Isabelle and Baby Noah...

Isabelle only met baby Noah once but for three years old she really understood what was happening.  Those that were watching the kids for us while Jarrett and I lived pretty much at the hospital would tell us, she would talk about Noah, that he was at the hospital and ask to go there.

After Noah passed Isabelle asked me most mornings where baby Noah was and that we should go see him.  I mainly wrote it off as her trying to understand what had happened in our lives.  And while she asks a lot of questions, talks many times a day about baby Noah, there have been some things she's said that make me stop and say, "huh?"  

The day of Noah's wake, our family loaded up into the car, all dressed as we would for a funeral, unable to fully process, that this trip was for our beloved son and brother.  As we drove, the boys sat quietly, and as Dad drove, I reached my hand out across the center consul, Jarrett placed his hand in mine. As the car was mostly quiet until we heard Isabelle say, "Baby Noah don't sit on the floor. Mommy doesn't want you to sit on the floor."  

And then this morning.  Isabelle walked into our room before 5 a.m. and even before she got to our bed I had heard her talking in the hallway.  It was quiet enough where I couldn't understand what she was saying until she stood at the foot of our bed.  I heard her whisper... "Let's go show Mommy.  Come one, let's go tell Mommy."  I wasn't sure what she was trying to say or do as normally she walks right to the side of my bed and starts to crawl in.  This morning was different though.  She just stood at the end of our bed talking.  After listening  her repeat herself, "Come, lets show Mommy."  I finally whispered, "Isabelle what are you doing?"  To which Isabelle said, "Baby Noah, is that you?"  I paused for a moment, and then said, "Isabelle, no its mommy."  

At that point Isabelle turned to me, now sitting up in bed and came around to my side.  I then asked, "Isabelle what are you doing?"  to which she ignored my question and said, "Mommy, can I sleep with you?"  I helped Isabelle back up into our bed and she snuggled into my side as I laid there staring at the ceiling wondering what I had just watched.

This hasn't been the first, nor the second or even the tenth time Isabelle has said something or done something that makes me wonder if she sees or feels things even more intensely than the rest of us.  

I know I've mentioned it on here before, but Isabelle is the one of our children who talks about Noah the most.  She sings to him, she dances for him and she talks about him frequently at night.  Sometimes it seems she is actually talking to him.  A couple of weeks ago, when I was feeling overwhelmed by the sadness in my heart, I was getting Isabelle ready for bed.  I was living, but not actively participating in the game of life. Like an empty shell of a person, just going through the motions, doing just the bare minimum to get by while still meeting my responsibilities.

Our bed time routine with Isabelle goes like this... read story, brush teeth, carry her to bed, tuck her in, say prayers, turn on Elsa light, kiss her head, say goodnight, go get her a cup of water to drink, give water to her, kiss her again, tell her I love her, shut door.    The same routine every night. 

On this particular night, I had followed everything as we normally do, but as I bent over he head to kiss her, before going to get her water, I started to say, "I love you." when she interrupted me.  She said, "Mommy, baby Noah loves you."  I paused, looked down at her, smiled and tears dripped from my eyes.

I'm not sure what the connection is between Isabelle and baby Noah, but each and every time I hear her say his name, dance in his honor, or talk to him like he's right near her, I feel great peace.

They never got a chance to play, or do the millions of things siblings should get to do, but there is still a strong connection and a bond that hasn't been broken, even though Noah is not with us physically.  I pray that never goes away.

Until next time,
angie