just sucks em right in.

Christmas Morning...

 Quick picture before the unwrapping commenced...

Madelyn loved to pull the paper and play with the wrapping paper.

The kdis inspecting their gifts before they got to open them.  The boys thought Santa was pretty disappointing in what he brought them (all clothes), but then I told them Mom sent a letter to say they really needed clothes.  Thankfully they Christmas' were restored when they opened their I-pods.  

More Isabelle loving on Madelyn.

Wonderful gatherings with family...

Isabelle and Aunt Anita! 

Cousins (big and small)

I think we caught Isabelle getting ready to smile.

Cherished gifts...

Some wonderful friends made a 2017 calendar and each month has a photo with special significance.  Thanks Wig and Dan! The kids kept asking me what I wanted for Christmas and I told them I really didn't want anything than to just be happy.  And that is the truth, except when I opened this gift not gonna lie, I think its pretty cool!  Can't wait to use it in 2017!  

More Maddie loving...

Like I said in our xmas letter, the kids LOVE LOVE LOVE Madelyn and I think they've really enjoyed getting to play with her.

Photobomb by Michael.

Even Mom got in on a few pictures.

Mom and her girls making cookies while Dad and the boys were gone to a movie.

Fun games with family...

At Nana and Papa's Christmas we played a game called Beanboozled.  The boys told me about it and insisted we get it and we gave it to Jarrett and Nolan, (Dad's brother).  Its a game where they put jelly beans in a box and the flavor can either be good tasting (like pear, buttered popcorn, tooty fruity) or it can be bad, as in really bad.  Like spoiled milk, rotten egg, canned dog food, dead fish, boogers, etc.

Here are some of the videos of us playing.  IT was a lot of fun and many laughs shared...

It was fun to go through everyone and see what they got.  Most everyone got the yucky jelly beans.  It wasn't until it was Nana's second turn that Maddie decided it was time to call it a game.  As you'll see in the video below...

Yes, Christmas 2016 was a wonderful one.  We will look back and give thanks for all the gifts we were blessed with..

Until next time,

Angie

Merry Christmas Noah...

Noah, tomorrow morning I'm hoping to wake up to the shouts of your big brothers and sister as they realize Santa has come.  It will also be your baby sister's first Christmas and I remind myself we have so much to celebrate and be happy about.

But I would be lying if I said my heart doesn't ache tonight that I don't get to celebrate this Christmas with you.  Tonight at church, we sang "Hark the Herald" and at the exact same time, Daddy and I thought of you.  I know we were thinking of you because as we sang the words...

"Born to raise the son's of earth, born to give us second birth."

I couldn't hold back my tears.  I looked over at your daddy and he too had tears welled up in his eyes.  I reached for his hand which had moved to rub my shoulder and I mouthed to him, "Noah"  He nodded his head, yes.  We both miss you so much.

Noah, I tried to make my heart feel better by reminding myself you are celebrating Jesus' birthday with him.  I can't imagine how wonderful the celebrate in Heaven is.  Selfishly, I just wanted you for myself, for us here.

Tonight at dinner Noah, our family sat at our front room table and next to us was your tree.

Of all 7 trees in our house, yours is my favorite.  As I pulled the dinner from the oven, Madelyn who was in her high chair next to it was staring at the flickering lights.  Michael noticed and said, "Maddie that's your brother Noah's tree... isn't it pretty?"  A few minutes later, we sat down at the table and prayed.  Then Michael said, "Mom, it's sad that Maddie never got to meet Noah in person."  He is right.  I said, "I think so too Michael, I guess she'll only know about him through pictures and our stories."   Another part of this burden of grief I'll probably never be okay with. 

Noah, I hope you know just how much we love you, how often you're in our thoughts and in our minds and oh how much I'd love it if I could only hold you one more time.  I just don't know how I'd ever have the strength to say goodbye again.

