26 weeks… almost to 27

I sit here writing this today from the uncomfortable seats in the Sonora Quest Laboratories waiting room.  I am currently taking my test for gestational diabetes.  I hope I pass, as I really don’t enjoy drinking that crappy sugary drink.  But whatever happens, if I have to redo it, I will. 

Unlike last time when I was pregnant with Noah and told right from the start I’d have to do both the 1 hour and the 3 hour test, due to my advanced maternal age, this time I haven’t heard the same thing…at least yet. 

While Dr. A acknowledges I am in that magic category because I’m now 35, he doesn’t seem as worried about having to take extra precautions because of my age.  Maybe it’s because they are being proactive about everything else that he figures this is one area, where seeing me twice a week, they can address any concerns as they come up. 

So I sit here today, at least for the next 55 minutes, and wait.  This gives me plenty of time to think about week 26 and how thankful I am to be here.  This week has been extra busy, me working 4 days instead of the normal 2.5.  While the number of hours I’ve worked is still the same, its amazing to me how big of difference being up 4 days versus the 2.5 can make in how I feel and the contractions I’ve been having.  If I needed any further proof that my body just needs more hours of horizontal resting, this week has shown me that.  I haven’t felt that great this week, with more contractions, achy feeling, and just overall exhaustion.  That is why today my plan, after this fun outing, is to just go home and rest in bed.

Being that I never got to experience this part of pregnancy with Noah, I feel like everyday is a clean slate and I don’t know what to expect or what this week will bring.  In a way, it’s a great way to experience pregnancy.  Unlike the first 24 weeks when I had something to compare my feeling to, now I don’t.  I don’t know what is normal, what are things to worry about and if what I am feeling is normal.  So I go forward with little expectations and fewer fears with each week.

This week baby girl has decided to position herself in a way that my sciatic nerve on my right side is pinched.  Well at least it feels that way.  I have a constant shooting pain in my lower back and an alternating pain and numbness feeling that radiates down my leg.  Sometimes the pain is so great is makes me shout with joy (not), other times I laugh uncontrollably because the pain is so sharp (instead of crying) and even once in the middle of the night it became so painful I started screaming for Jarrett to come help me by rubbing my butt.  He was sound asleep and with the shouts of me from the couch in the living room, he must have thought I was in labor again and he came running out of the bedroom and started racing around trying to figure out what he needed to do first, before I screamed…. Please JUST RUB MY BUTT!  It was then he stopped, looked at me and said, “Seriously, that’s why you are waking me up?”

Here's what happens after you wake your husband up in the middle of the night to rub your back.  He sits down after work to talk about the day, and a few minutes into Mom telling him about the day she's had, she looks over to see this.... guess Dad needs some extra zzzzz's too.

No matter how painful, I’ll gladly take it as long as it means baby girl is safe, thriving and inside growing.  Thankfully, she is.  Earlier this week, we had our weekly ultrasound to monitor her fluid level.  Not only does the fluid level look good, but she does as well.  The valve in her heart they are monitoring to make sure doesn’t close early, is still open and guess what else?  Baby girl is starting to plump up.  By no means is she a chunky monkey, but it was amazing to me to see this week, just how fuller her face looks compared to just last week.  Where before her face was pretty thin and her bone structure right below her skin, now we are starting to see fuller cheeks and a button nose… I love it.   

 While baby girl has been head down for several weeks, another change is that last week she flipped again and is now breech again.  I’m back to feeling her jabs, rolls, arms and legs very clearly.  Last night I was laying on the couch when I went to rub the side of my belly.  As I put my hand along my side, I clearly felt her hand pressed up against my stomach.  In the same moment I realized it, baby girl must have felt me pushing it, she moved her hand as quickly as the smile appeared across my face.  It was SO COOL! The other feeling I experience so much more when she is breech is that I feel like she’s performing the Irish River Dance on my bladder.  Seriously, like tap dancing on my bladder.  As much time I spend in the bathroom, I am so thankful she’s so active.  With every movement, I feel like baby girl is telling me, “Hey Mom- I’m okay.  Don’t worry.”

 During my second appointment for the week, I met with Dr. A who said he’s happy with how things are going and hopes they continue to stay on this same path.  He said, “You know you are getting close to the third trimester and then I’ll start seeing you weekly.”  To which he started laughing since he’s been seeing me weekly since around week 18.  Just one of the other blessings of this pregnancy, (there are so many) is that I feel I have developed a close, open and honest relationship with my doctors.  I truly feel like they care about me, Jarrett and especially baby girl.  Dr. A continued by talking with me about what he wants to see in the next couple of weeks, and then he said, “If we can get you to 32 weeks, we are going to celebrate!”  For the first time in this whole pregnancy, hearing him say those words, made me actually believe that just maybe we can get there.  I pray I look back on this post in 6 weeks and am able to still write about her growing inside of me.

Look at that face, doesn't it look like she's filling out? Especially compared to the picture below, taken just a few weeks ago...

I asked Dr. A about my sciatic nerve pain and he said its very common and while he’d normally recommend walking or light exercise, he said, I don’t want you to do ANYTHING like that.  He said, sitting in a swimming pool can help as the buoyancy from the water can relieve the stress or pressure baby is putting on that nerve.  I’ve been so concerned about getting an infection this time around I have avoided baths and swimming pools completely.  He said sitting in a pool might provide relief, we’ll see if I can get over that fear… I’ll probably just deal with it (or ask Jarrett to rub my back and legs constantly).

As we approach the 27 week milestone in just two days, I am starting to get more and more excited that my dream of bring home baby girl into our lives can actually happen.  As scary as it is for me to think of any day in the future, I started making a list of supplies and items we will need to prepare to bring her home.  Papa and Nana assembled her crib this week and put it into Isabelle’s room.  Isabelle is actually excited to share her room with her baby sister and is starting to talk about all the things she can share with her with.  For some reason the crib sheet in the baby bed is NOT one of the things she wants to share but other things like her socks, she's more than willing.  

Isabelle was so excited to help me open a very nice gift from our friend Kristal.  It just so happened, she was wearing her "big sister" shirt. 

