Garth...

In September I was listening to the radio one day on my way to work and heard the news that Garth Brooks and his wife Trisha Yearwood were coming to the valley.  I called Jarrett right away and said, "Dad, Garth Brooks is coming to Phoenix, we HAVE to get tickets to their concert!"  I've always wanted to see Garth Brooks perform as I've liked his music from the beginning.  While not a country music fan, Jarrett too likes Garth Brooks music and said he was in too.

When the tickets went on sale a week later, Jarrett spent a good chuck of time online trying to get us tickets.  He was successful and sent me an email saying, "We're in Momma, you, me, Garth, October 16th.  I was SUPER excited as seeing Garth has always been on my bucket list.

While I've liked Garth Brooks since I was in middle and high school, most recently his song, "The Dance" has come to have special meaning.  The very first day Noah was born we were told about the NICU dance and right away I thought of Garth's song.  After Noah passed the lyrics from The Dance have come to have an extra special connection to us with Noah and his life.

On display in our living room is a beautiful picture frame from our beloved friends Jon and Janelle that I read every single day...

With the lyrics visible for me to see each and every day, I am reminded that I'm glad I didn't know the way it was all going to end, because for those 12 days I loved each and every moment of the dance we got to share with my precious angel.

While so hard now, those words bring me comfort and peace... all those feelings, thoughts and emotions... all because of that song.

On the evening of the 16th our family was having dinner and getting ready for the concert when our friend and neighbor Leslie came to our door.  She said, "Angie, you have to come outside and see this..."  The weather had been kind of stormy and earlier I had been praying for rainbows, but when I went outside, I saw this...

While the pictures don't do it justice, this rainbow was the most beautiful, vibrant rainbow I had ever seen.  It was a double one even and looking up into the sky, I felt it was Noah, telling me he was with us.  I wondered, "did he know Dad and I were going to Garth?"

See prior to Noah, Jarrett and I would have never spent the money on going to see Garth.  I would have told Jarrett we should save the money and use it on something for the kids.  Jarrett and I really didn't go on dates all that often prior to Noah and if we did go out just him and I, it was usually because we had volunteered to be on an adoption panel or some other meeting.  Noah taught us, that Dad and I need to take time for us too.  From that week the three of us spent in the hospital, to our trip to San Diego and even Garth... another lesson Noah taught is that taking time for Dad and I to be together and enjoy each other's company without the kids is okay too.

Seeing the rainbow, I looked forward to the concert even more.

We went with Andy, Anita, Alicia, Andrea, Alicia's boyfriend Rhett.  It was fun to go as a group, even though our seats weren't together.  By the time Jarrett finally got through the website to get tickets, the seats that were left were behind the stage...

 While only 10 rows away from the stage, when were first got there, I thought... "Well we might not see much, but at least we'll hear the music really well."

The moment the concert started, I soon learned my fear that our seats weren't going to have the greatest views, were quickly proven wrong...

Soon the large curtain over the stage began to rise and soon the man we came to see appeared...

 And it turned out his stage was a full circle which he spent a good amount of time running all around.  He was so close, I could almost see the wrinkles on his face... okay maybe not that close but still close enough to feel like he was singing directly to us.

 The concert was amazing... he sang all his old, great hits, and the crowd sang along to each and everyone.

The energy Garth spent as he performed, reminded me of my boys, except Garth had more.  He ran around and around and even at one point, jumped up on top of the moving, lighted ball the drummer performed in...

 I wondered how much his life insurance premiums increased when they found out about his "stunt moves."

Garth is truly a remarkable performer and every single moment of his show was enjoyable.  He made you feel like you were the only person in that huge arena and it was obvious how grateful he is for everything he has.

How can you not feel like he was singing directly to you, he'd point, nod his head like, "yep, I'm talking to you," and smile.  

 About half way through the show, Trisha Yearwood came out and performed some of her classic hits, "She's in love with a boy." being my favorite.

 Her and Garth sang together, and their chemistry and love for one another was tangible.  So fun to watch them together.

