My water had broke... I was only 23 weeks pregnant.
I don't even have to close my eyes to relive the sensation of the warm water pour down my legs as I raced to the bathroom and screamed for Jarrett to wake up. I was scared, crying and begging for him to hurry and get dressed to take me to the hospital. I threw on a dress, my neighbor had loaned me. It was one of the first maternity clothes I wore, and only tried it on for the first time the day before. Within 2 minutes I was in the car, in the passenger seat, praying and begging God for help as I felt contraction after contraction pick up. Sooner than I could believe, they were strong enough and growing closer to closer. I begged for Jarrett to come out the door, sitting in the car waiting for him seemed like hours, when in reality only minutes. Thankfully his parents had decided to stay overnight at our house, after my previous trip to the ER just two nights earlier.
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| We had gone to the hospital on Friday night as I had had some bleeding and contractions but was sent home in the morning and told to rest. For the remainder of the weekend I laid on the couch or in bed, and still I couldn't stop it from happening. |
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| That night, unaware of what was ahead of us, we joked about how cold it was and that when we came back for our baby boys actual delivery, that we were going to wear warm clothes so we didn't freeze. Little did I know we'd be back in that exact same room less than 48 hours later. |
Finally he came out and I texted my family... my water just broke... on the way to the hospital... please pray for us. It was 12:40 in the morning. Crying and trying to breath through the pains of the contractions, I called my parents, my dad's phone specifically. It was one of those phone calls no one wants to get in the middle of the night. They are never for good news. This one wasn't any different. I cried and told them my water had just broke and Jarrett was taking me to the hospital. I cried and asked them to pray. Hanging up, I begged Jarrett to drive faster, we just needed to get to the hospital fast.
Less than 10 minutes later, Jarrett drove me to the entrance of the Labor and Delivery doors and I walked in, still water dripping down my legs. I pushed the emergency button to go through to the nurses station. I was still so early in my pregnancy, I didn't even realize there was a registration desk I was supposed to go to first. I walked up to the desk and by this time Jarrett had parked the car and was at my side inside. The nurse at the counter asked if she could help me, not even realizing I was pregnant. I told her I was 23 weeks pregnant and my water had just broke. I could tell she wasn't completely convinced I knew what I was talking about but escorted me to a room.
Soon enough the room filled with doctors and after hooking me up to the monitor, they could indeed see my contractions were just minutes apart. While the room was spinning around as people came in and out, I was praying the whole time for God to protect our baby. Then there came the test to see if indeed my water had broken, I knew they didn't need the test. While I had never been pregnant before, there was no doubt in my mind, my water had broke. Minutes after their test they confirmed, it was the case.
And then the doctor appeared in our room to begin the first of what would be many conversations about how we weren't at the point of viability and that if my contractions continued they would move me to an actual delivery room and I would be able to hold my son as he passed in my arms. It was then I felt my heart physically tear apart. As our conversation ended it appeared they were going to make plans to move me, I would welcome my son into the world and say goodbye in the same moment. When they talk about Hell on Earth, I think this is what they mean.
Things had been happening so fast I couldn't even process what was actually being told to me. The contractions were coming stronger and stronger and the pain just as intense as the heartache in my chest.
I believe to this day, God intervened and had a different plan for us on the night of June 7/early June 8th, when a woman came in immediately after me, further along in her labor and more in need of a delivery room at that moment. This opened up a window to try a different route for me. An injection of Terbutaline, to hopefully slow the contractions, and the monitoring which showed Noah was not in distress. Thank God it worked and instead of moving to the delivery room, I was instead whisked off to a unit foreign to me before... Antepartum. A place that would become my home for the next week.
A move that began a series of events harder than anything I have ever lived to endure. A time I will forever be grateful for having, a time that changed me to my core, and a moment that turned my world upside down. The greatest of days were quickly approaching. If only I knew about the steep drop that followed those glorious moments.
2 years later, one would think the pain wouldn't sting still so much. Its so emotional to live these days, years later, as I want more than anything the ending of our son's story to be different. To be planning for a 2nd birthday, not the second year of him being gone.
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| Less than 9 hours after I tagged this picture and showed Jarrett the idea we could have for our son's first birthday, our world would turn upside down. We were trying to keep our baby from being born 17 weeks premature. |
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| He was so squished inside. Here his hands and his feet were all up in front of his face. |
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| My last ultrasound pictures with Noah. Cherished memories of excitement in wondering what he would look like. How big he would be. Soon enough we would find out. |
Until next time
Angie
PS: After I wrote this tonight, I looked back to last year at this time and realized I wrote a post about this exact topic. As I read it today, I realized the story etched in my mind is so vivid that even the passage of time doesn't fade the details. Although time has passed, the pain and hurt are still so real. On the way home from work today, I told him how I felt and how I relived this day two years ago, over and over in my mind as I sat at work. He told me I don't have to relive the details if they are so painful, and I looked at him and said, "its all I have left of him." As painful and hard as they are to remember, I hope I never forget them, because they are the story. In the midst of the pain, are some of the happiest moments of my life, getting to see him, getting to touch and kiss him, the fact that we were able to create such a perfectly tiny baby from our love, all reasons to smile. So I'll continue to relive this day and the others we had, I think for the rest of my life. It reminds me of my son, my precious Noah. Oh how I miss him so.
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