4 years ago tonight, I held you for the first and last time...

Four years ago tonight we were surrounded by our family as we prayed for you, we wished harder than anything for a miracle and we begged God to let you stay.  I think the doctors and nurses knew our time was limited and secretly I think deep down inside I knew too.  I wanted to believe it was a bad dream, one that we'd wake up from and find you healthy... instead we faced minute after minute of our worst fears unfolding and we longed to do anything we could to change the situation. As we went through the moments, almost numb to the reality we were living, I found myself humming the song, "How Great Thou Art."  Maybe that was God telling me he was with us.

Four years ago tonight Noah, Dad and I got to hold you for what would be the one and only time with you connected to wires and tubes keeping you alive.  We vividly recorded each moment of feeling your skin pressed up against ours, your strength to turn your head even as your daddy held you close and we prayed that God would give you the strength to overcome your greatest obstacle and let you stay.

Tonight I think back to that night and all the memories are still so fresh, I grieve your loss still to this day.  Noah, while life has continued and we have found joy and happiness again, I will always miss you, always love you and always long for you to be with us.

Four years ago tonight, Isabelle met you for the first time and our boys tried to understand what it would mean that we most likely wouldn't get to bring you home with us. Dad and I tried to be strong for the big kids while our hearts shattered inside.  We hugged each other, we prayed together and we took photos, ones we knew would be few in number... but we did it to cherish the time we did get and to have images that I cherish more than money or any possessions one can buy.

It is our family photo, of real raw emotion, of sadness, shock, and desperation that our wish could still come true.

Tonight as I go to sleep and wake up to the reality that another year has passed with me not getting to hug or kiss you good morning, I try to change my mindset and replace it instead with hope that someday we will get to be together again.  Noah, no matter how many years passes, I want you to know that your life continues to impact me, our family and even the larger world.  I believe your legacy lives on and as your momma that makes me happy.  I try to live a life that would make you proud, a life that lives not only for me but also for you.  To carry on giving thanks for the blessings I have and when I can try to make the lives of others better, for your life and presence here made our lives so much better.  

Noah while the memories of 4 years ago tonight make me feel sad and long to have you here, I vow to wake up tomorrow and search for the rainbows you leave for us to see.  NO matter how many years pass, you will always be my baby, you will always be longed for, and loved more than you'll ever know.  

Missing you always and forever my precious baby boy. 

Love you always,

your momma

Worlds best babysitters... or so they say.

This past weekend I signed up the boys to take a babysitters class at a local hospital.  They were surprisingly very interested in taking the course with the hope that they can "get rich babysitting kids"  

I was glad to hear they were interested and thought the course was great given that in 5 hours they would learn first aid and CPR as well as basic life saving skills, all while learning about how to take care of kids.  Gabriel went into the class thinking he already knew everything... "seriously mom this is going to waste our time, with having Madelyn and Isabelle, we know everything."  

Michael was very serious about the class, took his notebook in and planned to take lots to notes. I told them I wanted to hear all they learned.  After dropping them off we went on upon our day til it was time to pick them up. 

As they came out of the class Michael proudly held his completion certificate and walked with a new stance of confidence in being trained.  The first to open the car door, his first words were, "I'm officially the world's best babysitter." I laughed jokingly and said, "I'm sure you are."  

And then Gabriel got in the car.  Unlike Michael his first words were, "Oh my gosh that was SO embarrassing."  My thought was, I'm guessing you aren't the "world's best babysitter" then?  

The boys had a lot to share with us and talked over each other for the first 10 minutes of the car ride.  Michael pulled out his notebook and recited his notes and what he learned, quizzing me.  To his surprise I actually knew the answers.  He said, "Geez mom you would be a good babysitter."  

After arguing with each other for a few minutes, finally Gabriel said, "Michael let me tell mom what happened."  Michael started laughing in his high pitched squeal.  I knew this had to have something with the "so embarrassing" comment.  

