The 8th Grade Promotion and the last day of her 3rd year

Today was a busy day....  We had to get up early to go to the elementary school to pick up Isabelle's classroom belongings.  It didn't hit me until we got in the parking lot how sad it was to be back there.  The Principal and teachers were lined up (6 feet apart) in masks handing over the bagged items of our children's stuff.  Not how we expected the last day of school to be.

We continued on with our days... mom worked and had 1,000 interruptions, and swim was a part of it...

The kids are getting bored after being at home for so long.  Today they couldn't think of anything else to do so they decided to have a "sit as long as you can competition".  Twenty seconds into it Michael announced, "I can already tell this is not going to have a good ending for me."  It was about 20 seconds after that he got up and walked away saying... well that wasn't very much fun.

This little guy is adjusting his naps now down to only 2 a day. He was taking upwards of 4 shorter ones but now he takes one long one (hopefully at least 1 hour) and then a shorter one at the end of the day. He has to be exhausted and you think that would mean he would sleep all night... nope he still likes to snuggle with me 3 or 4 times a night.  BTW... have you seen the bags under my eyes?

By mid-afternoon, Madelyn was "exhausted" from her busy day of indoor playing and Isabelle decided to teach Jennings some new yoga moves.  

Daddy took a break to come down for more coffee and his mini-me insisted on getting daddy time.  Isabelle jumped in on the opportunity too.

Jarrett ran tonight to pick up our grocery order and Jennings was NOT happy daddy was leaving again.  Here is is crying as dad drove down the street, and then we went back inside... it was so nice out today, definitely need to get out more tomorrow.

 This afternoon we had Gabe's 8th grade promotion ceremony and I don't truly think it's hit me yet that he will be starting high school in a few months.  Seriously how can this be.

Their promotion ceremony was virtual and it made me sad to think he didn't get to see his classmates in person to say goodbye or the promotion dance he dreamed about us getting a limo for him and his buddies to go in (we weren't going to do it but we let him dream about it).  All those fun things to celebrate, like his 8th grade year season of baseball... all of it vanished.  He didn't seem to moved by it, I think he's adjusted to life at home and as long as he can play video games, he doesn't seem much bothered.

The other big thing today was that it was Madelyn's last day of her 3rd year.  I can't believe tomorrow when I wake up she will be 4.  I'm actually having a harder time with that I think than the fact Gabe will be in high school.  I still remember 4 years ago tonight being in labor and so so so excited to welcome a healthy baby girl.  It seems like so much has happened in these last 4 years and yet it seems like that night couldn't have been 4 years ago.

Madelyn has grown so much this year, probably no longer being the baby in the house, she is so smart, funny, loving and just wonderful.  I love everything about her, even when she screams my name to help her "wipe".  She told me a few days ago, "Mom, when I turn 4 years old and I am big you won't have to help me wipe my butt."  I keep telling her each day... the countdown is now at 5 days and she just smiles and says, "Yep, I"m going to be big then."

I will try to write more about her tomorrow but tonight after Madelyn went to bed, Isabelle came back downstairs (they share a room and get tucked in at the same time, and helped me decorate the house and wrap her presents.  It was wonderful to get to spend some one on one time with Isabelle and to watch her excitement in preparing a special day for Madelyn.  She probably said 15 times, I"m so excited for Maddie tomorrow.  As much as the girls fight, and they definitely do, these two are very close and great playmates.  Madelyn looks up to Isabelle and Isabelle loves to tell Madelyn what to do.  Now turning 4 Madelyn has realized she doesn't have to agree with everything Isabelle says and that's usually what leads to the fights.

a sample of what our days are like

In other news Jennings continues to have more and more teeth coming in and he uses my arm like a dog chews on a raw hide bone.  Needless to say we are working on getting him to understand that "NO" mean's NO.  I'm not making too much progress as my arms is bruised from my shoulder to down below my elbow.  We still love him to pieces, he's kind of like the little baby I think on the Incredibles... he has more strength than he knows.

He has learned how to dance...

 He is ever so happy to play with his siblings..

and he's getting more comfortable trying to take a few steps of his own...

