A gift made with Love....

When we were in the NICU with Noah we were blessed by so many.  The nurses, the doctors, family, friends, strangers and even by other families who going through the most stressful time in their lives, as we were going through ours.  

One of those families lives catty-corner across from us and their little miracle Louis was born the same day as Noah and became his neighbor in the NICU a few days later.  He was bigger, born at 28 weeks I believe and weighed a bit more than 2 pounds I think.   I remember their family coming up to see him, I'm not sure if it was for the first time, but I think it might have been.  The look on their faces was the same look we had when we saw Noah... scared beyond belief, and at the same time so in love.  

Louis and Noah were "friends" from the start.  Though they never got to play on a playground together or in the sense that most children get to play as friends, I always felt like in the middle of the night, when all was quiet and the chaos from the day had ended that their souls were connected and playing together... even though they were in their isolettes.  

Louis' was showered with love by many too.  Although we didn't really get a chance to talk to his family members, the exchange of hellos in the hallway on the way to Pod D or the rides together in the elevator, the communication was clear.  We felt their support and I hope they felt our care and concern in our nods of support and hellos of encouragement.  

Sadly, our time in the NICU was short (relatively speaking) and when we left for the final time we never really had a true conversation with Louis family, but I thought of them and their precious little boy daily.  I didn't think I'd ever know how their little boy's journey went but I prayed he would grow to be a healthy, full of life, strong boy that went onto live a long, rich life.  I figured our life paths would continue separately and that would be how it would go.

I was wrong.  Soon after Noah passed I received a post on this blog from Louis' mom...

I will continue to tell Louis that Noah was his first friend. We were/are also in NICU Pod D since June 16th, and I have thought about you everyday. You were the first family to say anything to us and to make a gesture. I could look over at you and our eyes would meet and I could be assured, "I know, it will be okay". You have an amazing story to tell, and I hope you will continue to tell it. I pray for Noah and your family everyday. I hope you continue to be comforted by the thought that Noah is in Heaven with the most amazing people. It comforts me. This blog has helped me in such a tremendous way this morning - knowing that someone else understand everything we have gone through and will continue to go through - even though we will never be able to understand your loss - we do grieve with you for Noah. Your feelings throughout this blog have been similar to what I have been feeling, and that is a good feeling to me, To know that im not alone...even though our NICU stories are different. Thank you Angie.

Louis's mom

It was so wonderful to hear from her and her words brought tears to my eyes.  How funny that our first real conversation wasn't in the NICU where we spent several days together but more than a month after Noah passed and through written words.  Either way, the words she shared with me meant more than I'll ever be able to adequately share with her.

Soon there after we became friends on Facebook and it wasn't too long after that that I got to see pictures of their NICU graduate.  He looked so big, so healthy and so happy.  I could see in the eyes of his mom, his dad and his grandmother that fear had been replaced with relief and that the look of love they had on the first day of him being next to Noah, had multiplied many times over.  

Their little Louis is so cute and now over a year, it has been so fun for me to watch him grow, achieve milestones and thrive.  While I miss Noah so much, in someways, watching Louis grow and achieve things we had hoped to see Noah do, brings me happiness and peace.  I pray I get to continue to watch him grow over the years...

Before Madelyn was born, Louis mom and grandmother reached out to me and asked for our address.  They said they had a gift they wanted to send.  Just a few weeks ago a box arrived in the mail and opening it, I saw that it was from them.  I pulled back the tissue paper and inside were not only super cute outfits and receiving blankets but also this beautiful afghan...

Instantly my eyes filled with tears... it was a rainbow afghan that exuded love as I pulled it from the box.  I felt the masterpiece between my fingers and the love was tangible.  I spread it out on the floor and laid Madelyn on it.  She was immediately fascinated with the bright colors and soon Isabelle joined her.  

The special star shape of the afghan was something I have never seen before.  It is absolutely gorgeous. 

Madelyn laid peacefully for several minutes staring at the bright colors before I turned her over so she could see it better.

