Happy fourth birthday Noah!

Four years ago tonight, I laid in a hospital bed completely unaware that in less than 5 hours I would be giving birth to you, our miracle little boy.  Noah, I remember that night thinking that I was feeling warmer than normal and the contractions were still coming more regularly, but I had no idea that meant you were needing to come sooner rather than later. Hooked up to the monitor I heard your heart rate, knew it was a bit higher than normal but assumed all was well.  My mother in law sat with me as Jarrett had gone home for the first time in a few days to shower, grab new clothes and check in with the family there.  Kristal, our amazing nurse, popped in every once in a while to check things and while I think back now and wonder if she was trying to get my attention, she was patient and kind as always.

Soon Jarrett had returned, Nana went home for the evening and Kristal reappeared.  She shared with us that they were concerned that your heart rate was higher, and that perhaps you were developing an infection after going almost a week without any fluid.  She said that the doctors would be down but that they would be moving me to the labor and delivery side and that they were removing the magnesium.  I was so scared Noah, I was so worried for technically we were only 23 weeks and 6 days and with so many questions, my first one was if they would try to save you... for 24 weeks was their cut off for viability.

The next few hours were a whirlwind… Dr. Hollar, the doctor on call that night, came in to talk with us, the doctors from the NICU tried to prepare us for what we would expect.  It was all so scary, and at the same time I could feel the contractions getting stronger and stronger.  After the many visits from the professionals with their opinions and feedback, Kristal was back to get me moved over.  I looked up from her, and said, "Kristal, I"m so scared. We never even took a birthing class, I don't know what to do."  She calmly and with complete reassurance explained as best she could and that I could do it.  Typically the nurses in antepartum don't move over to the other side where deliveries take place, so she told me she would probably be passing me over to another nurse.  I wished she could stay with me, her calming personality was so reassuring. Thankfully that wish would come true.

Once moved over to a delivery room, she helped me get hooked up to the monitor and soon the contractions were coming one after another.  I tried to breathe through them while trying to stay calm for you.  I remember staring up at the curtain rod above a window way above my head.  That was my focal point.  Labor, while the most painful physical experience I had ever endured, seemed to move quickly and soon they were getting ready for me to push.  Dr. Hollar appeared and asked me to get an epidural as she thought it would help make the pushing more smooth and less traumatic for you.  Hearing that I didn't disagree.  Soon a long needle was in my back, relieving so much pain and I was pushing.  It was only a matter of a couple pushes and there you were.  The most beautiful experience of my life.  You let out a tiny cry and were rushed over to a bed where a whole team of doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists and more worked on you.  I was so scared, so happy, so relieved you were alive and so in love.  It was a mixture of all the emotions one could feel all at the same time.

My first picture of you!

While I never got to hold or touch you, they did show me you in the bed with the breathing tube in, before they whisked you off to the NICU.  Dad followed behind and I was left in a much quieter room to finish the rest of the delivery part.

What would I give to touch those precious fingers now.  

Noah, you had made me a mom for the fourth time.  You had given me a gift that night in allowing me to experience what I believe is one of the greatest gifts this life brings and you had taught me the power of instant love in one of the scariest, hardest moments I had been given.  It was only the start of the gifts you and your life would bring.

Tonight I sit in bed and think about what life would be like if you were here.  I find myself looking for young boys that I believe to be your age and I wonder... would you be like them?  Would you look like dad or I? Would you personality be easy-going or more emotional (like your mom)?  I'm sure you would look up to your big brothers with almost heroic views.  And I'm sure they'd love being your teachers for baseball and showing you all sorts of trouble you could get in with their crazy ideas.  And I'm sure Isabelle would be a great "little mom" for you telling you what to do and what not to do.  And Madelyn, probably you two would fight over toys.  

Noah I wonder what life would be like with you here and yet in a way I still feel you are here.  There was recently an article in the news about a person who wrote a letter to Dear Abby (she's an advice columnist).  The letter was about a mom who had lost her baby too and how she still honored and celebrated her child's birthday.  The author of the letter asked Dear Abby her thoughts on this.  Abby responded with a criticism saying the mom needed to move on and that it was probably inappropriate to talk about her deceased child and to celebrate their birthday.  I read the response and I felt so sad for the response this person was given.

Noah, while you are not physically here, you are physically, emotionally and spiritually a part of me for the rest of my life.  While I don't get to see you grow, mark you height charts on the wall or watch you throw a ball, swim or make a funny face when you eat something sour, I will, for the rest of my life continue to remember, to honor and to share who you were. 

Noah because of you our life is better.  Because of you, our life has been blessed in countless ways.  Because you lived and you had to leave us so soon, I am a different person.  I see the world in ways I could have never envisioned on June 12, 2015.  Noah because of you, we have been given so much kindness, we have met strangers that became the best of friends, we have grown to appreciate those in our lives more than we did before.  And Noah because of you, I dream of someday, when my job and time here is done, that we can be together again.  

Noah, I see now that you were sent here to teach me so much.  To show me how to live differently, how to make the most of the time we are given, to follow my dreams so matter how scary or crazy others may think they are.  

Noah, you've taught me to look to the sky for beauty, to watch for signs as I truly know they are from you.  Noah, you've taught me that love doesn't die when some one's body does.  And Noah, you remind me to always believe in the impossible,  for they told us your life would be impossible in this world, and you showed them it wasn't true.

Noah, my precious angel baby, while my heart longs for you always and I wish you were here, I accept our lives are separated for now.  I try to do my best to honor your life and to live for you.  Tomorrow we will visit your one and only home in this world and share gifts of kindness with others, like we were given when you arrived.  We will spend the day as a family giving thanks for each other and we will reminisce about those moments we shared.

I don't know if they celebrate birthdays in Heaven, maybe only birthdays of when you arrive there instead.  But I hope our loves ones with you will give you an extra hug and a kiss from your momma.  Noah, my love for you never ends and I send the happiest of birthday wishes to you.  

Happy 4th birthday of your birth in our lives.

Sending my love through the skies....
Mom