**This point contains lots of TMI info, so I caution anyone not interested... just skip this post.
*I started this blog post before Noah's passing and I've decided to leave the tense of the verbs the same; for while he is no longer here on this Earth with me, a part of him will always be with me. And now, the story of Noah's birth...
Before too much time passes I want to make sure I record the story of Noah’s birth. I’ve follow many mommy blogs and when we learned we were pregnant, one of the million things I looked forward to was recording the story of his birth. I think as an “infertile” the gift of being pregnant and giving life is something I never took for granted. It was always a gift I longed for. And, while not the way I hoped or planned it to be, I was given that gift and his name is Noah.
As we know from previous posts Jarrett shared, my water broke early in the morning on Monday, June 8th. I had been to the ER earlier that weekend (Friday night/Saturday morning) with contractions and what I thought was leaking amniotic fluid. After checking me out they said I had a UTI and sent me home with medication. Little did I know less than 48 hours later, I would be back; this time in labor. I took the rest of the weekend easy pretty much lying down the entire time. I pretended to ignore the contractions I was having and hoped they would go away. I really hadn’t been sleeping for weeks/months, so on Sunday night when I couldn’t sleep again, I wasn’t too worried. That was, until I was lying on my right side, felt a stronger contraction, heard a pop, felt a pop and jumped out of bed to find fluid running down my legs. I immediately yelled for Jarrett to wake up and that we had to go to the hospital immediately. While I have never been pregnant before, I was 100% sure, my water had just broke. It was 12: 53 a.m.
Within 5 minutes we were on our way to the hospital and I begged Jarrett to drive faster. I prayed for God’s help and sent our family a text saying, “My water just broke, please pray for us.” By the time I had arrived at the hospital my contractions were 2 minutes apart. The nurse came in and hooked me up to the monitor to get our baby’s heart rate. Like always, Noah’s heartbeat was strong and consistent. They were also monitoring my contractions which continued to get stronger and close together. The first doctor who came in said, we are going to move to you Labor and Delivery as soon as we have a bed open up. He explained that because we were only 23 weeks pregnant, they would not take any measures in saving our baby. It was the first of many terrible conversations we were forced to have, conversations no parent wants to hear. Looking back now, thankfully another woman came in who was, for whatever reason, moved to Labor and Delivery in front of me, and I stayed in triage. This resulted in them giving me a shot of something (I wouldn’t recall the medical name of it probably even if it was said multiple times) but the medication did what it was supposed to and my contractions decreased to around 10 minutes apart. The next time the doctor came back in he said, “I think you’re stable enough, you’re going to go to the Antepartum unit.”
At 5:30 in the morning, I was moved to Antepartum, a unit I had never heard of but would come to be my favorite unit right next to the NICU at the hospital. As they moved me over from triage to the Antepartum unit by wheelchair, the nurse said, “This is going to be your last ride for a while, we want you to stay in antepartum for as long as possible.” At the time, I had no idea the impact that statement would have for me today. I crawled into the bed that would become my entire world for the next 5 days. The nurses came in and started connecting me to all sorts of wires, fluids, antibiotics and our saving grace medication…. Magnesium Sulfate.
With the rupture of membranes (the amniotic fluid), the mom and baby are at heightened risk for infection which is often why pre-term labor begins, I’ve learned. So I was pumped full of antibiotics continuously for several days. And when the entire list of IV antibiotics had been exhausted I was given an entire regimen of pill form antibiotics. I was also started on 3 grams of Magnesium Sulfate an hour. As first I felt extremely calm as the medication was administered. It was only slowly (at least to my account) over the next several hours that the effects of the powerful drug took effect. If I’m being honest, I really don’t remember Monday at all. I remember a few visitors coming to see me and I remember being so tired. I remember as the day progressed my symptoms increased, at one point I told Jarrett, I can’t feel my mouth and I can’t lift up my hand even though I’m trying. With all the medication as well as IV fluids they were putting into me, I had to get up every 45 to 50 minutes to use the bathroom. As the day progressed, I remember several times Jarrett picking me up from the bed and hauling me to the bathroom. I remember my head flopping to one side and resting on the tiled wall of our bathroom. Jarrett would then pick me up as I had no control over any part of my body, help me take care of myself, carry me back into bed, adjust the many pillows helping support my body and cover me back up. By the early evening, I remember turning my head to the right where Jarrett was sitting in the chair he lived in for a week and I said, “I’m getting too tired to breathe.”