Finally he's starting to tell us how he feels about certain things....

As we near the hour of midnight yet again, I am going to try to turn in earlier than the last few nights... I want to be able to enjoy the day when Madelyn wakes up... she's asked for Pancakes and cheeseburgers, so we will start the day with Pancakes and end with cheeseburgers which means she will only eat the cheese part.

Congratulations to Gabe on completing his middle school years.  Those were some of the hardest year's of my youth as I think it is a time one starts to try to figure out their own identity and the pressure of one's peers is super hard.  I'm proud of you Gabe for working hard, for trying your best and not being too upset when your mom pushes you a lot more, demands you work harder and makes you do things you don't want.  You know I love you and only do it because I want the best for you.

And to Madelyn Happy early birthday baby. Four years ago tonight, Mom was in A LOT of pain but I'd go through it over and over and over and over because you are worth it a million times over.

We love all of you kids... each of you make us happy and bring us so much love and joy.  You are our greatest gifts and legacy.

Until next time,
Mom

I still think of you...

While it's been almost 5 years since Noah was born, there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't enter into my mind.  Some days more than others and tonight just happens to be one of them.  Maybe it's the fact that I see some of the babies that were in the NICU with him are now having their milestone 5th birthday.  When I see their pictures on Facebook I can't help but wonder... what would life be like if you were still here. 

I wonder if you would be a rambunctious, 5 year old getting into everything you possibly could.  Or if you'd be shy (kind of like your baby brother Jennings) and more quiet or reserved.  What ever the case, you've sure been on my mind a lot these days.

As my nursing classes are fully underway now we have multiple assignments that are forcing us to look at our goals and hopes for what kind of nurse we want to be when we are finished.  Tonight we looked back at those nurses who came before us and one of the nurses I studied was Mary Breckenridge who pioneered rural nursing in Kentucky to help improve the lives of neonates and mothers.  Her efforts to bring midwifery to the U.S. and to travel on horseback to homes who previously went without healthcare were single-handedly key to decreasing the infant mortality rates in that state.  I picked Mary to study because as you can imagine her story struck a cord with me.   

While I can barely even say I have stepped foot into a nursing program, and that my plans may change, at this moment, my dream is to someday help impact or shape the future of mothers and babies who have similar paths as to ours.  My goal is to try to help prevent another mother from having to say goodbye too soon to their baby.  

The truth is that in the U.S. there are extremely different rates of survival of premature babies and it often depends on where you live, what access to healthcare you have and honestly what practices are in place in the facility where you are.  This piece of equipment below was Noah's life source... his lungs... and many hospitals do not have anything like it.  

Sometimes I wonder if Noah was born at a different place if he would have made it.  Having grown up in Iowa and now conducted research to know just how incredible the University of Iowa Stead Family Hospitals and Clinics are, their survival rates for a 24 weekers are incredibly high.  Infact they don't necessarily refer to the percentages of IF the baby will make it but what the baby's life will be like after they leave the NICU.  

Arizona does not have the same rates of success.  Our experience was NOT the same.  Our experience was that we were told instead, the dismal rates of IF he would make it.  I'm not sure if being in a different place, would have changed the outcome and honestly it doesn't really do me any good to think about it, because we can't change it.  

What it does do for me is guides me to think how I can be different in how I would approach the parents of premature babies who look me in the eyes as their baby's nurse and ask... "Will my baby live?"  My hope is that when that day comes, they see a nurse who is filled with hope, with determination to do everything in my power to provide the best care for their baby.  To pour my heart and love, and prayer into their baby as I know some of the nurses Noah had, did for him.  

Because I'm learning that saving lives is about the medicine and the tools and the access, but it is also about the care, the hope, the compassion that we possess and I want those to always be qualities I share with my patients.

I miss my baby Noah oh so very much and my heart still aches with deep pain in knowing I can't hold him, or I won't get to celebrate his 5th birthday with candles and trucks, or Lego's or what ever 5 years old boys like.... but I do know that if he hadn't lived, and if we hadn't lost him, I'm not sure I would have ever gone back to fulfill my dream of becoming a nurse.