Noah, I saw this poem this morning and I thought it perfectly fits just what I want to say you to, today, on Christmas....

18 months ago today, Daddy and I had to say goodbye.  Not a day has gone by that you weren't on my mind.  We love you little buddy, and I hope you have a very Merry Christmas.  

Until next time,

Merry Christmas baby.  Love always... your mommy

Merry Christmas...

We wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas.

until next time,
angie

Things I’m silly about…. my planner

As the final weeks of 2016 swiftly pass by, I am realizing it is time to buy a new planner. And with that realization I feel my heart twinge a bit as  I’m not ready to let my current planner go.  See this planner has been my record book of everything that has taken place this past year.  Most significantly it holds the reminders of doctor’s appointments passed by and of my weekly celebration of turning yet another week in my pregnancy with Madelyn.  This year’s planner holds reminders of visits with Laurie and the weeks I spent on bedrest, praying feverishly that Madelyn would stay inside and grow just a bit bigger. Teacher conference reminders, notes about what to get the kids for their birthday, holidays, and reminders of times when family and friends were coming to visit.  In the final few weeks of 2016, I flip back through the 52 weeks that has been this year and I give thanks.

Last year at this time I was controlled by fear, overwhelmed by grief and clinging to the tiniest bit of hope and faith I could muster.  So much has changed in a year, even in these last 6 months.  I honestly questioned if I would ever see joy the same way, after losing Noah or if I’d be permanently scarred by his absence in our life. In the last year I have grown to realize I will never see joy again, in a different way  than before Noah quickly came into and left our world.  And I’m okay with that.  Yes I have scars that are permanently indented into my soul and forever scraped across my heart.  But I look at those wounds that have now grown closed but are forever there, as a beautiful reminder of lessons learned.  I no longer look at life the same way, I see beauty in the skies I never saw before.  I am forever changed because of a song that just somehow appears on the radio, in a movie, or almost every time Jarrett gets into the car (its Noah’s way of connecting with his daddy, I’m convinced)  Our family smiles when we think of their brother in heaven and we celebrate as best we can the time we get with each other here. 

Yes this year has been a year of great blessings, of faith fulfilled and hope renewed. Our family has found joy in life as we all celebrate and watch life through a newborn, our precious Madelyn.  If God created medicine for broken, aching souls, creating her was his greatest  prescription.  I have watched the eyes of my older boys grow with happiness as they kiss and love on their precious Maddie.  I have watch Isabelle find a bond and a connection she only once could admire in the bond her two brother share with each other.  Now a playmate, Isabelle and Madelyn have best friends in each other and it’s a love that goes both ways.  And I have watched my husband, literally sigh a breath of relief as he watches his wife bathe his newest daughter.  In seeing his wife’s happiness once again fill her eyes, he breathes easier knowing her spirit has been restored.

Yes it seems silly to feel such strong feelings as we turn the page and close yet another annual planner.  For with closing 2016, I get, God willing, to open up the possibilities of what 2017 may bring.  As much as I look forward to 2017 and the wonder that has yet to unfold, I look back and cherish all that 2016 brought us.  Yes fear, yes anxiety, but also growth in the number of members to love in our family, growth for me spiritually, emotionally and mentally as I worked, we worked to overcome and walk through grief.

Not only is it my planner but also a file for other important papers.

In a few short weeks, I’ll close this 2016 planner but I will not let it go.  Just as I write this blog to remember and record the moments of this life, I will keep that planner in my cedar chest as a reminder of what 2016 meant.  So much growth, so many blessings, so much love. 2016, what a year.

Until next time,

Angie  

Getting ready for Christmas!

Man the month of December is flying by and I don't think Jarrett and I have gotten to bed before 11:30 any night but once this month and the one night we did, it was because we were completely exhausted and decided to throw in the towel in our attempt to get as much done as possible. 

The calendar doesn't seem to be slowing down and the list keeps on a growing, but I feel us making some progress.  The most important thing though is that I find myself constantly reflecting on how different this year feels compared to last.  

