Thinking about him...

Today is Thursday the 25th of the month and I just can't help it... I can't stop thinking about him.  I know its just a day, a day that comes around each and every month, but its also a day that reminds me he isn't here.

So I look to poems, to prayers and sayings to ease my aching heart.  Maybe he already knows, I needed some extra support.  Maybe that's why Madelyn wants to be held so much today, not for her comfort, but instead for mine.  

The 25th will always be the day we had to say goodbye.  With each passing of the months and years, I'll always miss you a little bit more ...

Miss you so much little buddy.  

Until next time
Mommy

Noah's Kindness Cards

And so it begins... again.  So much has happened in the last year and as I reflect back on where I was a year ago at this time, I realize I was in the deepest valley I have ever been in in my life.  I was trying to desperately to find hope and joy again in the world.  And then Noah's Kindness Project was born.  I firmly believe it was a critical part in the healing that has happened for me, for Jarrett, for our family. Plus there was SO much love, generosity and kindness shared last year on October 3, I think the feelings of joy were contagious.

So much of that healing my family received was because of all of you who got involved and performed acts of kindness all across this world.  You not only helped to make the world a better place but you also showed us that our son's life mattered.. that while he lived a very short time, his life had purpose and his legacy is that of kindness.  Thank you.

And now we begin our second year of Noah's Kindness Project.  Over the next few weeks I will be posting updates on the 12 acts of kindness we will be participating in or donating to, in tribute to the 12 days we were blessed to spend with him on this earth.

Several of you have already asked me about the Noah's Kindness Cards and we have them ready to share with you.  Last year we created these Noah's Kindness cards to hand out when performing our acts of kindness with others and we ask that you share them again this year.

If you would like cards to hand out, you can let us know and we will gladly mail, deliver or ship as many as you'd like your way.  Otherwise you can use this link to find a pdf of the cards and print out as many as you'd like on your own too.

For those in or near our hometown back in Iowa, if you'd like to have some cards to share, you can pick them up from the office at New Hampton Transfer and Storage, or you can contact my sister, Megan and she will help to mail you some. 

For those in Arizona that would like to participate, I have cards available and would love to pass them out even now.

And for those in other places, if you'd like some cards, please message me via Facebook and I'd be glad to send you some too.

Thank you for helping us to make the world a kinder place.

And so it begins again... please watch for our scheduled Noah's Kindness Project schedule of activities to be announced soon.  

Up next... Noah's Kindness Project participates in the AZ Cancer Village Race... runners, walkers, skippers... how ever you roll, we invite you to join our team and race to help support local cancer charities.  Stay tuned!

Until next time,

Angie

Dear Mom AND I want to be in the Army...

This summer I had the boys write in their journal daily.  I love to write and I'm trying to instill a love of writing in my boys.  They so far, are not as "in love" with it as I am.  But I keep pressing them to write and record their feelings.  

The boys have written some great journals..  Here are a few of their most recent that I love.  And I might be a bit biased in why I like some of them.  

Gabriel has lately shown and interest in serving our country when he is old enough.  While I have a hard time thinking about the fact that he would put himself in danger to protect our country, on the other hand I would be so proud of him.  He talks about Grandpa Ray and Grandpa Bud and how they volunteered to serve in the Army, and that's just one of the reasons Gabriel picked the Army.

And here is one of Michael's recent journals... Trust me, I don't pay them or bribe them to write these things.  Maybe they are trying to butter me up so they can play video games instead of doing their homework.  What ever the case, I'm gonna believe that they really do love their strict, mean-ol mom.  Seeing notes like this really mean so so much to me.

As the boys get older and push more and more at testing their boundaries, and talk to us like we make their lives so difficult (by doing homework and chores), its moments when I read their daily journal that I see their true feelings.  

I love you too boys, to infinity and beyond... and Michael, that's just as far as the universe. :-)   Love you always... Mom

Until next time,

Angie

3 months... already!

Today Madelyn turned 3 months old.  How in the world can that be?  I look at her and continue to reminisce about the morning she was born. I love to think about the minute I saw Dr. A hold Madelyn up above the curtain and said congratulations.  Madelyn was not happy, I think in shock.  She was red and purple, her face scrunched, her head pointy from being stuck and covered in goo.  And as strange as it sounds, she was (still is) the most beautiful thing I have ever seen (along with my other kiddos).  Tears streamed down my face as they took her over to be evaluated as hearing her cry was perfect music.  Three months ago my heart grew in love again and I though it had reached capacity.