 Isabelle also has asked me as of late if she has a baby in her tummy.  As she gets ready to shower in the morning she, rubs her belly and says, “Mom, is my belly big now because I have a baby in my stomach?”  I tell her that while she is growing up, she won’t have a baby in her tummy until after she’s married and is as big as mommy.  She smiles and says, “Okay mommy, just you have a big tummy now.”  Its fun for me to see how she interprets all of the changes that come with pregnancy.  Oh and she’s decided we should name baby girl Joey.

Isabelle opened the gift and with each item she said, "Oh, isn't that so cute?"  

And the boys.  They are starting to get more and more excited as well about the baby.  Michael loves to ask to feel the baby and both boys have asked me if baby girl is now bigger than Noah was.  Thankfully at this point I can say yes.  As a family we’ve also started talking about names, while I think in the end Jarrett and I will get the final say.  Gabriel has said he’d like to call baby girl Kristal, because he thinks it’s the most beautiful girl name.  Michael loves the names Sharlene, suggested by our great friend Janelle, a combination of both Nana and Grandmaa’s names… Sharon and Darlene.  Jarrett and I have only talked about names a few times, although it made me smile yesterday when Jarrett asked me out of the blue about a couple names he liked.  Guess he’s got that thought on the brain too.

Michael asking about the baby after getting to feel her move.

Gabriel and his friend Harlan, in the fort they build in the front yard, when they were pretending to be spies.  While he's excited about the baby, he's just as excited to be a kid and play.

So many blessings to give thanks for.

The weeks seem to be ticking by just like the timer I hear behind the counter next to me, telling me this glucose test is almost over.  While we still have 13.5 weeks to go, I give thanks for the time we’ve had.  And for each day we get, because the truth is, what is happening inside of me is a miracle, something I thought I’d never get to experience.  But here I am today, getting to live it.  So here’s to that sugary drink that tastes terrible… its just another reminder of just how lucky I am.

Love you baby girl! 

Until next time,

Angie 

Grief

Last night I was lying in bed watching Chicago Med when a scene flashed on the screen that took me right back to June 25, 2015, Pod D in the NICU .

The image on the TV showed a flat line on the monitor as the doctors tried feverishly to revive a young man.  The medical staff raced around giving CPR, pushing round after round of epinephrine, while every minute or so shouting clear so they could use the charges to shock his heart and bring him back to life.  With no response and after several minutes the doctors stopped the resuscitation efforts and pronounced the patient deceased.  

While so much of what played out on TV was completely different than what Jarrett and I experienced in losing Noah, my mind was taken back to the final minutes we shared with Noah.

What happened behind that curtain in Pod D is something that only Jarrett, Melanie, God and I will be able to recall.  I feel I'm very open about our lives, sharing many personal details on this blog that sometimes I wonder if I should instead just keep inside.  But I've found in the 5 plus year's I've been writing this blog, some of my favorite and most healing memories to go back through and read are the ones where I've been completely open with my heart and emotions.

But this story seems different.  The emotions, the sadness, the raw heartache in watching your child pass is something the passage of time will never change in the way it feels.  And it isn't something I"m interested in sharing with the world.  I pray that no other mother or father has to live with the reality of what we experienced and will carry in our hearts forever.  So I will keep many of those moments to myself, sealed in my heart.

For what ever reason the images on the TV took me back to those final moments and I laid there in bed reliving them... only each minute we had in that final hour, relived in my head in slow motion.  I remember the feel of Noah's tiny body pressed up against mine.  How the tubes removed made him seem so peaceful, just like a sleeping newborn baby resting at home on their mother's chest.  I remember telling my mind to record every second to permanently remember the feel of his soft delicate skin against mine. I held him so close to keep him warm as Jarrett's hands wrapped around him as well.  We cried continuous tears as we told him over and over how much we loved him, how he was the miracle baby we dreamed of since Dad and I became a couple so many years ago.  And we told him how much we would miss him, think of him always and never ever stop loving him.  

As painful, sad and heart wrenching as it was to live those moments, and no matter how much I wished it was a terrible nightmare I was going to wake up from, it was also one of the most peaceful, if not the most, moment we had in that hospital.  The staff gave us privacy, support and love in those final moments, and I truly feel like God was there with us, to take him home.  

One of the most touching moments for me was when Melanie bent down over us with her stethoscope and let us listen to Noah's beating heart.  From the first time we went to the doctor after learning we were pregnant, we got to hear Noah's heartbeat... strong, steady and mighty the doctor said that day back in February.  Fast forward six month, I was listening to his heartbeat again, only this time as his time on Earth was ending.  Life had come full circle.  His heart still beating steady and mightily, he had fought as hard as he could to stay with us.  In the end God had a different plan.  I will always remember the beating of his heart, its like a song that gets stuck in one's mind and won't leave.  This is a melody I hope to hear in  my mind the rest of my life.

As I laid in bed last night, wiping away the tears and reliving the heartache of having to say goodbye, I tried to hide my emotions from Jarrett.  He'd come into the bedroom every once in a while to ask me about something and to talk about how happy he is we are this far with our baby girl.  I'd hear him walking toward our room and quickly wipe away the tears into my pillow.  For one of the only times in my life, I was thankful our room is so dim.  He didn't notice the dripping of my nose or the puffiness around my eyes.  As much as I wanted to say, "I can't stop thinking about Noah's final moments with us," I didn't want to take anything away from the joyous mood he was in, celebrating we are 26.5 weeks with our growing, healthy baby girl.  So I pushed away the tears, tried to join him in being excited at that moment, until he disappeared back out of the room to tend to the million other tasks awaiting him.

Knowing the only other person I could reach out to who would be able to go right back to that moment was Melanie, I reached for my phone. I texted her.

"Melanie, just thinking of Noah tonight and how I'm so thankful you were with us when we was passing.  The comfort and love you gave us as we got to listen to his heart beating, was so comforting.  I'm thankful for you and all you did to support us through such a difficult time.  Just one of the many reasons I love you.  You are an angel here on Earth."