As the concert went on, I kept waiting for Garth to play "The Dance"  I knew he would and I could feel the emotions inside of me welling up, as I anticipated each song.

And then, I heard this....

 and the tears immediately started flowing down my cheeks.  Jarrett and I sang along and I thought of Noah the entire time.  The images from the 12 days in the hospital flashed across my mind and those difficult days of having to say goodbye replayed over and over.  Remembering the moments of seeing our precious angel in a tiny coffin, and pleading for God to change the way things ended all so visible in my mind.

The hardest, darkest days of my entire life, and as I listened to the words, I felt peace that at least I had had him.  At least I got to see what my precious son looked like, I got to feel his embrace on my pinkie finger, I got to kiss his forehead and tell him over and over how much he is loved.

Noah brought me, brought us so many gifts, so many lessons learned about life, and oh so much love.

I'm glad I didn't know, the way it all would end.  The way it all would go.
Our lives, are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss... the dance.

Garth is right, the heartache, devastation and loss I feel are worse than anything I could have imagined before, but would I have traded it for the moments with my son, our miracle baby... never.

I will gladly live with this heartache, if that means I get to live with the memories of love, happiness and pure joy that Noah brought to me.

As the song ended, the couples around Jarrett and I had to wonder what in the world was wrong with us.  But raw emotions is what they saw, a couple still grieving the loss of their precious child, a couple trying to find a way to stay strong for one another, and find small bouts of joy in a world with constant reminders of what is missing.  A couple thankful for what they had, while still so hurt but what they have lost.

All of those feelings, emotions and tears... all because of a song.

After almost 2 hours of straight performing, Garth took his final bow and the house lights came back up.  Jarrett and I looked at one another and we didn't have to exchange any words.  We both knew every dollar spent was worth it.  Even if we had only heard that one song, but all of them were so great.  

The smiles come back some days easier than others.  Some days the smile hides the pain and sadness and other days the smile is genuine.  These smiles were genuine.  

What a great evening....

Yes we are trying to enjoy the dance of life, with our three beautiful children here, and our angel watching us from above.

Until next time,

Angie

A long, overdue thank you...

Dear friends, family and strangers...

I’ve started this letter countless times and each time I stop because I can’t find strong enough words to express our appreciation and gratitude.  When our precious son left this earth back on June 25, our hearts had broken in a way I worried would never fully heal.  Jarrett and I felt called to honor Noah and the best way we knew how was through spreading kindness to others, for that is what we had been shown when he arrived in our lives 16 weeks early, at 24 weeks’ gestation.  For 12 days, Noah James Haskovec fought to stay with us, and the prayers, love and support given to us during that time carried us through each and every moment of those difficult and oh so wonderful days. 

After his death, I worried that I’d never feel happiness, comfort and joy that life had shown me before, but I learned I was wrong.  On October 3, from the moment my eyes opened that morning, until well into the night, even days and weeks later, we experienced the outpouring of support from those participating in Noah’s Kindness Project.  It was beyond our wildest expectations.  Through your participation, you played a key part is bringing kindness, more love and happiness to this world.  We thank each and every one of you for joining us in honoring our son.  While I know the impact of your acts of kindness are far-reaching, I want you to know something else.  Not only did you spread more kindness and love into this world, something that is so desperately needed, but you also played a key role in helping to heal our hearts.  You have shown us that life can have joy again. 

The joy our family received as we watched people from all across America share love with strangers, family and friends, all in memory of our son, was, I believe, the greatest gift, a grieving family could ask for.  Knowing that our son touched so many lives in his short but meaningful life, gave us comfort in knowing his life mattered.  Seeing just how many people were touched by him, makes us proud to be his parents and so grateful to each of you for showing us you care. 

We didn’t know how to thank each of you personally, so we share this open letter of gratitude to the community.  Thank you for honoring our son.  Thank you for your support of Noah’s Kindness Project.  We will never forget the support shown to us, the acts of kindness each of you performed and the gift of healing you gave us.  

