In some ways I feel like we won
the lottery and yet, at the risk of sounding too greedy, there is so much
further we want to get. Still
I’m so so thankful for hitting the 25 week mark. While last week we celebrated
getting to 24 weeks and not having my water break or deliver this baby, this
week I rejoice at the truth that she is still squirming and kicking inside of
me and that I’m getting to experience a part of pregnancy I never experienced
before.
As of today I am 25 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Yes those four days matter, every day we can keep her
inside is a big milestone. I’d be lying if I said last week’s mark
wasn’t a huge mental obstacle we broke through, at least for me. I talked
about it in my previous post, but 24 weeks was the date I stared, marked,
tagged more than any other date on the calendar when it came to carrying our
daughter. It was such a scary date for me, I couldn’t help myself… the
fear of what happened with Noah controlled me fully as I carry her.
Thankfully Laurie would remind
me regularly to look at the truth in the moment for as we approached that
date. Seriously, she got to where she texted me several times a week or
even a day to ask me what the truth was in that minute. As I laid in bed,
worried I was in early labor again, it was a minute by minute reminder I needed
to bring myself back to the moment that at that second, baby girl was okay, I
was in bed to quiet the symptoms and that’s all the control I had. Thank
God those moments, turned to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, and days
to weeks. Now we are three weeks later, celebrating the victory of
getting this FAR and holding onto hope that in three weeks from now we can look
forward and give thanks for being at 29 weeks, and that in three months from
now, I’ll be preparing for the birth of our daughter. It’s a dream now,
but hopefully a reality in our future.
Now entering into a stage of
pregnancy I’ve never been in before, I find myself wondering what it will be
like. This week, I feel myself getting bigger than I’ve ever been.
Not only does the scale reinforce that message, but my stretching stomach tells
me too. A couple of nights this week, I’ve told Jarrett I feel like a
balloon is inside my stomach stretching everything as far as it can go.
Feel how tight it is. He gently touches it and responds, “Well its
hopefully gonna get a lot bigger.” I guess in a way I hope it does too,
as that will mean we are getting further along to our end goal… full term,
healthy baby.
And as new as the expanding
feeling is in my stomach, another new feeling for me this week is joy.
This is the first time in this pregnancy where I have been able to push aside
the fear so much, that I’ve allowed joy to be the dominant feeling. As
sad as it makes me to admit this, it has been the truth. I’ve been so
consumed by the fear of losing this baby, of what tragic thing is in waiting, that I haven’t allowed myself to simply enjoy what is happening inside of me.
This week, I finally got the courage to change that.
As we hit week 25 and I
realized that at most I may have only 15 or so weeks of being pregnant
left. And as scary as it has been for me to think about even getting to
that milestone, the reality also hit me that this is my once-in-a-lifetime
chance to experience something I have wanted since I was a little girl.
Why don’t I start enjoying it and relishing each kick, jab or roll happening
inside of me. After Noah was born I remember in those first weeks,
missing the feeling of having him inside and I wonder, if I’ll miss, probably
pretty much a 100% chance of yes, having the feeling of her move inside of
me. In the 10 plus years of infertility and wanting nothing more than to
become a mom, I begged God for a chance to get pregnant, to be able to give
life. Here I am now, moving up daily on the percentage charts of bringing
home a baby, and why in the world would I ruin this experience by being so
afraid? I don’t want to look back on this pregnancy and be sad I didn’t
find joyous moments, even though it was scary.
So that’s been my focus this
week. I’ve tried very hard to celebrate each kick, to record in my mind
what it feels like to have her move inside. I also started talking to her
like she’s actually listening. Sometimes its singing her songs, other
moments saying our prayers, and sometimes just telling her what I’m
doing. I hope she comes to recognize my voice and those of Jarrett’s and
the kids. I think she already recognizes Isabelle’s as she often kicks or
moves when Isabelle’s near… perhaps it just that Isabelle likes to make her
presence known.
This week as far as highlights,
we went back to the doctor on Tuesday for an ultrasound to monitor the amniotic
fluid level she has. Just like with Noah, I’ve been taking Motrin every 6
hours for many weeks to keep the contractions at bay. While the
medication works wonderfully, a side effect of the meds is that it is can
decrease the fluid level. As a result we have to have weekly ultrasounds
so they can check the fluid level and make sure she’s got enough to
drink. When I took Motrin with Noah, we found out the fluid level was
dangerously low. We can only look back now and wonder if it was fully due to
the Motrin or other complications. This time when the doctors said to
begin taking Motrin again for the contractions, I was really nervous.
However they reassured me they would closely monitor and that sometimes women
are on Motrin for months during their pregnancy. For me, I’ve been able
to experience a big difference as I take the medication in the strength and frequently
the contractions come as compared to when I don’t take the medication.
The other change this week is
that my progesterone injections will be given every 5 days instead of every 7
at least for the next few weeks, til we get to 30 weeks. I shared with my
nurse that I can tell as we get towards the end of the week my contractions
come back stronger and I just don’t feel as good (have more cramping, etc) as
the shot wears off. She said its possible to administer it more
frequently if its helping that much so she was going to put in the order to
increase from every day 7 to every 5 days. She herself said, if we can
get you to 30 weeks, that’s a big difference compared to 29, 28 or even
earlier. I’m all for it, even if it leaves a huge welt and bruises for
weeks- I’ll gladly take it!
So back to my appointment,
yesterday at the ultrasound we received a great report--- again so
thankful! Not only does baby girl have plenty of fluid, (measuring at 16
and the goal is between 10-20) but my cervical length is good. We also
learned that starting at this week they will monitor to make sure that the
ductus arteriosus hasn’t closed. This is the duct that closes for babies
in the birthing process. Noah’s didn’t close when he was born due to his
prematurity and was something the doctors told us they would want to address as
he got older. Sadly, we never had to cross that bridge. Yesterday
we learned that another possible complication of taking Motrin during pregnancy
is that it can often times make the ductus arteriosus close early. This
is NOT something doctors want to see as it can restrict the oxygen supply to
the baby in utero as baby’s breath differently inside their momma’s tummies
versus when they take their first breath outside. We’ve learned so much about
pregnancy in these last two years, I’m thankful for the information. From
the ultrasound they could tell that baby girl’s ductus hasn’t closed- yay
another victory! The final victory for me at least was that baby girl had
repositioned herself inside. Last week, she was butt out, face in and she
spent several days curled up in a ball. While it may have been a super
comfy position for her, it felt like she was busting through my stomach.
I was so happy to see yesterday
she had changed positions slightly and while she’s now head down- wAAAAAy down,
she’s turned on her side resting (makes sense why I have to go to the bathroom
so much). It is more comfortable for me (and I hope her too). As a
result of her new position we got to see some cute profile and face
shots, at least for a few moments before she put her hands up in front of her
face as if to say, “No more pictures today!”
As we left the doctor’s office
yesterday, Jarrett and I talked about just how thankful we are for each
positive report and how it gives us so much encouragement to keep believing
that maybe our dream of bringing home a healthy baby will come true.
So here’s to 25 weeks, with
optimism that week 26 is right around the corner. Here’s to relishing in
the JOY of being pregnant and to cherishing each moment I get to experience
with her inside, growing, and thriving. Here’s to our little rainbow baby.
Until next time,
Angie
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