Reflections...

This weekend was very quiet.  It was the first time in more than a month in a half that we didn't have something planned.  I was excited and looked forward to deep cleaning the house.  Although I didn't get as far as I would have hoped, I was able to clean out a few closet and sort through a few things that have been making me crazy.  Maybe we are the only house that you don't dare open a closet door for fear of everything falling out at you.  I guess maybe I shouldn't be so open about our secrets.

Anyway, while I was cleaning out the bathroom cabinets I came across this...

Sealed up tightly in two gallon size freezer bags, and shoved to the very back corner of the bathroom vanity were the remnants of what our life was like just four short years ago.  These pictures are the prescriptions from the drugs Jarrett had to take while he was going through chemotherapy.   In addition to the intravenous drugs he was given at the hospital for 8 hours every two weeks, these were the other drugs that made up his "chemo cocktail." 

As I pulled the baggies from the back of the cabinet toward me, the feelings I experience back then came rushing back just as quickly.  I remember the air being sucked out of my lungs when he called to tell me the doctor had just told him he had cancer, the feeling of helplessness as he went through test after test to figure out just how bad the prognosis was, how unfair and mad I was at God that he would put someone so great through something so horrible, how on the first night after learning the news how we tried to sleep and couldn't and how I had to hold my husband while he cried because he was worried he of what he was putting me through.  All of it, rushing back, as if I was going through it all over again.

As I reread the instructions of how to take each pill, I remember the confusion I felt as the doctors, nurses and pharmacists would recite the instructions and with so many pills to take, I feverishly wrote notes to make sure I didn't mess it up.  At the time they asked me to keep track of it as they thought the patient would have too much on his mind.  I agreed.

With each pill bottle in my hand and a 3x5 index card with a scribbled note of "Jarrett's Chemo Drugs" I asked myself why we hadn't thrown these out earlier.  It was then that I remembered Jarrett and I had talked about it and at the time he was ready to toss them out, it was me who wasn't.  At the time, I couldn't recall why I felt the urge to keep them but after rediscovering them this weekend, the reason was clear.

The past is a part of us and without our past, we would never be the person we are today.  As I ripped off each prescription label and tossed the container aside, I felt the pain I had been storing in my heart for the past 4 years release with every flick of the old pill bottle.  Meanwhile, I heard the boys in the other room giggling, running around and playing super heroes without a care in the world. Our past and going through that horrible, terrible life-changing moment had led us to where we are today. 

I know I'm lucky and that God sent us on this path for a reason.  At the time I didn't know why and I was surely angry at him for sending us down that road, I've realized that through that time he led us through and has blessed us with two amazingly wonderful boys that needed us as much as we needed them.

I will forever remember that time as the point in my life when I felt complete despair.  In a strange way, I appreciate it because it allowed me to see life in a whole new light.  I do not want to ever go back there, and I do not wish it upon anyone, but I am thankful for it, because it taught me to cherish everyday and that even when life is at its worse, it can and will get better.  The faith that we had brought us to where we are now.

I often times don't find the correct words to convey how thankful I am for the life I've been given.  I don't want to sound arrogant or like I'm bragging, but I just want to sound thankful.  Seeing these pill bottles reminded me that my life today could be 100% different and although I won't even put into words what that "different" could be, let me just say, that if there is such a thing as winning the lottery of life, I can say I've won it.

Until next time
Angie

Life as a single mom...

This weekend I've learned what it is like to be a single mom.  Man is it tough and I respect single parents more than ever. Jarrett is off, enjoying a well-deserved, (hopefully relaxing) vacation in New York City visiting his brother, Nolan.

That means I've had 100% responsibility of the boys, the dog, the house and everything else that is our life.  I think in a marriage it can become very easy, especially now that we have children, to feel like the weight of the world is resting on your own shoulders and often times, you can begin to feel like you are doing more than your partner.  I admit, I'm guilty of it.  I know Jarrett works very hard, cares for our family and does a million things to keep this ship sailing, but like the saying goes, until your walking in that person's shoes, you have no idea what their feet do. 

Thankfully, this weekend I had a chance to walk in his shoes.  Now I didn't go out and offer any legal advice, but I did assume his roles around the house.  Here are a few of the observations I've made...

