A mixed emotions Mother's Day

I debated this year about posting the traditional picture of the kids and I smiling after church and elaborate about much love  I feel on Mother's Day, but then  I decided I wanted instead to get real.

The truth is this is one of those difficult days.  Days when I feel so many emotions, I'm rather it just be any other day.

Flashback 15 plus years...when Jarrett and I were dating and talking about our future together, I always pictured being a mom.  I thought about how amazing Mother's Day was going to be.  I wondered if I'd feel the same way I felt as a kid on Christmas morning.  Happiness and joy like no other morning.

When  we got married and our future together as husband and wife started, it wasn't long after when people asked us, "So when are you going to have kids?"  "Are you pregnant yet?" Time went  by, the excuses changed, the answers different but the questions just as common.  I continued to dream of Mother's Day and began to long for it more and more.

We moved to Arizona, started our professional lives and while the desire and wish to be a mom was always there, tried to think of the time just as "us" as fleeting moments to soak up and enjoy.  And then friends starting growing their families.  The bridal showers turned into baby shower invites, and beautiful pictures of baby announcements...  moments of true joy for others.  Oh how I longed to be the one sending the announcement.

And that's when the celebration of Mother's Day started to shift and be viewed in a different lens for me.   When it become the years of failed fertility treatments were marked by another "un-Mother's day celebration"   A reminder of the group I so desperately wanted to include myself in and so clearly knew I didn't belong  to.

The dream to be a mother so strong it led us to adoption and then the wait continued. a year was about to pass and I remember talking to Jarrett's mom in April walking in the Pat's Run and feeling so  uncertain if I was ever going to be a mom.  The  doubt and fear that maybe I just wasn't supposed to be a mom was my destiny.  Maybe  I wasn't worthy of being a mom and that's why God  wouldn't allow me  to  carry a child.  And then when we had been certified to adopt for such a long time and still  weren't picked... it was like a stamp on a mailed letter to be dropped in the mail... nothing holding back the truth the letter held.

And then only a few days later my dream, our dream came true.  We were called to be Gabriel and Michael's parents.  It was like Christmas morning.  It was just like the  dream I  held onto for  so long.  Love like no other feeling.  My dream... finally a reality and that  first mother's day, it was just as good as I wished  for  so long.  I can still read that first Mother's Day post and feel the happiness in the words I typed.

Oh those first days of being a mom were filled with such happiness, I vowed that I would never take the  word "Mom" as one of my titles  for granted.

And then we got the  call that Isabelle was waiting for us and getting to be a mom to a baby made me feel like my wishes were answered.  I got to be mom  to two little boys and a baby girl.... all those years, all that sadness, that hardship and not understanding was finally clear... I had lacked patience in waiting for the picture to unfold.

But there I was in May of 2012, the  mother to three beautiful children, that were I believe put on this earth as gifts and I was lucky enough to be chosen as their mother. Mother's day was finally giving me the feeling I thought every other mother in  this world  must feel... happiness and joy.

And then 2015 came and we found out I was going to be a mother in a different way... I was going to be able to carry a baby inside of me.  I had always longed to experience pregnancy.  To feel a child grow, thrive and kick inside of me.  To be a mother in a way of giving one life.  I remember that mother's day when I was pregnant with Noah and thinking, "Wow, life can't get any better!"  Man  I was so so happy that Mother's Day.

Didn't know it at the time, but Noah and I had just finished a half marathon!

And then we went to Disneyland immediately after.  I always smile thinking in some way he got to go with us.

And then Noah came early and left us too early.  When he passed I knew I'd never feel the same way  about Mother's Day again.  In the midst of grief I found myself wondering how mothers who loose their babies ever found Mother's Day to be happy.  I remember feeling so hurt that  God  would take him away.  Again I felt, I must not be deserving or a good enough mother or person to deserve him.  That is why he had to leave.

