They've become so consistent, I can almost predict when they are going to arrive. Each month, ever so many weeks, Jarrett brings the mail it and sets it on the counter. Each time they come the envelope is left unopened because we both now its just another reminder letter.
Since Noah passed away almost 3 years ago, we have been receiving notifications from our insurance company continuously reminding us that we are behind in getting our child vaccinated, that we haven't taken him to the doctor for his X (month/year) appointment. The letters aren't for Gabriel, Michael, Isabelle or Madelyn. They are for Noah. Yes the child that we had to say goodbye to 983 days ago (yes I know how many days it has been). No matter how many days, weeks, months, years pass, its a timeline that is forever etched into my heart. My life before Noah and my life after him.
At first the letters were like a knife stabbing me in the heart. I called the company and tried my best to hold my composure as I informed them yet again, that sadly my child has passed away. I asked them to please update their records. Before hanging up the phone, the customer service representative said they were sorry, that they would make a note and the letters should stop. They didn't. And I kept calling.
The letters continue to come and according to their records we are still behind on Noah's 2 year shots (funny that they never received record of him receiving any of his 3 month, 6 month, 9 month, .... 1 year, 18 month vaccinations but now they are worried about his 2 year shots. I called the company and talked to so many people I stopped writing down the names, dates and details of the conversations I had with them promising me they would remove him, it didn't matter anyway. The letters keep coming.
I updated the records with my work and supplied them with a copy of his death certificate. Yet he still remains on our insurance coverage and his name appears on our family insurance cards.
With each letter that comes or our new insurance cards that come and his name is still on them, I find myself feeling differently about these silly letters. One of the millions of things I grieve about losing our baby boy is all the experiences, the memories, the moments we will never have. From playing catch, to the missed hugs, to even the ER visits with a need for stitches... all experiences missed out on.
So in some silly way when a letter comes addressed to Noah's parents, or our insurance cards arrive with the names of all of our family members (ALL names included) I find myself cherishing the moment. To celebrate what it might have been like if he were here. If I was able to take him into get his 2 year shots. Or if I did need to have his name on our insurance card because he needed medical attention Oh yes, if only.
I'm not going to lie. Each time these letters appear in the mail, my first reaction is to feel sad and hurt that he isn't here, nut now, I am trying to change the way I feel about it. Instead of getting upset and hurt, I'm trying to think of it instead as a special reminder of the little baby boy we once had and who I carry in my heart and mind each and everyday.
Instead of it being a reminder letter from my insurance company of what I don't have and have failed to do, I'm going to instead pretend it's a letter from Noah just saying hi. I know it really isn't him, but why not let me make it a more peaceful moment. I've called so many times and tried to explain, which isn't really changing anything, so I might as well make lemonade out of a bunch of lemons.
I'm curious, how would you feel if this was you? Would you do anything differently? Would you pretend its something different if it made you feel better? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel, but I'm trying to find more happiness, peace and comfort in my life. And if the letters aren't going to stop, I might as well find a way to enjoy them, no?
Today seemed to be a better day. Madelyn seemed to be more herself. We were able to get a few things done, errands ran, house cleaned, outside chores done, some landscaping projects we wanted to do since we moved in started, and we even had time for a family game.
It was a nice Sunday and I was hoping sickness had left our house. I was wrong. Gabriel spent today under the weather, taking a several hour long nap (until we woke him up), then he skipped supper and went to bed at 6:00 p.m. He's still sleeping soundly and when I checked on him he said he didn't feel well. Fingers crossed he feels better in the morning, he is playing on his middle school baseball team's opening game tomorrow.
Man, can't this sickness just go away!
Anyway here are a few pictures of the day we shared today....
Yep this could pretty much be anyday, but they were in their positions enjoying one of their many shows while the boys and I did some chores around the house.
After we were done working inside we went outside to work on a few chores and the kiddos played.
It was a beautiful day to be outside.
We replanted some plants along the sidewalk as you come to our front door We're still saving up to get new rock to replace the small one, but for now baby steps for home improvement right?