• I do NOT carry 100% of the responsibilities around the house.
• When Jarrett is gone and the trash is over flowing, it doesn't automatically disappear like it does when he's here.
• Jack requires at least two walks a day and will let you know about it if you try and cut him short on one.
• Jack needs to be fed twice a day, not twice in 4 days.  Seriously, I just realized today that he's been out of food and after thinking about it, I realized Thursday was the last day I refilled his dish.  Good thing he likes table scraps.
• It is really cold still in the middle of the night when you have to take Jack out to pee.
• Putting the trash out on the curb is a pain in the butt.  After messing around with the darn broken gate and then searching for 10 minutes just to find the key to unlock the padlock, I seriously contemplated how bad the trash would smell if I just skipped this week and waited until Jarrett was back next week to put the trash out.
• I have no idea about the finances in our home.  I just go about my daily activities spending money and trusting Jarrett has taken care of everything to make sure we have enough.  As they started to collect the offering at church today, it hit me that I didn't have our weekly check.  I scrambled to dig for any sort of cash I had in my purse.  Thankfully, I found  a few bucks thanks to a co-worker who paid me back for a lunch I covered for her last week. 
• The boys never slow down and demand full energy from the moment they wake up (Saturday at 4:50 a.m., I'm so happy the sun is coming up early these days... NOT) until bedtime (8:00 p.m.).  I'm usually prepared but I've realized not having someone to "tag in" when your in a needing a rest, is hard. 

I guess all of these observations have led me to one big conclusion...

I miss my husband and I need him!

This experiment was good for both of us.  I realized how lucky I am and I think he realizes how he misses us too.  When he left on Thursday of last week he said, "I don't know if I'll have too much time to talk so I'll just call you once when I'm free.  That way you don't have to call me."  Okay I responded but please leave your phone on in case there is an emergency.  After he said, "Well I hope if there is an emergency you'll call 911 first (smarty pants)... he said, okay and we parted ways with the understanding we'd probably only talk once a day.  Since he's left he's called me about 5 times a day just to check in and see what we are doing.  He's said countless times how much he misses us, especially the boys and the dog. 

I think we'll all be happy to get back into our normal, crazy, hectic and wonderful routine.

Until next time,
Angie

From the mouths of babes...

For the last two days I've been trying to keep track of just a few of the funny, strange, warm-hearted and unique observations and questions that comes out of the boy's mouth.  Here are just a few...

Michael:  Mommy, do dinosaurs have a shadow?

After Gabriel had spent more than 25 minutes coloring a picture in a coloring book, he stopped coloring looked up and said, "Mommy, I think Grandma Virginia would like this, can we send it to her in Heaven?"

Michael:  Mommy, ice looks like peaches."

Gabriel: "Mom, sometimes you do good things and you don't get treats."

Michael: "Mommy, does candy melt in cars?"

Until next time,
Angie

St. Patrick, the Visiting Leprechaun...

I'm sure for the Irishmen and women out there, the story of the visitng Lephrechaun is as old as St. Patrick's Day itself; but for us the story is new.

See we had a visitor come to see us when we were all fast asleep. 

He says he danced a jig, and doesn't wear a wig. 

He left us a wee bit of gold, and disappeared before the sun rose.

His name is St. Patrick the Leprehchaun, and this is how his story goes.

He comes at night, but not to fright... for two boys were snuggled in tight.

But when they awoke, they saw a great sight.

For St. Patrick had left them his gold, alright!

They jumped out of bed, but didn't hit their head.

They raced for the money, and shouted "That Leprechaun's funny"

 And when they put their money away, they said, "Mom, can he stay?"

I asked where he was at, and they looked for his hat.

Out the window they glance, but there was no chance...

 For St. Patrick was gone but he was no con. 

His visit was great and  it made the boy's state...

Happy St. Patrick's Day to you and to all of your mates!

 Until next time,

Angie

The Ostrich Festival...

Yesterday we were able to attend Chandler's annual Ostrich Festival.  Thanks Anita for the tickets.  We had a wonderful day enjoying the warm Arizona sunshine as well as the festivities provided at the festival.

The first thing we did was attend the jousting event.  Dad was very excited about this aspect.  We were running a few minutes late getting out of the house but Jarrett made up for it when we arrived at the park.  I haven't seen dad walk that fast to get somewhere in a very long time.

Here are some photos from that show...

After watching the "Lords" fight until their death, or until they loaded up the loser on a golf cart and hauled him out of the ring, we moved on to visit the stars of the festival... the Ostriches.

We told the boys they were going to be having ostrich races where people would ride on them but it wasn't of too much interest to the boys.    In fact, after I asked the boys if they wanted to go to the ostrich races they said, "No Mom, you can go ride an ostrich, we'll go ride the Ferris wheel with dad."  Guess you can see where I rate huh?

As we moved through the festival we came to the main stage area, where we found the VIP tent (thanks again Anita for the tickets) as well as the wide open grass that the boys LOVED to run around in.  And when I say boys, I don't just mean Michael and Gabriel.

