Today was a long day for what will be a long week but I'm pausing to give gratitude for what I have in my life.
That I live in a place where the sunsets and the sunrises are like pictures you'd see in a museum. Lately we've had such pretty scenes as we drive to and from work. Giving thanks that I live in such a pretty place.
And then there's this crazy crew that tests me in every way possible but on nights like tonight when I have to work late and come home to an empty house (well Jack was here to greet me) (thanks Dad for taking the whole crew to yet another baseball game), I realize these crazy moments are fleeting.
Boy will I miss them when they are gone and am I thankful I get to raise them. I love this crazy crew more than they will ever know.
And this one... who still loves to cuddle, who thinks I'm her favorite person in the whole world, and who has shown us that she's a potty training pro! I'm thankful that she's made this process so easy. I'm sad to see the final stages of infancy go because I love babies so much, but I'm so proud of this little one and how she's growing up in front of our eyes.
Love her so much.
and I'm thankful for this... not only for the yumminess that is inside of this cup, but also for the beauty that the barista shared with me as she put so much effort and care into a simple cup of hot chocolate.
Isn't that beautiful... and it tasted just as great.
In times in our lives, when life seems like it can be spinning out of control, when it seems more bad news is happening and life is hard, I'm trying to remind myself of all the things to be grateful for. Both big and small.. there is so much to give thanks for.
So I'm totally going to date mysel,f but in high school I remember Alanis Morissette's song "Isn't it Ironic" playing over and over on the radio, so much so, that to this day I can still scream out the words of her song like I heard them yesterday.
If there was a day when I felt like I was living her song, it was totally today. Today was my Monday, and like every other morning in our house, it was chaotic. The boys start their day before 6 and leave the house by 6:20 each morning to get to cross country practice. After having baseball every night until at least 7:40, most nights its 9:30, they put in some long days. Which means most mornings are a battle to get them up and moving. I can't blame them and they complain but once they are finally there, they love it.
Anyway back to the normal morning...we got the boys out the door and I continued getting ready for work, while I tackled the next challenge... getting Isabelle up. Using the threat that she was going to be late for school again (seriously all the kids were late to school the day before.. like the last bell had already rung and she had to race in before the tardy card and the gate was locked). Thankfully that threat was enough to get her up without too much whining, but then came the constant distractions by anything but getting ready for school. I gave orders as I returned to my bathroom to curl my hair and put on make up. I had to be presentable today, for I was going to be with marketing filming a video for our graduates and so going with the slick back pony tail and polo shirt wasn't going to cut it.
Finally I got Isabelle down to the table and begged her to eat. I put her cereal on the table, took away the toys she had and told her to eat. I thought I had gotten through that challenge well enough so I decided to take on what I thought was going to be the last big hurdle before facing the triathlon of hurdles at work. The challenge... waking up Madelyn for school.
I've said it before but Madelyn is definitely a night owl, which means she's NOT an early bird. She's like a college student on winter break... she'd sleep til 10 each day if we'd let her. It probably doesn't help that she refuses to go to sleep unless I'm going to sleep. So I guess if I'd adopted the sleeping habits of a 38 year old mom of 4, at the age of 2, I'd want to sleep til 10 too. Heck, I want to sleep til 10 now!
Anyway, as I approached my side of the bed which she gladly assumed full reign of when I crawled out of it, and I came up with my strategy, my several plans to make her wake with joy, comply with all my requests with ease and my already behind schedule strategy hope that it was going to be a breeze. Some call it naive... I call it being foolish.
Of course as I tried to gently wake her she shouted NO, rolled over and put the covers over her head. A two-year old teenager, I swear! Then I gave up and immediately defaulted to my go-to parenting strategy... negotiation and bribery. "Madelyn if you get up, I'll make you some yummy oatmeal." NO. Madelyn, do you want to play with your toys, let's get up and I'll get you your toys! (fingers crossed). NO, NO Mom LEAVE ME ALONE! After 15 more pleas and begs for compliance, I decided I'd just pick her up and carry her to the potty (oh did I fail to mention we decided to tackle potty training this week too?) Kicking and screaming the entire way, "LET ME DOWN. NO MOM, LEAVE ME ALONE!" The whole way then throwing a fit in the bathroom and trying to run back to bed, I scooped her up and decided to try candy... who cares that it was before 7 am. I'm a pretty easy negotiator...I had already gone through three negotiations and it was hella early! After about 10 minutes of finally getting her convinced to go potty, we then attempted to try to get her pajamas off and put her into clothes.