We are deeply grateful.    

With healing hearts, 

Jarrett, Angie, Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle Haskovec

Another date....

Yesterday it was 4 months since Noah passed.  The reality is for us, each month presents us with two dates, one that serves as a reminder of one of the best days of our lives and the other, a constant reminder of the worst.  It will be like this the rest of our lives.  I've got to find a way to not let these dates mean so much.

Yesterday, I was surprised that it wasn't until the afternoon that it hit me it was the 25th. For some reason I had it in my mind, that today was the 25th.  However, after realizing the date, it all made sense.  Its weird, like my body internally knows its a date that serves as a sad reminder.  I felt more emotional yesterday, searching harder for a sign that Noah is still near... its probably the reason why tears rolled down my cheek as I cooked in the kitchen and looked at our monthly calendar that still reads June/July 2015.  I just can't bring myself to change it.

  I wonder how many more months will have to pass by before I'll find the courage, or the approval in my mind, its okay to erase the dates that still show me the dates he was alive.

While I've found much more peace in life since Noah's Kindness Project, my heart still aches daily Noah's not here.  Yesterday, in the kitchen as our family went through the motions of a typical Sunday, I couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like if Noah was home with us.  Would I be holding him as I made cookies, or would he be sleeping in the bouncer next to me?  How would our family dynamic have changed as a family of 6 no longer a family of 5.

In some ways it feels like it was all a dream.  I know what happened in June and July was real, but in some ways, I feel like I was teased with what life of having Noah in our lives could have been like, only to experience, what followed... a horrific nightmare, I still live in moments today.

Life yesterday strangely felt like a fall day last year.  When we never even knew about Noah, Where life seemed normal, to just be Jarrett, the kids and me.  Now I feel guilty if I think about our life being just us 5.  Its strange, I don't really know how to act.  Society, life treats us as a family of five, yet my heart wants to scream, I have another child!  Don't forget about him.  He's so important!

I suppose it will be an internal struggle I live with for the rest of my life.

Yesterday was just another date in the calendar of 365 dates we experience each year.  And although I tell myself it is just another date and that date doesn't have to cause any more pain than any other day, the truth is, it does.  It hurts so terribly to face the reality that my son didn't get to come home.

So I do my best to get through the day and wake up to find another date, one with a different number,  and a day that doesn't symbolize such hurt.  And as refreshing it is to know that tomorrow shouldn't be a difficult date, my mind quickly reminds me that in 30 or so days, that same date will come around again.

I don't know if it gets any easier or if the sharp pain eventually starts to dull.  I know its just another date, but its a date I'd rather not see.

Until next time,
Angie

Living in the moment....

Since our world was rocked earlier this year, in more ways than one, I find myself living life differently than I ever have before.  Gone is the person who plans things, who finds enjoyment out of writing out calendars, dreaming of what things can be like in the future when X comes or Y arrives.  Gone is the person who anticipates what the future will look like, spends hours thinking about what should come next or what I'm being called to do in the future.

Instead is a person who attempts to live in the present.  Its the only way I have found to let go of the stress, the burden, the worry, and the ache of living in the past or anticipating what might be waiting for me in the future.   The truth is, the future is too scary for me and the past has shown me just how deeply I can hurt.  I have no control over most things in the future and to worry or wonder what it will be like, only causes me to create possibly worries.  I use to think thinking about the future meant I could be more prepared for what obstacle I might face.  If I can brainstorm all the possible struggles that might happen, than I can create a backup plan for each of them and successfully maneuver around each one, right? Wrong.

What giving birth to Noah at 24 weeks and then losing him at almost 26 weeks showed me is that of all the things I thought I had to worry about, the reality is there is a million more possibilities of things I never even thought of that might occur.  The truth is there's just too much to worry about.  And when it gets down to the truth in the matter, the reality is, I have little to no control over most of it.  Laurie, who has become my savior in the last few months, continues to remind me that allowing myself to think about, ponder, dream up all the things that could happen, only takes away from me being able to experience, see and enjoy the wonderful things in front of me.

