Fun times!

There has been a lot going on in our house and while I'd love to get to blog about each activity, I'm just going to post that covers a quick recap some of the things happening...

Noah's around...

We miss Noah every day, and when we see signs that he is near, it makes our hearts so happy!

This little bug has been sick.  

Night of the Open Door

A few weeks ago Dad, the kids and Aunt Annette came down to my work to enjoy the ASU's Night of the Open Door.  The kids (of all ages) had such a fun time.

Here's Isabelle meeting Sammy, our simulation manikin.  He talks, breathes, coughs and can even do other things.  Isabelle really liked him.  Here she's posing as one of our Nurses for the picture.

And here she is holding Josephina, our simulation baby.  She cries, turns blue, flails her arms, any many more things.  She's such a great teaching tool for our students, and Isabelle loved holding her.  Infact she asked me if she could get a real life baby like her to play with at home.  Too bad simulation babies like Josephina are several tens of thousands of dollars.  Sorry Isabelle, I hear Cabbage Patch babies are pretty cool too.

The boys thought the activity of playing with moulage (fake bodily fluids) was pretty fun.  Here they are getting a lesson on dressing an open wound.

 Michael had the hardest time getting his gloves on. 

 His finished wound all dressed.

 The boys also participated in writing a healthy change they can make in their life.

 Gabriel and Aunt Annette playing nurse

Campbells Crew

Here's Madelyn modeling one of our favorite t-shirts.  In honor of our friend Campbell.  We love being a part of Campbell's Crew

Madelyn's teething.... Here she is just chilling, gnawing on her chewing necklace.

Back to being under the weather..

We can easily tell when Madelyn doesn't feel well.  She's usually all smiles, but when we see this, we know...

We celebrated Isabelle's birthday at home with Nana and Papa.  Isabelle was perfectly happy having a cupcake and lasagna supper to celebrate. 

Isabelle with two of her favorite people

 Isabelle's Valentine

Special Person's Day at School

This past week at the boys' school was Special Person's Day.

Mom attended this year and I enjoyed spending some one on one time with the boys.  They are growing so big.

In fact, I can't even believe I registered this kid for middle school on Friday.  How can it be?

 Seriously, it seems like yesterday he was little, like this...

And this guy.  His bangs are about as long as mine, but he loves them. 

And I love him. 

It was nice to see him in his classroom.  Hard to believe he will be 10 next month!

In the midst of keeping up, I've come to rely upon the kids for help.  Here they are being big helpers as we do some cleaning.  I tell them I'm just trying to teach them some lessons they'll need for the future.  They don't buy it now, but still help nonetheless.

SPORTS

Yes we are in the middle of crazy sports season.

Isabelle is in soccer!  She's number 12!

And the boys are in flag football....

While the boys play, Isabelle and Madelyn try to shade themselves from the sun.  

 Michael's team is playing well.  He's right there in the middle with pants on.

Gabriel's chilling, eating before he plays. Saturday's have been spent at the ball field... almost all day.

Michael's in there on the play somewhere.

And then they switch and Gabriel plays while Michael sits and watches.

Gabriel's team has been doing well and for 11-13 year olds there are some smaller than Gabriel and some of the kids bigger than Jarrett.  Crazy how puberty comes to each person at different times, no matter how old one is. 

Daddy Daughter Dance

Last week Jarrett took Isabelle to the Daddy Daughter Dance at our church.  I would have loved to have gone to watch and I guess to talk to Jarrett from what I understand.  Isabelle LOVED going to the dance and danced her heart out, but I guess decided dancing on the stage with all the other little girls was preferable to dancing with her dad.

They still enjoyed getting to spend time together and Isabelle had so much fun she came home looking like this...

Embrace the chaos...

Yes, life has been busy. There's never enough time to get everything done but I ask myself, what would life be like without all the craziness? In the quiet moments in the middle of the night, I stop and think, wow, I'm tired.  But man am I blessed.  Then it hits me and I realize, its the life I dream of and wanted forever.

My life is blesssed.  How lucky I am to be their mom.

Until next time,

Angie

8 Months...

Given the fact that Madelyn will turn 9 months in only two days, I figured I had better move this blog post up on my to do list.  It's been on my list for well over a month and I feel guilty that I am just how getting to this.

This past month has been crazy to say the least.  Jarrett and I feel like there is never enough hours in the day and often times on our way home from work we take turns feeling overwhelmed and stressed, but I guess that's just what life looks like with four kiddos, two jobs and so much happening.  Not that I'm complaining, I'm just saying, it's been really busy.

So excuses aside, let's talk about our wonderful Madelyn.  SO much has happened and changed in the last few weeks.  Madelyn went from barely rolling over at 6 and 7 months, to now she's unstoppable.  She's always on the move.  At 8 months she was constantly practicing getting up on all fours and rocking back and forth, not quite sure she was confident enough to move that arm ahead and begin to crawl.  