We were (still are) very touched by the beautiful gift made with so much love that was shared with us for Madelyn.  I love to let her lay on it as it makes me feel she is being wrapped with love and in some way her big brother above is close too.

When we lost Noah back on that hard day in June, I couldn't see or feel anything but overwhelming grief and sadness.  While the sadness and grief are still present, I've been able to find joy, understanding and even happiness in the fact that his life, his short but mighty life brought many many blessings.  Had Noah never been born and survived labor, we would have never been in the NICU.  And had we not been in the NICU, in POD D at the same time another family (Louis' family) was going through their own extremely difficult journey, we would have never met. 

I can see how God had a master plan and although the plan didn't go the way I wanted, there are so many gifts we received through his plan.  Meeting Louis' family and getting connected to them has been just one of the blessings.  

What a beautiful gift we will forever cherish.

Until next time,

Angie

Putting away my maternity clothes...

I wrote this post several weeks ago, but realized I never posted it.

Today I packed away the clothes that I have worn for the past 5 months.  As I reached into the closet and pulled out each maternity shirt, pants, and dress, I relieved each time I had worn them and how far along I was in growing Madelyn inside me.  I fought back tears and tried my best to remind myself that the prize I had dream about was lying next to me in her bassinet sleeping peacefully.  

Yet still I felt like I was writing the final paragraph in a very important chapter of my autobiography.  In a way I wanted to leave the clothes in my closet so that each time I opened the door I could see them and be reminded of the happy times I wore them.  But my closet is too small, and it was time to put my regular clothes (those clothes that had been packed away for several months) back in.  

When I was pregnant with Noah, I had just started wearing maternity clothes and then my water broke.  After he passed, packing up and returning the clothes so many friends had loaned to me was heartbreaking as well.  Clothes shared in love, that I never got to wear.  In packing up and returning those clothes, I cried tears of what I never got to experience.

This time it was different.  With Madelyn I got to experience the feeling of getting so big that I couldn't see my feet over my belly.  I got to experience the reality that even maternity clothing gets tight at the end, and those shirts that at first had lots of extra room, eventually run out of space too.  I got to experience it all and it was wonderful.  This time packing up the clothes, I cried tears of happiness in what I had experienced, but also tears in thinking it had gone so fast and that that chapter of my life could be over.

I'm thankful we took some pictures this time, albeit not as frequently as with Noah, of Madelyn growing inside of me.  And while it will be so different to open my closet and see my regular clothes in the place where the clothes that served as symbol of the life growing inside of me once were, I have to be thankful for the time I had.  

So in writing that final paragraph on the chapter titled Maternity clothes... I share some pictures of my favorite maternity clothes I got to wear with our newest little angel.

December 2015

Starting to show but still hiding it.

By Christmas it was getting more and more difficult to hide my bulging belly.  Thankfully with the holiday season, there were times I blamed it on eating too many holiday cookies. 

January 2016

By January the bump was definitely visible.

After getting past 23 weeks, and experiencing the scare we had, we shared the news.  I started wearing maternity clothes regularly...

Getting bigger

February 2016

As the bump grew, I found I had a great ledge for holding my cups of daily milk and cookies.

March 2016

The Easter dress my mom got for me.

April 2016... getting closer.

May 2016... the month we prayed we'd get to...

I think she was bigger than a basketball by this point... more like an extra large watermelon.

The last few weeks before Madelyn was born.

Mother's day

My final maternity picture.

As sad as I am to close this chapter and pack away the maternity clothes that hold great memories for me, I am so blessed that the greatest gift I could have ever wanted is lying right next to me...

Yep, its time to wipe away the tears and write the final sentence of this chapter, for there is a new chapter to begin writing... 

This chapter is gonna be even better.

Until next time,

Angie

Dear teachers...

I know you are scheduled to report back to school next Monday even though the kids don't come back for another week.  I'm just checking in to see if you might be interested in taking a few, select kids back a week early.  I think they'd be just what you need to help you get your classroom ready.  They could also help you to get you back in the mode of what its like to have a classroom full of rowdy, obnoxious and loud children raising chaos in your classroom.