I was wrong again.  Each day that she has been in our lives I find myself loving her more.  Why I didn't think about this, I don't know.  Its the same with the others, so it would be no different with her.
Madelyn is an outstandingly wonderful baby.  She really is. I started writing a list here of all the things she likes but found myself listing so many, I decided putting it this way is easier... Madelyn loves everything.  Except bottles (well, that might be changing too).

If all babies were like her, I think we might become like the Duggars.  Okay not THAT many kids, but seriously, she is so easy going and so much fun.  Madelyn LOVES to smile.  LOVES to listen to her siblings talk to her.  LOVES to watch TV, specifically the Olympics, The Minions and The Bachelorette- mom's pretty pumped about that one!  Madelyn is a great sleeper, she continues to wake up only once a night and is pushing back her one feedings later and later.  Saturday I woke her up at 5, after she went down at 9:30 p.m. to eat. I can tell the days of her sleeping through the night are not far off.

Madelyn loves to chew her hands, sucks on them most of the time (especially when she's hungry) and is liking to start holding toys in her hands, specifically a rattle and a pink washcloth (not that she's picky).  She also enjoys laying on her playmat and talking to the toys that hang down from above.  Madelyn is a great talker... here she is recently, telling daddy all about her day.

Madelyn continues to grow and grow and grow.  While we can still fit into some 3-6 months clothes, 6 months clothes are the best fit.

Some of the milestones we've seen Madelyn achieve in this past month are... she can fully hold her head up now.  While sometimes her noggin is a bit wobbly, most of the time she can hold it up and look side to side without any assistance.  Then there's her "exercises" which she loves performing in her bath.  She kicks and kicks and kicks while doing arm circles with her hands.  She's a pro and with the calories she has to be burning, its no wonder she so hungry.

Madelyn is starting to recognize us as her family. Now that I'm back to work, one of the highlights of my day is when I get to walk through the door at home and see her.  She her face light up with a grin from ear to ear, is almost the best moment ever.

I say almost, because if I'm honest, we also saw a development this month that made my heart melt.  And each time I watch the video, it melts again and again.   Madelyn laughed for the first time and Daddy was able to capture it on video...

Isn't that the best thing ever?  I surely think so.  I could watch this over and over and over.

And as precious as that moment was, moments that touch my heart, give me such overwhelming happiness and love, just keep coming. Last Friday, Madelyn was sleeping next to me as I worked on our details for Noah's Kindness Project.  I was working away and went to get up and walk to the other room to grab something.  As I looked over at her to check on her and make sure she was still sleeping, I found her like this...

When I saw her with her hands folded, I immediately thought, I hope my phone has enough memory to take a picture... this is a constant problem with me.  Thank goodness I did and thankfully I was able to capture the moment.  This picture is one of my all time favorites.  And the message I added describes perfectly how I feel about her.

Here are a few of my other favorite pictures of her from the past month...

Madelyn, you'll never know just how much I love you.  And I'll always consider you my little life saver.  Mom was pretty broken after your big brother went to Heaven.  My heart shattered into tiny pieces and the sadness I felt, I pray you never experience even a moment of what I felt.  And then, there you were, growing inside me.  A spark of life, that sparked the life back into me.  You were the hope I needed to keep going, the reminder that life can be good again, and the reason why I got up each morning and continued pressing forward.  You restored my will to live.  Madelyn Faith, I love you with my whole heart.  

Love always, 

                     Mom

A Mother's body...

Just a few minutes ago, in the darkness of our bedroom, I sat up in bed and burped Madelyn after she ate.  As I patted her back I realized I could feel the lower half of her body rest upon my post-partum belly.  Upon realizing that her body resting on my belly- a belly that sticks out more than it ever has in my life, a belly way more "flabby" than "flat" and one marked with stretches and scarred with a darker line that runs from right under my sternum to below my belly button; the first thought that went through my mind was, "You got to lose the weight, you've got to get rid of that "flab."  As just as immediate as that thought was, the shame, guilt and disappointment in how I currently look started to crawl into my mind.  And then, I stopped.

Thirteen weeks ago at this exact moment, my daughter was alive and squirming inside of me, actually probably she was wondering what in the world was happening- after 16 hours of labor of being pushed and squished in ways I'm guessing not so comfortable.  In exactly one hour, she would be cut out of me and take her first breath.  Her life would begin, my heart would grow yet again in love and a journey that has thus far been one of the greatest in our lives, would begin.

And in thinking about that, I stopped the shame and hurt of feeling bad in the way my belly stuck out and instead starting thinking about just how amazing a woman's body really is.