Upon hearing that, Jarrett called the nurse back in and shared what I had just said. I’m not exactly sure what happened next but several hours later, I learned they had lowered my dose to 2.5 grams instead. It was exactly what I needed. This amount of magnesium made me feel comfortable, controlled the contractions and gave me more control over my body. For the next 4 days I laid on my left side, got up every 45 minutes all day and night to use the bathroom and prayed for God to let me lie there for the next 10 weeks. Doctors, amazing nurses, visits from family and friends filled the days which seem to pass quickly. The nights were harder, I think the uncertainty is scarier when its quiet and there’s more time to think. Over the course of the 4 days I met some wonderful nurses who came to check in on me regularly, even when they weren’t assigned to me. Each morning and evening for at least an hour, I would be hooked up to the monitor to see how Baby Noah was and to watch for contractions. Over those four days I cherished every movement Noah would make inside me as it provided me reassurance that he was still okay.
On Friday afternoon I had noticed that I was warmer than I had been the several days before. I didn't think too much of it and continued lying on my left side. It wasn't until Kristal came on duty at 6 p.m. that evening that little did I know but our lives were about to change. She came in an examined me, took my blood pressure, and my temperature, checked my stomach to see if I had any pain and then told me she'd be back in an hour to hook me up to the monitors. I had been having contractions, and they were definitely getting stronger and more consistent than they had been the days prior, but I tried to ignore it and thought the magnesium would keep it all under control. As was so often the case, I had some visitors from two of my closest friends and my mother in law was with me while Jarrett ran home quick to shower. Jarrett recalls now feeling his ears burning and a unending feeling his stomach that he needed to get back to the hospital as quickly as possible. We had a great conversation and I did my best to hide when the contractions would kick in. Kristal came back in at some point and hooked me up to the monitor. With each session of putting Noah's heart beat on the monitor, they had to place the sensors lower and lower. I told Kristal, he is very low tonight. After some trying she found his heartbeat, got it situated and left the room telling me she would monitor me from the nurse's station. We continued to talk and as my mother in law was sitting closest to the monitor she made comments about how his heartbeat was in the 170's. Where in the past it had always been in the 140's, I thought it seemed too high but didn't want to cause any alarm. Soon my friends left and I told them I'd probably be lying here over the weekend and they were welcome to come back anytime. Jarrett had returned by this point too and was back in the room and my mother-in-law decided to head back home too.
Not two minutes after our visitors left, Kristal was back in the room. She asked me how I was feeling and then proceeded to tell me she had been monitoring Noah's heartbeat and that he was showing signs of being stressed and possible infection. His heartbeat was getting too high and every time a contraction would happen, his heart rate would drop significantly. She said, "I'm afraid were going to have to have him delivered. I've called your OB to come talk with you." They are also going to come and do another ultrasound. Within seconds the lady was in our room and performing the ultrasound on my stomach. As she finished I asked if I could go to the bathroom and tried to bend my body to get up. She said, "NO, you can not get out of this bed. You can use a bed pan. I knew Noah was low, but when she said I couldn't get out of bed, I wondered just how close he was to coming out. I used the bedpan while lying in the bed and prayed to God to keep him inside. I looked to Jarrett and begged with me eyes to provide me some reassurance. He held my hand as the women gathered up her stuff to leave.
She left and no sooner my door opened again. The doctor on duty that night was Dr. Holler, and she came into our room a few minutes after Kristal was there. She came in and shared the same news Kristal and told us. As one can imagine, Jarrett and I were scared. We thought everything had been fine just a few hours before. Jarrett asked if the magnesium could be turned back up to stop the contractions and what else we could do to keep Noah inside. We knew what the odds were for complications and survival rates from the few days before, but we had heard success stories of women lying in antepartum for many weeks, up to 10 weeks successfully keeping their babies inside. We wanted desperately to be one of those stories. Dr. Holler explained to us that a healthy baby born early was better than a sick baby born a few days later. She said, for Mom's sake and the baby's, I think we better move to delivery. We asked to have the neonatologist come back and talk to us, for we were just hours shy of delivering a 24 week baby instead of a 23 week one. Dr. Wang from the NICU came down to talk with us and she didn't have very promising news. As she left, we felt even more scared, with our hopes cracked and our hearts so uncertain. Once again Kristal was there, she restored our hope by giving us encouraging words and told us again, there is always a reason to have hope.