With the kindness in sparing you most of the details, lets just say it didn't go smoothly. Lots of tears, mom throwing her towel in a few times and negotiating with myself if the judgement (of taking her to school in her pj's) from the other parents and teachers was worth it instead of fighting. But in the end I decided my will was stronger than her fit and that I'd find a way to get clothing on her. I think most police negotiators should have to try to practice their skills against a toddler, that would totally prepare them what ever future on-the-job challenges they have. Finally, after 5 different shirts to pick, 3 different pairs of pants, 3 sock choices and two different shoe selections I finally got Madelyn in clothes. I felt ragged, stressed and like I had been through a battle but she was dressed, ready for school and we were only 10 minutes late.
Finally we left the house, I told Jarrett to race to the school and I tried in the 1 mile drive to the school, to decompress. As we pulled into the parking lot, I saw a mom walking hand in hand with her son who appeared to be 2 also. Jarrett pulled into the space and I jumped out as the mom and boy passed by me. It was then that I noticed the little boy was wearing his pajamas. I smiled and said, "we had the same battle this morning." hoping to make the mom feel better about giving in to the parent and teacher judgement of taking your kid to school in their pj's. The mom looked at me with a questioning look on her face, then smiled kindly as she walked into the school. I didn't think twice about it, I had to get Madelyn out of the car and into her classroom in less than a minute, we had 9 minutes to make up.
I opened the door to the school, walked to the directors desk to sign her in when I saw the director. I looked as her and thought... wow she must have had quite the morning too, wearing a loose baggy t-shirt instead of her normal dress attire. She said good morning and then got called by a teacher down the hall. As she stood up, I saw her pants and then immediately thought back to the questioning look the mom with the little boy gave me, and then the little boy. I paused, turned around to the computer sign in and that's when I saw the sign...
Happy Pajama Day!
Without a filter I blurted out, "You've GOT to be KIDDING Me!" I looked at the teacher and then said, Is it seriously pajama day?" She smiled with excitement and said, "YES, it is! This is my favorite day, just wake up and come to work with the same clothes you sleep in. It's the best morning to get out the door". I could hardly believe it. Seriously, is all I could say.
Seriously.... its all I can still say.
Isn't it Ironic. Don't you think? It's like rain on your wedding day. It a free ride, when you've already paid. It good advice that you just didn't take. Is like fighting your two year old to get out her pajamas and put on regular clothes for school, when it turns out to be pajamas day. Isn't it ironic.
I guess some days are just like that. We'll try again tomorrow, I promise, and start the day off much like today did. At least tomorrow when I fight the battle, I'll know it can't be pajama day two days in a row. Or maybe I'll just give in and decide we will celebrate pajama day on our own day.
Until next time,
Angie
PS: And in addition to the pajamas it turns out tomorrow I have to dress up all over again... for some reason the camera didn't record the video I did today, so guess we'll try again tomorrow. Isn't it ironic.
I'm feeling quite embarrassed that NKP was over a month ago and I still didn't get this post finished until now!
Wow, what an incredible day yesterday was. I think I'm still walking among the clouds.
From the moment we woke up to the moment we crashed last night, everything was so much fun and incredible to see all the ways you helped us honor Noah and spread kindness. There are so many acts of kindness you did that I loved, I'm not sure where to start. I"m grateful for Facebook's posts that allow you to go back in time and reread old posts, I think I'll be going back and rereading what you shared with us for months to come.
While Noah's Kindness Project is technically the first Saturday in October, the reality is that it starts many months before and has grown to be something we find so much happiness and joy in all year round.
Actually right after NKP ends the year before, we start planning for next year. We order supplies, save money to be able to do the acts of kindness and figure out what of the many deserving community service efforts we'd like to try to implement.
This year we purchased coolers with our NKP name on them to give to families in the NICU and Antepartum. We fill the coolers with lots of goodies and care package items that the families might need while they are in the hospital. Campbell's Crew Cares helped us to purchase supplies to put in the cooler and they were able to even provide a gift card to each family for meals while they are in the hospital. The kids like to help stuff the bags.
Another thing we did this year was change our plans for our normal balloon release. For the last three years we've done a balloon release where we write messages to Noah and release them into the air. This year as I was thinking about how bad the balloon release is for the environment, I decided to change the release up a bit and instead we purchased Mylar balloons and tied gift bags to the bottom of them as weights and then we instead delivered 49 of them to the kids at Cardon's Chidren's Hospital.