I'm writing with this innocent suggestion (wink) and if you are so interested, I come with the resources to support my recommendation.  See I have three, very active, some may sa
y rowdy and loud children that I'd gladly volunteer to loan you next week.  We've had 9 wonderful weeks together and just as I'm sure you feel come the beginning of May, I'm feeling that exact way now.  These 9 weeks have been pure bliss but in spending 24 hours a day together, I think we are all ready for a bit of a breather from one another, I'm sure they feel that way about me too.


We've had a wonderful summer, don't get me wrong.

But with these triple digit temperatures and the inability to spend lots of time outside, combined with the fact that our house is about 3 sizes too small, and the fact that we spend all day, everyday together... well, I'll just leave it as, I'd be glad to volunteer my three big kids to help you get ready next week.  Just let me know.  I'll be waiting by the phone, or by the front door, or by the entrance to the school on Monday morning, or wait, even better.... we'll just meet you at your car the minute you pull into the parking lot.

Gotta run, I hear tears, screams, shouts of fights and a baby crying... Seriously teachers... just let me know!

Until next time!!!
Angie

2 Months

Yesterday Madelyn turned 2 months.  To me 2 months still seems pretty little but when I look at her, I feel like I'm looking at a baby much older than that.  Maybe its because I compare her size to Isabelle's when she was a baby.  Given that Isabelle didn't weigh as much as Madelyn did at 1 month, until Isabelle was 3 months, I've got to keep telling myself to just expect Madelyn to be bigger from here on out.

To celebrate Madelyn's 2nd month since birth, we went to the doctor for her check up and shots.  I don't remember too many details from when Isabelle was a baby but I remember for sure that getting shots was not fun for them or me.  They left me traumatized, so as the appointment for Madelyn approached, I started getting more anxious.  I know the vaccinations are important, but I just hate seeing them in pain and if Madelyn's experience was going to be anything like Isabelle's, I knew the pain of her getting them didn't end when the needles were removed.  So I asked Jarrett to come along.  He could hold her and look into her pain-stricken eyes as not 1, or 2 or even three needles were jabbed into her chubby thighs... it physically made my heart hurt.  So he did.

The minute we got into the waiting area of the office, the boys went to the video games.  Dad drove separately so he could go immediately to work after her appointment and he arrived at the doctors office a few minutes after us.  He, just like the boys, made a beeline straight to the video games.

I just don't get video games, but obviously there must be something interesting about them.  The boys in my house can't seem to resist them.  Must be how I view reality tv shows.

When we were finally called back, the doctor examined Madelyn and proclaimed exactly what we already knew... "She's a big girl"

Madelyn with the little bear Noah was given when we was born.

 Her measurement for length was 24 inches, 2 inches longer than one month ago, and her head circumference was 16.  These measurements alone put her in the 98th percentile compared to other babies her age.  And then we got to weigh her.  

vs 

1 month...

I was curious how much she had gained as I've been noticing my arm falling asleep and getting very tired as I hold her to feed her.  At 2 months she tipped the scales at 13 pounds 4 ounces, another 90th percentile.  Its no wonder I'm having to put her in 3-6 month clothing and today I put her in a 6 month outfit.  I was noticing she was popping the buttons on her onesie... she's long!

 In the last few weeks we've seen Madelyn continue to become more interactive and she has fallen in love with talking to us.  She is so smiley and happy!

 

 I wish I could say in her first 9 weeks we've been able to establish a consistent schedule during the day.  With all four kids home and constant chaos around here, I'm just lucky she reminds me when its time to eat, as I often feel like I'm running around in circles, just trying to keep the train on the tracks.

However at night, when the house becomes quiet she's found a schedule she seems to really like.  She eats and goes down for the night between 9:30 and 10 and sleeps until 2 or 2:30.  Then eats again and goes right back to sleep until around 5:30.  If I didn't have to pump after each feeding we'd only be up for about 30 minutes each night  Again, I am counting my lucky stars for how lucky we got with her. 