After I hit send, I thought about how prior to Noah's birth, Melanie and I were complete strangers, our life paths probably never destined to meet if it wasn't for Noah.  And while we had only known each other for 12 days, with an actual 4 or 5 days total we spent together with her as Noah's primary nurse, the bond that had been created between the two of us, was a connection I believe some people never feel in their entire lifetime, and a friendship that will last just as long.

Its so hard to describe the connection I feel with Melanie, In those 12 short days I had celebrated some of the greatest moments of my life in welcoming Noah to this world, but also painfully lived through the worst in having to say goodbye to him.  And through it all was Melanie. It was like God placed her into our lives to be a shinning light, a source of hope, inspiration and love.  I knew she would have just the right words to say back to me and less than a few moments later my phone beeped with her response....

"Thank you Angie for the kind words.  It means a lot to me.  I feel so honored to have cared for your precious Noah.  It breaks my heart we didn't have the outcome we wanted but knowing what an inspiration your son was and still is to so many brings me peace.  Noah brought us all together and now I have a second family which means the world to me.  Love you and your family so much.  Noah is still with you, sending signs and his love.  I know you feel him.  The gift of life is so precious, grateful to have been a part of your journey.  Big hugs and lots of love. " -Melanie

Through the now happy tears I smiled.  There was my blessing again, in the middle of sadness, of grief that had taken over me.

I went to sleep last night without Jarrett ever knowing I had spent so much of the evening in tears.  Normally I would have confided in him,shared the raw emotions pouring out of my soul. Instead though I felt it okay to not bring him to where I was in going through this sadness of losing Noah.  Jarrett was in a moment of pure happiness, relishing in the truth of the present in front of us and celebrating the victory we truly feel we've reached in "getting this far."

Grief is such a strange and difficult beast.  While I feel it everyday, some days it rears its power more than others.  And it feels strange to experience so many opposite emotions as of late. I am overjoyed, so tremendously thankful to be 26.5 weeks along.  Feeling baby girl move, squirm, kick and roll inside of me are some of the greatest feelings in the whole world.  Something I've longed to feel my entire life. So when I think about those experiences, I can't help but feel so much joy in my heart.

And yet, at the same time, I long to hold, cradle, and love on my son in Heaven above.  The love I feel for him, as I stare at his pictures, I dream back to those precious days we had together and the reality of what was supposed to be, is devastating. I miss him so much.  I wish he was here.  And it is then I know that my heart will never fully be healed.  The truth is, I'm okay with that.

My living truth is, is I have 3 beautiful children already in my arms. I pray the baby girl inside me joins us in 14 weeks, is healthy and grows up to be just as big as Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle.  And I pray that my precious angel in Heaven will always stay close in my heart, send signs to our family he is with us, and that someday, he'll greet me at the gates of Heaven and say, "Welcome home mom... I've waited a long time to see you."

At that time, my grief in losing him will end.

Until next time,
Angie  

8 months

Yesterday Noah would have been 8 months old.  I wonder every single day what he would be doing, what new accomplishment he would have learned, how he would look and what our life would be like.

Instead our life is very different.  Instead of looking for him in our arms, or crawling around our house, I look to the sky, close my eyes to see him and dream about what he must be doing up in Heaven.

Since we've learned and now started sharing that we are expecting again, I admit my outlook on life has found an additional purpose.  While this baby will in no way take the place of Noah, make me miss him or want him in my arms any less, it has given me the feeling again of hope.

Hope was one of the main causalities that I experienced when Noah passed away.  When we found out we were pregnant with him, I was filled with  hope.  Getting pregnant and having a baby was something I had wanted my entire life and finally my dream was coming true.  Hope for our future with Noah in our life was like living in paradise.  When we lost him, I felt like all my hope went with him.  Now, experiencing pregnancy again, and being able to get this far (26 weeks today), I feel like hope is slowly coming back to me.

As excited as we are to be pregnant again and pray to bring home our healthy daughter in 14 or so weeks,  Jarrett and I both still feel the heavy burden of grief.  In some ways it feels strange to experience great joy in seeing our daughter and feeling her move, but also so much sadness in missing our son.  Today, after church, while the kids were in Sunday school, Jarrett and I went to the memorial garden, Noah's final resting place and together we sat quietly just us three again.  We often go as a family with the kids, and just like our daily lives, it is chaotic with the boys talking, Isabelle running wild, so today when it was just Jarrett and I, it was very nice.

It reminded me of those days in the NICU when Jarrett and I were there together with him.  We'd stand near his bed and whisper all of our hopes, dreams and the prayers we had for him.  Today we did the same.  We told him how much we miss him, how he'll always be our little buddy and how much we love him.

While I know his spirit really isn't there, the memorial garden is a place where we can go to fully devote our minds and attention to the raw emotions still very present in our heart.  While we sat there, quietly talking to him, I noticed a flock of morning doves continued to circle around the garden above us.  After the third time of them circling, I called Jarrett's attention to it, and we both commented how peaceful it was.  Just how we wanted Noah's final resting place to be.

We continue to search the sky for rainbows and will always see them as a sign from our little boy.  Isabelle seems to find them in the greatest of places.  Just a few days ago, when my dad was here visiting, Isabelle and I were outside watching grandpa work.  Isabelle all of a sudden started jumping up and down and saying, "There's a rainbow!"

And sure enough she was right.  It is still in these moments that I find peace.  Its almost like Noah is reaching out to us to say, "I'm okay. I want you to be okay too."  

And then yesterday.  Isabelle was sitting at the kitchen table eating one of her valentines treats. I was sitting on the couch writing when Isabelle said, "Mommy, look I made a rainbow.  Its for Baby Noah."  I turned around to see she had arranged her Skittles into a perfect rainbow, with each color in its appropriate place. I smiled, asked her to come give me a hug and kiss and said, "Its beautiful honey."  To which she smiled so widely and said, "For Baby Noah!"  

As sad as we are in missing our son, seeing a rainbow will always bring a smile to our face and happy memories of our precious Noah.  

Looking at the Skittle rainbow on the table made by our little girl, on the day Noah would have been 8 months, I couldn't help but think it was Noah reminding us he's with us through our little girl.