The story Gabriel shared was they were learning how to change a baby's diaper and Gabriel thought it had it all under control... for he was around when Isabelle and Madelyn wore diapers.  Turns out in reality he didn't change too many (actually none).  As they were putting their diapers on the babies, Gabriel's teacher shared with him that he had put the diaper on backwards.  In his attempt to switch it around quickly, he pulled the diaper off, picked up the baby and the baby shot poop all over his shirt and onto his face!  Yes, just like they show in the movies!

Gabriel said, "Mom it was the worst thing ever and I almost threw up all over!"  Everyone in the whole car started bursting out in laughter.  It was HEEE-LARIOUS!!!!  Gabriel, now smiling, looked at me and said, "MOM IT WAS NOT FUNNY!"  Especially since most of the class was filled with girls his age. 

He went on and on about the details of exactly what transpired.  Meanwhile, Michael interjected that he was the fastest in the class to change the diapers and won a prize.  

Gabriel was concerned his nice shirt was ruined.  I explained that his experience isn't all that uncommon in reality and he needed to be prepared it could happen again. 

The boys are ready to begin their babysitting services and I told them Dad and I might have to try them out.  They offered us a discount for their services since we are family... we only have to pay $6.00 each per sitter per hour.

In their words, "Mom'that's quite the deal, especially since you'd be getting two of the worlds best babysitters."

Until next time,

Angie

A great father's day weekend for a great father...

This weekend Dad had a work conference in Scottsdale and had spent the later part of last week and weekend at the resort location.  With father's day approaching he invited the kids and I up to join him for the last night at the resort.  

It was a lot of fun and especially exciting for the kids given that we have no vacation plans this summer.  Here are a few photos from the fun day we were able to spend together.

The boys are at an age where they have to constantly tease dad or act cool (hence how they appear in the photo), Isabelle was over the moon thrilled about losing her tooth, hence her huge smile... and Madelyn she thinks Daddy is the best thing in the whole world... hence her clinging to his arm.   

We let Dad open his fathers day gift a day early.  

The girls had made him a painted pottery item and all the kids made dad a nice card.

After dad took the girls swimming, dad and the boys bonded over a baseball video game on Dad's phone.

 After spending the night in the hotel we woke up the next morning, had breakfast in the hotel and then left.  We decided on our way home to take the kids to the Scottsdale mall.  Who knew hanging out or visiting the mall was such a highlight.  

I found a place to sit while the boys wandered around looking at all the stores and after getting the boys a pair of shoes they wanted, the girls were treated to a build-a-bear.  The kids kept asking when kids day was and while we tell them it was every other day of the year, turns out Father's day was a pretty good day for the kids too.

Here are a few pictures of the girls getting their new favorite stuffed animals.

They were really excited if the pictures don't convey it enough.  

As we were getting ready to leave the mall, Madelyn found a drinking fountain and wanted a drink.  In a moment of sweetness by her big brother, he volunteered to help her.  I had to snap a picture because its moment's like this that make me thankful we have such a big family.  The big boys are great helps with the girls and the girls love their big brothers (most of the time) and vice versa.  

We have a lot to be thankful for, including the fact that we get to have such a great dad in our lives.  Jarrett works hard to provide for our family in all the ways a great dad does.  It was a nice time to spend as a family and even though we were only a few miles away from home, it felt like a mini vacation and everyone had fun.

Until next time,

Angie

Happy fourth birthday Noah!

Four years ago tonight, I laid in a hospital bed completely unaware that in less than 5 hours I would be giving birth to you, our miracle little boy.  Noah, I remember that night thinking that I was feeling warmer than normal and the contractions were still coming more regularly, but I had no idea that meant you were needing to come sooner rather than later. Hooked up to the monitor I heard your heart rate, knew it was a bit higher than normal but assumed all was well.  My mother in law sat with me as Jarrett had gone home for the first time in a few days to shower, grab new clothes and check in with the family there.  Kristal, our amazing nurse, popped in every once in a while to check things and while I think back now and wonder if she was trying to get my attention, she was patient and kind as always.