Last year, we still hadn't told many people (just our parents and my aunt and uncle) that we were expecting and yet, I felt so much fear.  I find myself having post-traumatic stress, as I listen to Christmas songs on the radio and I'm instantly taken back to the level of grief, fear and sadness last Christmas brought.

That being said, I have found our family start to rebuild the happy traditions. Most night's you'll find us watching a light-hearted or heart-warming Christmas movie, making Christmas goodies or just spending time together.  This year is SO much better than last.

This year I decorated the house again and enjoyed the process.  I love the feel of the house when it's all decorated for Christmas.  All 7 Christmas trees, the light and warmth of the house when all the lights are off, except for those of the trees which shimmer and shine against the surrounding walls.

This year we also attended the holiday party our adoption agency hosts and of course had a wonderful time.  We are so thankful we are still invited to participate as we've met so many wonderful friends through adoption and feel we have such a great community of support. 

The party also gave us an opportunity to take a Christmas picture of the kids with Santa.  

And it gave us a chance to take a family photo.  Most pictures we take as a family have at least one of us looking all silly, but if I do say so myself, I though this one turned out A-okay.  And I love the fact Isabelle looks like she's praying to be on Santa's good list.  This may actually be what she's doing.  

Santa sent her a video yesterday where he reminded her she needs to listen to her parents.  This morning when she was doing exactly the opposite of that, she got in the shower and then must have remembered what Santa told her.  She said, "Mom, Santa told me to listen to my parents.  Sometimes I forget. (long pause).  Actually, sometimes I just don't want to listen to you."  Well, at least she's honest I thought.  

So here's to the crazy days of racing around to get ready for making this year's holidays so merry.  I hope each of you have a wonderful Christmas filled with laughter, happiness and bountiful gifts (and not the ones you have to buy).  The boys asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told them, the older I get I realize, the things I want for the holidays are things no money can buy.  Yes, I've turned into my parents... guess that isn't such a bad thing.  I sure am blessed with some great ones.

Merry Christmas to all!  

Until next time,

Angie

Christmas Painting...

Tonight we had a fun evening of Christmas painting.  Each of the kids got a blank canvas and were given the chance to paint a Christmas picture.

For Isabelle we traced a picture from her coloring book and then she painted it.  Michael decided to free hand the picture of Rudolf and Clarice.  And Gabriel painted a Christmas picture, a fireplace with melting icicles, Rudolf and a big present.

I was super impressed with the kids' drawing and painting skills.  It was so fun to watch them and they were proud of their final results.

Here are some quick pictures of the fun we had.

Tomorrow Michael will finish his painting.  He has to draw and paint in some mistletoe to put between the two reindeer.  

Didn't they do a great job?  I think so.

Meanwhile Madelyn sat in the high chair eating her dinner next to them, and just like the song Jingle Bells... she laughed all the way.

It is evenings like tonight, that I'm going to miss so much when the kids are grown and gone.

I will cherish these moments and hope the kids look back fondly on their childhood Christmas memories too.

Until next time,

Angie

Mommy's little dollie

I can hardly believe Madelyn is a half a year old.   Knowing that and the fact that time is passing too quickly,  one day recently we decided to spend a bit of time, playing dress up.  Which I've captured in photos and share now so I can always look back and remember my baby, when she was still just that... my baby.

Oh and some other things I forgot to mention in her 6 month post... Madelyn now knows how to wave bye and shake her head no.  While she doesn't know what "no" means, she thinks its funny to shake her head.  And she loves to wave by to Daddy.

I share now some of Maddie's recent photos... warning.. there are a lot.

Madelyn and the little bear we were given when Noah was born.  Each month I take her picture with it.  

It was so fun playing dress up.  Thankfully Madelyn is super easy going and had no problem supplying all the smiles.


Until next time,
Angie