Now we just hope the plants don't die on us. My thumb is definitely not green.
After all the work for the day, well what we decided to accomplish today, we decided to play a family board game. I should say we TRIED to play a family board game. Watch Jarrett's expressions in these photos... I don't need to leave a caption.
There were lots of shenanigans happening and not much game playing
Here Madelyn took all the cards and dumped them everywhere.
Here's Madelyn helping Dad "win" the game.
Michael thought it was funny.
Madelyn telling dad she didn't need his help.
Isabelle decided mid-game to give up and leave to go play her game instead.
And before bed Madelyn decided cup stacking would be fun!
More fun to knock them down!
Hopefully Gabriel will be back to 100% and the rest of us all healthy as well. Looking for daily moments of joy amidst the sometime challenges.
Until next time,
Angie
PS: Just because I didn't want to leave Gabriel out, here's our big boy Gabriel not having too much fun at the dentist last Friday. After all the trips he had to take to the dentist as a little boy (he didn't have the best dental care as a young pup) he now has pretty good teeth and still hates the dentist. Here he's hoping his "sealant" procedure isn't painful. It wasn't, like I told him, but he didn't believe me.
We tease him and call him our baby Gabriel, only because its so ridiculous. Seriously, he's a giant, big and strong (not really a baby), except when it comes to the dentist. Then the caring nickname is pretty spot on.
I've really been trying hard to keep things light hearted and optimistic on here (trust me it's been a battle) but I sit here today from bed (as I sit with Madelyn who is really sick) wanting to post some pictures and realize man if they old told the whole truth.
The truth that you don't see in these pictures is the constant sickness Madelyn has had seriously for weeks (and all different kinds), the dying of our van and replacement of a new (used) van with the nice new car smell, only to have Madelyn throw up all over in it less than 12 hours later. It doesn't reflect the crazy running here and there to baseball practice, then the second team baseball practice, picking up from practice 1 and practice 2, the breaking of the pool parts- that turned the pool green, Isabelle getting bit by a dog while playing outside, the cupboard door literally breaking off and falling on the floor (after two nameless children were "just touching it" and "I didn't do anything!").
Ah yes, life has been interesting to say the least. I've actually left out several other things on purpose, because I'm seriously pretending they didn't happen, and when I start to think about it, I just want to start crying. But through this I've come to learn that after the crying stage comes another one,... it's a stage when you start to think, "what else?" and instead of crying, you decide you might as well laugh about it and just hold on for the next blow.
Two weeks ago after having the van almost die on us on the crazy rush hour freeway traffic on the way to work, we managed to get back home switch out the car for the next one and get to work. That night Jarrett took the van to a dealership and the next day they called us to share the total damage (cost to repair).... ~$8,000. Seriously... for a van only worth about $4,000 on a good day. As we drove home and Jarrett tried to break the news gently to me he said, yeah I know we've had quite a few expenses lately... want to hear how much the van is to repair? And then he dropped the amount. For a second, okay it was more like a minute, I just stared at him waiting for a big, "Gotcha, actually it's only $1,500." Instead there was nothing. He just kept driving and looking straight ahead. I just started laughing. Like that type of laughing when something isn't that funny, but you just can't stop. The laughing that makes your eyes water and your belly hurt. That was the laughing I had. And it really wasn't funny at all, but seriously. I looked over at him and when I could finally talk through the giggles, I said, "Sounds good. I can't wait for what else."
So that's how I've been trying to handle these 90 mph curve balls being thrown at us. I just keep swinging, striking out most times, and every once an in while hitting a foul ball to keep me alive at the plate (Sorry for the baseball analogy- were back in baseball and it seems to be we are swimming in it).
When you're tired of crying, I guess you might as well laugh about it.
