Reflecting on 2020

 As we begin 2021 with great hope and anticipation that it is better than 2020, I wanted to take a moment to reflect back on last year was.

When the year began we were filled with optimism that 2020 was going to be one of the great years.  You know, it had a nice ring to it, it was a milestone year, one to accomplish a lot, to look back on and think... Yep that was a great year.

By mid-March we were hunkered down in our homes, trying to avoid catching the Coronavirus and watching as the world was changing in a moment each and every day.  We had no idea then that when we followed stay at home directions, it would be now January 2021 and we are still following the same orders.  I guess maybe there is some good in not knowing the future and just living in the moment. 

We have been very cautious in following the guidelines and doing what we can to stay safe. Some think we are living in fear, some think we are being paranoid and missing out on life.  I look at it a different way, I look at it as a way of protecting my family.  I feel like in life there isn't too much we can control, but my family's safety is something I will try to do my best to protect and if that means I should stay at home with them, then that's what we've done.  I guess we all have to live life the way we see best.  

As isolating and hard as it feels to stay at home each and everyday and limit our social circle to pretty much our immediate family, we have also had to realize that isolation and being at home comes with other challenges too.  The kids have been online for school since March and while some have thrived, others have struggled.  It is interesting to see how some of the kid's personalities either fit or clash with online schooling.  As a result we had to weigh hard decisions and made the decision to send a couple of the kids to school in person, while making sure safety measures were in place that could help keep our family safe.  It reminds me that the social interaction is so important for all of us.  Through it all, we have tried to find ways for each of the kids to have some sort of normalcy with life.  For Jennings I think he's adjusted to thinking there isn't a life outside the walls of this home and our front yard (except when he goes to Nana and Papas), he's as happy as a camper.

Life this fall went from crazy to insane.  The kids were online for school as we started in August, dad and I tried to balance watching the kids and working from home and then nursing school started.  I knew it was going to be a lot, but holy cow, I was in for a loop.  Nursing school pretty much consumed every moment of life outside of caring for the family, working and sleeping (well it consumed sleeping hours too).  I told myself my goal was to pass each block, while I've maintained a 4.0 GPA through all my pre-requisites and schooling thus far, I was not naïve to realize that taking 15 credit hours, plus working, and trying to help the kids with homeschooling was going to be super hard.  Surviving is the word I think I most frequently used in my response to "how are you?"  And that word truly became the word for all of us.  We lowered our expectations, gave ourselves grace and just tried to make it.

Thankfully we did but honestly it was rough.  I think had the pandemic is partly to blame but also just the lives we lead.  We thankfully cut down on almost all extracurriculars so there wasn't the running like normal but there was the other challenges that seemed to be replaced.  For example trying to run a Zoom meeting with your colleagues while watching a 1 year old.  Minutes into the meeting after Jennings dumped an entire bottle of water on the carpet and started screaming, I realized just how hard it is to try to balance a professional life, and mom life mixed.  Thankfully my co-workers were understanding and let me reschedule, but still felt like another mom/professional worker fail.  

As December came to a close as we finished the semester, we all desperately looked forward to this break to find a way to recharge.  Our batteries have been in the red for too long.  I think we all have enjoyed the lazy mornings, the family movies and the time just spent at home without the list of tasks to power through.  I am proud that I was able to finish my first nursing block and keep my GPA where it was, and that the kids had a nice Christmas.  Michael thrived this fall, worked his tail off at school and has really stepped up in his maturity and responsibility.  He desperately wanted to go to Iowa to visit family and so last minute we decided to let him go (he was the only kid who has been online for school since March) and we felt he had earned some restful time away).  He had a blast and while we missed him for the holidays, I hope he was able to recharge his battery, as the rest of us did.  Again, this is the time when we strive for just making it through, rather than having it be pretty. 

Looking forward to 2021, I think back to 2020 and while the hard things we encountered seem to still rise to the surface, the truth is there was still a lot of good.  Looking back at the fall here are some of the great things that happened that I didn't have time to blog about...

Madelyn went to preschool...  Mid-October we made the decision to send Madelyn for in person pre-school at the elementary school where Isabelle was going.  They have many safety measures in place and a mask policy.  I've learned the littler kids don't even question wearing a mask the correct way, it just what you do.  Madelyn was so excited to go to school, she loves it, her teachers, the friends she made and looks forward to learning.  She can't wait to go back to school on Monday.  Here are some pictures from her first day.

Halloween COVID style...

So much of life changed, even the way we celebrated the holidays in 2020.  We decided instead of going trick or treating for Halloween, we would change our holiday and again spend most of it at home (surprise).  Instead of going trick or treating in the neighborhood, we went to one of the neighbors homes and just did our normal daily walk around the block in costumes and masks and then came home.  We carved pumpkins, did a scavenger hunt and played Halloween games.  It was different than normal, but honestly not any worse.

