Noah’s death wasn't bad.

Three months ago this very hour, our precious Noah's heart beat for the last time. We miss him each and everyday.

For the past month I’ve been going to see a grief counselor.  I debated about sharing this with the world, but decided after everything else I’ve shared here, what’s wrong with sharing that I’m talking to someone to help me figure out how to navigate this new reality I live in.  Jarrett has been, just like since day one, my strongest support.  Before I even realized I needed someone to talk to, he realized it and spent hours researching different counselors in the valley that I might be able to see.  And then there was my friend Mel, who went to breakfast with me and so kindly presented me with a packet of information of the grief counselors she recommended who talk to mothers who lost infants.  I went home and cross referenced the lists Jarrett and Mel had come up with and immediately felt drawn to Laurie.

Laurie is not only a therapist, but also someone who has walked in my shoes… not one, not twice, sadly not even three times.  Laurie is a mother to 4 angels, two twins born at 24 weeks because her water broke early too.  I cannot even begin to imagine the grief or burden she must carry, but as I sit across from her, I instead see someone with a genuinely happy smile, a women who proudly bears her scars and visually shows the love of her lost children in a similar dangly bracelet.  She sits across from me not judging where I am at this moment, what our story has been, but as a women with open arms and a gleaming ray of hope… life can be good again.

Laurie herself says, she does not have the answers for us, for me, but inside of myself are the answers I want to see.  She is just my guide on this challenging journey and as my guide she will clear the path to the answers waiting in the future.  I trust her whole heartedly even though I met her 5 short weeks ago.

Laurie’s guidance comes through helping me find the truth in what happened with Noah.  The part of grief I never realized is that is has many ugly heads that rear themselves at different times.  Just when I think I’m feeling okay about one thing, another aspect of losing our miracle baby, presents itself and I feel stuck, back down in my grand canyon of sorrow again.  Laurie is helping me to see what is truth and distinguish that from a belief… because I’ve learned not all beliefs are true, and that’s where the grief becomes overpowering.

For example, one of the beliefs I have struggled with since Noah passed was that him coming early was because of something I did wrong, something my body didn’t do right.  Therefore it is my fault that he was born at 24 weeks and not strong enough to live outside my womb.  This belief carries the greatest amount of grief and the largest burden.  This guilt is what makes me lie awake at night and negotiate with God why he had to teach me this lesson and that he could have shown me another way, other than taking my son. 

In the first weeks together, Laurie helped me to see, that it wasn’t because of me or my body, something I did or didn’t do that caused Noah to come early.  It was just the way it was supposed to happen.  She explained it, just like we breath.  Our body, at its core, does everything it can to maintain systems as they are supposed to.  For example, when we try to hold our breath.  For a while we can do it, but eventually our body takes over and either forces us to take a breath or we pass out so we can start breathing again.  The same thing happened with my body… whether it was an infection that caused my water to break, the way Noah’s cord imbedded into my uterus in a weak spot, or for a reason we will never know… at that moment on June 8^th, my body was just doing what it was supposed to and caused my water to break.  Quite simply… that is the truth.  Her helping me to see it, released an enormous amount of guilt that quite literally had been slowly killing me since the day Noah left us.

And that revelation of the truth, led me to another one.  Noah’s death on June 25^th wasn’t because we didn’t do enough.  What I've realized is that Noah left us because it was his body doing what was best for him.  Noah fought hard to be with us for 12 days.  He overcame challenges, we never thought he would… he survived birth, then the first 24 hours, his brain scan revealed no brain bleeds- especially remarkable given how much he was pressed down into my pelvic bone for all those days of contractions, and another victory... he got to eat so early.  So many huge milestones, it was clear our little baby was a true fighter.  But in the end, when his acidosis became too great and the challenges in front of him too much for his tiny self, his body did what was best for him, and it shut down… letting his body finally find the peace it needed. 