The big kids absolutely adore her.  

Poor Madelyn has to beg them for attention... NOT

Today they were fighting over who could get their head closest to Madelyn's.  I mean seriously.  

 Madelyn didn't know what to think!

 I think its pretty clear that we are all very smitten with Madelyn.  I firmly believe she was sent from above to bring our family back together, to provide abundant joy and laughter in our house and to remind us about the power of faith, hope and love.

Needless to say... we are...

so in love!

Until next time,

Angie

PS:  I realized (thanks to a friends inquiry :-)) that I forgot to finish the story about Madelyn's shots.  Jarrett came along to hold her so I wouldn't have to feel so traumatized by them giving her 4.  It turns out that because the appointment took so long and that we weren't called back right away, that Jarrett had to leave to get to his next appointment, just a few minutes before the nurse appeared to give the shots.  So I was forced to be the one to hold her arms and to look into her eyes as they gave her the shots.  She looked at me as she screamed from the top of her lungs, with a glance of why are you hurting me?  STOP.  It seriously makes my heart ache with pain.  I feel so bad and wish I could take the pain of the shots for her.  Especially since we don't often hear Madelyn cry, hearing her scream so loudly with the cry of pain, it makes it even worse. 

After her shots, I fed her for a few minutes to calm her down and then we left.  The boys had begged to not come into the room, but to wait in the waiting room because they too said it was too hard to watch her in pain... they remember the 1 shot from her 1 month visit.  When we got home I expected the day to be a rough one and while Madelyn definitely didn't feel like her normal self, she still was a trooper.  I was very cautious around her legs being careful when we changed her diaper or clothes.  She seemed to have an upset stomach, spitting up more than normal and sometimes even throwing up it seemed, but she still smiled and coo'd often.  

Thankfully the next appointment isn't until she is 4 months old so I have a free month before preparing for the next series of injections.  

She's a talker...

Madelyn's personality is showing more and more as she grows.  She continues to be such a wonderful baby.  If I knew I could enjoy these baby days over and over, I think I'd have 5 or 6 more children.  But what keeps me grounded in reality is the reminder that the teenage years are not too far off.  And from what I hear, I'm gonna need to keep all these beautiful baby memories in the front of my mind, just to get through them.
Thankfully I have a few more days/years until teenagers are in our home, so until then, I'm gonna continue to soak up and enjoy every minute of our little (not so much actually) Madelyn and the others.

And just one aspect of her happy-go-lucky personality is that she not only loves to smile but she loves to talk.  She has learned how to scream, babble, coo, goo, and make all sorts of darling noises.  She loves to smile as she's talking to us.

Here is a short snipit of her talking to me last night before bath...

Oh how I love her so much!

Until next time,

Angie

A full wall...

This past weekend we finally updated our family photo wall in our house.  We have a great friend who always teases us that our wall is almost full.  He's been teasing us since we brought Isabelle home, and now with Noah's picture and Madelyn's... its no longer a tease... its the truth.

But as I looked at it complete with our five angel's photos proudly on display, I can't help but think... our wall is as full as our hearts are.

To think when we first moved into this house, our wall was empty.  Oh how things have changed in 10 years.

Here is a picture of our updated wall.

As we were finishing the final application of Madelyn's name, we stood back and noticed a baby rainbow appeared right by Noah's name.  I couldn't help but think... I guess he approves.

Until next time,
Angie

Remembering Noah...

Someday's the burden of grief is light and its easy to get out of bed to continue on.  Other days the sadness in missing Noah carries a heavy load.  It is on those days, the messages of support, the wishes of love and the reminder that he mattered is what carries us through.

This is one of those messages that reminded me today to keep going...

Remembering Noah

Thank you for remembering him.  Thank you for sharing with us and thank you for the encouragement and support to keep going.

Until next time,

Angie