While it's been almost 5 years since Noah was born, there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't enter into my mind. Some days more than others and tonight just happens to be one of them. Maybe it's the fact that I see some of the babies that were in the NICU with him are now having their milestone 5th birthday. When I see their pictures on Facebook I can't help but wonder... what would life be like if you were still here.
I wonder if you would be a rambunctious, 5 year old getting into everything you possibly could. Or if you'd be shy (kind of like your baby brother Jennings) and more quiet or reserved. What ever the case, you've sure been on my mind a lot these days.
As my nursing classes are fully underway now we have multiple assignments that are forcing us to look at our goals and hopes for what kind of nurse we want to be when we are finished. Tonight we looked back at those nurses who came before us and one of the nurses I studied was Mary Breckenridge who pioneered rural nursing in Kentucky to help improve the lives of neonates and mothers. Her efforts to bring midwifery to the U.S. and to travel on horseback to homes who previously went without healthcare were single-handedly key to decreasing the infant mortality rates in that state. I picked Mary to study because as you can imagine her story struck a cord with me.
While I can barely even say I have stepped foot into a nursing program, and that my plans may change, at this moment, my dream is to someday help impact or shape the future of mothers and babies who have similar paths as to ours. My goal is to try to help prevent another mother from having to say goodbye too soon to their baby.
The truth is that in the U.S. there are extremely different rates of survival of premature babies and it often depends on where you live, what access to healthcare you have and honestly what practices are in place in the facility where you are. This piece of equipment below was Noah's life source... his lungs... and many hospitals do not have anything like it.
Sometimes I wonder if Noah was born at a different place if he would have made it. Having grown up in Iowa and now conducted research to know just how incredible the University of Iowa Stead Family Hospitals and Clinics are, their survival rates for a 24 weekers are incredibly high. Infact they don't necessarily refer to the percentages of IF the baby will make it but what the baby's life will be like after they leave the NICU.
Arizona does not have the same rates of success. Our experience was NOT the same. Our experience was that we were told instead, the dismal rates of IF he would make it. I'm not sure if being in a different place, would have changed the outcome and honestly it doesn't really do me any good to think about it, because we can't change it.
What it does do for me is guides me to think how I can be different in how I would approach the parents of premature babies who look me in the eyes as their baby's nurse and ask... "Will my baby live?" My hope is that when that day comes, they see a nurse who is filled with hope, with determination to do everything in my power to provide the best care for their baby. To pour my heart and love, and prayer into their baby as I know some of the nurses Noah had, did for him.
Because I'm learning that saving lives is about the medicine and the tools and the access, but it is also about the care, the hope, the compassion that we possess and I want those to always be qualities I share with my patients.
I miss my baby Noah oh so very much and my heart still aches with deep pain in knowing I can't hold him, or I won't get to celebrate his 5th birthday with candles and trucks, or Lego's or what ever 5 years old boys like.... but I do know that if he hadn't lived, and if we hadn't lost him, I'm not sure I would have ever gone back to fulfill my dream of becoming a nurse.
His life sparked action in mine and while I wish he was here, I hope he knows that I am pursuing this nursing degree and want to dedicate my time in this field to saving lives... mother's lives and babies lives. While we may not have been able to save his, I pray that his life helps me to save others.
I miss you little buddy. Mom loves you and please know I dedicate this hard journey to you and your life.
Until next time,
Mom
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