His life sparked action in mine and while I wish he was here, I hope he knows that I am pursuing this nursing degree and want to dedicate my time in this field to saving lives... mother's lives and babies lives.  While we may not have been able to save his, I pray that his life helps me to save others.

I miss you little buddy.  Mom loves you and please know I dedicate this hard journey to you and your life.

Until next time,

Mom

She's going to be 4

Tonight as I go to bed again way too late, especially when I think I'll be up at least three more times before the 7 am crawl out of bed (thanks to COVID it is an hour later than normal- thank you no commute)... but I can't help but think that my baby girl is going to be turning 4 in just a few days.

She is growing up and each day she surprises me with how smart she is, how much she understands and how big she is.  I want to cry too that she is getting so big.  I will miss the sweet innocence that youth brings (I know she will still have this for year's to come but I just want time to slow down).

It seems to me that this was just yesterday...

She was just 5 days old. Look at those skinny legs!

And here she is today.... Looking so grown up!

When dad saw today she had pushed her sleeves off the shoulder, he commented right away... "Maddie better push up your sleeves?" I asked him why he said it and if he wasn't ready for his baby girl to be having off the sleeves outfits.  His response, "Exactly!"

Funny enough this used to be one of my favorite songs to dance to as a young girl.  

Madelyn is into drawing lots of pictures lately.  Here she is drawing a picture of our family (No not a model of people in violation of social distancing and having a large group gathering).  What I find so interesting about this picture is how she wrote her name...

She knows very well how to write her name and yet she was able to write in perfection the exact mirror image of how her name would be if shown in a mirror.

Yep I can hardly believe my baby will be 4.  Boy do we love her and her spunky personality so much!

Until next time... I must get my butt in bed!

Angie

10 Months and more stay at home!

I can hardly believe but our baby turned 10 months yesterday and it seems like he's growing and changing each and every day.  My mom guilt feels terrible I haven't dedicated a blog post to him since his 3 month milestone... lots to catch up on.  But I thought I'd just share a few brief highlights about what he's into these days....

He's into EVERYTHING!  Honestly, from the moment he wakes up he doesn't stop moving. He crawls faster than any baby I've ever seen and he loves to walk.. While still holding on our our fingers he makes lap after lap around the house.  He's even take a few steps without help but we are still hoping his solo walking is a few more weeks away.  I literally can't believe our baby will be almost a year in 2 months (cue the elephant tears from mom).

He enjoys eating the same food we do for the most part and think's baby food well isn't that great.  He likes avocado, meat, beans, vegetables (peas, LOVES green beans), carrots and even he will eat olives.  For how much I craved them while pregnant with him I sure wonder if they will become one of his favorite foods.

Look at that squat... I wish my thighs were that strong!

In case you can't tell from the pictures... he's pretty much the splitting image of his daddy and has a mellow personality that matches too.  He doesn't talk all that much, I think it's because there's already too much noise around our house and he's just trying to process all that he hears.  However, he has figured out the whine and the screaming when he really needs something.  His personality is starting to come out and he is really shy when he sees someone new or he wants to stay with mom or dad he buries his head in our shoulder.

He's been loving the pool, we go in about everyday and he doesn't mind the splashing.  He also LOVES his bath, which we have in our evening routine before bed.  He's pretty much got a full set of teeth, well in my opinion he does.... 8 to be exact and almost 9.  He LOVES to bite and it has become one of his habits we are trying to break.  In the picture below you can see all the bruises on my arm.  They are all from him and his shark like razor teeth. 

Some of his favorite toys are the TV remote... He has tons of toys and instead chews on the remote.  He's also starting to mimic what we do as you can see from this video, he knows to point the remote at the TV and then he puts it up to his ear... I think he's also getting a phone confused with the remote being they are about the same size.

 

We are still working on the sleep training.  He wakes up every 2-3 hours but we've started putting on rain noise at night which has helped him sleep a bit better.  It also does wonders for Jarrett and my sleeping because we pretty much are zonked out!  And yes Jennings is still in our bedroom, probably will be for the next few years if we keep his routine anything like Madelyn's.  He goes down around 9:30 and wakes up for the day between 6:45 and 7.  

