On Thursday morning, April 22, I woke up at 3:30 am too excited, too nervous or too ready to meet our next bundle of joy. I decided to shower, get myself ready (which was probably the first time in a year I had used a hair dryer and a curling iron). I thought, well I have to look decent to meet our next little one right? After getting myself ready, I went back to bed, crawled under the covers in my clothes and tried to rest. I knew labor would be no joke and would need all the energy I could get.
We were due to arrive at the hospital for our scheduled induction at 6 am. With Madelyn we were induced at noon, and Jennings at 8 am. Everyone kept telling me they thought labor would go faster this time so I wondered to myself if we started so early, if we'd have our baby by the middle of the day.
Jarrett and I left our house about 5:30 am, with a huge thanks to his mom and dad for staying overnight with our kiddos so we could get to the hospital before the sun came up. We drove through Starbucks (it was one of my favorite places during the pregnancy- tall hot chocolate and a sausage and cheddar sandwich I craved every morning) and got the usual. We figured we had to one last time before the baby arrived, I knew my taste buds would change right after delivery. I only ate half and left half of my drink, I was too nervous.
We went to registration, and Jarrett decided he needed to use the restroom so he left me to check in. The kind lady at the desk then proceeded to tell me that my co-pay for my "stay" was $1700 more than what I was expecting to pay, after the phone call the day prior had told me I had already met my deductible and that I wouldn't have to be paying anymore. I thought to myself, well if this is the last of the surprises that happen today, it isn't that bad, as I handed over my credit card.
She told me to return to the lobby and the nurse would be out shortly to get us. Jarrett and I sat in the chairs and made small chat about how our lives would be changing yet again. Soon a nurse Susanna came through the double doors and called my name. We walked back through the triage space, and to a room (number 24) at the very back of the Labor and Delivery suite.
As we approached the room, outside I saw Dr. Alperin waiting for us. I smiled and said good morning, and thought, I'm surprised he's here this early. The week prior we had made the plan at my last OB appointment that we'd schedule induction for the 22nd, earth day not only because we though it would be neat to be born on that day, but also because it worked for Dr. Alperin. After the incredible care he had given me and our other children, and how he had helped me through the other labors, I knew I wanted him to be the one who got me through this one too.
We walked into the room and Dr. Alperin followed us in. He then surprised us with the next big change of the day when he shared that he was NOT going to be able to be there to help us deliver because he had a family emergency and had to be elsewhere to help with one of his children. As heart broken as I was to hear he wasn't going to be able to help us and be there for the delivery, I completely understood and respected him even more that his role of "dad" was the highest priority in his life. We told him we completely understood and wished his family the best, that we would miss him but that we again felt he was doing the right thing. We took pictures the three of us, because it was indeed him that had helped me get through this pregnancy and all the way to 39 weeks in the middle of a global pandemic. He then apologized one last time and said he'd check in to see how things went.
Soon thereafter Susanna got me ready to begin the induction process. I got changed into the lovely gowns they give you, as if I didn't fee like a whale before, putting on a gown that fits like a sheet, doesn't help. Then I watched at Susanna started to put in my IV. I asked her if I could watch and she would walk me through what she does, because I had just learned about IV insertions this block of nursing school and had my check off in less than a week. What better way to learn that to watch it happen in true life practice. She of course got the IV in like it was as easy as buttering toast. I tried to commit her tips to my memory. Then she hooked me up to the monitor and I got to her the sound of the baby's heartbeat. Music to my ears and always reassuring.
She then called in another nurse to begin the Pitocin, staring at 2 mg which would run for 30 minutes before being bumped up by 2 mg as long as I could tolerate and the baby continued to do okay. I had my plan and knew that given how quickly my body responds once my water is broken, I asked here if it would be possible for me to get an epidural before my waters were broken. She said it should be okay and I was given a bit more courage that I could get through the labor.
Before leaving the room she checked me one more time, I had been dilated to a 2 the week prior and was 75% efface. I had been having constant contractions it seemed for the past week so I was hopeful I had progressed even more. When she checked me she said I was a 3 and that I was still around 75% effaced. With the Pit running into my body and the reality our time to meet our next child was quickly approaching, Jarrett and I turned to our next task.... determining a name!
The name conversation had been something we discussed for many months prior and while we had several ideas, we really hadn't settled on one name if the baby was a boy. If it was a girl we had our name but if it was a boy, we hadn't narrowed it down. I had told Jarrett that I would defer to him this time around, and although each of our previous name decisions were made together, in the end when it came down to making the final decision, after he watched me go through labor, for some reason he just deferred the final decision to me. I think he felt sorry for how painful the experience is and that getting to pick the name would be something earned after the "fun". This time I told Jarrett, he could pick and I would support the name he came up with, as long as it was on our short list of top choices. We had a few we talked about and in trying to stick to my commitment of letting him choose, I tried to remain supportive of each name he picked. Truthfully while the names were were narrowing it down to were names I liked and good names, for some reason I just couldn't come to the decision that any of them were "the name".
