Somewhere over the rainbow...

This morning I woke up to thunder and tried to make meaning out of it.  Prior to June 25th, I would just of assumed it was a summer monsoon rainstorm we sometimes get in the desert, but now I look at it differently and try to find meaning... I guess that is me searching for understanding, for a reason, why this happened.  Jarrett reminds me it not to ask for understanding or the answer to the why.  We may never get it.  I listen and understand what he says but I still can't get past it.

I laced up my tennis shoes and went outside as the rain fell softly.  I took off and felt the pain of sore muscles, muscles that haven't been used in months.  Strangely the pain from the sore muscles feels good, for once it is a different kind of pain and I welcome it. 

The rain fell softly while the thunder and lightning made music and lights in the sky.  It felt good to run it in.  It was the visualization of how I've felt these past 11 days.  Running down the canals I asked God why this had to happen and used my inferior human brain to find an answer... obviously I am inferior, there seems to be no good reason for why I would be blessed with getting pregnant after all those years of trying, only to have my greatest hope and dream dashed and my living, breathing and fully, perfectly formed son taken from my arms.  I just can't understand it.  

As I ran I searched the sky, begging Noah for a sign.  Today is another tough day... these days everyday is.  I begged Noah to tell me he is okay.  Will I be okay?  Will our family be okay?  I feel so unsure about everything now, I don't know if I can trust the answers I form in my mind... "I hope so." 

The rain started to fall faster as the sky continued to make noise.  I reached my point to turn around and after searching the sky and pleading with God and Noah to give me answers, I turned.  There it was... I stopped in my tracks and couldn't control my reaction.  I sobbed, and wanted to fall to the ground, but didn't my eyes to leave the beautiful image in front of me.  The tears coming so fast, my vision became blurry.  Not wanting to miss a second of it, I wiped the tears away and looked to the sky for comfort. 

I stayed in that spot and watched the rainbow for a long while, and then I decided I had to text the picture to Jarrett.  I looked down at my phone, sent him the picture and looked back up.

When I looked back up in the same spot the rainbow was, it was gone.  I had wanted to stay in that spot forever, to have that rainbow follow me back home but it was gone.  I felt again, Noah was telling me he was okay.  That I need to be at peace with him being in Heaven.  He had given me my sign like I begged and pleaded for.

  

And as I took off running again, I couldn't help but think that the image of the rainbow Noah had given me today was so much like the rainbow sign he gave me on June 25th, so soon after his passing.  

I returned home and posted the picture of the beautiful sky I had seen this morning to Facebook.  Not long there after one of my friends who lives down the street sent me the following text... 

"Angie- you should know I was up early and running this morning as well and was looking for a rainbow, and never saw one.  I kept thinking there's got to be one.  Noah sent that just for you.  I know it."  

Her text warmed my heart and added to the comfort I got in seeing it for myself.  

I don't think I'm ever going to get the answer to my question of why and I hope someday I can come to terms with that.  I used to be a person who'd planned my life out months in advance; even ask our parents, I had the rest of this year planned out in a calendar, printed and shared for our family to see. They say losing a child changes a person and so far I couldn't agree more.  Gone is the person I used to be, planning out our life in advance, now I just try to get through the day in front of me.

What I do look forward to, and use as motivation to keep going is that someday I'll hopefully get to see Noah again.  Until then, I'll just have to keep looking for signs... somewhere over the rainbow.  

Until next time,

Angie