Madelyn's 8th month also brought about some big changes as far as sleep.  Madelyn has always been such a good sleeping and as much as I bragged about that in her earlier months, it came back to bite me.  After being in the hospital and getting used to falling asleep in my arms and me hold her frequently to make sure she was still breathing, she became quite used to it and decided it was her now preferred method of sleeping.  Great for her, bad for mom.  

Coupled that with her desire to only drink milk from me and not from a cup or bottle, she has decided on days when I work that she's going to make up for the 10 hours of me being gone and instead wants to eat at night.  Several times during the night.  Great for her and I understand it, but not the greatest for mom.

So this past month has been spent trying to correct sleeping mistakes we made and finding ways to help her like her bed again.  Not gonna lie, there were some few weeks we really struggled, putting her in bed with us and me just giving in and "sleeping" in a chair to just get some sleep.  We're doing better after mom stuck to her guns one night and refused to pick her up.  I would just get up once she'd wake, tell her night night, lay her back down and tell her I'd love her.  It wasn't pretty or fun but after 37 times getting up time after time, she finally fell back asleep.  I felt horrible, but it finally worked.  Not that each night is glorious now, we are far from it, but it's better and I'm telling myself, this period doesn't last forever. 

Other than the sleep issue, Madelyn is such a happy baby.  She smiles, laughs and giggles more than any other baby I've ever seen.  She loves her brothers and sister and her eyes light up when they get home from school or wake her in the morning.  

She is now wearing 12 to 18 month size clothes and is talking a lot.  She says "Momma", "Dadda", "Nana" "Papa", "Baba" and other talk.  She loves to bop up and down when music is played and her favorite toys are anything she can put in her mouth, a guitar that plays music, an airplane which plays music, and a large Coca-Cola bear she thinks is real.

I've tried really hard to make sure Madelyn eats meals when we do.  She sits in her high chair and has lunch and dinner with us as a family.  She's loving her sweet potatoes, squash, pears and blueberries and other options of veggies and fruits mixed together.  She seems to prefer her yogurt melts and sweet potato puffs.  She still only has the two bottom teeth although that top one has been trying to come through for a few weeks.

She takes 2 naps a day, most days, although there really isn't a schedule.  With three other kids, activities to run them around to, and just life, Madelyn follows what ever schedule we are on.  Thank God for her easy going personality.  

So many people tell me that she looks like Daddy, but I'm starting to get some comments that she has my eyes.  What do you think?  It has been fun guessing whose traits of each of us she has...

Mom and Madelyn

Dad and Madelyn

Here is a video we captured this month that I love.  

Madelyn is such a gift to us and not just for us as her parents.  As I mentioned before the other kids LOVE her.  Isabelle asks me frequently, "Aren't you glad I brought you sweetie pie to be your baby?"  almost as if she was the one we have to thank for her.  I always answer "Yes I am, thank you Isabelle for bringing her to us." 

And the boys adore her too.  They ask each night to kiss her goodnight and even though I'm holding her at their beds to say good night too, its Madelyn who gets the love.  "Good night Madelyn. I love you!"  they each say.  And the boys have, each on their own time, said, "I love having Madelyn so much.  She's so wonderful." 

 Yes God really did answer our prayers with her.  I like to say she is a heart healer.  She's brought us so much love and joy for her and for each other. 

And so, on that note, I'll conclude with some of the highlights of Maddie's 8th month.  Stay tuned, coming soon (hopefully) will be her 9 month post... 9 months.  How can it be?  I feel some days like I just found out I was pregnant with her.

 

Madelyn, we love you so much and you have been a great gift to all of us.  Life is wonderful with you!

Until next time,

Momma

20 months...

Today Noah would have been 20 months old and I couldn't stop thinking about him all day.

20 months, doesn't that seem so big?  So old?  I can't stop thinking about what he'd be doing.  I'm sure he'd be into everything, running all over, and being an active boy.  While I know if he had survived he would have had countless medical challenges to overcome and that "running around" may not have been his reality.  But to me, when I picture him growing older only in my mind, I see him full of life, a picture of health, with his only challenge being that his momma couldn't keep up with how fast he wants to take life in.  Yes my little boy will never actually turn 20 months, but in my mind he did today.

Soon after arriving at work, I received a text reminder... with a message that made me smile.  Here's the picture that came through on my phone...

Yep there he is, faint in the sky.  I smiled the moment I saw it, the message came from Melanie.  She always did have a special connection with him too.

Noah's presence was seen a few other times throughout my day and tonight at bedtime Isabelle picked a book out to read.  Of the 29 library books we have in the bag waiting to be read, she picked out this book to read tonight...

