Noah's Kindness Project: #11 and 12 Blessings for Banner

From June 8 through the 25, Jarrett, Noah and I lived most of our lives inside the walls of the Banner Desert Medical Center.  It was the scariest, most difficult and also the most blessed time in our lives.  Everyday presented us with challenges to endure, fears to face, and worries to overcome, and yet those were some of our greatest days.

We were cared for like we were family, treated like we were the most important people in the entire hospital and blessed countless times over.

The moment we thought about doing something in honor of Noah on October 3, finding a way to give back to Banner was the first act of kindness we set our sights on.  Our final two acts of kindness will be reciprocating some of the kindness we received by paying it forward for Banner staff and community... 

11) Staff Thank you: While the hospital was where all the kindness was given, it was because of the amazing nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, and staff that we were blessed.  And now it is our turn to return the blessings, to reciprocate some of the gifts we were given, to those hard-working, caring miracle workers that shared their kindness with us.  On Saturday, October 3 at 11:30 a.m. as we gift the Banner community with our kindness.  We will present the team in the antepartum and NICU units with a thank you gift in memory of our son.

12) NICU Care Packages: Additionally, we will gift handmade creations of love to other families in the NICU.   Our gifts, thanks to Nana and our friends Trudi and Sonya, will include infant snuggle sacks, crochet blankets, preemie sized knitted hats, and heart shaped scent cloths. Each item was created from our hands and our love was poured into them.  It is our hope that as future NICU families receive them, they feel the love that was shared as it was created.

After delivering our gifts to Banner, we will write our wishes and messages of love to send to Heaven.  Shortly after noon we will release a rainbow collection of balloons with our messages of love into the sky. 

If you'd like to contribute items to donate to the NICU and/or even to join us as we thank the Banner community, please let us know, by clicking here.  

Sharing blessings with the Banner Community is important for me, as I want them to know how thankful we are they treated us so kindly.  And by sharing gifts with other NICU families, it is our hope that their experience is the same as ours... bountiful blessings of love and kindness.  I will always feel a connection to that hospital in Mesa.  I can't drive on the 101 or the 60 without thinking of our many trips to and from that hospital.  It was a place where our miracle baby first experienced life outside me, where he fought so valiantly to stay with us, and also the place where part of my heart left me as my son left me behind in this world.  The nurses, doctors,  respiratory therapists, clergy, and social workers were there to help us through each and every moment and that is a blessing we will never forget.

  I look forward to many things about a week from today but one of the acts of kindness I look most forward to is saying thank you to many familiar faces I've missed since we walked out of that hospital over three months ago for the last time.  Instead of being sad this time, I hope the feelings are of happiness, of gratitude in being able to pay it forward and then... I look forward to watching as our wishes to Noah are released into the sky with a rainbow of colors floating up to heaven.

Until next time,

Angie

 

Noah’s death wasn't bad.

Three months ago this very hour, our precious Noah's heart beat for the last time. We miss him each and everyday.

For the past month I’ve been going to see a grief counselor.  I debated about sharing this with the world, but decided after everything else I’ve shared here, what’s wrong with sharing that I’m talking to someone to help me figure out how to navigate this new reality I live in.  Jarrett has been, just like since day one, my strongest support.  Before I even realized I needed someone to talk to, he realized it and spent hours researching different counselors in the valley that I might be able to see.  And then there was my friend Mel, who went to breakfast with me and so kindly presented me with a packet of information of the grief counselors she recommended who talk to mothers who lost infants.  I went home and cross referenced the lists Jarrett and Mel had come up with and immediately felt drawn to Laurie.

Laurie is not only a therapist, but also someone who has walked in my shoes… not one, not twice, sadly not even three times.  Laurie is a mother to 4 angels, two twins born at 24 weeks because her water broke early too.  I cannot even begin to imagine the grief or burden she must carry, but as I sit across from her, I instead see someone with a genuinely happy smile, a women who proudly bears her scars and visually shows the love of her lost children in a similar dangly bracelet.  She sits across from me not judging where I am at this moment, what our story has been, but as a women with open arms and a gleaming ray of hope… life can be good again.

Laurie herself says, she does not have the answers for us, for me, but inside of myself are the answers I want to see.  She is just my guide on this challenging journey and as my guide she will clear the path to the answers waiting in the future.  I trust her whole heartedly even though I met her 5 short weeks ago.