She asked us what questions we had, she must have been able to see the scared looks on both of our faces. I asked, "Kristal, we thought we had more time. I don't even know what labor is going to be like. Can you please tell me?" She smiled and explained the process clearly with descriptions we could relate to, and all the while telling me I was strong enough to get through it. She said, "Angie, seeing how well you've tolerated these contractions so far, I know you can get through labor without any medication." She said she thought it would be important to get Noah out as quickly as possible and without any medication, sometimes labor progresses faster. She held my hand and looked into my eyes, "You can do this."
She then released the brakes on my bed and started pushing me out into the hallway, just as she was alerted on her call radio, that they wanted me to wait... given the early arrival of our son, they wanted me to be in a larger delivery room as there would need to be more people there. I could tell Kristal was frustrated that they were going to make me wait, but she never said anything and pushed me back in the room and applied the brake. Just then a women popped her head in the room, and asked if we'd like to pray with her, a chaplain at the hospital. We of course agreed and she came into our room. We briefly shared our story and it was clear she cared deeply for us and our precious son. Her name is Jill and the story of how she became intertwined in our lives, I'll share later. She prayed for us, for a safe and healthy delivery of our son and asked God to bless us with a healthy son. Her timing was impeccable for as soon as she finished, Kristal was back in the room telling us it was time to move to Labor and Delivery room 17.
As they pushed me and my "home" for the last 5 days down the hallway, I remember each and ever sign we passed. I remember feeling nervous and yet a tiny bit excited as we entered the doors of labor and delivery. I always wanted to be a patient in this department and finally I was getting my chance... thanks to Noah. As the extra wide double doors opened, images of babies appeared along the wall. I told myself to be prepared, my baby would be much smaller than those cute images on the wall. I just prayed he came out and was alive. No one told me if that would even be possible for sure. We turned a corner to the right and another button one the wall was hit as the door to our delivery room opened.
Jarrett was very nervous by this point and I did my best to tell myself to be calm. Kristal asked me how I was and I told her okay, she said, "You seem so calm." I told her I didn't know how to act but was trying to remain calm for Noah. As we got into the room, they pushed my bed up against the delivery bed and asked me to move over. I slid to the next bed and soon I was being hooked up to the monitor again. This time it was definitely harder to find Noah's heartbeat and I worried something was wrong. Kristal then gave me an injection of a new round of antibiotics as they suspected infection. I remember feeling the antibiotic being pushed through my veins, it was clear they were trying to give it to me as fast as they could. It was another sign to me that Noah was making his debut and it seemed to be coming faster than we thought it would. Kristal then said, "I'm going to stop the magnesium, your contractions are going to come sooner and get stronger." I looked at the clock, it was 11:23 p.m.
A few minutes after the magnesium stopped a nurse walked in and told me our parents had arrived and she wondered if she was suppose to let them in. Jarrett and I had decided we wanted it to just be him and I in the delivery room, to which the nurses and doctors on staff agreed since we were already going to have an army in there trying to save our son. We asked the nurse to escort them to the waiting room and we would give them an update as we had them. Little did we realize they were in the dark about where things were and wouldn't hear anything until Noah had arrived.
Kristal was right as soon as the magnesium was turned off, my contractions picked up immediately. They were coming every two minutes and they were painful. I remember lying on my left side (yes again), as they seemed to be more tolerable when I turned that way. There was a hook on the ceiling in the corner of the room that became my focal point... every time a contraction would come I would squeeze Jarrett's hand with my one hand, hold onto the bed rail with the other and stare up at that hook like it was a labor coach telling me I could get through it.
Within a few contractions, I could hear Noah's heart rate get slower and slower and at one point it got so low Kristal said, I need you to put this oxygen mask on and breath slowly. I need you to breath, do NOT hold your breath. I could tell from the seriousness in her tone, the oxygen wasn't for me, it was for him. Jarrett, a constant watcher of the monitors could tell right away his heart rate improved. I'm not sure what its like to watch your partner go through labor, but Jarrett did a great job, even though I could tell he was scared and nervous. Between contractions he paced back and forth but was right back at the bedside helping me through.