To save my life Madelyn was sent and she was the reason I kept myself going.  I lived for her by taking care of myself those  9 months  I carried her inside of me.  As I grew to be a whale those last few weeks of pregnancy, I worried everyday if she would be taken from me too.  I just wanted her to be in my arms healthy and full of life.

And then she was here.... Joy like the day Gabriel, Michael, Isabelle and Noah were born.  Love refilled a hurting heart.

 That mother's day after losing Noah and almost expecting Madelyn was one of mixed emotions.  I was so thankful for Gabriel, Michael, Isabelle and  the baby wriggling around  inside of me, but I also felt shattered that Noah  was not with  me.  Why did my heart have to feel so hurt and broken on a day when I was supposed to feel such happiness?

How can I not feel sadness when this day is a reminder of how hard of a journey it was to get to this point?  How can I not feel joy when I look at the blessings in my life?  How can my heart not ache on this day when it is such a clear reminder of the mothering I feel  cheated out of?  How do I not feel  angry that God took him away?

As much as Mother's Day is a reminder of my dreams come true, it is also a reminder of just how much  hurt, sadness and even anger this day is associated with.  I feel  guilty saying these things when I know I should just be grateful. I should just look at the positive.. I have four (currently fighting) children and that is 4 more than some long-to-be mothers have.  Who am I to complain when I have been given so much?

It's how I feel.  So I share it here, because it is my feeling, my journey, my struggle, my joy.

Being a mom has been the hardest role I've ever held.   It has been the biggest dream I've held for my entire life and I'm so grateful it came true.  I love these children I get to raise more than anything else, and  I would give up everything I had, including my life, if it meant it would make their lives better (and bring him back).

It's also the job that is the hardest, most frustrating, under-appreciated, and aggravating title I've held.  Not going to lie, I get tired of the laundry, the constant picking up of  the animals (children), the fighting, the talking back, the bickering, the "you-don't-know-anything Mom" conversations, the cooking of food (when they'd really just rather have cereal and tell you that after you've made a full meal), the dirty sand, socks, stinky jocks, Lord-help-me shoes that  are always in my way...  I had better stop.

Somedays it can get overwhelming and I wonder if I'm doing anything good, other than failing at everything.  I get tired of the arguments and the battle for why homework is important... but in the end, I go to bed exhausted and frustrated. Then something magical happens overnight and I wake up more determined and persistent than ever, that I'm going to keep trying.  Because I care too much, I'm  more stubborn than them and driven to help them be the best they can be.  And  so I keep up the fight because those crazy 4 kids that drive me crazy (literally), have broken more things than I can count, including my body and hearing, have given more me more than just gray hair.

They've given me purpose, a reason to believe the world is going to be better in their future and God willing, I want to be part of the reason they look back and say, "If it wasn't for my stressed out, tougher than nails on me mom, I wouldn't have done all I've done.-  Thanks  Mom!"  While it might only be a dream that I hear those words one day, I"m determined to keep trying.

Because I think my mom and the moms before her have  all done the same things for us.  And  boy am I thankful for my mom.  Because I wouldn't be here without  my mom pushing me  to do better, giving her all to make my life easier and because of her love.

So that's why it's a mixed emotions Mother's Day.  While we look all peaceful and presentable in the pictures... what you really can't see is were just getting by day by day with this uncertain mom, doing the best she can.

Until next  time,

Happy Mother's Day to all those longing to be, just granted the title, those in the trenches fighting the good fight, those doubting their abilities and afraid they are doing it  all wrong... And to  those  mom who led the way and set the bar to high.  We love all the moms!

Some new accessories...

Isabelle recently went to an eye specialist for a cyst that has been growing on her eyelid.  We were surprised to learn (I say surprised because we had just gone to the eye doctor last fall) that Isabelle needs glasses.

She was pretty excited to hear she needed glasses.  Although she was pretty bummed to see they didn't have any Paw Patrol or My Little Pony glasses for her to choose from.

So instead she picked ones with cute butterflies on the side.

She's been doing a great job wearing them and actually says they help her see better.  Maybe we should have gotten a second opinion last fall when the doc said, "Her vision is great!"