Laurie’s guidance comes through helping me find the truth in what happened with Noah.  The part of grief I never realized is that is has many ugly heads that rear themselves at different times.  Just when I think I’m feeling okay about one thing, another aspect of losing our miracle baby, presents itself and I feel stuck, back down in my grand canyon of sorrow again.  Laurie is helping me to see what is truth and distinguish that from a belief… because I’ve learned not all beliefs are true, and that’s where the grief becomes overpowering.

For example, one of the beliefs I have struggled with since Noah passed was that him coming early was because of something I did wrong, something my body didn’t do right.  Therefore it is my fault that he was born at 24 weeks and not strong enough to live outside my womb.  This belief carries the greatest amount of grief and the largest burden.  This guilt is what makes me lie awake at night and negotiate with God why he had to teach me this lesson and that he could have shown me another way, other than taking my son. 

In the first weeks together, Laurie helped me to see, that it wasn’t because of me or my body, something I did or didn’t do that caused Noah to come early.  It was just the way it was supposed to happen.  She explained it, just like we breath.  Our body, at its core, does everything it can to maintain systems as they are supposed to.  For example, when we try to hold our breath.  For a while we can do it, but eventually our body takes over and either forces us to take a breath or we pass out so we can start breathing again.  The same thing happened with my body… whether it was an infection that caused my water to break, the way Noah’s cord imbedded into my uterus in a weak spot, or for a reason we will never know… at that moment on June 8^th, my body was just doing what it was supposed to and caused my water to break.  Quite simply… that is the truth.  Her helping me to see it, released an enormous amount of guilt that quite literally had been slowly killing me since the day Noah left us.

And that revelation of the truth, led me to another one.  Noah’s death on June 25^th wasn’t because we didn’t do enough.  What I've realized is that Noah left us because it was his body doing what was best for him.  Noah fought hard to be with us for 12 days.  He overcame challenges, we never thought he would… he survived birth, then the first 24 hours, his brain scan revealed no brain bleeds- especially remarkable given how much he was pressed down into my pelvic bone for all those days of contractions, and another victory... he got to eat so early.  So many huge milestones, it was clear our little baby was a true fighter.  But in the end, when his acidosis became too great and the challenges in front of him too much for his tiny self, his body did what was best for him, and it shut down… letting his body finally find the peace it needed. 

What this truth what I wanted?  Hell no.  Do I like it?  Absolutely not.  But is it the truth.. yes.  Laurie asked me if I would have wanted Noah to have lived in the condition his body was in at the end and I immediately said NO.  I said, “I wanted him to run, jump, play and do everything Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle can do.”  Then she asked me, “Would Noah have had the life you dreamed of, if he would have survived the obstacles in front of him on June 25^th? And I knew again, “No, he wouldn’t.  His quality of life, at best, would have been filled with challenges, disabilities and more medical interventions than I could have even counted, and that would have been if he even was able to come home from the hospital.  Then Laurie asked me, “What is a bad thing that Noah died?”  With tears in my eyes, I knew the answer I needed to say, but still couldn’t bring myself to mouth the words… I sat quietly and let the tears roll down my face.

As the stream of water dripped onto my pants, I looked back up at her, and I said, “Noah dying was the last thing I ever wanted to happen, but given the life he would have lived, Noah’s death wasn't bad.”  As a mother I feel bad saying that but when it comes down to the actual truth sitting right in front of me, Laurie is right.  It sounds so harsh, so careless, such a horrible thing for a mother to say, but as the issues were slowly cleared away, the beliefs cleared up, the truth remained.  I wouldn’t have wanted Noah to suffer any longer.  I wouldn’t have wanted him to have anything less than the wonderful life my other children have and I wouldn’t have wanted to be the reason he kept fighting when he knew it was time to say goodbye.

While he's not with me physically today, I know too that saying goodbye wasn't a permanent thing.  My faith tells me, someday we will see each other again.   Knowing that, makes me fearless about leaving this world, when its my time to go.

Does it make my heart break into a million pieces that he isn’t here… yes.  Would I trade ever thing I own to bring him back… yes, in an instant.  Does it mean I will forever live with a piece of my heart missing… yes.  And like Laurie says… I don’t have to like the truth, in fact you can hate it, but once you find it, you can learn how to find the way back to living a life with purpose.  That’s the journey I’m on.

Laurie knew how hard it was for me to verbalize those words and as sad as it made me to say it, she knew just what to say to pull me back up and make me see the light in the sea of darkness.  She asked, “What did Noah give you?”  At first I looked at her with a look of uncertainty.  She repeated her question, “What did Noah give to you?” 

I responded, “ Well, he was our miracle baby because he showed us that Jarrett and I could get pregnant, we could have a biological child.” 