I'm trying to be more mindful in finding at least one thing a day I am thankful for, a different thing each day. Yesterday morning, after Madelyn was sick again all night, and I washed multiple loads of laundry, I gave thanks for my washer. I do love my washer. It has been a loyal companion for me for 11 years now (hold on good washer don't you break on me now) and I sure hope it can keep up with the constant loads of laundry we have piled up next to it each night. I can barely handle touching Gabriel's nasty smelling gym and practice clothes... yet each and every night she works her magic and in the morning, some pretty smelling middle-school boys clothes come out like new.
So that's how I'm going to try to keep on keeping on. As the blows seem to keep coming, I'm trying to keep taking them and fighting. And I'm going to keep capturing the good moments, because I hope someday I look back and have forgotten a lot of these not-so-fun, not-so-good ones, while still holding onto the knowledge I hope come from these hard times.
And now back to the sometimes false image that our life is always a joy....
My dad came to visit a couple of weeks ago and took the girls to the train park.
Dad and the girls watched the ducks swimming.
Dad and I watching yet another baseball game. I seriously look like I may have just woken up from a nap. Jeez I need a good night's sleep!
Grandpa and his girls. I LOVE this picture. Especially since he was taking them to Home Depot to get some tools for a home project they could help us with. I want to teach the girls how to do all these home projects too, because I want them to be independent and to be able to fix things around their home too.
Grandpa and Madelyn spent a lot of time together watching Westerns while we were at work and school. Don't tell Grandpa but I think Madelyn enjoyed him more than those old cowboy shows.
The kids sure had a great time with Grandpa Chip.
Mom is trying new hairdos for Isabelle's beautiful long and thick hair. She's lucky enough to have natural highlights... that most women have to pay good money for. I too am lucky enough to have my own changing highlights... the gray kind. Is this the new middle-aged natural highlights?
Isabelle also got to celebrate her 6th birthday with a couple of friends from school.
Isabelle and her friend Callie.
Isabelle wanted to go to Chuck-e-Cheese. She thought it was the greatest.
These three girls went to preschool together too. They were great friends then and even though Abby goes to a different school, they pick up like they just saw each other yesterday.
Isabelle got to go into the ticket wind machine. Her brothers kept telling her how she was doing it "so wrong" but she did great!
Isabelle, her friend Abby and a photobomb by Abby's mom. She's so fun!
We've also been spending a lot of time at the ball park. Yes game have already started as they've been practicing since... wait did they ever stop?
We all have to do what we have to, to get through the long games sometimes that means you eat a supersize bag of Cheetos!
And you download new games to play on Dad's phone.
Michael up to bat.
Gabriel up to bat
Michael up to bat
Gabriel up to bat
They placed 2nd in a tournament over President's Weekend so they were excited. See how much taller Gabriel is than the rest of the kids? He's got the black undershirt on heading toward the right side of the photo. Kid's a giant!
There has also been good times of playing at home between the girls. They really do love each other and play well together (and separately too). I hope they can grow up to be each other's best friends.
It's also been cold here for us... burrrrrrrrr... Madleyn is all bundled up and I had to take this picture because soon enough we are going to be complaining that the heat is never going to end.
We enjoy cold days. I never thought I'd ever say that after living in Iowa for 25 years.
Finally, I'll end with one of the new things Madelyn's been loving... Frozen.... Elsa and Anna... more specifically the song "Let it Go!"
For your viewing pleasure....
So there's a quick update of some of the latest on our end. I realize I'm missing lots of pictures of the boys. One of these days I'll try to snap some pictures of them walking to and from the van as we go from practice to game.
Until next time, could you please help me in sending healing wishes to Madelyn... who has been sleeping next to me for the last 5 hours trying to fight off this nasty bug...
Two Friday's ago it was Special Person's day at Michael and Isabelle's school. They were lucky enough to have three of their grandparents there to celebrate with them. The kids really enjoyed getting to show their school, classroom and lunch/recess to Nana, Papa and Grandpa.
Here are a few pictures of the fun they had.
Oh and Madelyn demanded some "Special Person's" time too.
We sure are grateful for all the Special People in our lives, especially our grandparents!