At one point the contractions seemed to be coming consistently and I told Kristal I really wanted to push. She had told me that I hadn't gotten to the "mean" stage yet so she didn't think it was time. She kept asking me if I felt like I had to go to the bathroom, "like you have to go number 2" and while I felt pressure and like he was coming, I didn't feel that. I did ask her to check me and she did. She said, you are dilated to a 5. Less than an hour earlier, when the ultrasound lady was in my room, she told me I was dilated to a 2. By this point Kristal had given me a birthing peanut (isn't that a nice name) to put in between my legs. She said it helped to speed along labor. I was now lying on my left side with a peanut holding my right leg up in the air and the oxygen mask pumping 100% oxygen into my body. And the contractions were getting stronger and closer together.
I continued to focus on that hook in the ceiling as Kristal reminded me I was doing a good job. I remember at one point during a very strong contraction, a contraction that felt like my insides were being tightened in a vice grip, she asked me if I wanted an epidural. I remember rolling my head back to her who was on the right side of the bed and giving her a look of, "I'm in excruciating pain" but I didn't answer. I remember her telling me it was better if Noah came out quickly and I didn't want to anything else to put him at risk. As the contraction eased I asked her if she thought I should get the epidural and she said, "Angie I think you can do this naturally... you are dilating pretty fast and I don't think you're going to have to get to a 10 to get him out. I asked her to check me again.
It was 12:45 a.m. We had made it to 24 weeks and when the recognition was made, we smiled. I wished it was 34 weeks but everyday counted they said and 5 days more meant, the doctors would step in to help give Noah a fighting chance.
Kristal checked me and just as she was measuring to see how far I had dilated since the last time, a contraction started. By this time I had started the low moan, that Kristal had told me about. I tried my best not to be the screaming woman we all see in the TV shows (although there's nothing wrong with that if anyone reading this was a screaming labor woman-- I say after going through labor you can do anything you want, anyone who goes through labor has a free pass in my book). When the contraction took hold and she was measuring me it felt like I was being hooked and held up on a weighing machine like those huge fish they pull out of the ocean... I can't imagine the fish find it very comfortable... and it wasn't comfortable what was happening to me either. In fact, it hurt like H&*LL. I begged Kristal in my mind to tell me it was time to push. Before she could tell me how far I was dilated, I announced, I feel like I have to go to the bathroom, yep number 2... can I push now? I was trying not to get mean.
Kristal said I was dilated to an 8 and that when the contraction took hold Noah's head was right there. I think you could push she said, but let me call the doctor. She called on her radio and soon Dr. Holler was in the room. She then examined me and said, "Yes, I feel him and he's right there, but I'd like you to get an epidural because I think it will help with pushing him out... we don't want you to push too forcefully as it can harm him, so let's get an epidural as it was more consistent and easier for him."
"Seriously?" I thought, "Why didn't I get this two hours ago." but at that point I was 100% trusting in the doctors and what ever was best for him, I'd stretch my body into two pieces if that would have helped him. Even though I wanted to push like no other, I laid flat on my back, breathed slowly into the oxygen mask and did my best to focus on that damn hook in the ceiling... I'd come to despise that hook by this point. A few minutes later, a woman in labor's favorite doctor in the whole world arrived with a needle long enough to shoot up my entire spine. Still feeling like I could have reached down and touched Noah's head, the doctor told me to sit up, put my feet over the side of the bed and hang there while he scrubbed my back, and inserted the needle. He was on the left side of the bed and I hung off the right. Jarrett had moved around to the right side and held one of my hands, while Kristal grabbed my other. As he scrubbed my back and told me step by step what he was doing, I thought, this must be another painful thing since Kristal grabbed my hand. The doctor told me as he was inserting the needle to tell him which side I could feel it, as he inserted it, I said right and then I said, "I can't tell, I don't feel anything." I learned a few seconds later, he only asked me that question to distract me. In a swipe of his hands and a tossing of his supplies, he was done.
I laid back and instantly felt relief. It was like I was sitting on the beach drinking a pina colada. Where in the world had this doctor been and why would ANYONE want to have a natural labor. Seriously, ALWAYS GET THE EPIDURAL. There is a good reason for modern medicine, an epidural is one of them. ALWAYS GET THE EPIDURAL!
Dr. Holler returned to the room and soon the end of my bed was being removed. The put up the stirrups and soon about 15 more people joined our room for the main event. The lights were turned on and the heater on the bed where Noah would be placed was turned on. I knew the moment I had dreamed about my entire life was about to happen and for some reason the nervousness left my body. I remember it seeming like it was all happening in slow motion. I tried to record every detail of the birth in my memory. I realized Noah was making my dream come true and while I wished it was 16 weeks from June 13th, it was surreal, and an amazing as I always dreamed it would be.