If you would have asked me 7 years ago when we were trying to conceive and were unable, I would have told you how I felt my body betrayed me.  Why couldn't I get pregnant and why wouldn't my body do what it was supposed to?  Looking back now, with so much clarity and understanding that I lacked back then, I realized my body didn't betray me.  It wasn't time and had we gotten pregnant back then, I'm not so sure we'd have Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle in our lives.  And I can't imagine my life without them.  The love I feel for them is greater than words can describe.  My body didn't betray me, my body instead looked at them and felt instantaneous love and a bond that can only be explained as that of a child and a mother.  Looking back now, I realized that for a person to be able to feel love, the unconditional love for a child that makes your chest ache with joy, that is a remarkable thing.  That is the beauty in a mother's body.

And then I got pregnant with Noah and feeling my body grow and change was incredible.  Feeling him move inside me for the first time, surreal.    A dream I had filed away as just that, a dream.  I grew to believe my body was incapable of creating life.  My job on this earth was to provide a life for three beautiful children that did not grow under my heart, but grew in it, from the moment our eyes met.  While it took me a long time to get there and to finally accept it, I did.  And then, my body started to create a life.  Noah.

Each week I'd read about how the baby was growing and forming inside of me.  How his brain was developing, his heart, his lungs, fingers and toes.  Each week, miraculous changes happening inside MY body.  My body creating another human.  Read that again... A woman's body creating the life of another.  Remarkable.  With Noah, my stomach didn't grow to the size we wanted and when he came too soon, I again blamed my body... why did it betray me?  Why couldn't I carry him to full term?  The guilt, sadness and depression that came with that thought almost killed me.  And I understand the seriousness of those last words in that sentence.  I don't take them lightly and when I say that, I mean it.  The profound level of sadness I felt in losing my son last year, was enough to take the life out of me.

And then, Madelyn came.  Getting to experience my body grow and change in ways it never was able to with Noah, I found myself even more in awe of just what a mother's body does to give life.  My stomach grew from around 27/28 inches in circumference to well over 40 inches.  At one point Jarrett and I joked in realizing my stomach was bigger than his, a grown man.  I literally outgrew his pants.  And my body sustained the extra weight of carrying around 28 extra pounds including that of an 8 pound active baby girl.  Thinking about that leaves me in awe.

If it wasn't enough to be left in wonder of the remarkableness of a mother's body, think about labor.  At some point a woman's body has to endure great levels of pain as her body contracts, adjusts and tightens in just the right ways to prepare an exit way for a new life to begin in this world.  Before I went into labor with Madelyn I looked up information on labor and read several posts about the levels of pain a woman experiences during labor and how the pain compares to the feeling of breaking several bones in one's body.  Having gone through labor now twice, I think I'd pretty much agree with that statement.  Labor itself could be the greatest marker of just how remarkable a mother's body is.

Earlier this week, driving home from the grocery store, I was thinking about Madelyn's birth and labor and the fact that I had to have a c-section.  Almost as instantaneous as my thought that I need to get my stomach back in shape and feeling bad for it looking the way it does,  I started to feel bad that I had to have a c-section.  Like I failed the labor test because she had to be cut out of me instead of pushed.  I called Jarrett to reassure me that I hadn't failed. The moment he said hello and heard my response he said, "What's wrong?"  After all these years, I don't have to say anything, he just knows.  I explained what I was feeling and he said, "Mom- we have a beautiful healthy baby girl.  That's all we ever wanted.  How she came to be here is not a test of passing or failing.  She's here and THAT is what matters."  I knew he was right but I needed him to tell me I still hadn't failed, that my body hadn't "failed" me again.  I said, "You are right."  To which he responded, "Your body did what it could, what it was supposed to.  She was big mom and stuck.  You know that.  Having a c-section was the right thing."  In that minute I felt better.  Reassured.  I could block out those self-defeating thoughts and focus on what he reminded me is the most important.

(Something else they don't tell you about after giving birth and having a c-section, is that you will swell up like a balloon and be even bigger than you were before... or at least that's what happened in my case!)

I think there are ankles under there somewhere.

My body was so swollen with fluid I could make indentions that would stay for a long time.

And here I am over a week after having Madelyn, still looking like I'm 6 months pregnant.  I call it the post-partum, still-look-pregnant look. 

Thinking back to Madelyn's birth and the c-section, in my mind I said so what if I have another scar across my body.  The one that I rub in the shower and am reminded of the symbol it represents.  It will be a permanent mark on my body, a reminder that I gave life.  And it wasn't until Madelyn and Noah were born that I realized something else completely amazing, is that a mother's body can feel love equally.  While Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle were not created inside of me, my body, my heart, my mind loves them, views them and cares for them the same way I love Noah and Madelyn.  That perhaps, is my favorite thing yet.  A mother's heart knows no difference in love... it is all the same.