She said, “And isn’t that great?  Actually that is amazing.  Noah proved all those doctors who told you it wasn’t possible, that they were wrong.  Right?”  I smiled, “yes.”

“What else?” she asked.

Well, he gave me the gift of getting to be pregnant, something I’ve wanted to experience my entire life.” 

And he also gave you the gift of feeling what it’s like to have a baby move around inside of you.  That’s the best feeling in the whole world is it not?”  I smiled, “yes.”

“What else?”

Well, through his birth and the fact that he came so early, we were shown so much love and kindness by so many people, we never thought we’d be given nor do we feel we deserve. 

I looked over a Laurie, she leaned back in her chair and this time she smiled.  “Look at all these amazing gifts Noah gave you. And I’m sure we can sit here and count on many hands, the number of gifts he continues to give you, even though he’s not physically in your arms.” She stated.

I sobbed into my arms… I cried, that ugly cry that no one else wants anyone else to see.  Yes, that was me.  I cried, not because of the burden from the grief, because of the joy in all the gifts Noah has given me.  What an amazing little boy, that in his 12 days of life, he gave me some of the greatest gifts I have ever wanted.  And Laurie’s right… he continues to give me gifts each and every day.

Am I happy that Noah’s not with me.  NO.  Will part of my heart remain in heaven until the rest of my spirit arrives?  Yes.  Am I thankful beyond a doubt that even though I live with heartache, that Noah was real, was one of the greatest blessings and that he was, will always be, a part of me? Absolutely. 

Laurie is helping me to cut through the clutter and the many beliefs I hold, to find the truth in this life.  Is truth always easy to hear or even swallow? No.  But does it relieve the burden brought on by ugly grief… yes.  And that is helping me to find the light in this sea of great darkness. 

Noah’s death wasn’t a bad thing.  Yes, that is the truth.  What is also the truth is that Noah’s Life was beautiful and  I am so thankful for him.

Until next time,

Angie 

Noah's Kindness Project: #10 Make a difference and donate.

When narrowing down the list of all the things we brainstormed to do on October 3, it became apparent very quickly that if we had the means and endless time, we could be doing 120, or 1,200, even 12,000 acts of kindness in memory of Noah.  The reality is, there are so many great causes, needs to be served, and kindness to be given, that our list could go on and on.

As we narrowed down the selected acts, one of the options that floated to the top was giving to our friend Jennifer as she trains for a marathon and is fundraising with Team Fox to find life-saving treatments for Parkinson's.

Support a fundraiser… Before becoming parents to Gabriel, Michael, Isabelle and Noah; Jarrett and I walked another difficult road.  It was the battle against cancer.  Thanks to the support from so many, and the answered prayers from God, he won his battle and has gone onto lead a wonderfully blessed life. In fact, just two days ago we learned we get to celebrate him beginning his 8th year of being in remission.  A blessing we are both thankful for each and everyday.

 Following his journey, our journey, down that scary and unknown road, we both wanted to do something to test our personal strength while making the lives of others forced to face a similar battle better.  We raced, hiked, and biked to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.   When we asked for others to help donate to our fundraising efforts, we were shown extreme kindness through those acts and raised several thousand dollars to help find a cure. At the time, when I was training for the marathons, and logging all of those miles, knowing so many had given to our cause helping us and so many others, made each and every painful mile all worth it.

When I saw that Jennifer had committed to racing the Chicago Marathon, coming up here in a few weeks, I could put myself in her shoes and immediately understood the importance of donating to her efforts.  Jennifer is racing with Team Fox, the Michael J. Fox Foundation because her life, her family's life has been directly affected by Parkinson's.  Jennifer is racing in honor of her mother.

Team Fox, the Michael J. Fox Foundation’s purpose is to accelerate the delivery of life-changing treatments, and ultimately a cure for people with this disease.  While Jennifer's life is directly affected each day as she and her family help her mother, we too know friends whose life has been changed due to the diagnoses of Parkinson's.  

On October 3, we will be donating to Jennifer’s fundraising efforts.  If you'd like to help contribute to Jennifer's goal, and the hope for so many people who are living with Parkinson's, caring for a loved one with it, or even that mother, father, son, daughter, sister or brother just diagnosed... your gift no matter how big or small can make a difference.
I've seen first hand how efforts by organizations like Team Fox, or the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society save lives... I'm living with my partner in this life because so many of you gave a gift.

To support Jennifer please CLICK HERE.