With each passing 30 minute, Suzanna would come in and turn up the Pit. With the IV running fluid and the pitocin I felt like I had to go to the bathroom frequently and it was soon becoming clearer the contractions were definitely getting stronger. I watched on the monitor as each one would come and then go and what started as irregular patterns of contractions, soon developed to being consistent and about every 1 1/2 to 2 minutes. I went from being in the bed to sitting in the rocking chair and rocking back and forth with each wave of pain.
Around 11 am the contractions had reached the "ouch ouch ouch oooouuucccchhhh" point and ask Jarrett to call Suzanna to see if I could get the epidural. I could also feel the baby moving A LOT lower. Suzanna came in, opened up the IV fluid rate, something required before an epidural, and she had to check me again. Within just the couple of hours since the Pitocin had been started I went from a 3 to a 7 and my cervix was 100% efface. It was moving fast and I knew once the epidural had been placed they would break my waters and I'd better get ready to push.
Suzanna moved quickly and stayed in the room while she called for anesthesia to come. Soon a doctor had arrived and she helped me to get into place to have that lovely needle and catheter shoved in my spine. At this point I was in the bellowing part of labor, the one where the humming/groaning/moaning/really really really painful contractions come it seems one on top of the other. I always look forward to the cold soap they put on my back before scrubbing and then jabbing me with that needle, for relief is on its way.
Within 5-8 minutes I could tell the medication was working and the intensity of the contractions was less painful. I could still tell each time they would come but I wasn't in complete misery. Again I compliment any mom who does natural labor, but I also ask myself, why on Earth would you ever have natural labor when you could have an epidural? For a few minutes I was able to lay my head back and relax. I told Jarrett to take a final few pictures of my belly for it would be the last time it would ever be like that with the miracle of a human life inside. Something I had dreamed about, hoped and prayed for for many years and which had been answered by God now many times over. How blessed I have been to have had this dream become a reality so many times.
As much as I am always ready to meet our newest baby and to have them safely in our arms, I do have to admit I always miss the moments of being pregnant. The feel of the baby moving inside is one of the most incredible moments I am so thankful I've been able to experience. I also miss the connection and bond that I think grows between the mother and the baby. The love that grows along with the baby all those weeks and how you can love someone you've felt but never met. I also feel like while pregnancy is not easy, it is also one of the times in my life when I've felt pretty. I remember standing in the shower in the morning when the sun shining through the window in our bathroom would cast a shadow along the wall of my silhouette. I cherished seeing the curve of my belly grow and change over those months as my body was helping to grow and give life to our newest miracle. All things I cherished and knew I'd miss when the pregnancy ended.
It was only about 10 minutes after my epidural was in place when the nurse midwife came in and used the lovely crochet hook (or at least that's what it looks like to me) and broke my waters. That is also such a strange feeling. For me it feels like peeing one's pants about 10 times at once. It is also like shooting the starting gun on a track race.... everything takes off really fast after that. It was a little after noon when she broke my water. Suzanna stepped out of the room thinking it would be an okay time for her to grab some lunch before the action got started. I laid on my left side and the baby seemed to do better handling the contractions with me laying on that side. In less than 30 minutes I told Jarrett I was feeling the need to push and that he should call the nurse back in. He pressed the button and they said they'd send someone in.
Instead of Suzanna entering it was her team lead who came and shared with us that she had sent Suzanna to eat but that she'd be back in an hour. The lead nurse then checked me and said, "well I better call Suzanna back because you're fully dilated and I can feel the baby's head, it's time to push!" Within just a few minutes the room filled with the team of providers including the nurse mid-wife, three other nurses including a student nurse from the same school I'm attending and Suzanna who put her lunch back in the fridge and came right back to my bedside. With the magic show underway, they transformed the bed into what looks like a new machine complete with the end of the bed disappearing, the lovely feet contraptions appearing and the table with all the "tools" next to the delivering advanced practice provider.
Since this delivery, like Jennings was considered a V-back after having Madelyn by c-section, there is always a risk with delivering vaginally that the uterus could rupture which is an emergency for mom and baby. I signed all the forms before, labor began and was told over and over that if I had pain in the upper part of my abdomen that I should let them know right away. Strangely enough, as I began pushing, I had a strong shooting pain across the top of my stomach that seemed to grow with each contraction and pushing series. I told them about it and I could see the eye exchanges of information between them but they never verbalized what they were thinking... I could tell it was "should we be concerned?" but I think by this point we had reached the point of too far to go back now.
After a while of pushing, they had put an internal monitor in on the head of the baby and they were starting to see the effects of the pain the baby must experience toon taking a toll and it was becoming apparent they wanted to get him out as much as I wanted him to be born. One of the nurses suggested bringing in a mirror to allow me to "watch" as I pushed as they thought it might help. Much to my surprise the first time I tried to push when I could see what was happening, it was amazing how much progress I was able to make with getting him out. Things really started to move along now and with a few more pushes, I was able to go from seeing that he had a lot of really dark hair to having his head out!