She shares with me her goal for me, and my goal to is to find peace.  Not like that whole 70's slang term of "peace dude" or the hand gesture "peace".  No, this is peace in a whole new meaning.  Peace in our world, a world that has been rocked by trauma and loss, is a world with the absence of hurt, with agony with misery.  And to me that sounds like a pretty wonderful world.

See I lived in a world consumed by hurt, by agony and misery.... its horrible.  The reality is worse than one's worst nightmare.  It is something I would not wish upon our greatest enemy.  I hope I never have to endure a life that was mine earlier this year.

What I have found, as the only way to get through the day, the weeks and the months since Noah left us, is to simple live where I am at this moment.  Sometimes that moment is filled with sadness, with heartache in missing my son so much that it feels like my heart is bleeding uncontrollably.  Sometimes that moment feels great... when I pick up Isabelle from school and she sees my eyes, shouts "MOMMY!!!" and comes running across the room to hug me and say, I love you Mommy!"  And sometimes my world is simply just surviving. Doing what I have to do to get through the day.  A day mostly filled without feeling, just going through the motions of doing what I need to to get that day crossed off the calendar. That is how I live most days.

I find myself mourning the person that I was before and trying to be comfortable with the person I am today.  I see I am different.  I asked Laurie today at what point in my life do I get back to a time where I feel I can allow myself to get excited about things again? I feel I am living with a muted version of myself, where I live a life protecting my heart, guarding myself from getting too emotionally invested because I've learned it can all be taken so quickly.

While I didn't get a straight forward answer, maybe its because she doesn't know.  I suppose the answer will come from inside me. Maybe I'll never get that back.  Maybe that's just how people who've suffered loss like we have live.  I don't know.  Do I want to get back to a point where I can look at possibilities of things in the future and be excited? Yes.  Who would want to live in a world where fear controls you so much you're afraid to getting excited about something for fear it could be taken away?  Its how I live now and it isn't desirable.

I think as the holidays approach one of the things that I will miss about my old self was in the how excited I would get.  Christmas was always my favorite.  Transforming out house into a Christmas wonderland brought me so much happiness.  I loved every single hour I spent pulling decorations out of a box, putting up Christmas tree after Christmas tree and seeing the kids' eyes fill with wonder.  And this year I just wonder how its all going to feel.

I've come to the realization that Christmas from now going forward will always have a missing piece.  I suppose as the year's pass I'll get use to it and I pray someday I'll find joy like I use to in it. In some strange ways I feel called to decorate and go through the motions as we would every year in the past just because that's what we did, and in other ways, I want this holiday to be remembered for what it isn't... it isn't the Christmas we expected it would be.  As much as Noah will be a part of the holiday for us, it won't be in the way I wanted... the cute onesie that read, "Baby's first Christmas" with the perfect picture of the kids gathered under the tree.  It will be different.

And as I think about the holidays and the happiest time of the year that is quickly upon us, I have to remind myself to just be in the moment.  I can only be where I am at this moment.  It's what I need to do to find peace... so that's what I attempt to do.

Until next time,
Angie

Four Months....the healing process...Noah's Kindness Project

 

Noah, four months ago today you made me a mother for the fourth time.  In some ways it is hard to believe it has been already four months and other days it feels like it was only yesterday.  You came four months early and today you would have been four months old, if you hadn't had to leave us.  You are still the first thing I think about in the morning and the last person I say good night before closing my eyes.  I wonder if it will be like this forever. 

When you left us behind, people told me time would heal.  I honestly didn’t believe them, and while I’m still not 100% convinced; I am starting to see how the days of having you in my life in a way different than I ever wanted, is becoming okay.  I don’t like it but I am learning to accept it.  In fact, I thought you’d be happy to know I can look at your pictures now and smile again as they do not just bring me pain and sadness in the constant reminder you are not in my arms. Instead I see the moments we got to have together, how wonderful your birth was, how amazing it was to feel you move inside of me, and how you fought for 12 days to stay with us... those are the memories that make me smile. 