Or if you'd like, pick a cause close to your heart; an organization that can help you or a loved one with a challenge you or they face... there are so many great causes.  Pick one that is important to you and give.  Then sit back and pat yourself on the back... your gift has made a difference, you have made a difference.

Until next time,
Angie

Noah's Kindness Project #9: Thank a Police Officer, Firefighter or EMT....

My brother is a volunteer fire fighter and when I hear about the fires and emergencies he responds to, most of the time the first thought into my mind is that I worry and pray everything will be okay.  

I can't imagine the worry spouses, children, parents or relatives must experience when their loved one serves us through the role of a firefighter, police officer and even an EMT. I'm sure for those families, every time they hear sirens or see the flashing lights of a police car, a firetruck, and ambulance, they must think of their loved one and hope that they come home from their next shift at work.  

Jarrett and I have only had to call upon the services of the police, firefighters and the EMT, once after we were attacked by a dog.  It was a scary situation and one that I'll never forget.  As scary as it was, the moment the firefighters and police arrived, they were calm, so helpful, taking command of the situation thus serving as a calm in the storm.

On October 3, we plan to say thank you to our local firefighters, police officers and EMT's by taking them some homemade treat.  We ask that you consider joining us in a similar effort for your local hometown heroes.  If you don't have time to make anything or the means to bring them treats, just write them a note, take it to the station and say thank you.   

We plan to say thank you by dropping off some homemade treats that will hopefully make them feel appreciated.

Will you consider joining us to do the same?

Until next time,
Angie

Noah's Kindness Project: #8 Neighborhood Beautification.

When we first got our boys we instituted the routine of taking a family walk around our neighborhood and to the park near our home.  Mainly it started as a way to still give the dog his 10 minutes of glory in getting out of the house, but it also allowed us some time to have uninterrupted time as a family at the end of the day to talk.  In those first walks I noticed something about the boys and it is a habit they've continued to keep.  They have always been great at picking up trash or litter and putting it where it needs to be so that our park, the neighborhood around us, and Mother Earth can still look nice.  I'm proud to say its a habit they developed on their own (not by our instruction or guidance) and it something they still do today.  

When Jarrett and I were talking about ideas of things we wanted to do in honor of Noah, one of the things we talked about was doing something for the earth and to make something even a tiny bit more beautiful.  For Noah was beautiful in our eyes and by making something else beautiful, we would be reminded that there is beauty all around us.  

So hence our project number 8:  Neighborhood Beautification.  This is something that anyone and everyone can do.  It doesn't have to cost anything nor take up a whole lot of time.  

On Saturday, October 3, we hope you'll join us in finding some way to make our wonderful Mother Earth just a bit more beautiful.  Pick your neighborhood park, or a ditch (those of you back in Iowa will know what I'm talking about), or an abandoned yard and spend some time making it look better.  Paint, pick up trash, trim landscaping, plant some flowers or a tree... what ever it needs, please consider donating your time and energy to make a piece of this wonderful world nicer.

For our contribution we plan to spend some time sprucing up the Memorial Garden at our church.  While it is already a beautiful and extremely peaceful place, we plan to spend a bit of time giving it an extra bit of TLC.  The memorial garden is a special place for many people at our church and its also a special place for us.  This is Noah's Final resting place.  

When deciding where he should be laid to rest, we found the larger cemetery to be overwhelming and that he was just too little to be buried in such a large place.  When our church shared with us about the memorial garden, (a place we didn't even realize the church had), we toured it and immediately knew... we had found the place for Noah to be.  It is small, quiet, filled with beautiful trees and flowers, and a water fountain.  It is private and only those with loved ones there are given a key to come and visit any time they would like (so much like the NICU).  We feel thankful to have found such a nice place for him to be.  And someday, when Jarrett or I are called home, Noah can be moved to be buried with one of us.  Yet another nice option the memorial garden provides to us.  

Thank you for joining us in donating a bit of labor and a lot of heart to make the world around us beautiful.

Until next time,
Angie

Isabelle and Baby Noah...

Isabelle only met baby Noah once but for three years old she really understood what was happening.  Those that were watching the kids for us while Jarrett and I lived pretty much at the hospital would tell us, she would talk about Noah, that he was at the hospital and ask to go there.

After Noah passed Isabelle asked me most mornings where baby Noah was and that we should go see him.  I mainly wrote it off as her trying to understand what had happened in our lives.  And while she asks a lot of questions, talks many times a day about baby Noah, there have been some things she's said that make me stop and say, "huh?"  

