Reminders of Noah...

A post I wrote last week but didn’t get to publish til tonight.

In the last few weeks, I’ve found myself being even more emotional in missing Noah.  Maybe it’s just how grief works, and lately it’s just been another wave of emotion.  Or its the fact that as I see how quickly Madelyn is growing, I can’t help but wonder, what Noah would be, should be doing now.  Or maybe it’s the beautiful pictures of friend’s children, born around the same time Noah was, reaching milestones, I only get to dream that Noah would have made.  Whatever the reason, probably all of them and more, Noah’s been on my mind and the heartstrings feel a bit more pulled as I miss him so.

Sometimes I feel guilty even sharing it, I mean come on… who am I to get to complain.  I have a very blessed life, a home full of healthy, rambunctious  keep-me-on-my-toes kids that fill my heart with emotions each day.  I have a wonderful spouse who supports me, our family and continues to put our needs above his own.  I have a house, a great job, an education and our health.  What right do I have to complain? None

Still I can’t deny the feelings that well up as I think about him and wonder, just wonder, what would he be doing now. 

And as I ponder those moments, what has surprised me the most, is that just when I let them almost consume me in sadness, there he is.  There’s a clear reminder, he’s never really gone.  Unlike Gabriel, Michael, Isabelle and Madelyn who drift into my mind and I can turn a corner, go into the other room or wait for them to come home from school, seeing Noah is different.  The way I see him, is through you.

Like yesterday, it was an emotional day, again I can’t explain why yesterday more than others, but when I was feeling sad, I happened to glance down at my phone and there was a message… I listened and it was Melanie.  She had left me a voice message to say she was at a store and as she was checking out noticed the man next to her didn’t have enough money to cover his purchases.  Melanie said, in that moment she felt a nudge in her soul and walked over to him and asked to pay for his items.  The man, in awe of her offer, paused and then asked how he could pay her back.  Melanie said, at that moment she reached into her wallet and pulled out the card with the picture of the little boy who nudged her into action.  It was Noah’s Kindness Card. She handed it to the man, shared Noah’s story and said, “Please just do something kind for another person.”  She said when the man looked up after reading the card, his eyes were filled with tears.  With sincere gratitude she said, he agreed and said he’d be honored to do so.  She said she called to share with me, not for any recognition or praise, but simply to say that Noah still lives on and is always remembered.

Listening to Melanie’s voice message I, like the man, was in tears.  Hearing the news of how she responded, the response of the man and the kindness that was shared in Noah’s memory instantly brought a smile to my face as I physically felt the sadness weighing down my heart disintegrate.  In that very moment, I felt like Noah was reminding me to keep the faith, to know that he’s okay and to remember the legacy his short but powerful life created. 

And then there was today.  I received a package in the mail, that was sent back in December I believe and was for some reason misplaced.  It arrived today and when I opened it, I found it was from my friend Suzie.  Included in Suzie’s beautiful package was a handwritten, touching letter that outlined her participation in Noah’s Kindness Project.  Given that she was busy with other obligations in October, she decided to participate in her own kindness project in Noah’s honor in December.  She gathered up t-shirts and took a trip up to the Hopi and Navajo reservation and passed out t-shirts to children and family.  Her letter is below…

After reading her picture, my emotions got the best of me and I found myself sobbing… and smiling.

Just beautiful isn't it?

Those aren't postcards, but actual pictures she took of the natural beauty on display in her journey.  

 I think one of the ways that helps me the most is knowing that Noah and his life didn’t just make a permanent imprint on my heart, but also on the hearts and minds of so many.  The fact that family, friends, even strangers continue to share kindness in thinking about him makes me feel love as the hurt and sadness recede.  Seeing Suzie’s note and her beautiful pictures of her time up north, makes me smile as I think about how nice it is that Noah is with other as well.  I love how Suzie wrote how she thinks about him as a little boy and together their adventures were enjoyable.  Peaceful, relaxing, rejuvenating… how nice to know our little angel can share those feelings with people who only met him through the words shared on this blog.  That, as his momma, my heart is healed in ways words can’t accurately describe.

Missing Noah is something I think I’ll forever feel and as much as I never thought I’d get used to it, in the past 592 days since I had to say goodbye, I guess I’ve gotten used to it.  Yes the pain doesn’t hurt like it did in those immediate days, weeks and months after and as I think back now, I’m grateful they don’t.  That time was hell on earth.  When I was at my lowest low and honestly had no will to keep going, Jarrett told me I had to, no choice, he wouldn’t let me stop, even if it was for the next hour, the next day, the next week.  At the time it seemed daunting and like a mountain climb I’d never get to the top of.  Now I can see I’ve reached the top of the mountain, as I look down on how far I’ve climbed.  Yet I look out on the horizon and see other peaks to be reached and other valleys to cross.  I know now though that with each valley, I may miss my boy and the pain in his loss is real and hard.  And then I see the path, I climb the steps, I look ahead and see the reminders, from you… from so many, messages of hope maybe driven from him… that while I can’t see his baby blue eyes (that’s what I guess his eye color would have been), he’s still here, his life still important.

Thank you for reminding me that amidst the feelings of loss there is the feeling of joy.  I smile knowing you thought of our boy as you helped someone else.  I find joy knowing you felt happiness as you shared of your own kindness in Noah’s memory.  And finally I feel love, love that you shared with me, all because of a little boy, who lives amongst the stars but whose spirit is inside many.

Until next time,

Angie