Yep that's the book she picked she wanted to read tonight.

Oh Noah, how I miss you so.  I'll never stop missing you.  You've taught me to never stop dreaming because in my dreams I see you grow and change and live the life that I wanted us to live together here.  So happy 20 months, I'll see you in my dreams little buddy, until we actually meet again someday.

I love you forever, 

Mom

My 5 year old baby girl...

Five years ago this morning our beautiful daughter was born.  

It was a day I’ll never forget. 

 I remember that morning being typical to say the least, little did I know our world was about to change.  While she wasn’t expected, she was and still is one of the greatest surprises and gifts I’ve ever received.

I’m so glad I wrote down her story here about how we came to be.  It brings tears to my eyes as I read back, and even though it’s now been 5 years, the emotions of those first hours, that first day, are as fresh as the cool spring air. 

Five years ago our beautiful Isabelle joined this world and while I was not lucky enough to give birth to her, I was lucky enough to bring her home from the hospital, to witness all her firsts, and to be called Mom from the very beginning.  These are gifts I do not take for granted and moment I cherish every day.  I can hardly believe Isabelle is five, it seems like yesterday she started crawling and soon I’ll be dropping her off for her first day at Kindergarten.  

As I took her pictures yesterday and watched as she ran across the grass, jumped in the sky and smiled for the camera, I realized my little baby has turned into a beautiful young girl.  Yes, right in front of my eyes.

Isabelle has been a ray of light from day one.  She made my dream of being a mom to a baby come true.  Her gift special and different from the boys.  I cherish each one of the gifts I’ve been given, each for different reasons, yet loved all the same.   Becoming Isabelle’s parents is a reminder to me that the master planner above really is in control.  Of all the babies born each day, and of all those parents-in-waiting praying for the day when their gift arrives, God picked Jarrett and I to be her mom and dad.  There must be a master planner above orchestrating this great performance called life… and in the last 5 years I’ve come to understand he really knows what he’s doing.

While Isabelle and I share different genes and I didn’t give her life, I feel confident in saying we have made each other’s lives wonderful by being a family.  Isabelle is a sweet, strong, smart, spunky and witty young girl who is going to go far in her life. With her two big brothers, she’s more Tom Boy than princess, but girly girl when she wants to be.  My hope is that together Jarrett and I raise her to know that she can do anything she wants, has the confidence to always take risks, and the courage to know that even when she fails, that it is only a temporary setback.  I want her to always know she was wanted and loved more than this earth needs oxygen and that to us she and her siblings are our world. 

I feel like turning 5 years old is a big deal and in being fully honest, each time my children have turned 5 years old, I find myself grieving just a bit.  While there really isn’t much difference in who Isabelle was yesterday at 4 years and 364 days and today at 5 years 0 days, it just seems to be that 5 is so much bigger than 4.  With each passing year I find my children growing a bit more independent, a bit more confident in who they are and who they want to be and I guess in a way that is my job to help them gain that independence.  As much as I will miss the little pockets of fat in her hands where her knuckles have grown in, I always want her to know my hand is always there for her to hold. 

Isabelle has so much to look forward to in her fifth year and I am excited to see how she grows and all she’ll learn.  I know she’s going to love Kindergarten, she’s so social and loves to learn.  I pray that as she begins elementary school that she never loses sight of the care and kindness she possess, that hear ears find loving words over and over and I pray that happiness is her companion. 

Isabelle, Mom and Dad wish you the happiest 5^th birthday.  Five years ago today you made my dream come true, as tears streamed down my face holding you in the nursey at the hospital.  Five years ago yesterday I never thought I’d get to have a baby of my own, and then here you were.  Isabelle you are such a blessing and gift to us.  We love you more than you’ll ever know and are so happy you are in our lives. We love you forever my baby.  While you might be five today, in my mind, I’ll always see you at the sweet little baby with the porcelain skin and the perfectly rose colored lips.  The baby who was born in my heart the moment I learned of you and who will be forever be my love.

Happy Fifth birthday Isabelle.

We love you always,

Mom and Dad

Reminders of Noah...

A post I wrote last week but didn’t get to publish til tonight.

In the last few weeks, I’ve found myself being even more emotional in missing Noah.  Maybe it’s just how grief works, and lately it’s just been another wave of emotion.  Or its the fact that as I see how quickly Madelyn is growing, I can’t help but wonder, what Noah would be, should be doing now.  Or maybe it’s the beautiful pictures of friend’s children, born around the same time Noah was, reaching milestones, I only get to dream that Noah would have made.  Whatever the reason, probably all of them and more, Noah’s been on my mind and the heartstrings feel a bit more pulled as I miss him so.