Jennings overall is an extremely happy baby, he is easy going and gets LOTS of attention.  We love him so very much and are so thankful he is in our lives.

In other news... we are still staying home.  Yesterday morning when I was working I found Michael had decided to teach the girls how to play BINGO and even though I told him Madelyn probably wouldn't be able to play because she doesn't know the higher numbers, Michael decided it was a perfect opportunity to teach her, to which I was very thankful.  They played very well together. 

The girls have been playing dress up lately and trying on some new clothes shared with them from some friends.  We are so thankful for the hand-me-down clothes shared.  With how quickly the kids grow I feel like they only wear clothes a few times before they've outgrown it.  

The girls in their new clothes excited!

Today dad took a brief break from work, he's oh so stressed and I worry about him, and he sat with the girls to watch one of his favorite movies "Winnie the Pooh"  It brings back memories for him about when Isabelle was a baby and how she loved it and now he can watch the movie with both of his girls.  I'm so glad when he takes moments like this because it means just as much to the girls as it does him.  

Then we all went swimming as a family of 7 and we played water volleyball.  I told the boys I used to play, which that to them meant I am so old I must be terrible.  Turns out Mom still remembers how to play and I think they were surprised.  Then Gabe hit the ball over the fence and that fun was done.  

One of the 50 pictures I found on my phone tonight after Madelyn took it to take pictures.  

We came back in and as a family we played board games.  Madelyn and I played memory which she kicked my butt at, followed by the kids and I playing Hi Ho Cheerio and then all of us played Old Maid. 

It was such a simple night and yet we had a lot of fun. 

As so many people started venturing out in our state, we are still staying home.  I"m enjoying these last few days as we jam in family time.  It feels natural now and I'm perfectly comfortable just staying home.

Until next time,

Angie

How to stay safe while returning to normal activities?

Tomorrow is the day our governor has decided to lift our state's stay at home order and from what it seems when I've ventured out, many people believe the risk of the COVID-19 virus is over.  We have been very protective of trying to keep everyone safe and we've pretty much done everything and more to mitigate the risks.  Therefore I'm struggling with how to find a balance in returning to the way our life was somewhat before.

The data I see on the news and the trends in the number of cases reported and the deaths to not seem to be matching what our governor reports and so I am leary.  I've spent enough time in the hospital with my children and previously when Jarrett faced his greatest life battle, and for these reasons I want to still stay at home and shelter in place. 

I know however I can't do that forever, I can see if on my boy's faces and sometimes even the girls.  Madelyn at lunch today asked me if when this is over we can take her to Disneyland?  And Isabelle has asked about 100 times if she can go to the store.  And the boys... they so terribly miss their friends, their activities the socializing that is so much of a teenager's life.  Today Gabe said, "I'm really tired of just being with you guys."  I totally get it, I'm sure we are all sick of each other in some ways.

But I worry and I feel like I just want to keep them safe.  I got an email today that the high school sports training for Gabe starts this next week so I better get comfortable with the fact our life has to start to resume some outside activity, I just need to find reassurance we can still do things to keep our family safe.

I took Jennings to the doctor today for his 9 month check up even though he's turning 10 months tomorrow (NO!!!!) and the pediatrician was telling me that about 7% of their total appointments  are for children who have COVID.  She said this is NOT something to take lightly and she is recommending for all her patients and their families that they still stay home and shelter in place for as long as possible.  She then shared with me that they are very concerned  about what happens this fall when the flu and COVID happen at the same time.  Her words were reassuring to me that it is okay to worry and that  it is okay  to be overly cautious in these uncertain times.

So tonight I'll go to bed with that on my mind.  I sure hope I can sleep because we are getting worn down.  Last night was another short night and today Jarrett and I have been fighting headaches we hope are nothing serious but again want to make sure we stay healthy too.

I'll close again with a few pictures.  The kids have taken over my phone in their "Today is just as boring as yesterday phase" and so I let them take crazy pictures with filters....

Baby filter... it doesn't seem that long ago when he looked like this... 