What this truth what I wanted?  Hell no.  Do I like it?  Absolutely not.  But is it the truth.. yes.  Laurie asked me if I would have wanted Noah to have lived in the condition his body was in at the end and I immediately said NO.  I said, “I wanted him to run, jump, play and do everything Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle can do.”  Then she asked me, “Would Noah have had the life you dreamed of, if he would have survived the obstacles in front of him on June 25^th? And I knew again, “No, he wouldn’t.  His quality of life, at best, would have been filled with challenges, disabilities and more medical interventions than I could have even counted, and that would have been if he even was able to come home from the hospital.  Then Laurie asked me, “What is a bad thing that Noah died?”  With tears in my eyes, I knew the answer I needed to say, but still couldn’t bring myself to mouth the words… I sat quietly and let the tears roll down my face.

As the stream of water dripped onto my pants, I looked back up at her, and I said, “Noah dying was the last thing I ever wanted to happen, but given the life he would have lived, Noah’s death wasn't bad.”  As a mother I feel bad saying that but when it comes down to the actual truth sitting right in front of me, Laurie is right.  It sounds so harsh, so careless, such a horrible thing for a mother to say, but as the issues were slowly cleared away, the beliefs cleared up, the truth remained.  I wouldn’t have wanted Noah to suffer any longer.  I wouldn’t have wanted him to have anything less than the wonderful life my other children have and I wouldn’t have wanted to be the reason he kept fighting when he knew it was time to say goodbye.

While he's not with me physically today, I know too that saying goodbye wasn't a permanent thing.  My faith tells me, someday we will see each other again.   Knowing that, makes me fearless about leaving this world, when its my time to go.

Does it make my heart break into a million pieces that he isn’t here… yes.  Would I trade ever thing I own to bring him back… yes, in an instant.  Does it mean I will forever live with a piece of my heart missing… yes.  And like Laurie says… I don’t have to like the truth, in fact you can hate it, but once you find it, you can learn how to find the way back to living a life with purpose.  That’s the journey I’m on.

Laurie knew how hard it was for me to verbalize those words and as sad as it made me to say it, she knew just what to say to pull me back up and make me see the light in the sea of darkness.  She asked, “What did Noah give you?”  At first I looked at her with a look of uncertainty.  She repeated her question, “What did Noah give to you?” 

I responded, “ Well, he was our miracle baby because he showed us that Jarrett and I could get pregnant, we could have a biological child.” 

She said, “And isn’t that great?  Actually that is amazing.  Noah proved all those doctors who told you it wasn’t possible, that they were wrong.  Right?”  I smiled, “yes.”

“What else?” she asked.

Well, he gave me the gift of getting to be pregnant, something I’ve wanted to experience my entire life.” 

And he also gave you the gift of feeling what it’s like to have a baby move around inside of you.  That’s the best feeling in the whole world is it not?”  I smiled, “yes.”

“What else?”

Well, through his birth and the fact that he came so early, we were shown so much love and kindness by so many people, we never thought we’d be given nor do we feel we deserve. 

I looked over a Laurie, she leaned back in her chair and this time she smiled.  “Look at all these amazing gifts Noah gave you. And I’m sure we can sit here and count on many hands, the number of gifts he continues to give you, even though he’s not physically in your arms.” She stated.

I sobbed into my arms… I cried, that ugly cry that no one else wants anyone else to see.  Yes, that was me.  I cried, not because of the burden from the grief, because of the joy in all the gifts Noah has given me.  What an amazing little boy, that in his 12 days of life, he gave me some of the greatest gifts I have ever wanted.  And Laurie’s right… he continues to give me gifts each and every day.

Am I happy that Noah’s not with me.  NO.  Will part of my heart remain in heaven until the rest of my spirit arrives?  Yes.  Am I thankful beyond a doubt that even though I live with heartache, that Noah was real, was one of the greatest blessings and that he was, will always be, a part of me? Absolutely. 

Laurie is helping me to cut through the clutter and the many beliefs I hold, to find the truth in this life.  Is truth always easy to hear or even swallow? No.  But does it relieve the burden brought on by ugly grief… yes.  And that is helping me to find the light in this sea of great darkness. 

Noah’s death wasn’t a bad thing.  Yes, that is the truth.  What is also the truth is that Noah’s Life was beautiful and  I am so thankful for him.

Until next time,

Angie