Sometimes I feel guilty even sharing it, I mean come on… who am I to get to complain.  I have a very blessed life, a home full of healthy, rambunctious  keep-me-on-my-toes kids that fill my heart with emotions each day.  I have a wonderful spouse who supports me, our family and continues to put our needs above his own.  I have a house, a great job, an education and our health.  What right do I have to complain? None

Still I can’t deny the feelings that well up as I think about him and wonder, just wonder, what would he be doing now. 

And as I ponder those moments, what has surprised me the most, is that just when I let them almost consume me in sadness, there he is.  There’s a clear reminder, he’s never really gone.  Unlike Gabriel, Michael, Isabelle and Madelyn who drift into my mind and I can turn a corner, go into the other room or wait for them to come home from school, seeing Noah is different.  The way I see him, is through you.

Like yesterday, it was an emotional day, again I can’t explain why yesterday more than others, but when I was feeling sad, I happened to glance down at my phone and there was a message… I listened and it was Melanie.  She had left me a voice message to say she was at a store and as she was checking out noticed the man next to her didn’t have enough money to cover his purchases.  Melanie said, in that moment she felt a nudge in her soul and walked over to him and asked to pay for his items.  The man, in awe of her offer, paused and then asked how he could pay her back.  Melanie said, at that moment she reached into her wallet and pulled out the card with the picture of the little boy who nudged her into action.  It was Noah’s Kindness Card. She handed it to the man, shared Noah’s story and said, “Please just do something kind for another person.”  She said when the man looked up after reading the card, his eyes were filled with tears.  With sincere gratitude she said, he agreed and said he’d be honored to do so.  She said she called to share with me, not for any recognition or praise, but simply to say that Noah still lives on and is always remembered.

Listening to Melanie’s voice message I, like the man, was in tears.  Hearing the news of how she responded, the response of the man and the kindness that was shared in Noah’s memory instantly brought a smile to my face as I physically felt the sadness weighing down my heart disintegrate.  In that very moment, I felt like Noah was reminding me to keep the faith, to know that he’s okay and to remember the legacy his short but powerful life created. 

And then there was today.  I received a package in the mail, that was sent back in December I believe and was for some reason misplaced.  It arrived today and when I opened it, I found it was from my friend Suzie.  Included in Suzie’s beautiful package was a handwritten, touching letter that outlined her participation in Noah’s Kindness Project.  Given that she was busy with other obligations in October, she decided to participate in her own kindness project in Noah’s honor in December.  She gathered up t-shirts and took a trip up to the Hopi and Navajo reservation and passed out t-shirts to children and family.  Her letter is below…

After reading her picture, my emotions got the best of me and I found myself sobbing… and smiling.

Just beautiful isn't it?

Those aren't postcards, but actual pictures she took of the natural beauty on display in her journey.  

 I think one of the ways that helps me the most is knowing that Noah and his life didn’t just make a permanent imprint on my heart, but also on the hearts and minds of so many.  The fact that family, friends, even strangers continue to share kindness in thinking about him makes me feel love as the hurt and sadness recede.  Seeing Suzie’s note and her beautiful pictures of her time up north, makes me smile as I think about how nice it is that Noah is with other as well.  I love how Suzie wrote how she thinks about him as a little boy and together their adventures were enjoyable.  Peaceful, relaxing, rejuvenating… how nice to know our little angel can share those feelings with people who only met him through the words shared on this blog.  That, as his momma, my heart is healed in ways words can’t accurately describe.

Missing Noah is something I think I’ll forever feel and as much as I never thought I’d get used to it, in the past 592 days since I had to say goodbye, I guess I’ve gotten used to it.  Yes the pain doesn’t hurt like it did in those immediate days, weeks and months after and as I think back now, I’m grateful they don’t.  That time was hell on earth.  When I was at my lowest low and honestly had no will to keep going, Jarrett told me I had to, no choice, he wouldn’t let me stop, even if it was for the next hour, the next day, the next week.  At the time it seemed daunting and like a mountain climb I’d never get to the top of.  Now I can see I’ve reached the top of the mountain, as I look down on how far I’ve climbed.  Yet I look out on the horizon and see other peaks to be reached and other valleys to cross.  I know now though that with each valley, I may miss my boy and the pain in his loss is real and hard.  And then I see the path, I climb the steps, I look ahead and see the reminders, from you… from so many, messages of hope maybe driven from him… that while I can’t see his baby blue eyes (that’s what I guess his eye color would have been), he’s still here, his life still important.

Thank you for reminding me that amidst the feelings of loss there is the feeling of joy.  I smile knowing you thought of our boy as you helped someone else.  I find joy knowing you felt happiness as you shared of your own kindness in Noah’s memory.  And finally I feel love, love that you shared with me, all because of a little boy, who lives amongst the stars but whose spirit is inside many.

Until next time,

Angie