As we look to the future with hope and excitement of bringing home a healthy baby girl, I will always give thanks and feel a tremendous amount of love for my son waiting for us in Heaven.  While the months seems to pass faster and the time since I last touched him growing, my heart will never forget the gifts he gave me.  Noah James gave me the answer to my longest wish.  He gave me the gift of carrying life inside me.  He was the miracle that doctors said wasn't possible.  And the gifts still keep coming.  He has taught me that I can be stronger than I ever thought I could be.  That I can still feel him in my heart and that he is will always be with us.  And that his final gift is still coming.  The final gift I pray to experience is the gift of longing to be together again.  Someday, Lord willing, if I get to Heaven, I look forward to seeing my son, wrapping him in my arms and being reunited again.  Oh what a great gift that will be.  

Oh to feel your tiny embrace again.

Happy 8th birthday in Heaven Noah.  Mommy, Daddy, your brothers and your sister(s) miss you and always love you.

Until next time,

Mommy

25 Weeks: Experiencing Joy!

In some ways I feel like we won the lottery and yet, at the risk of sounding too greedy, there is so much further we want to get.  Still I’m so so thankful for hitting the 25 week mark. While last week we celebrated getting to 24 weeks and not having my water break or deliver this baby, this week I rejoice at the truth that she is still squirming and kicking inside of me and that I’m getting to experience a part of pregnancy I never experienced before. 

As of today I am 25 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  Yes those four days matter, every day we can keep her inside is a big milestone.  I’d be lying if I said last week’s mark wasn’t a huge mental obstacle we broke through, at least for me.  I talked about it in my previous post, but 24 weeks was the date I stared, marked, tagged more than any other date on the calendar when it came to carrying our daughter.  It was such a scary date for me, I couldn’t help myself… the fear of what happened with Noah controlled me fully as I carry her. 

Thankfully Laurie would remind me regularly to look at the truth in the moment for as we approached that date.  Seriously, she got to where she texted me several times a week or even a day to ask me what the truth was in that minute.  As I laid in bed, worried I was in early labor again, it was a minute by minute reminder I needed to bring myself back to the moment that at that second, baby girl was okay, I was in bed to quiet the symptoms and that’s all the control I had.  Thank God those moments, turned to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, and days to weeks.  Now we are three weeks later, celebrating the victory of getting this FAR and holding onto hope that in three weeks from now we can look forward and give thanks for being at 29 weeks, and that in three months from now, I’ll be preparing for the birth of our daughter.  It’s a dream now, but hopefully a reality in our future.

Now entering into a stage of pregnancy I’ve never been in before, I find myself wondering what it will be like.  This week, I feel myself getting bigger than I’ve ever been.  Not only does the scale reinforce that message, but my stretching stomach tells me too.  A couple of nights this week, I’ve told Jarrett I feel like a balloon is inside my stomach stretching everything as far as it can go.  Feel how tight it is.  He gently touches it and responds, “Well its hopefully gonna get a lot bigger.”  I guess in a way I hope it does too, as that will mean we are getting further along to our end goal… full term, healthy baby.

And as new as the expanding feeling is in my stomach, another new feeling for me this week is joy.  This is the first time in this pregnancy where I have been able to push aside the fear so much, that I’ve allowed joy to be the dominant feeling.  As sad as it makes me to admit this, it has been the truth.  I’ve been so consumed by the fear of losing this baby, of what tragic thing is in waiting, that I haven’t allowed myself to simply enjoy what is happening inside of me.  This week, I finally got the courage to change that.

As we hit week 25 and I realized that at most I may have only 15 or so weeks of being pregnant left.  And as scary as it has been for me to think about even getting to that milestone, the reality also hit me that this is my once-in-a-lifetime chance to experience something I have wanted since I was a little girl.  Why don’t I start enjoying it and relishing each kick, jab or roll happening inside of me.  After Noah was born I remember in those first weeks, missing the feeling of having him inside and I wonder, if I’ll miss, probably pretty much a 100% chance of yes, having the feeling of her move inside of me.  In the 10 plus years of infertility and wanting nothing more than to become a mom, I begged God for a chance to get pregnant, to be able to give life.  Here I am now, moving up daily on the percentage charts of bringing home a baby, and why in the world would I ruin this experience by being so afraid?  I don’t want to look back on this pregnancy and be sad I didn’t find joyous moments, even though it was scary.

So that’s been my focus this week.  I’ve tried very hard to celebrate each kick, to record in my mind what it feels like to have her move inside.  I also started talking to her like she’s actually listening.  Sometimes its singing her songs, other moments saying our prayers, and sometimes just telling her what I’m doing.  I hope she comes to recognize my voice and those of Jarrett’s and the kids.  I think she already recognizes Isabelle’s as she often kicks or moves when Isabelle’s near… perhaps it just that Isabelle likes to make her presence known.

This week as far as highlights, we went back to the doctor on Tuesday for an ultrasound to monitor the amniotic fluid level she has.  Just like with Noah, I’ve been taking Motrin every 6 hours for many weeks to keep the contractions at bay.  While the medication works wonderfully, a side effect of the meds is that it is can decrease the fluid level.  As a result we have to have weekly ultrasounds so they can check the fluid level and make sure she’s got enough to drink.  When I took Motrin with Noah, we found out the fluid level was dangerously low. We can only look back now and wonder if it was fully due to the Motrin or other complications.  This time when the doctors said to begin taking Motrin again for the contractions, I was really nervous.  However they reassured me they would closely monitor and that sometimes women are on Motrin for months during their pregnancy.  For me, I’ve been able to experience a big difference as I take the medication in the strength and frequently the contractions come as compared to when I don’t take the medication. 

The other change this week is that my progesterone injections will be given every 5 days instead of every 7 at least for the next few weeks, til we get to 30 weeks.  I shared with my nurse that I can tell as we get towards the end of the week my contractions come back stronger and I just don’t feel as good (have more cramping, etc) as the shot wears off.  She said its possible to administer it more frequently if its helping that much so she was going to put in the order to increase from every day 7 to every 5 days.  She herself said, if we can get you to 30 weeks, that’s a big difference compared to 29, 28 or even earlier.  I’m all for it, even if it leaves a huge welt and bruises for weeks- I’ll gladly take it!