Of course the boys blame it on her watching too much TV.

Needless to say, I can't help but think, as I look at her in the mirror that I'm looking at my 12 year old daughter, not my 6 year old.

She looks super cute though, if your asking for my biased opinion.

Until next time,

Angie

Family bowling... first time for everything....

And if we were going to determine how often we go again, on how stressful it was, last weekend may have been our last time as well.

Dad's been having to work a ton with everything going on at his new job and the kids and I were excited when he said he had Sunday evening to spend with us.  Michael suggested we go bowling and we thought it was a great idea.  Isabelle's only gone maybe once in her life  bowling an Madelyn never has.

So we loaded the crew up and went.

We seriously have a big enough family to make our own league team.  

Everyone picked out their own ball, we got our shoes and of course the boys were racing to get started.  We decided to do girls on one lane and boys on the other.

 Madelyn went for the first time and loved it!

So much so that she thought everytime should be her turn. 

"Madelyn's turn" she kept saying over and over

And then she's dance at the end.

Dad came out of bowling retirement to show the boys how good he really is.

And here's Isabelle showing us her skills  as well.  The first time they brought the ramp for her to use, she thought you put the ball on top and then pushed the ramp all the way down the lane.  Thankfully I caught her about half way down!  (again did I say it was stressful?)

 Soon she got the hang of it and was a pro...

Yay!  She followed up each one with a dance too!

And then sporty spice... he wanted to throw the ball as hard and as fast as he could.  I kept telling him it wasn't like pitching in baseball, but he didn't seem to hear (that selective hearing teenagers have).

Michael did a great job too and after I told him not to focus so much on the score and just having fun he enjoyed it even more.  Instead of trying to have the highest score in pins knocked down I think he decided to have the highest score in how many pieces of pizza he could eat... Seriously think he ate 6 huge slices!

 Here's Madelyn angry it isn't her turn and that Isabelle went.  She said, "Madelyn's turn!"  

Here are the girls scores... A is Angie, I is Isabelle and M is Madelyn.

For some reason the boys didn't want me to post theirs... perhaps its that the girls beat them... but I cannot confirm nor deny those rumors... Okay I'll totally confirm it.

Yay for girls!

 While our first time bowling as a family was chaotic, I think that's our game.  Chaos!  If we'd have a league name, it would seem pretty fitting.

The point was to spend some time together and we sure did.

It was a lot of fun and we look forward to next time.

Until next time,

Angie

So proud of her! Isabelle's surgery

Today Isabelle had surgery to remove a growth that formed on her eyelid in the last 4 months.  It has been something that started out as a tiny red dot on her eye lid and turned into a growth that grew to the size of a pencil eraser. 

Not only was it the cause for being teased at school and other place (which broke my heart for her) but also had become a huge nuisance for her.  We went to the doctor almost 2 months ago and he decided to first try treating it with a steroid cream, which actually only made it grow larger.  We learned that is connected to a blood vessel so that it had the potential to bleed a lot of it was disturbed.  And recently we learned just how much it can bleed.

Just one of the many times recently it has broken open and blood streams down her face. (sorry a bit graphic)

 Last week it started bleeding and it took a long time to get it to stop.  I called the doctor back up and asked to be seen.  Upon looking at it he decided the surgery he had scheduled for early June needed to be moved up.

Today was the day!  Madelyn, Isabelle and I arrived at the hospital and got check in.  Soon there after Dad and Nana and Papa came as well.  Isabelle was ecstatic to see the thoughtful gifts Nana and Papa brought her.  She was so excited with the gifts she didn't even think twice about what was ahead.  They had brought her a special sleeping bag for her babies (handmade with love from Nana), a Paw Patrol toy, a special Hatchmals set and a yummy cookie.  She's probably ready to sign up for surgery everyday with the gift she received! :-)

Mom I'm SO ready to get this thing off my eye!

