The grief these days is different than it was a few months ago. Where the tears just a few months seemed to never stop, now they come at times when I least expect it, or when I think I'm doing okay.
Last Saturday morning I sat in the chair and reflected on life with the front door opened to let in the morning's cool breeze. I listened as Jarrett and the boys played catch outside, as Isabelle sang songs to her dollies in her room and with all the noise happening around me, I still felt like something was missing. Then I realized, it was Noah's voice... a tiny baby cry, or a giggle. I wonder what noises he would be making if he were still with us. I looked to my left, saw the picture of his precious face in the picture in our stand and the tears came again.
I miss him so dearly, I long to hold him in my arms, to be able to smell him again, to kiss his silky soft skin. Its moments like that when I really stop to think what life was suppose to be like, that the grief is overwhelming again.
These last 5 months have been the hardest days of my entire life, of all our lives. Yes, they are easier than the days from the end of June and July, but they more difficult than any of my hardest days before Noah came to us.
The truth is, I'm finding more peace with living here and having Noah as an angel above. I look for his signs, he sends them regularly for which I'm so thankful and I talk to him as if he were able to hear what I say. I don't like the reality that we live in but with no choice to change it, I'm trying to find ways to accept it and remain connected to him.
People always ask me about how the kids are and for the most part they are okay. I've seen us all struggle this fall and don't know if I can attribute it all to the great loss we suffered. Jarrett and I try to parent to the best of our ability, but find many days we struggle just ourselves to get through the day. As parents, our patience is tested, our will weakened, and some days the struggle too real. The boys have acted in ways that we don't support. quite regularly these last several months.. more lying, deceitful behavior and arguing tendencies like we have never seen. I suppose its because all of us are more stressed than we have ever been. Its days when they seem to demonstrate all those negative behaviors at once that I look to the sky and ask "why?"
I don't get a response. So we keep on keeping on. I've come to grow so reliant upon Jarrett, it scares me sometimes as I use to think of myself as a strong independent woman, I realize now I need him more than ever. He willingly takes on more and more as I try to get through the day without raising my stress levels too high. I'm so thankful for him, I try to be there for him although I know its nothing like what he gives to us.
This is the first month since this journey began that I woke up and with the feeling of acceptance in our reality. I say again, I WILL NEVER like it, NEVER be okay with what happened, but I accept it today.
Jarrett and I continue to give thanks for all that we have for we know our lives are so blessed. So many continue to check in on us, send messages of hope, of support, of love. So many continue to keep us in their thoughts and prayers and feel the strength from those actions. I'm starting to find glimpses of joy in thinking about things in the future. I haven't gotten to trust that the future is going to be what I hope or plan, but I try to find things within my control that can give me glimpses of joy. I live very much in the moment, for I've learned that's really all we have. Like this afternoon, Michael was recognized at school for demonstrating the quality of hope. Jarrett came home early to go the awards assembly and Isabelle and I joined him. Afterwards Jarrett, whose been wanting to see the new Peanuts movie, suggested we go to it. We spontaneously decided to go and as I sat in the theater with our family, enjoying a movie together and eating popcorn, I realized how lucky and thankful I should be for all that I have.
I also realize that today was a very joyous day for many people and through their happiness I feel excitement for them. A friend who has been a foster mother to a beautiful boy for quite some time emailed me today to share the news they get to adopt him. She thanked me for being a role model and for sharing our journey. While I definitely don't feel like a role model, I am so excited for her and what the future holds ahead for them as they finalize the adoption and become a forever family.
Another friend, who was a high school classmate of Jarrett and mine, celebrated her birthday today and also the great victory of taking home her beloved baby today. Her daughter was also born prematurely, after 162 days in the NICU, she finally is going home. I can't imagine how sweet tonight must feel for them. She and I reconnected over many messages, texts and picture exchanges these last few months. I am overjoyed that their NICU journey has ended with such a fantastic result.
And then there's my sister, her husband and their children Mason and Willa. Today, after more than a year and 2 months of fostering their son,today they adopted him and became a forever family. I remember the first day Megan and Adam welcomed Mason into their home, he was so tiny, barely over 5 pounds. I prayed that they that they would get to keep him forever, and today their dreams came true. Mason is such a wonderful thriving toddler, so happy and in love with Megan, Adam and his baby sister Willa. As much as Mason is a gift to them, Mason won the lottery in finding his perfect family. It's a match made in Heaven.
So that is where we are. Some days life feels tolerable, others overwhelming, but I'm learning I think that's the life we live in the midst of grief. I continue to count my blessings for so many of you, you've held me up so many times when I didn't feel strong enough to do it myself. You've given me hope, encouragement, love and kindness and reminded me in so many ways that I am so blessed, we are blessed.
I miss Noah, we miss Noah, and while he isn't physically here, I still feel him everywhere. I found this quote the other day and it kind of reminds me of where we are right now. Of course I love it because it talks about rainbows but it honestly explains most days how I feel...
Noah, I miss you. I love you forever my precious angel. Until we see each other again... love, Mommy
Until next time...
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