So back to my appointment, yesterday at the ultrasound we received a great report--- again so thankful!  Not only does baby girl have plenty of fluid, (measuring at 16 and the goal is between 10-20) but my cervical length is good.  We also learned that starting at this week they will monitor to make sure that the ductus arteriosus hasn’t closed.  This is the duct that closes for babies in the birthing process.  Noah’s didn’t close when he was born due to his prematurity and was something the doctors told us they would want to address as he got older.  Sadly, we never had to cross that bridge.  Yesterday we learned that another possible complication of taking Motrin during pregnancy is that it can often times make the ductus arteriosus close early.  This is NOT something doctors want to see as it can restrict the oxygen supply to the baby in utero as baby’s breath differently inside their momma’s tummies versus when they take their first breath outside. We’ve learned so much about pregnancy in these last two years, I’m thankful for the information.  From the ultrasound they could tell that baby girl’s ductus hasn’t closed- yay another victory!  The final victory for me at least was that baby girl had repositioned herself inside.  Last week, she was butt out, face in and she spent several days curled up in a ball.  While it may have been a super comfy position for her, it felt like she was busting through my stomach. 

I was so happy to see yesterday she had changed positions slightly and while she’s now head down- wAAAAAy down, she’s turned on her side resting (makes sense why I have to go to the bathroom so much).  It is more comfortable for me (and I hope her too).  As a result  of her new position we got to see some cute profile and face shots, at least for a few moments before she put her hands up in front of her face as if to say, “No more pictures today!”

As we left the doctor’s office yesterday, Jarrett and I talked about just how thankful we are for each positive report and how it gives us so much encouragement to keep believing that maybe our dream of bringing home a healthy baby will come true. 

So here’s to 25 weeks, with optimism that week 26 is right around the corner.  Here’s to relishing in the JOY of being pregnant and to cherishing each moment I get to experience with her inside, growing, and thriving.  Here’s to our little rainbow baby.

Until next time,

Angie

Four Years... Belle's Blessings

Four years ago at this moment, I was frantically racing around from home trying to prepare, to at work- preparing to take leave, and back to the hospital- where our precious daughter was waiting for us to take her home.  Four years ago tomorrow, we left the hospital with three children, including our newborn daughter, in the back of our van and our hearts overflowing with love and happiness.

Fast forward 4 years and as I drive around with three much bigger children, and one God willing blessing on the way, I can describe my heart the same way… overflowing with love and filled with thankfulness of all the blessings that have been included in this life.

Never did I dream that I’d look back on this special time, as we celebrate our daughter turning four, and imagine the life we lead today.  I had always hoped, from the moment my eyes met Isabelle’s that Jarrett and I would be her forever family.  I continue to give thanks to God daily that he answered that prayer.  We both know too well, in those first 10 months of her life, that she could have been taken from us at any moment.  On the day her adoption was finalized I think I finally let out a sigh of relief I had been holding inside for way too long. 

It seems almost like the blink of an eye since those days, but somehow its been 4 years.  Gone are the baby clothes and toys, the padding we kept along all the sharp edges of our furniture and the toddler proofing that was a staple.  Instead in front of me is a girl, already half as tall as I am, who is smart, funny, strong-willed and one of the greatest blessings in our lives. 

Isabelle, while still so innocent and in-awe wonder at simple things in this world, has literally been a saving grace for me this year.  In what has been some of the hardest, darkest days of my life, Isabelle has appeared at my bedside, morning after morning with her blanket, a smile and a “Mommy, I sleep with you?” While each member of our family plays such a vital role in keeping each other going, Isabelle’s role has been great in saving me.  I think in part its because she’s the youngest and still needs the most help with those day to day tasks the boys have mastered on their own.  What’s also to thank though is her connection to her brother in heaven and her constant reminders that Noah continues to be with us.  From seeing a rainbow on TV in her favorite show Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood to spotting them out the window in the car when we are driving.  I didn’t know how to explain dealth to a three year old, but what I’ve learned is that I really don’t have to. Isabelle never sees Noah as gone.  Where as an adult I look for the body and baby I should be holding in my arms, Isabelle doesn’t need that.  She sees Noah in everything and reminds me that while he’s not physically here, he is still here.  Guess the biggest lesson to be taught wasn’t one led by me, but instead my little girl to me. 

Isabelle is such a blessing and we all love her dearly.  While her brothers get upset that she’s always into their things, wants to be with them when they have no interest in playing with her, the truth is, they love spending time and being with her.  After they returned from being in Iowa over Christmas, it was Isabelle they missed the most.  Seeing the three of them reconnect, exchange hugs and kisses, was evidence again, that family doesn’t have to be blood.  While my three children are not all genetically related, they are brothers and sisters and family forever. 

As a four year old Isabelle is learning her letters, writing them very well and ready to be in Kindergarten.  She asks when she can go to the boys’ school and I told her it when she knows her letters and numbers.  Thankfully her preschool teacher is WONDERFUL and teaches her so many things.  Just yesterday she came home from school after learning the letter U.  She said, “Mom, Umbrella, Under, Unicorn and Underwear starts with U.”  Sometimes I think I’m looking at a six year old, not a newly turned 4 year old. 

Some of Isabelle’s favorite things now are Paw Patrol- she learned about them from friends and school and it may be an understatement to say she’s obsessed.  She has all the characters (except a couple of the bad characters- but she’s got her sights set on obtaining them), and many of the accessories and talks Paw Patrol for much of the day.  She loves to go on adventures with her Paw Patrol friends and Nana and Papa.  Her imagination and creativity are fun to watch, as she makes up stories and talks in different characters as the adventure unfolds. 

Her other favorite things include chicken nuggets, French fries and Cheetos. I don’t think she thinks restaurants have any other food but chicken nuggets and French fries and she is wildly disappointed if they are unable to accommodate her order.  She’s a good eater, like her brothers, while more picky than them, she is pretty good about trying all of her food and cleaning her plate… especially if that means she gets dessert.