Dr. Holler told me on the next contraction that I could push. Jarrett helped me pull one of my legs back and Kristal the other. Soon a contraction came and I pulled my legs and pushed. It was strange and that it didn't hurt, there was pressure, lots of pressure, but the pain was minimal (maybe that's my mind just remembering it now). Dr. Holler and Kristal counted and then they told me to relax. She said, I think he'll be here on the next push. Soon enough it was time to push and as I pushed, it was a second later he came out and she held his tiny body in her hands. I looked down and saw that the cord was wrapped around his neck three times. Dr. Holler unwrapped the cord and Noah let out a tiny cry. It was 1:29 a.m. and IT WAS THE BEST MOMENT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Dr. Holler asked Jarrett if he wanted to cut Noah's cord. There were two clamps already on the cord and with a scissors in his hand, Jarrett cut the cord. It was a moment he and I will remember forever. Immediately the team of NICU doctors took Noah and raced him over to the bed where they worked frantically to get him intubated. Dr. Holler told Jarrett he could walk over to them to watch what they were doing and I told him to take pictures. I could tell Jarrett didn't want to leave my side but he went. I laid back on the bed and listened to what the team working on Noah was saying. Dr. Holler was so kind and translated all of their medical talk for me. She gave me the play by play... they just got him intubated. They are now checking his vitals. He seems to be doing okay. She then said, "You did a great job momma." It was the first time I had been called a momma since I gave birth. While I had been a mom for five years, hearing Dr. Holler call me momma after just giving birth, was something so sweet, like chocolate frosting on a chocolate fudge cake... it can't get any better.
Jarret snapped a few pictures and came back to my bedside to see how I was. Soon the team was shuffling around and I could tell they wanted to head upstairs. They wheeled Noah over to my side of the bed, he was wrapped in plastic and already hooked up to a ton of tubes. They showed me him for about 10 seconds and then they said, "We're going upstairs. Dad, you can come with us."
Jarrett followed the probably 12 people out of the room and soon it was just Dr. Holler, Kristal and I. They helped me finish with the post delivery part and told me that it was probably an infection that caused all of this. They said they would have the placenta tested to see exactly what type of infection was there so they knew how to treat Noah. Later we found out, that while they suspected infection, they didn't find any in the placenta.
The nurses stopped back in and asked us if we wanted to tell the family waiting in the waiting room. We asked the nurses to go get our family and to bring them back. Our family recounts that when the nurses walked in they didn't give away any of the news, but said, "We'll let them tell you."
Meanwhile Kristal, being the wonderful person she is, brought me some food. She brought me a turkey sandwich, some apple juice and a fruit and cheese platter. I didn't think I was hungry but I pretty much ate everything in front of me. I guess I left the grape stems. Soon Jarrett's mom and Dad and my mom walked in. The expression on their faces told us they felt the same way we did getting wheeled into labor and delivery... they were scared, they were nervous but they were hopeful. They looked at me and I said, "He's here. He even cried a little bit." And their tears flowed from their cheeks.
Soon Jarrett returned to the delivery room and said Noah was doing okay. He held my hand, kissed my forehead and we embraced, for both of us had our dreams come true. Our son, our greatest dream, he was here and he was alive.
Reliving the details with our parents was wonderful. I felt like I had just won the greatest race in the entire world. Maybe that's hormones that kick in after labor, but I felt so happy, so jubilant.. not since the days when I met Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle had I felt so happy.
After getting me up to go to the bathroom, Kristal asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to see him. I of course said yes and soon all 6 of us (our parents, Jarrett, Kristal and I) were on our way to the NICU for the first time. As we exited the elevators and were wheeled into Pod D, suite 50, I realized I had my greatest dream come true... that dream was to have my son. And how lucky was I to be staring at him with my own eyes.
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| Seeing my son in the NICU for the first time, less than an hour old here. |
While tiny, as tiny could be, he was, he is, perfect. The best features of Jarrett and mine all combined into our precious NOAH.
I felt love like no other. He had my heart from day one. He's the only one to have ever heard it beat next to his and he will always always have a big piece of it. He gave me so many gifts and giving birth to him was one of the greatest gifts in my life.
I love you Noah James... you made (you make) me so happy. I miss you so dearly my son, and while my heart is broken today, on June 13, 2015 you made my heart double in size... and for that I will always give thanks.
Until next time,
Angie
Until next time,