To give her a heads up, Isabelle and I had many conversations about what was going to happen before we got to today.  We presented it not as something scary but just as something that would help her get it removed.  She'd go to the doctors, they'd give her medicine to take a nap, and when she woke up, it would be gone. 

She waited patiently in the pre-op room, even though she was starving and hadn't had anything to drink for more than 12 hours. 

We gave Isabelle an LOL ball (thing)- not even sure what it is and she was so excited.  While we had to wait an extra long time to have an OR open up so we let her open up her toy to keep her distracted.  She was so excited, she immediately started to play and forgot about what was going on around her.

So much so that when the anesthesiologist came out and Isabelle was gone playing in the restroom to fill up the bottle she got.  The doctor said, "Where's my patient?" with a smile on his face.  

He then told her a joke about bears...

What do you call a bear with no teeth? 

A GUMMY bear of course!!!

We thought it was funny!

  She had the surgery at Phoenix Children's Hospital and they were wonderful, except for the part their OR was delayed so her surgery was pushed back later than it was supposed to be.  Not that big of deal, except Isabelle was really hungry and thirsty. 

After waiting around a long time, Dad had to return to work.  Isabelle hugged him goodbye and we waited a bit more.

Soon her surgeon appeared and marked her left eye with his initials so they would be sure to operate on the correct eye.

And then, it was finally time.  A kind nurse came to get her (man do I love nurses) and said, "It's time to come with me to the giraffe room.  Give mom a hug, she needs it more than you."  Isabelle did and then without a single moment of hesitation she walked off with Wendy.  

No matter how big she gets, I don't think I'll ever stop feeling like part of my heart, my baby is walking away from me.  She was brave.  I got my courage from her.

Back to the waiting room I went, where Papa and Madelyn were waiting.  Nana graciously went off to fetch  Michael for me from school as the surgery didn't start when it was supposed to and he was going to be at the bus stop waiting.  Thankful for both of them being there today to shower Isabelle with love and provide support to us.

They told us the procedure would take an hour so I went out to the waiting room and watched as the sign switched from pre-op to procedure in progress and then about 15 minutes later to post-op.

Her surgeon came out and explained that things went well.  The growth was sent off to pathology and we would get the results in a week.  He said she did great and was a trooper.  Relief.

We updated the family with text messages and then a few minutes later the door to the secret world of the OR opened and a nurse said, "The family of Isabelle..." 

I popped up and headed toward the door as Madelyn screamed she wanted to go back to.  Thankfully Papa distracted her right away.  I was super anxious to get back to the room where she was.  The nurse explained she was wonderful and the team loved her.  She climbed up on the bed without any fear, not a tear was shed and soon she was sleeping like a princess.  

And that's when we turned the corner and I saw her...

She really did look like a sleeping beauty.  

No more growth.  She looked back to the way I've always seen her.  Beautiful as ever.

The nurse thought she was about to wake up but after about 20 minutes of no movement, she decided to try to wake her up.  Isabelle was super groggy but woke up happy and hungry.

The nurse asked her is she wanted some apple juice.  To which Isabelle said, "Can I have a Popsicle?" The nurse joked, "Let's have juice first."    

She downed the juice and went right for the crackers and gold fish.

All the while Isabelle ate her snacks she watched as the nurse removed the IV from her ankle.  Thankfully she didn't realize that it was put in with a needle otherwise she would have freaked out.  

It's funny how when you don't know, it isn't scary.  The nurse pulled out the catheter and she didn't flinch.  

After the IV was out we got her changed and the nurse said, "She's okay to leave now."

She instructed me to go get the car and she would wheel Isabelle to the car." 

Papa, Madelyn and I walked to the car and pulled up.  The nurse was outside waiting and we helped Isabelle into the car.  

Soon we were heading home!

Isabelle was super tired and ended up falling asleep in Madelyn's bed and I think she would have slept all afternoon and evening. 

So glad this procedure is behind us, behind her.  Now we just hope for positive test results.  

Love looking at her knowing this is all over!

Until next time,

Angie