Isabelle recently went to the dentist, thanks to Nana and Papa and has found a new profession of interest.  She thinks she’d going to be a dentist and proudly shows others her teeth the dentist cleaned for her birthday- Her words.  While I’m unsure what professional careers await her future, I can see her excelling at many things.  She LOVES to talk!  I think she talks most of the day, and if no one else is listening, she’ll talk to herself.  So I’m thinking a career with strong communications skills would be a good fit.  She loves to sing and dance so maybe something in theater or performing arts.  Honestly whatever she wants to be we will support and be proud of her. 

There are so many moments I look at her and think, “Where did my baby go?” With the boys I remember feeling this way too, but unable to stop time or change their growing in front of my eyes, I accepted it with them and embraced them reaching each new accomplishment.  Prior to Noah and this baby girl I carry inside, I thought Isabelle was going to be our last chance to experience the wonder and awe of infancy and childhood.  While I’m so thankful for the opportunity that those days will hopefully not be over for us, I can’t help but ask God, please don’t let her grow up so fast. 

I love watching life through her eyes… I love the innocence when she asks me if I’m going to throw up the baby to get the baby out.  Or if I can help her put her shoes and socks on cause she’s too “busy” (another  word for, I’m too lazy mom, you bend over and do it for me).  Or if we can go on a Paw Patrol Christmas adventure with Santa.  For sadly I know those moments are fleeting and soon she’ll be racing out the house, just like her brothers, to play with her friends down the street.  When the questions turn into more difficult ones, “Why does that politician have to say terrible stuff about the other one.”  Or “Will this baby die too or if this baby big enough to live if she’s born today?”  that the boys ask me now.

The truth is each stage of raising kids has its blessings and while they change and grow and quickly as the kids do, there is so much to give thanks for.  I am thankful for our beautiful four year old, who brings us so much happiness, love and laughs.  I’m so thankful for that phone call just over 4 years ago asking us to make a split second decision if we wanted to parent a newborn baby girl.  It was a life changing moment and one that has brought us so many great things.

Isabelle you will always be one of the greatest gifts God has blessed us with.  We feel so fortunate to be your parents and your forever family.  You are an amazing girl who will grow up to achieve so much.  For if these past four years are any indication of the greatness you bring to the world… I can only imagine what’s instore.

We love you always,

Mom and Dad

Do the kids know?

When Jarrett and I first learned we were expecting again, we wondered how to get through yet another stage of uncharted waters.  The honest truth is, these last several months have been hard on our family.  We grew together but also fell apart together and all of us are at different stages of grief.

Isabelle’s understanding of where Noah is, is at the level of a three-year-old. She still asks me regularly if we can go get Noah from the hospital, if he’s done yet, and why she can’t see him in Heaven when I respond that he’s with Jesus.  Michael’s grief is exhibited in behaviors some vocal but mostly through actions of inattentiveness, distraction and anger.  We are working through them and I think we are beginning (I hope) to see a tiny light at the end of this long difficult hard road.  Gabriel’s response has been mostly quiet, keeping many thoughts I’m sure to himself, and carrying on as if life is okay.  He’s much quieter than he’s ever been, maybe more reflective, maybe just not wanting to say anything that could bring back the sadness and tears always just below the surface.  

And then there’s Jarrett, he has his moments and days when I can tell the grief hits him more than others, when the pressure of holding us all together is too much, he  pauses with watery eyes to say, “I thought of Noah today.” And continues on to reminisce about a memory we have together.  And me.  I think I could give you a different explanation for how I am at each moment of each day.  Honestly some days I’m okay with the reality that I will get to be reunited with my son someday in the future when my days here on earth are through, and other moments I struggle with wondering why he had to leave us, mad that this is the ache we’ve had and have to endure, and questioning what Noah would be doing if he was able to have come home with us.  A week or so ago, with my mother in law’s help, we went through Noah’s things (it just happened to be on the 8^thmonth of his passing) as I laid in bed (on bed rest).  It was emotional but I did my best to hold myself together, trying so hard to focus on the good moments we shared, and the greatness he brought to this world. 

I feel fortunate that so many people honor and remember him even still today.  So many people have told me that they don’t look at rainbows the same way, that they associate kindness with him and that he still comes into their minds.  As Noah’s mother I can only be proud of the goodness he brought to us and sparked in so many people.  I feel so blessed to be his mom.

And as much as we miss him, we know he would want us to find a way to be happy, to try and rebuild a life of love, peace and kindness with one another.  So we try.  In seeing how each of the kids were and still struggle to get through this journey in their own way, Jarrett and I wanted to be as cautious and protective as possible about what this pregnancy could bring.  Sadly we know too well the scary sides of pregnancy and we ourselves felt paralyzed with fear, we didn’t want the kids to endure the same.  In consulting with the counselors we have grown to trust, we sought their advice.  They suggested that instead of making a big deal of our news, instead of surprising the kids with gifts like last time to tell them, that we wait until they noticed something was happening, growing, changing and asked us. 

When we heard the recommendation, we both felt like it was the right choice so we held our news quietly between Jarrett and myself.  In a way I feel like it was a gift we both could share.  It was the happy news we used to support one another through the hard times.  First we wanted to get through the first weeks of pregnancy, then the horrible weeks of morning sickness (which I promised myself I wouldn’t complain about this time-and even though it was WAY worse than with Noah, I did my best to uphold that promise.), and then the end of the first trimester and into the second.  As we approached the half way point, we felt confident that the kids HAD to notice.  Instead we found out they didn’t think twice about the number of hours I lay on the couch, that I didn’t get up to make any meals and that I was constantly battling symptoms of the flu- that they never caught.    