Here's Isabelle barely able to be seen in the car with the 50 balloons!
And the treats we used to pack into baggies at the bottom of the balloon!
We also take lunch and snacks to the staff in Antepartum and the NICU
Another activity we did was decorate USPS boxes for the troops who are deployed and serving our country. These boxes will be shipped overseas at Christmas.
Here are some of the balloons we shared.
We also made these rainbow crafts and then took them along with some fall pictures to a local nursing home to share with the residents.
And another fun activity was the kindness stones. We are grateful for those who came to our house to decorate them and share them around our community!
On the morning of NKP we got up bright and early and headed downtown to the Phoenix Children's Hospital 5K run/walk. Madelyn was unsure why we were up so early!
When we got downtown we met up with the others who kindly joined our team.
The boys were excited to start off at the front of the running pack.
Most of our Noah's Kindness Project team!
Soon enough the race was off!
All done!
Happy to be done!
I think we were all excited to be finished!
Post-race festivities
Thankful for all who came down to particpate and be a part of the fun that was the PCH event!
Another exciting thing that happened at the race was that Isabelle got to hang with the beautiful ladies who represent the state of Arizona for their different pageant awards.
Isabelle got to take her picture with the girls.
Madelyn wasn't quite sure about why the princess wasn't named Elsa.
After the race we went back to our house where we worked on the crafts!
After crafts and lunch we went to the place where it all started. Banner Desert Medical Center.
Here Melanie and Brandi two of Noah's nurses came along to join us as we donated a cuddle cot to the NICU. This was the gift I was most excited about as I prayed it would be able to help a family, like us, who experienced great loss, and that the cuddle cot could give comfort and more time for family with their baby.
Campbell Faulkner, is an incredible little boy whose faced many medical challenges in his life, and at the age of 12 started his own charity to help give hope. Campbell and his family have been very supportive of our family and thanks to Campbell and his fundraising efforts, they helped us to be able to purchase this gift.
When we got to the NICU the room was filled with our crew of family and friends and the news media, who wanted to hear our story and why we wanted to share the gift.
The stories the news media ran about our donation are below.
And then after we shared our gifts with the NICU we went to the pediatric floors of Cardons to share the gifts with other children and their families going through harder times.
When I talked to the Faulkner family about the Cuddle Cot they became our biggest supporters to help make it happened and they brought together another wonder family, the Colten Cowell Foundation to contribute as well. The family of Colten Cowell is incredible and started the foundation in memory of their young son who passed away. They are now the driving force behind the Batcave that grants wishes to children facing life-challenging medical conditions and they give them an evening of fun to forget about all their worries.
For more information about the Colten Cowell Foundation please visit: https://coltencowellfoundation.org/
And the fun did not end there, after the hospital, we went back to one of our favorite Feed My Starving Children community service events . We had a great job packing food for starving children and families and always enjoy having such a large group representing NKP. Thank you to all of you who joined us!
This baby is just one of the children who receive the nutrients packaged by volunteers at the FMSC centers. This baby was found thrown in an outhouse bathroom because he was too weak and they didn't think he would make it because he had been starving too long.
They said when they found him, he was within hours or a day of death
The people who rescued him were able to give him some this food that saved his life.
Thank you to everyone who came to join us and to be a part of the NKP team. Seeing images of our group makes my heart grow with gratitude and love. We are so thankful for you!
And finally before we wrapped up the very busy and meaningful day, we joined back up with Campbells Crew Cares to donate several vehicles full of gifts to share with CASS (Central Arizona Shelter Services), specifically their short term housing apartments for many women and children.
We were honored to get to help collect food and personal items to donate.
Thanks to the many who donated and Campbell's Crew Cares support, we were able to fill their supply shed.
When we finally got home after a day filled with so much joy, love and especially kindness, we walked around almost in shock about how moving that day had been.
As the sun got ready to set, we took our one balloon outside that we had signed with our message to Noah and as our family we released his balloon up into the sky to celebrate and say thank you for all that his life has inspired and created.
When Noah was born so early and we prayed harder than we ever had in our lives that he would survive and overcome the mountainous obstacles in front of him, we felt crushed, like our prayers were unheard and unsure how how to move. It was because of the great love, the thoughtfulness and especially the kindness by so many of you, that we were carried in those hard hard days.