There was also some great music.  Here the boys are dancing to a Led Zeppelin cover band.  I had no idea they were such big fans.  Okay maybe this was the first time they had heard the music and were just getting into the moment.

Here's a short video of Michael dancing and singing along. Wait, maybe he's singing something else... could it be the famous Beber song?

And then there was the ride we did take on the Ferris wheel.  They actually let me go with them.  Gabriel was really excited, can you tell what Michael thought of it?

Then there was the "princess" Michael just had to have his picture with.  Originally he thought she was Princess Jasmine but I explained that she was Ms. Chandler.  Michael insisted and said, "No Mom, she's Princess Chandler" and I just went with it...

I'm not sure if that's his "Mom, I'm picking up this girl, please leave me alone" look or exactly what he was trying to say with that smirk.

As the sun started going down we found a great spot to sit inside the fenced-in tent area and waited for the Eddie Money concert to begin. I guess you could say we are fans of this 80's band and Eddie Money.  He holds a special spot in Jarrett and my heart because 10 years ago we went to his concert at the Casino in Tama before Jarrett left for a long semester abroad in Europe. At the time, 10 years ago, we laughed about going to the concert as Jarrett had won free tickets, but once getting there, we found ourselves enjoying the 80's music and the fun people watching.  There were so many people who had not left 1989and stilll had the black leather pants, the poofy hair and the mullets. It was a fun evening then and last night was the same. While Jarrett and I reminisced about our "concert date" now 10 years ago, we also talked about our life today and the journey we've taken so far to get here. While we sat back and enjoyed the world passing around us, the boys were in having a ball running around, making pretend camp fires out of sticks and leaves, making grass angels and doing gymnastics in the leaves. At one point after running around for 2 hours, they sat down to watch and listen to the music.

Oh and another funny story I just have to share. It seemed other parents had the same idea we did. Sitting inside the fenced-in area was the perfect way to sit and enjoy the day, but also make sure the kids couldn't get too far away. Jarrett described it as a giant play pen. At one point the boys had about 10 other kids running around with them, and then there was this one little boy. His dad seemed to be pretty busy drinking the free beer, so we watched as he tried to play with the boys. Jarrett and I were talking and then we looked over to see this...

The little boy started to take his clothes off.  Given that we've had the "naked" talk and how we don't get naked in front of others, Gabriel must have figured this was too much for Michael's innocent eyes to see. 

All in all, we had a wonderful day at the Ostrich Festival. I'll conclude with a shot of dad.  His look pretty much sums up how we all felt as we got in the car and went home.

We all slept like babies!

Until next time,

angie

The story in his hands...

For the last 10 days my grandpa Ray has been out to visit us from Iowa.  He was brave enough to join our crazy house and stay with us.  It has been a wonderful visit.  The boys love to greet him in the morning and race into the house every night after school to say hi.  Then at bedtime they race to give him a hug and even more fun in between those times.

This past weekend the boys were watching Mary Poppins when Grandpa decided to sit down with them.  First Gabriel was sitting next to Grandpa and then he moved so Michael moved into his spot.  Within a few moments, I saw Michael reach over and gently slide his hand into Grandpa's.  He began to rub his fingers over the wrinkles in his forehand and over the calloused bumps on his fingers.  He looked up at Grandpa and asked him why his hand had wrinkles and bumps.  Grandpa graciously answered his questions, and in that moment I realized the full circle of life and how blessed I am to share my wonderful Grandfather with my boys and visa versa. 

The stories I'm sure my grandfather's hands could tell would wonder my 3-year old Michael for hours.  As I watched them interact, I wondered if my grandfather had done the same thing to his great-grandparents more than 80 years ago.  It was a moment when I realized how quickly time passes and how my grandfather probably wishes he could go back in time and relive the wonderful days when his children were young and his wife, my grandmother, was back by his side.

Everyone always says, "Cherish every moment because they go by so quickly." and in that second I realized just how true that statement is.

I pray that I always cherish these moment and learn to celebrate the wrinkles in my hands.  For wrinkles are the souvenirs of life and I have sure been given a great one.

Until next time,
Angie

Shoes for Brakes

Gabriel has been riding his bike a lot lately.  He's mastered the training-wheelless riding and can race down the side walk with ease.  The one thing he hasn't mastered is choosing the actual brakes on the bike to stop.  Instead he uses his shoes.  Here's my evidence.

Exhibit A:

A lovely pair of shoes.

Exhibit B

Notice the damage to the front of the shoes

Exhibit C

A close of up of the front right shoe.

Exhibit D

A full-frontal view of the damage

Exhibit E

A huge hole.

We will be working on using the bike brakes before riding the bike with our new pair of shoes.

Until next time,
Angie