As the time went on, we came to joke about it- Dad and I.  He’d make a comment about how sick I was and I’d look at him to give him the glare.  The boys, who we suspect would be the first to catch on, never did.  And to our surprise, the person who actually discovered the truth first was Isabelle.  I had just gotten home from a doctors appointment and sat on the couch as she watched Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood, one of her many shows.  At once she paused from watching the show and said, “Mommy, what’s in your tummy?”  I responded, “My stomach.”  She wasn’t satisfied.  “What else is in your tummy Mommy?”  I thought for a moment and said, “Isabelle, what do you think is in my tummy?”  She, plain-as-day, responded back “I think my baby sister is in your tummy.”  I almost fell on the floor, thankfully my ever expanding hips were seated on the couch.  My first thought was that someone must have told her.  By this point we had shared the news with our parents and I thought someone must have filled her in.  But after checking we learned, no secrets were spilled and she, had figured it out.

Even after she figured it out and would ask me about the baby in my tummy with the boys around, they didn’t seem to catch on.  Jarrett and I secretly wondered if they knew but didn’t want to say anything.  We also wrote it off to boys being boys, kids busy with their own lives, living in the moment.  Either way we waited patiently... and they NEVER noticed.

Just over two weeks ago, I was scheduled for my weekly ultrasound where they check on the baby's fluid level and the length of my cervix (sorry tmi).  We've learned they like to monitor the cervix very closely as if there are changes that can be a sign of preterm labor.  I hadn't felt very good all week but thought it might have been caused from the cold Isabelle had shared with me.  At the ultrasound though we learned some frightening news that they saw drastic changes in my cervical length.  I was ordered to return home immediately and be on bed rest.  While we waited for the report to be sent to my doctor, my anxiety and stress went through the roof, my confidence that we were okay and what happened with Noah wasn't going to happen again was shaken, and I decided I was going to be that totally annoying patient that insisted on getting attention.  I called my OB and the Perinatologist's office and it just so happened both of my doctors were out of the office that day.  I called back to my OB's office and talked to the receptionist.  While very friendly she casually said, "Just leave a message on the nurses line and someone will call you back."  It was in that moment I lost it.  I started sobbing uncontrollably and went onto tell her I had lost a baby last year due that was born prematurely and that I couldn't handle going through a similar experience again.  I begged her, "May I please talk to a doctor, anyone that has a moment to spare?"  She must have understood I was have a true crisis (my words) and immediately transferred me through to Dr. A nurse.  I tried to stop myself from the ugly snotty cry so that at least she could understand me.  She was very supportive and said she wanted me to stay on bed rest, she was going to call and talk with Dr. A, even though it was his day off, and that she would call me back.  At the same time a friend from Dr. E's office texted me to inquire what had happened as she had heard about my panicked call to their office.  She was so supportive and told me she'd talk to Dr. E to see what he recommended.  

To make a long, very stressful story short both doctors responded very quickly, gave me orders to stay in bed and go to the hospital if anything major changed and that they would see me the following morning.  We reached out and asked for prayers.  That afternoon, with fear raging through our hearts and minds, Jarrett and I made the decision, it was time to tell the boys.  

That afternoon Jarrett picked up the boys from school and called them into our room, where I was tucked into bed.  The boys stood at the foot of our bed and could tell immediately the seriousness of the conversation we were about to have.  It reminded me so much of those talks we'd have when they'd ask about Noah's health and how he was doing.  I hated that this was the way they were finding out.  Jarrett started by asking the boys if they had noticed anything different about mom.  They said they hadn't noticed anything.  Dad continued by saying, "Maybe you've seen that mom hasn't been feeling that great or has laid on the couch a lot?"  The boys looked puzzled and were keenly turning back and forth between dad and I to see what signs we were giving off.  Dad then said, "Well Mom hasn't felt that great lately because she's pregnant again."  Unlike the last time when the kids found out and there were shouts of joy and excitement, this time the announcement was met with uncertainty and obvious fear.  Dad went onto explain that the doctors wanted me to stay in bed for a while to make sure the baby stayed inside and to grow bigger.  That is when the questions started. Gabriel asked, "Is this baby healthy?"  To which we said yes.  Followed by the question, "Is this baby bigger than Noah?" To which we had to say "Not yet" since we were only 22.5 weeks along.  The final question was about if we knew it was a boy or a girl, to which Jarrett said, "Its a girl."  Michael then asked, "Is there any chance she could change to a boy?"  To which we laughed, thank goodness as it broke the seriousness of the conversation and finally brought laughter into the news.  We assured Michael she would be staying a girl.  At that point the boys hugged me, told me they loved me and disappeared out of the room.  

Jarrett told me later that night the boys had several more questions for him and that they were excited about the news.  He said he just thought it was concerning for them to see me in bed and worried that what happened with Noah was happening again.  While I hoped this wouldn't have been the way they would have found out, I am glad the news is out.  

In the two weeks that the whole family has known, talking about the baby has been a great source of joy for all of us.  The boys ask me everyday when they get home from school how the baby is, and if she's gotten any bigger.  Isabelle is fascinated with the baby liking to pet my stomach and ask me if the baby can see in the dark inside my tummy.  Just this past weekend the baby was moving all around and I asked the boys if they wanted to feel her.  Michael went first and as he held his hand to my stomach the baby kicked.  As he felt her his eye lit up and a smile from ear to ear appeared on his face.  He said, "Wow, she's really strong."  And then it was Gabriel's turn who had just come in from playing outside and didn't get to see Michael's experience.  Michael said, "Gabriel do you want to feel the baby?"  Gabriel said sure and put his hand on my stomach just as she moved her arm with a sudden burst toward the outside of my belly.  It was strong enough that my entire stomach moved.  Gabriel's first reaction was to yank his hand away.  "Oh my gosh" he said, "I had no idea she could kick that hard."  That afternoon the boy's friend Harlan came over to play and before he could even get in the door the boys had shared with him that they got to feel their baby sister kick.  It was clear it was a memorable moment for them.

We pray for many more weeks/months that she will stay comfy inside and that we can continue to get to know her through her kicks and punches through my stomach.  While its only been a short time that we've all known about her, the love, joy and happiness she has brought to our family has been so so great.

Here's a little video of baby girl sucking on her hand and fingers.  

We are all in love with our little baby girl.