Oh and this was quarantine haircuts round 2, yes that's how long we've been at home 

And baby Michael... Look at those cute cheeks.

and baby with a baby filter.

and Madelyn with no filter... but with an Oreo milkshake mustache.  

And tomorrow I'll capture Isabelle.  Today she somehow avoided the photos.  

Until next time,

Angie

Nursing orientation and reflections...

After another night of not-so-much sleep, I woke up to fighting this morning, which woke up Jennings and well that was the way my morning started.  Quarantine day:  I've lost count.

But I was actually excited for today because it was my orientation for my nursing program and while it was only on zoom, I was so excited to learn more.  I've been working for this day for what feels like forever.  While it made me nervous and wonder if I can balance everything (they stressed, this is a vigorous program and we don't recommend you work- so you're saying my plan to still work and raise 5 kids ages 14-almost 1 isn't the smartest idea?), I am oh so very excited.

At one point during the orientation they talked about Florence Nightingale and how she embodied the qualities we should strive to possess.  They talked about how today was the lighting of our lamp for our nursing careers and they asked us to take the pledge that is so coveted in the nursing profession.  Here it is: 

As I read it, I pictured myself at a patient's bedside and then I recounted all the times I was the patient and how many incredible nurses took care of me or my children.  What an honor I view it to be to hopefully stand among the same ranks as them.  Tonight I watched this video from our college that reinforces the incredible job of nursing and I am truly excited.  It is going to be a very hard, challenging and life altering experience, I am nervous, but I can't wait to someday do what I've wanted to "be" since I was 18.  

Classes start in less than 5 days, I better get ready!

As the day went on, it was a day filled with work.  Jarrett tried to take a few hours off today so I got to work on cleaning out my work email! The kid were fighting more than normal today and my honey do list didn't get as far as I hoped.  This afternoon I took the kids swimming, they needed to burn off energy and while it is normally a time where they scream, yell, and wrestle, today I told them we were having a quiet (meditation) like swim (mainly because dad was on a work call and couldn't have it be loud).  Anyway I told them to swim and stay as quiet as they could and much to my shock they actually did it for 23 minutes.  Hey, I wasn't sure if they could even do it for 1 so I was happy.

As the day went on,I found myself thinking about my hopeful future as a nurse.  I've spent many hours brainstorming what type of nursing I was to do, what department and of course from my experiences I'm definitely leaning toward the NICU, Labor and Delivery and antepartum.  It just so happened today a person I follow on social media went into labor and because of COVID-19 decided to have her baby at home.  All day she was in the back of my mind and after several hours of no update I began to be concerned for her.  Thank goodness everything went well and she ended up having a almost 9 1/2 pound baby at home without pain meds (incredible).  Watching her the last few months and seeing the joy in welcoming a new baby has been fun, it makes me already want another one.  Maybe that's another reason why God didn't allow us to get pregnant right away... I'm afraid we'd have 10 kids.  I just love babies.  Anyway... I look at Jennings and cherish even more every single day we have with him as our baby.  Tonight as I was sitting down to work again, I happened to see an interview with a couple who had also made the decision to give birth at home just a few weeks ago because their hospital wasn't letting partners into the delivery room for fear of the virus.  As a result they decided to do a home birth.  Unfortunately as the baby was being born the baby got stuck and ended up sustaining severe brain damage because of oxygen deprivation.  Their son ended up passing away and they were sharing how they donated their baby's organs.  In listening to their story my heart broke.  I feel like my heart is so deeply affected by these stories as I know how hard the pain is for those going through loss.  

When I listen to these stories and dream about my future goals as a nurse, I hope that my experience will allow me to have more compassion and be able to provide better care.  I worry that I won't be able to be as strong as the nurses who stood by my side when Noah was dying and who comforted me without tears, but with more love and compassion than I could hope for.  I pray my compassion is abundant but I'm not sure I won't be that nurse that cries alongside families when they cry happy tears or sob in sadness.  Maybe they will teach us that too.

So many thoughts racing through my head tonight.  

What ever the case I am ready for this next challenge.  I will try to remind myself I don't have to tackle everything in one day but a little progress each day leads to where I want to be in the long road.  