Last night Dad and I sat together on the couch and watched our weekly show Chicago PD and during one of the commercials, I looked over and saw the picture of daddy holding you while I was bent down kissing your tiny forehead.  I smiled and said to dad, “Isn’t he the most precious baby ever?”  Dad smiled and we both thought of all the love you’ve brought to us.

We miss you Noah more than you’ll ever realize but we also know you haven’t left us.  The constant reminders you are near bring me comfort like nothing else.  I hope you never stop leaving us signs you are here.  All of us look for you.. all of us.  From your big brothers to your smaller big sister.  We watch for rainbows in every aspect of our life.  And I know it isn’t just comforting to me.  Isabelle, Gabriel and Michael love to see them too… please keep sending us winks of love from you above, we need to know you are always with us.

You and I, okay maybe just me have talked this over with you many days since October 3, but wasn’t Noah’s Kindness Project simply amazing?!  Dad and I were blown away by the level of support so many people all across this world showed us by honoring you.  Yes, my precious baby, it was all in honor of you, your life.  We feel lucky to say we are your parents.  Your life, while too short here on earth, touched many people and you sparked something in others that leaves me speechless. 

When Dad and I were brainstorming a way to honor you and your life, we kept coming back to kindness.  That is what you brought to us Noah.  Kindness and love from so many others all because they care about you, and because of you, they care about us.  So many friends, family, and even strangers showed us love and kindness and so that’s why Dad and I found it fitting to have the kindness project in your memory.

Noah, you know I was worried about how I’d wake up feeling on October 3 and I found out all of those worries were for nothing.  That day was filled with so much love, kindness and happiness, there was no room to feel sadness.  I could tell you were with us each and every moment of that day.  I could feel you and I was carried through that day because of that feeling and the love that was added to this world through acts of kindness. 

That evening Dad and I sat on opposite ends of the living room in complete silence as we read post after post of kindness people had done in your honor.  I don’t know buddy, if the entire life I live, if I’ll ever reach as many people as you did in your 12 short days.  How lucky am I to get to be your mom?  Reading all those posts, seeing how far reaching the kindness went, healed our hearts in a way I had never expected.

I went to bed that night and slept through the night for the first time in over 10 months.  I had found peace, comfort and healing… through Noah’s Kindness Project.  What a gift I had been given that day.  And the other big  gift Dad and I were given that day was a sense of closure.  Noah, we will never get over losing you.  We will never stop missing you.  We will always love you.  Before October 3, I had no idea how I was going to find a way to continue on weeks, months, years, let alone decades in the future without you.  Seeing how many people were impacted by your life and chose to celebrate kindness with the world in your honor, showed me that you will never be forgotten.  You impact here was permanent and as your mothers I guess I needed that.  I needed to know that you mattered, that you were important to others, that your life made a difference.  Noah, what I didn't realize until that day was just how big of an impact you made.  I am so proud to be your mother.  

Noah as Dad, your brothers, your sister and I reflect back and talk about Noahs' Kindness Project love flows freely and happiness shines through.  That is how I am choosing to remember you.  I will have always wanted more time, but boy am I thankful for the time I was given.

Noah, as we celebrate your fourth month, I send my wishes of love to you in Heaven.  Thank you for helping me to see happiness this month, for closure that it is okay to look at the sun when some days I feel I should only see clouds, and Noah thanks for sending me so many rainbows... literally but also through so many wonderful people who have been the rainbow for us through this stormy period.

I love you my precious little angel.  I miss you oh so much and I long for the day when we get to be together again.  Until then, I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other, pressing forward and trying to find more ways to spread kindness... for in kindness I feel so close to you, and that feels pretty darn amazing.

I love you Noah, 

Mommy

ps.... Here are some pictures from the awesomeness that was Noah's Kindness Project 2015...

Simply amazing.... we are so thankful.

Noah's Kindness Project 2015