Until next time,

Angie

24 Weeks

Today is such an important milestone for so many reasons.  This point in my last pregnancy was the exact same day that my son came into this world and is a date I've worried about with this pregnancy since I first learned we are expecting again.

While I understand that these two pregnancies are completely different, I can help my mind from creating an association between Noah's pregnancy and this one.  I guess its my lizard brain at work.  And it something I've struggled with from the beginning.  Every week that passed, I gave thanks that this baby was still growing and thriving inside me but also felt like I had walked that many steps closer to the cliff I felt coming at 24 weeks.  All I knew, all my experience had told me was that at 23 weeks my water would break and at 24 weeks my very premature precious baby would be born. How could I not be terrified of this milestone?

Laurie, our truth finder in this grief, has worked (it really is work with me) to reframe my "story" and to help me focus on the truths that are in front of my face.  Each time we'd meet, she'd ask me for the truth, and I'd recite to her that at X day and X minute, at so many weeks along, our baby was still inside me, my body was supporting the pregnancy and that it felt good.  Literally that is how I've made it through the past 20 plus weeks. With reminder after reminder after reminder.

Jarrett likes to compare it to an analogy Coach Kirk Ferenz of the Iowa Hawkeyes said of their (undefeated) winning regular season...  "we are just trying to stack up the weeks."  Leave it to the husband to bring football into a pregnancy conversation.  But the reality is, that is what we've been hoping to do.  Jarrett says we are marching along day by day, just waiting for the weeks to stack up, while not focusing on how many weeks are in front of us, but just the path we are on today.

I've read several articles about women/couples who have had additional children following the loss of a previous child and there is one common thread.  The joy of pregnancy is robbed from us.  While that's a pretty blunt way of stating it, I can't help but agree, (mostly).  My truth is that I am the most paranoid, symptom seeking, worried pregnant person in probably North America.  I openly admit it. My doctors are very well aware but thankfully accept me for where and who I am.  And while this pregnancy has been different than how it was with Noah, I can't yet let myself believe this pregnancy will no doubt have a happy ending.  Isn't that sad?

My other truth is that I have already fallen in love with our baby girl.  She is so active and provides me with many reminders throughout the day she is doing just fine.  I love feeling her move inside and with all the ultrasounds I am able to identify exactly what body part she is moving as she kicks my sides, stands on my bladder or punches my stomach with her arms.  Jarrett's been able to experience her movement too, from very early she's been a mover and a shaker... it might be partly due to the fact I can (and do) eat all the sweets I couldn't eat with Noah.  He wasn't much for sugar.

Jarrett and I have always been very focused on the present, not allowing ourselves to get ahead of where we are currently, focusing on this moment, not what the future could bring.  I guess that was a way of protecting ourselves from dreaming all the dreams we want to have, like we did with Noah, that we don't get to experience.  Laurie, again, challenged us to think differently.  She said, "I want you to picture what next Halloween is going to look like?"  I didn't respond, I thought I'll let Jarrett take this one.  But she wasn't about to let me get off that easy.  She said, "Angie, what do you see when you think about next Halloween?"  "Well," I hesitantly started, "I hope to see all of us out with the kids, this new baby included, walking around the neighborhood."  She interrupted me, "Talk to me about specific details, and with confidence that this WILL be your future."  As I spoke with what confidence I could muster up, the tears flowed stronger than my belief that it will be, but I went onto share with as many details as I could, with the joy I hope Halloween will bring in our family.  After we each explained what our Halloween vision is, Laurie paused and asked, "How did that feel?"

Honestly, it was scary to think about, but at the same time felt nice.  I've always been one to find something in the future to look forward to, so living these last 8 months with only looking at the moment in front of me has been different.  Laurie went onto say, that in this journey of living life without our Noah in our arms, finding moments of peace and joy in our life is how she recommends living in our new reality.  If that means there are days we can only look at the moment in front of us, than that's okay, but if that also means some days we can look at the future with hope of what it can bring, and it doesn't cause pain, well than that is okay too.  As a mother herself that has lost so much, I completely trust Laurie's expertise and advice of how to regain the love of life again.

So here we are at 24 weeks, and my truth is, my baby girl is moving around inside with plenty of fluid to drink, my contractions stay at bay as long as I keep my activity level to the minimum, and the doctors are regularly checking me to make sure everything is okay.  That is my truth today.  So my "story" that all my babies are born at 24 weeks and 0 days has been proven to be false.  Today baby girl is healthy, and safe right inside... exactly where I want her to stay for the next 15 or so weeks.

And speaking of my doctors, I have to say I've been very lucky to have two amazing doctors this time who are completely supportive, understanding and proactive in helping us achieve our goal.  My current doctor, Dr. A. said from the beginning he would be willing and open to co-managing our pregnancy with a perinatologist.  The perinatolgist we've been referred to Dr. E is one of the leading perinatologists in the United States and is very well respected.  Friends we met from the hospital in the antepartum unit as well as the NICU speak very highly of Dr. E and so we feel fortunate to be with him as well as Dr. A.  They have been extremely proactive with taking measures to make sure I do not go into premature labor.  I've been having bi-weekly ultrasounds pretty much the entire pregnancy and starting at 17 weeks, I've had weekly ultrasounds.  I'm currently on medication to control my contractions as well as having weekly progesterone injections from a nurse who comes to our house. The shots aren't too fun leaving an orange size welt and bruise at the injection site, but I'd take those shots many times a day if it means it will keep her inside. And accommodating with my high-need reassurance, Dr. A has told me to call him directly if I have any questions or concerns at anytime.  I am extremely thankful for the care they have provided us.

So 24 weeks and counting we are.  Just marching along giving thanks for each day we get, and praying for many more weeks/months with her inside.

And speaking of falling in love... here are some pictures of our precious little girl.  Its so fun to see her weekly and to see how she's growing and changing.

She makes my heart feel love in a new way and while I will always feel the ache of losing Noah, this baby girl has given me a reason to take care of myself, to get up each morning and to keep on marching.  She's given me a new purpose in life and the healing she's brought to Jarrett and I, and our family, will be something we always give thanks for.

To 24 weeks and marching... one moment at a time.

Until next time,
Angie