The day of Noah's wake, our family loaded up into the car, all dressed as we would for a funeral, unable to fully process, that this trip was for our beloved son and brother.  As we drove, the boys sat quietly, and as Dad drove, I reached my hand out across the center consul, Jarrett placed his hand in mine. As the car was mostly quiet until we heard Isabelle say, "Baby Noah don't sit on the floor. Mommy doesn't want you to sit on the floor."  

And then this morning.  Isabelle walked into our room before 5 a.m. and even before she got to our bed I had heard her talking in the hallway.  It was quiet enough where I couldn't understand what she was saying until she stood at the foot of our bed.  I heard her whisper... "Let's go show Mommy.  Come one, let's go tell Mommy."  I wasn't sure what she was trying to say or do as normally she walks right to the side of my bed and starts to crawl in.  This morning was different though.  She just stood at the end of our bed talking.  After listening  her repeat herself, "Come, lets show Mommy."  I finally whispered, "Isabelle what are you doing?"  To which Isabelle said, "Baby Noah, is that you?"  I paused for a moment, and then said, "Isabelle, no its mommy."  

At that point Isabelle turned to me, now sitting up in bed and came around to my side.  I then asked, "Isabelle what are you doing?"  to which she ignored my question and said, "Mommy, can I sleep with you?"  I helped Isabelle back up into our bed and she snuggled into my side as I laid there staring at the ceiling wondering what I had just watched.

This hasn't been the first, nor the second or even the tenth time Isabelle has said something or done something that makes me wonder if she sees or feels things even more intensely than the rest of us.  

I know I've mentioned it on here before, but Isabelle is the one of our children who talks about Noah the most.  She sings to him, she dances for him and she talks about him frequently at night.  Sometimes it seems she is actually talking to him.  A couple of weeks ago, when I was feeling overwhelmed by the sadness in my heart, I was getting Isabelle ready for bed.  I was living, but not actively participating in the game of life. Like an empty shell of a person, just going through the motions, doing just the bare minimum to get by while still meeting my responsibilities.

Our bed time routine with Isabelle goes like this... read story, brush teeth, carry her to bed, tuck her in, say prayers, turn on Elsa light, kiss her head, say goodnight, go get her a cup of water to drink, give water to her, kiss her again, tell her I love her, shut door.    The same routine every night. 

On this particular night, I had followed everything as we normally do, but as I bent over he head to kiss her, before going to get her water, I started to say, "I love you." when she interrupted me.  She said, "Mommy, baby Noah loves you."  I paused, looked down at her, smiled and tears dripped from my eyes.

I'm not sure what the connection is between Isabelle and baby Noah, but each and every time I hear her say his name, dance in his honor, or talk to him like he's right near her, I feel great peace.

They never got a chance to play, or do the millions of things siblings should get to do, but there is still a strong connection and a bond that hasn't been broken, even though Noah is not with us physically.  I pray that never goes away.

Until next time,
angie   

Noah's Kindness Project: #7 Another Act of Kindness--A Food Drive

Another Act of Kindness:  A Food Drive

As a part of Noah’s Kindness Project, we are hosting a food drive for St. Mary’s Food Bank Alliance.  Our family and friends were incredibly generous to us during our stay at the hospital, both before and after Noah's birth, arranging and bringing supper to our home virtually every evening for fully seven weeks.  We thought it fitting to include a food-related activity as a part of the overall Kindness Project.

St. Mary's, the world's first food bank, is a non-sectarian, nonprofit organization that alleviates hunger by efficiently gathering and distributing food to the hungry.  According to the food bank, nearly 17.8% of Arizonans are food insecure, and 28.2% of Arizona children face hunger.

We will be collecting food at three different sites:
(1) Gethsemane Lutheran Church and School, 1035 E Guadalupe Rd, Tempe, Arizona 85283.  Food will be collected at our church between Sunday, September 20 and Sunday, October 4.  The school will also be taking part in the food drive.  In addition to other collection times, we will also be collecting food at the church on Saturday, October 3, between 9 am and noon.
(2) ASU Career Services on the Tempe campus (Angie's office).  Food will be collected during business hours on weekdays from Tuesday, September 22 through Friday, October 2.
(3) Lubin & Enoch, P.C., 349 N. Fourth Avenue, Phoenix, AZ 85003.  Food is presently being collected at my work and will be accepted during business hours through Friday, October 2.

St. Mary's has identified a number of foods and other items as the most needed, including canned foods and diapers.  Please see the list at http://www.firstfoodbank.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Top-Ten-Most-Wanted.pdf.

We look forward to seeing you at one of the collection sites!