Soon Jarrett had returned, Nana went home for the evening and Kristal reappeared.  She shared with us that they were concerned that your heart rate was higher, and that perhaps you were developing an infection after going almost a week without any fluid.  She said that the doctors would be down but that they would be moving me to the labor and delivery side and that they were removing the magnesium.  I was so scared Noah, I was so worried for technically we were only 23 weeks and 6 days and with so many questions, my first one was if they would try to save you... for 24 weeks was their cut off for viability.

The next few hours were a whirlwind… Dr. Hollar, the doctor on call that night, came in to talk with us, the doctors from the NICU tried to prepare us for what we would expect.  It was all so scary, and at the same time I could feel the contractions getting stronger and stronger.  After the many visits from the professionals with their opinions and feedback, Kristal was back to get me moved over.  I looked up from her, and said, "Kristal, I"m so scared. We never even took a birthing class, I don't know what to do."  She calmly and with complete reassurance explained as best she could and that I could do it.  Typically the nurses in antepartum don't move over to the other side where deliveries take place, so she told me she would probably be passing me over to another nurse.  I wished she could stay with me, her calming personality was so reassuring. Thankfully that wish would come true.

Once moved over to a delivery room, she helped me get hooked up to the monitor and soon the contractions were coming one after another.  I tried to breathe through them while trying to stay calm for you.  I remember staring up at the curtain rod above a window way above my head.  That was my focal point.  Labor, while the most painful physical experience I had ever endured, seemed to move quickly and soon they were getting ready for me to push.  Dr. Hollar appeared and asked me to get an epidural as she thought it would help make the pushing more smooth and less traumatic for you.  Hearing that I didn't disagree.  Soon a long needle was in my back, relieving so much pain and I was pushing.  It was only a matter of a couple pushes and there you were.  The most beautiful experience of my life.  You let out a tiny cry and were rushed over to a bed where a whole team of doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists and more worked on you.  I was so scared, so happy, so relieved you were alive and so in love.  It was a mixture of all the emotions one could feel all at the same time.

My first picture of you!

While I never got to hold or touch you, they did show me you in the bed with the breathing tube in, before they whisked you off to the NICU.  Dad followed behind and I was left in a much quieter room to finish the rest of the delivery part.

What would I give to touch those precious fingers now.  

Noah, you had made me a mom for the fourth time.  You had given me a gift that night in allowing me to experience what I believe is one of the greatest gifts this life brings and you had taught me the power of instant love in one of the scariest, hardest moments I had been given.  It was only the start of the gifts you and your life would bring.

Tonight I sit in bed and think about what life would be like if you were here.  I find myself looking for young boys that I believe to be your age and I wonder... would you be like them?  Would you look like dad or I? Would you personality be easy-going or more emotional (like your mom)?  I'm sure you would look up to your big brothers with almost heroic views.  And I'm sure they'd love being your teachers for baseball and showing you all sorts of trouble you could get in with their crazy ideas.  And I'm sure Isabelle would be a great "little mom" for you telling you what to do and what not to do.  And Madelyn, probably you two would fight over toys.  

Noah I wonder what life would be like with you here and yet in a way I still feel you are here.  There was recently an article in the news about a person who wrote a letter to Dear Abby (she's an advice columnist).  The letter was about a mom who had lost her baby too and how she still honored and celebrated her child's birthday.  The author of the letter asked Dear Abby her thoughts on this.  Abby responded with a criticism saying the mom needed to move on and that it was probably inappropriate to talk about her deceased child and to celebrate their birthday.  I read the response and I felt so sad for the response this person was given.