Today I look back on Noah's life and his passing with a completely different perspective than I did in those early days. I still wish he was here instead, but I know that will never be. I now look at his life and I give great thanks. I give thanks for the 12 days we had and that his life while short here, can still be carried on. In each of us, in all of you who support Noah's Kindness Project and in all those who benefit from the acts of kindness you share.
As a mother who carries her child in her heart instead of her arms, one of the most healing and loving acts anyone can do to support her grief is to remember, to honor and to celebrate her missing child along with her living ones.
.
To so many of you who help us share kindness in Noah's memory... thank you. We are forever grateful.
Finally, I share one of my favorite pictures that you shared with us. This is a picture of my nephew's pre-school class picture who helped participate in Noah's Kindness Project this year. I love this picture for so many reasons. These are the hands that will shape our future. They will be the ones who lead our country. To see the lessons of kindness imparted to them, I hope, it will be something that stays with them for their entire life.
And finally, in this picture I think of Noah. He would have been about this same age had his lived longer. I wish his hand was in this picture. But then I looked at the picture again and realized he is in this picture. His spirit lives on in all those beautiful little hands that help to share kindness in his memory. We are deeply touched.
Three years ago tonight was Noah's due date and it was a date I would hope I remembered because of the surplus of happiness and joy it was supposed to have given us when he was born. I know he could have come on a different date, but from the moment we found out we were expecting and what his due date was, October 3 immediately a symbol for what was to come.
Anticipation. Hope. Love. That's what October 3, 2015 was supposed to be.
Never could I have dreamed of what twists and turns were waiting for us and as I sit and think back to three years ago tonight, I remember feeling the following way.
Anticipation. Hope. Love.
While I was not holding my son in my arms on October 3, 2015, I was holding an immeasurable amount of love, hope, anticipation and yes kindness in my heart.
Thanks to the many who turned out and participated in Noah's Kindness Project that first year, we were able to take a date that could have been filled with hurt and so much sadness, and instead fill it with the feelings we longed for when we first learned Noah was with us.
These last several weeks I've been thinking over and over about why we do Noah's Kindness Project. We do it to help other people. We do it as a way to try to pay back others for all the love and kindness that was shared with us in our hardest days. We do it because it honestly makes us feel good too. We do it because we have been blessed and feel it is our turn to share blessings with others. We do it all, we do it all... because of him.
Noah.
This boy.
This precious baby who fit in the palm of his daddy's hands when he was weighed but created a place so big in our hearts it is forever etched with love for him.
My life has been permanently changed because of a tiny tiny baby that grew in my stomach for only 24 weeks and lived in our world for only 12 days. A tiny baby that never got to experience so much of what life has to offer, and yet was able to teach me more in his life than I perhaps have learned from anyone else.
The lessons of unending love. The lesson of grief. The belief in what happens beyond this world. The lesson that hurt and sadness can be eased by giving more of yourself, when honestly you don't feel like you have anything worthy of giving. The lesson in hope. In finding hope in the darkest of days, the kind of hope you can't see, feel or hardly believe exists but know you must trust it is there and do your best to keep going. These are just a few of the many lessons I have learned in the time I have lived with and without my son here.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, or wish he was here. But also in the three years we've been separated, I've come to accept the truth that I don't get to raise him. I will never see him grow. I will only get to have the memories of 12 days, that those 12 days have to last my lifetime. I have no doubt they will.
And even though I do not like that he is not here, I do like all that has come from his life and find great joy in what is accomplished on one day each year when we celebrate Noah's Kindness Project. I love that a group of people from all different corners of this world come together to share kindness, spread joy, give hope and love. When I think of the legacy our tiny boy who lived only 12 days has, I am proud, oh so proud to be his momma.
So on this day that reminds me of how different life is, than what I expected it to be, I still try to smile. I smile, after I took a moment to feel sad and honor just how hard grief can be in losing a baby. But I smile, I breathe soaking up the clean air that fills my lungs, and I press forward. Because that's what we need to do. Noah can't be here to live out his life, so I will do my best, in the days I am given to live for him, and for me, and I live for my other children and Jarrett. I guess I live for you too. Friend or family or stranger or not... we are all here to try to make this world a better place, to care for others by giving of ourselves.
On this October 3, 2018, I feel many things, but mostly I feel
Anticipation. Hope. Love.
Thanks to all of you who make Noah's Kindness Project as special as it. We honor our son, but we have unending gratitude to you.