As exciting as that was, this is when the labor took a turn and became super scary and traumatic for me. Normally when the head is delivered the rest of the baby's body seems to come out a lot easier with just one or two more pushes. Once the head was delivered, I pushed two more times and it was then that we realized that he wasn't coming out and that he was stuck. While the providers realized it first, I was still thinking I could take a break in between pushes. At this point the monitors were going off as the heart rate for the baby stopped and I looked down at his head and could see it turning from red to purple to gray, to almost black in front of me. I immediately panicked and started screaming for them to help him. My nurse screamed for someone to go get help and then the nurse mid-wife yelled for help to send everyone in that could come to help. I looked down at my baby, whose head was out of me but his body wasn't and he looked like Noah did after he passed. His color wasn't at all consistent with what someone alive looks like and it was then I screamed, "Oh God please don't let him die! Please SAVE him!" I screamed. That's when the nurse mid-wife yelled right back at me and said, "Angie, I need you to PUSH and don't stop pushing until I tell you!" She was firm, direct and meant business and I immediately stopped and just started pushing as hard as I could without stopping. At the same time those that had rushed into the room to help, were all over around me. Jarrett was pushed out of the way and staff started contorting my legs in ways I didn't know they could move, I also could see and feel people pulling, tearing and ripping my nether regions while they reached inside me to open me up to allow the nurse practitioner to get him to come out. It seemed like FOREVER and I thought he had died.
As I screamed and pushed with all my might, I finally saw them pull me apart enough where they got his one shoulder out and were then able to turn him enough to get the rest of him out. His entire body was lifeless. She pulled him out enough to clamp the cord and he was raced over to the baby's bed where the team of healthcare workers started working on him. He was NOT breathing, he didn't have a pulse when he was born and he looked like he, well I can't put it into actual words.
I asked Jarrett to go be with him while I prayed out loud for God to save him. "Please don't take him" I said with tears streaming down my face. I waited for any signs he was okay. Please cry baby. As I'd ask over and over to the doctor down by my privates, if he was okay. She didn't answer me.
Finally, I heard a cry from across the room and the cries turned to sobs. Finally, she said, "He's breathing, you hear that cry" While not as strong or as loud as our Jennings or Madelyn's first cries, I was so thankful to hear them. The team from the NICU was there to help as well as a whole crew of L&D nurses giving him oxygen and checking his injuries. His face was still almost greyish black when I looked over at him from where I was laying.
Unlike other deliveries when they allow the baby to be placed on your chest, he was kept on the baby bed for a while as they monitored his breathing, checked his vitals (he wasn't stable for a while) and made sure he hadn't fractured his clavicle or collar bones.
I happened to glance back at the mirror still placed at my feet and saw the war zone from where he had just been born and thought, well that's never going to be the same. And then went back to just being thankful he was with us and still alive.
After a while they finally brought him over and put him on my chest. I cried big tears again and gave thanks to God he was okay. The time on my chest was short lived though as his vital signs tanked again, his oxygen saturation dropped and his color turned and he was returned to the monitoring bed and given more oxygen.
I was sewn up both inside and out and brought some food and drink which always tastes so wonderful. The baby was continued to be monitored and by a few hours after birth he was able to keep his oxygen saturation and was allowed to be placed back on my chest and he tried to breastfeed. Each time I'd look down at him I'd get teary-eyed reliving the moments of his traumatic birth and just how close it felt we were to losing him.
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We spent some extra time down in Labor and Delivery as they wanted to make sure we were both okay before being moved up to the floor and it was in that time that Jarrett and I settled upon his name. It was a name we hadn't had in our list of names before, but it was a name both of us loved right away!
The name Finn came to us while we were in the start of labor. I have always liked Irish names and when we were talking with Suzanna about how many children we had, she was surprised when we told her that this baby was going to be our 6th child at home. I then added this is going to be our last. He is our grand finale. I then looked at Jarrett and said, "Maybe we should call him Finn!" It was almost like God had waited to have us come up with the perfect name until the last moment and as soon as I said that to Jarrett his eyes perked up and said, "I really like the name." I then looked up the meaning of the name Finn and we were both sold. We believe he encompasses and will in the future too, all of these traits. We love his name and love him.
While I could go on and on about what the next 48 hours were like getting to spend quality time with him in the hospital, I'm going to let the pictures do the talking in the next few blogs. The one thing I will say is that as hard as COVID has been for so many, having a baby during COVID allowed for us to have a significant amount of time to bond and connect just us. Jarrett stayed with Finn and I the first night but the second night he went home to the other kids and it was just Finn and I to bond and him cluster feed all night. Because of COVID they were extremely limited on allowing visitors which gave us better time to try to recover and to bond. I will forever cherish those moments together just us to start.
Finn, we are so grateful you are here and have completed the missing piece of our family puzzle we didn't know we were missing but are ever so so grateful we've found. You are an incredible baby, so easy going, such a good eater and so patient. Dad and I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out who you most look like and we've decided you don't look like dad or I but the person we think you look most like is your brother above, who must have played a part in sending you to us. To us, we think you look like Noah.
Thank you for brining us so much love and happiness. We love you more than words can convey. Welcome to the world baby Finn. Boy do you complete us.
Love you always and forever,
Mom & Dad.
