I went to bed for the last time as a pregnant mom-to-be. My goodness do I miss those feelings of Finn moving around inside of me. Each time I was pregnant, while not easy, I was always aware and extremely grateful for the miracle growing inside of me. I was never one to take pregnancy for granted, nor confident that it was going to be a happy ending (until he or she was born alive, healthy and crying did I allow myself to fully exhale the worry). It was not easy, lots of sickness, contractions, lots of extra precautions and with that, I am ever ever so grateful for each and every one of our children (both those who grew from inside of me and those who grew in my heart the moment we were brought together).
Tonight I go to bed and I think about what a true blessing and gift Finn is. I can't even believe tomorrow he will be 6 months old. My goodness time is flying by. Finn was our biggest surprise of 2020 and what an incredible one at that. Because we were home due to COVID for more than a year, I was able to keep the joy and concerns of his growing life private (except for those that Gabe shared with despite our wishes to keep private). This was by choice. As you can imagine being pregnant always brought with it worry after losing Noah and then when the world was being overrun with COVID, it was extremely fear provoking for me to risk getting sick and my doctor warned me to be cautious. So that's what I did. I selfishly kept the wonderful news private and savored each day he was growing inside. He on many days, was a reminder of the good during such hard times and he gave me hope that better days were ahead.
When we shared the news some people were surprised and even others wondered how we could be having another child. The truth is.... Finn is the most wonderful baby and we can't imagine our life without him. Yes life with a big family and lots of kids is chaotic and a lot of work... but this is a life I dreamed of, wished for and wanted. And if I'm being truthful... I'd have more children. I want my legacy to live on in the lives of my children. I'm not a perfect person by any means, but I hope my kids always know I did the very best for him, I tried my hardest and I got up each morning with determination and drive to teach them how to be the best person they could be. I did my best to teach them to work hard, to persevere over challenges and to try to make the world a better place by doing the right thing and caring about others along the way.
I guess I'm getting a bit side tracked (it's been so long since I've written on here, I hope after nursing school I can get back to it, because I realize how this place has become a sort of therapy for me). I guess what I want to say is this... since 2020 life has been hard. Very hard. Hard for us, hard for so many others. Lots of loss and trauma, lots of grief and lots of hardship for many.
But in that hard and yuckiness that a COVID filled world brought, there is also good. So much good. And for me and our family... some of that wonderful goodness was given to us in the life of Finn.
I wish I could put into words just how incredible he is. From the moment he came into this world in a traumatic and scary way (I should have known it had to be eventful for he was born in the middle of a global pandemic), he instead brought a calmness, a peacefulness, a reassurance that after the storm there is always hope and good (especially when you focus on that).
As he has grown and changed these past 6 months, he continues to be the most content, happy, smiley and just the most loveable baby. He is content almost always, and his patience is one to be admired. He sleeps so well. He eats so well and he plays so well with everyone. His giggle is so contagious and his eyes tell so many stories. Sometimes I look into his face and wonder.... I know you were sent from Heaven, but did you have special messengers from above who helped to pick the best personality traits.
Each day that we've shared, I've done my very best to soak up each moment. Yes they've gone too fast and yes I wish they would slow down. But I've been very deliberate in being present in loving each and every day. I don't hate getting up in the middle of the night to feed him and I do my best to participate in each bath... for I know this phase in life is closing with Finn. He will be our last baby (I know I've said this before, but this time it is for sure- a surgery to ensure). My heart twinges a little bit because I don't think I'd ever want this stage to end. I've always loved babies and children. I have wanted to be a mom with babies since I was 7 years old. I know how fortunate I am to have been a mom now many times. And I thank God the way it happened because I've been lucky enough to be a mom through gift of adoption (my God I'm grateful for Gabe, Michael and Isabelle) and through the gift of growing lives inside me.
It has been wonderful these past 6 months and our family has all seen the hope and returned joy in our home in the 6 months he has been here. I am ever ever so grateful he is here and tonight I go to sleep with gratitude for God bringing him into our family.
Finn- you are truly the cherry on top of the icing on a very delicious piece of cake. You are everything and more of what we needed to complete our family and will forever be grateful God chose me to be your mom. Thank you for bringing so much goodness into our lives.
I love you forever Finn and forever my baby you will be. ~ mom
Seven years ago this night I remember being so happy that you were alive, and as scared as I was for you, the joy and love you brought with your arrival was beyond measure. Today we celebrated your birthday by talking about you, sharing pictures with the younger kids and enjoying rainbow cookies (thanks to the kindness from a dear friend). It’s amazing to me how Noah is still very much a part of our family even as he lives in Heaven. The first thing Jennings said when he woke up today was “Happy Birthday Noah”, Madelyn asked out of the blue to visit Noah at his resting garden and today at school Belle said rainbows appeared out of nowhere on her paper. Each of us have a special and unique bond, and it is for me a constant reminder that love never dies. Happy birthday to our littlest angel… love you always and forever. 