Noah, while you are not physically here, you are physically, emotionally and spiritually a part of me for the rest of my life.  While I don't get to see you grow, mark you height charts on the wall or watch you throw a ball, swim or make a funny face when you eat something sour, I will, for the rest of my life continue to remember, to honor and to share who you were. 

Noah because of you our life is better.  Because of you, our life has been blessed in countless ways.  Because you lived and you had to leave us so soon, I am a different person.  I see the world in ways I could have never envisioned on June 12, 2015.  Noah because of you, we have been given so much kindness, we have met strangers that became the best of friends, we have grown to appreciate those in our lives more than we did before.  And Noah because of you, I dream of someday, when my job and time here is done, that we can be together again.  

Noah, I see now that you were sent here to teach me so much.  To show me how to live differently, how to make the most of the time we are given, to follow my dreams so matter how scary or crazy others may think they are.  

Noah, you've taught me to look to the sky for beauty, to watch for signs as I truly know they are from you.  Noah, you've taught me that love doesn't die when some one's body does.  And Noah, you remind me to always believe in the impossible,  for they told us your life would be impossible in this world, and you showed them it wasn't true.

Noah, my precious angel baby, while my heart longs for you always and I wish you were here, I accept our lives are separated for now.  I try to do my best to honor your life and to live for you.  Tomorrow we will visit your one and only home in this world and share gifts of kindness with others, like we were given when you arrived.  We will spend the day as a family giving thanks for each other and we will reminisce about those moments we shared.

I don't know if they celebrate birthdays in Heaven, maybe only birthdays of when you arrive there instead.  But I hope our loves ones with you will give you an extra hug and a kiss from your momma.  Noah, my love for you never ends and I send the happiest of birthday wishes to you.  

Happy 4th birthday of your birth in our lives.

Sending my love through the skies....
Mom  

A quiet weekend... as a family of four

 Two weeks ago when we sent the boys to church camp, we had a quiet weekend at home with just the four of us.  In some ways Jarrett and I looked forward to a little less chaos and a little more down time.  It isn't necessarily the boys, okay maybe it is, but having the constant go go go schedule, well it makes us feel tired!

We do it to ourselves, and most times when we do have downtime we're not sure what to do with ourselves.  However on this occasion we knew exactly what we wanted to do... quiet afternoons, opportunities to possibly nap, and a chance to spend some extra quality time with the girls.

And that is just what we did.  Isabelle wanted to go to the Spaghetti Factory so one afternoon for lunch we did that.  And she was so excited... as you can see from these pictures!

And Madelyn was having fun too.  

The girls asked to sit in the trolley car, so we did and they thought it was extra cool.  

After a yummy lunch loading up on carbs we came home and the girls wanted to watch a show.  So we sat down to watch a movie together and soon it turned into nap time.... well at least for dad and I it did.  

I can tell you, that nap time at our house is pretty non-existent, even for Madelyn these days.  So to get to take a nap, was pure 100% glory.  Wow did that feel good.

And while there was downtime and relaxation there were also chores. Including having to go get a new car battery after ours took a turn and quit.  We tried jumping it and it wasn't successful and we had to laugh because when we said let's try to jump it, the girls (actually Isabelle first) thought that meant we actually had to jump up and down really fast to help get the car going.  It was so cute.  

In our crazy, but oh so good life there isn't a lot of quiet, down moments so it was nice to have this weekend together where we got to recharge and the boys got to have fun at camp.

Until next time,

Angie

Keeping them busy...

We are two weeks into summer break and it would be the truth if I've already blessed the kids' teachers many many times.  I don't know how they do it.  Perhaps its that our kids have been home together most days and are sick and tired of the same walls and same people to play with.  Or it's that my kids can't get along and just like to argue and fight, all of them.  My grandpa always would say, fighting is a good thing, it means your kids are healthy and there's a blessing right there. I guess he is right. I'd gladly take fighting over having some real health concerns to worry about.

