Living in the moment....

Since our world was rocked earlier this year, in more ways than one, I find myself living life differently than I ever have before.  Gone is the person who plans things, who finds enjoyment out of writing out calendars, dreaming of what things can be like in the future when X comes or Y arrives.  Gone is the person who anticipates what the future will look like, spends hours thinking about what should come next or what I'm being called to do in the future.

Instead is a person who attempts to live in the present.  Its the only way I have found to let go of the stress, the burden, the worry, and the ache of living in the past or anticipating what might be waiting for me in the future.   The truth is, the future is too scary for me and the past has shown me just how deeply I can hurt.  I have no control over most things in the future and to worry or wonder what it will be like, only causes me to create possibly worries.  I use to think thinking about the future meant I could be more prepared for what obstacle I might face.  If I can brainstorm all the possible struggles that might happen, than I can create a backup plan for each of them and successfully maneuver around each one, right? Wrong.

What giving birth to Noah at 24 weeks and then losing him at almost 26 weeks showed me is that of all the things I thought I had to worry about, the reality is there is a million more possibilities of things I never even thought of that might occur.  The truth is there's just too much to worry about.  And when it gets down to the truth in the matter, the reality is, I have little to no control over most of it.  Laurie, who has become my savior in the last few months, continues to remind me that allowing myself to think about, ponder, dream up all the things that could happen, only takes away from me being able to experience, see and enjoy the wonderful things in front of me.

She shares with me her goal for me, and my goal to is to find peace.  Not like that whole 70's slang term of "peace dude" or the hand gesture "peace".  No, this is peace in a whole new meaning.  Peace in our world, a world that has been rocked by trauma and loss, is a world with the absence of hurt, with agony with misery.  And to me that sounds like a pretty wonderful world.

See I lived in a world consumed by hurt, by agony and misery.... its horrible.  The reality is worse than one's worst nightmare.  It is something I would not wish upon our greatest enemy.  I hope I never have to endure a life that was mine earlier this year.

What I have found, as the only way to get through the day, the weeks and the months since Noah left us, is to simple live where I am at this moment.  Sometimes that moment is filled with sadness, with heartache in missing my son so much that it feels like my heart is bleeding uncontrollably.  Sometimes that moment feels great... when I pick up Isabelle from school and she sees my eyes, shouts "MOMMY!!!" and comes running across the room to hug me and say, I love you Mommy!"  And sometimes my world is simply just surviving. Doing what I have to do to get through the day.  A day mostly filled without feeling, just going through the motions of doing what I need to to get that day crossed off the calendar. That is how I live most days.

I find myself mourning the person that I was before and trying to be comfortable with the person I am today.  I see I am different.  I asked Laurie today at what point in my life do I get back to a time where I feel I can allow myself to get excited about things again? I feel I am living with a muted version of myself, where I live a life protecting my heart, guarding myself from getting too emotionally invested because I've learned it can all be taken so quickly.

While I didn't get a straight forward answer, maybe its because she doesn't know.  I suppose the answer will come from inside me. Maybe I'll never get that back.  Maybe that's just how people who've suffered loss like we have live.  I don't know.  Do I want to get back to a point where I can look at possibilities of things in the future and be excited? Yes.  Who would want to live in a world where fear controls you so much you're afraid to getting excited about something for fear it could be taken away?  Its how I live now and it isn't desirable.

I think as the holidays approach one of the things that I will miss about my old self was in the how excited I would get.  Christmas was always my favorite.  Transforming out house into a Christmas wonderland brought me so much happiness.  I loved every single hour I spent pulling decorations out of a box, putting up Christmas tree after Christmas tree and seeing the kids' eyes fill with wonder.  And this year I just wonder how its all going to feel.

I've come to the realization that Christmas from now going forward will always have a missing piece.  I suppose as the year's pass I'll get use to it and I pray someday I'll find joy like I use to in it. In some strange ways I feel called to decorate and go through the motions as we would every year in the past just because that's what we did, and in other ways, I want this holiday to be remembered for what it isn't... it isn't the Christmas we expected it would be.  As much as Noah will be a part of the holiday for us, it won't be in the way I wanted... the cute onesie that read, "Baby's first Christmas" with the perfect picture of the kids gathered under the tree.  It will be different.

And as I think about the holidays and the happiest time of the year that is quickly upon us, I have to remind myself to just be in the moment.  I can only be where I am at this moment.  It's what I need to do to find peace... so that's what I attempt to do.

Until next time,
Angie