I'll close tonight with a few pictures of the craziness that is our home.  

Madelyn spent some time drawing a lot of nice pictures.... can you tell how hard she worked? 

This guy is always on the go now.  I can't believe he will be 10 months in 2 days.

He is really loving getting to play with all his siblings.  That is another good thing about this time.  The kids have really bonded with one another and with a few to choose to play with they don't get too tired of one another. 

Isabelle playing with Jennings and Jack.  Jack's not to sure about Jennings but when he wakes up he loves the attention Isabelle gives him.

Another picture of Madelyn's super pretty drawing!

Man do I love the snuggles this guy gives me.  Here he had just gotten up from his nap.  He is SUCH a happy baby.

LOVE HIM!

And while I give Jennings a bath, these two crazies are wrestling and playing with dad's electric razor trying to shave off each other's hair.  Always something around this place!

Maybe I just need to remember that babies turn into crazy teenagers when I get baby fever.  

Until next time,

Angie

 

What day is it again... Oh it's Monday

For the most part we are handling this stay at home order well.  The hardest days are Monday-Friday.... because Dad works crazy hours... and by crazy hours I mean he works from before 8 in the morning until at least midnight every night.  A few nights last week he worked until 2 and 3 in the morning. I keep telling him his employer did not hire him with the expectation that he work that much, but the work is there and so he tries to do it best.

With Dad having to burry himself in work, that means the kids are my responsibility primarily and so my day looks a bit of crazy too.  I work all different times.  I work when Jennings is sleeping, when I can keep him entertained at my feet, when I have the big kids reading and playing quietly and when I just give in and let the TV be the babysitter.  It isn't easy and while Jarrett has had his share of meetings with Jennings in his arms because I'm on another Zoom meeting, our "work/school" days are nothing less than chaotic.

Today while I worked during Jennings long nap, Madelyn decided it was time to play Lion on my shoulder, so I worked while he played literally on top of me.  Thankfully she knows when I don't respond it's because I'm trying to get stuff done.  She just talks to herself and when she really needs me to pay attention she says, "Mom, stop working and listen to me."  I hope the kids know I'm doing the best I can and while I try to play with them, there have been many times I have to say, "I have to work, you'll have to play by yourself."  I think there is a lesson in this too.

I love to watch him sleep.  And because we are worried parents (still), we check on him about 12 times during each nap.  He loves to sleep in his position.  Butt in the air, head straight down on his hands.  I just love him so much. 

The kids are wrapping up their school work and for the most part, they have done a pretty good job transitioning to online school.  I am NOT a great teacher, they think I'm super mean and have high expectations.  I just tell them I would not pass them with some of the work they try submitting.... so I make them redo it and while they grumble I hope it helps them someday.

It's abs day today.

The kids also have mandatory exercise time each day.  I insist as it helps their mental health, wears them out and gives everyone a bit of alone time.  We have an elliptical in the garage and we each take our turns (well the boys and me), plus we have daily swimming.  While I exercise, the girls play or ride their bikes/scooters around the van about 100 times.  Today they made a game with chalk on the floor of the garage.

In other news Jennings is getting oh so close to walking. Just the other day he took three steps by himself and I think he was as surprised as we were.  He is still 9 months and I'm so not ready for my baby to start walking.

He's such a happy baby.  I seriously want to keep him little for a bit longer.  I need to soak up as much baby time as I can get.

He loves to play with the remotes.  He has 100 toys and he only wants to play with the TV remotes which means we can often never find them, and when we do they are in a completely different room in the house.  

And here's a few photos of Madelyn today.  She has found my googles from my last science class and decided they are perfect goggles for, well, wearing all day long.  Jennings isn't sure what to think...

Yes they are prefect for dancing in... 

And then poor Belle, she was coloring today and some how managed to get this on her face...

I kept showing it to her in the phone and each time she went to the sink to wash her face, she kept washing the other cheek.  It made me smile.  

So that's how today went.  We made it through another day.  Tonight I'll close with this video because someday I will look back and think... was there ever a day he wasn't walking?  I know I'll miss these days.

Until next time,

Angie