So we've been trying to keep them busy. They get daily homework assignments (I've been informed they are the only kids in the history of the world that have to do homework in the summer), we have them help with chores, which I often have to make them redo because I am a stickler in that if you're going to do something you should do it quality.  Much to their dismay and disagreement, they don't think quality is a necessity when it comes to doing things sometimes.  I'm determined to break that habit.  And then we have some scheduled activities. The middle two are doing summer academy school, Gabe is doing a few camps and Madelyn she gets to go to daycare/preschool still.  In the evenings the three older kids are doing swim team which started this week.  And in between all that they seem to still have plenty of free time.  

Just this past week I decided Gabriel could help my parents out by trimming their pineapple palm at their house. It was actually a chore he was interested in doing because he could chop, cut and use his "developing" manly skills.  (He's still afraid of the tiniest bug so we have a lot of room for growth).  The little kids stayed in the care watching a movie and Michael with his hand injury was only there for verbal support (or criticism). 

He ended up getting it trimmed and looking a bit better and after he had it all picked up he insisted he was exhausted for the rest of the day. :-)

This summer should be filled with lots of fun and hopefully new family members that we will always cherish.... just to keep them busy enough that they don't fight.

Any ideas?  I'd gladly welcome them.

Until next time,

Angie

Happy 3rd birthday Madelyn!

Two weeks ago Madelyn turned 3 and I can hardly believe our baby is now three.  Where have the past several years gone.

It goes without saying we can't imagine our family without her.  She is so spunky, funny, happy-go-lucky and the center of most our attention.  We all love her and her happy self.

Madelyn loves to play with her big sister, pretty much serves as Isabelle's shadow and goes along with (mostly) with what ever Isabelle suggests.  They play really well together, only fighting when Madelyn finally insists on having her way every once in a while.  You can tell at the end of the day when Madelyn comes home or Isabelle sees her they are very happy to reconnect and start playing again.

The boys think Madelyn is pretty cute too, although they think she's too spoiled because she bosses them around.  Perhaps there is some truth in their claim, although I remind them when they were her age, they were spoiled too.  Actually in my opinion they are still spoiled but they firmly disagree.

Madelyn's favorite things are playing pretend, singing songs, playing with PlayDoh, giving hugs and digging out lots of toys she never wants to pick up.  Madelyn seems to be a fast learner, or perhaps its being the youngest of 4 with older siblings but even before she was 3 she could name all of her letters, draw out several of them and can spell "mom", "dad" and almost her name (Madelny) is how she spells it.

She likes to read books and her favorite thing at night is to sleep right up in between mom and dad.  Thankfully she seems to gravitate toward dad at night, so mom has plenty of room to stretch out.

Madelyn was very excited about turning three and when we asked her what she wanted for her birthday she kept saying, I want banana cake.  She likes to help me bake and really likes banana cake with cream cheese frosting.  It wasn't until her actual birthday that she realized she could get presents.  I was secretly thankful she didn't understand she could ask for something other than her birthday cake.  Oh and the other funny thing is that she invited everyone (and I mean everyone) to her birthday party.... the check out clerk at the grocery store, her teachers, people at church, and of course her family.

As I think back on the past three years I can't believe how much joy and happiness she has brought into our lives.  We love each of the kids for their own special and unique reasons and raising Madelyn is no different.  Her personality is hard not to love and she makes us laugh daily.

I give thanks every night that I turn over in bed and hear her sleeping, that she is with us.  I will never forget the miracle that bringing her here was.  For so many weeks I prayed, and worried, and hoped that we'd be able to carry her to viability and that she would be born healthy and safe.  And for the last three years,  everyday I am reminded what a gift she is.

It's hard to believe baby girl that you are now three.  And yet watching you grow is so much fun.  You are smart, beautiful, funny and loved more than you'll ever know.  Happy 3rd birthday Madelyn Faith.

We love you!

Until next time,
Mom and Dad