So sitting in bed this morning, I've decided to let my stomach stick out.  Granted I'm gonna try with my might to become more active, to return to running- more for my mental health than striving for that flat 6-pack abs.  But I'm also gonna appreciate my body, my new "look" for what it represents.  For so many years, I wanted nothing more than to look at myself in the mirror and see a reflection that looked like this..

The way I look now is not the body I had two years ago.  It has changed greatly.  But I'm not going to tell myself, it isn't good enough, pretty or even "acceptable".  I look at myself in the mirror today and see reminders, permanent scars that serve as symbols of the journey I've been on.  A journey my body endured.  It's the first time in my life I've felt like my body hasn't "betrayed" me, so instead of being ashamed of the fact everything isn't where it once was, I'm going to be proud and I'm going to tell myself to love every ounce, every extra curve and maybe even every extra roll it has... for its been a journey that has made my life great, made me feel unconditional love five times over and through it all, looking back, I can see it never betrayed me.  It always carried and provided for me.

And now, its time for Madelyn to eat again... another reminder of just how remarkable a mother's body is.  Not only can she grow, sustain and give life, but she can continue to provide nourishment and nutrients outside of her womb.  Remarkable.  How blessed I feel to have a mother's body.

Until next time,
Angie  

A team

In those final weeks of pregnancy when I felt so huge, couldn't sleep and had to pee continuously, I mentioned to Jarrett I was so so ready for Madelyn to be in my arms, not in my stomach.  He, at the time, reminded me to cherish each moment as he said, I think you are going to come to miss being pregnant.  And, like always, he was right.  I do miss being pregnant, I miss feeling her move around inside of me.  I miss being able to eat what I wanted, as much as I wanted and I could write it off to just being pregnant.  

And you want to know what else I miss?  I miss seeing the amazing (A) team of caregivers that I got to visit each week.  From my first appointment at 6.5 weeks to my final appointment at 39 and 4 days pregnant, I was lucky enough to develop a great connection and relationship with Dr. A, Dr. E and Marybeth.  Seeing them each week not only provided me reassurance that everything was okay, but it also warmed my heart to get to see and hear how they were doing.  

I took this picture at my 6 week postpartum appointment and I asked Dr. A if I could take his picture with Madelyn after all those weeks of him checking on her.  He said of course.  And as he left the room, I said, I'm going to miss seeing you each week, to which he replied, "It has been a pleasure and you can come back anytime to visit, say hi and to bring her by."  It was so nice to hear that I wasn't the patient I feared they dreaded but instead he celebrated with us in our happy ending.  

And then there's Dr. E and Marybeth.  Truly two of the nicest people in all of the world I believe.  I'll never forget that day when, after Laurie's recommendation that we insist on going to a specialist, that I called and left a message for Marybeth to share our news and to ask for her advice.  Within 2 minutes she called me back.  After sharing our news, I felt her happiness almost as if she was hugging me through the phone.  I knew we needed a referral from Dr. A, but Marybeth went to work right away on getting me in and finding the best possible doctor to co-consult. The moment we got the referral I received a message from their office that they could get me in the very next day.  How thankful I was and continue to be.

I continued to see Dr. E and Marybeth early in the pregnancy and after our scare at week 22 when they thought my cervix was opening from an ultrasound, not performed at their office, the decision was made, I'd be having my weekly ultrasounds in their office.  Tuesday afternoon's each week became our regular "date" and don't tell Jarrett, but I looked forward to each of those dates more than I did when I was 16 and started dating him.  Okay, maybe I looked forward to all of both types of dates.   

I'll never forget the care, compassion and support these three professionals shared with me, with us and with our daughter over the course of the 9 months we prayed and worked so hard to bring her home.  They made my dream a reality and for that I will be forever grateful.

They truly are a part of the A-Team.... I team I feel fortunate enough to have been under their care. 

Until next time,

Angie

I didn't know tired...

Until I became a mother again.  

I seemed to have forgotten about how tired one can really get.

If only I could say it was because Madelyn was up all night.  But that wouldn't be the truth.

I think its the months of sleepless nights (i.e. Peeing 9 times a night) while being pregnant...

Added to the fact that you still have to get up to feed at least once and pump.

And while my eyes may be heavy, have dark circles under them and bags where there should be beauty...

I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world!

So bring on that lack of sleep, because I'm gonna soak up these moments now.  For someday soon, I'll look back when they are all grown and gone and wish I could have just one more sleepless night of bliss.

Until next time,

Angie