How we set up our treat bags for the trick-or-treaters who did go out. Honestly we had a lot left over so we feel most people followed the requests to stay home.  

Watching Jennings grow...

When we first went into quarantine, Jennings was only 8 months old, and here we are now 10 months later.  I've realized that most people haven't seen him since he was a baby and he's definitely not that anymore.  He's a full-fledged toddler with more energy, curiosity and spunk that I remember any of the other kids having.  Maybe its because he's the first baby boy we've been able to raise, the big boys were 3 and 4 when they came home, so this is kind of new. Jennings is not a good sleeper, he is up multiple times in the night, we've resorted to driving the freeways in the middle of the night to try to get him back to sleep.  This Christmas his favorite thing to do was to rearrange (destroy) the decorations on the trees.  Everything on the bottom three feet of the trees were either empty or extremely messed up, we just let it go as part of fitting in with the theme of 2020.  

Jennings loves to climb on things, break things and try to keep up with doing what his big siblings are doing.  I don't mean to be mean when I say he likes to break things, its just that he seems to be really good at it.  He's broken two doors off of our cupboards, slammed open our bedroom door to the point the door stopper broke off and he punctured a hole in our dry wall and he broke the door to our furnace closet... the duct tape holding the door shut is part of the classiness we are carrying into 2021.  

As much as he is in full toddler mode, he is also a ton of fun.  He seems to learn something new each and everyday, learns new words, enjoys singing songs like "twinkle twinkle" and he's a huge Frozen 2 fan.  We watch the same 7 minutes of the movie, at least 7 times a day.  He also loves to be outside, he likes to hit the ball of the baseball tee, draw with sidewalk chalk and visit the neighbors yards with frequency.  His big brothers adore him and he adores them.  I wondered about the age gap between the big boys and Jennings and how it would play out, but honestly it has been a real gift.  Gabe talks about how much he loves Jennings and would do anything for him.  And Michael and Gabe both love to "wrestle" with him on the floor.  They both talk about how they look forward to watching him grow up.

He wanted to participate in virtual school too.

Jennings loves to throw things away, at one point during the quarantine he had thrown away at least one of each pair of shoes he had, so we had to resort and call upon his sisters shoes she had outgrown.  He didn't mind one bit.

One of his favorite words is "hot"

Loves to be outside

Someone is tired, who do you think it is? 

Proof that he does sleep, because sometimes it feels like he never does.

We also spent time at home working on chores... and fixing up things around the house.

Our small trips to Flagstaff.... like so many other family's, the vacations we had planned to take in 2020 were canceled.  We had looked forward to a family cruise in October, which obviously didn't happen along with other hopes to go to the beach in California.  Instead our vacations turned into short couple day trips up north to Flagstaff.  Turns out, while we had really not spent a lot of time in Flagstaff, it became a wonderful destination we grew to love.  Maybe it was just that we were all so desperate for time out of our house, but we found ourselves enjoying the simple things... the clean air, the grass and the peacefulness of the outdoors. We were able to visit a few state parks, have picnics in the forest, play tag on the NAU grassy lawns and see the top of the highest peak in Flagstaff.  Each time we got away, we felt like we made the most of it and had a really wonderful time.  

Tag on the NAU grass

We visited the Museum of Northern Arizona and Isabelle was thrilled because she had been learning about the Hopi tribe at school.  

Noah's Kindness Project...

Like everything else, Noah's Kindness Project was also different this year.  Instead of getting to spend the day with so many people we cherish as family and friends, we instead make up kindness packets that families could participate in the safety and comfort of their home.  We definitely missed getting to spend the day with others and hope by next fall we can be together again.  Having Noah's Kindness Project be different was still okay.  Here are some of the ways we as our family participated and remembered Noah's life.  Thank you to those who celebrated with us, we really do appreciate the love and support from so many.

We wrote thank you cards to local first line responders and send Christmas cards to soldiers.

We colored kindness stones.

We tried to take a family photo.  

And we made blankets for children in foster care.

The boys were confirmed...

In a service where only immediate family was invited, our boys received their first confirmation.  They had been working on it for two years and had to do a lot of work. They had to volunteer a set amount of hours, attend intensive workshops to learn about scripture and examine their own personal faith journey, write sermon notes and attend youth group.  They put in a lot of time and at the end of September they were confirmed.  We are proud of both boys and hope that they know that their faith will be something that continues to grow and be an important part of their life forever.  At least for me, when life seems most challenging, my faith has been something that has guided me and given me hope.  We pray the same for our boys (actually all of our children)

Yes we made it through 2020, a little stronger than we were before, a bit more resilient in our quest to look forward to tomorrow, and together.  The road was rough, but we made it.

Until next time,

Angie

Michael's school essay....

 Michael recently had to write an essay for school and unbeknownst to me he decided to write about his brother.... I am proud to share his essay... all in his words.

My Baby Brother You Can’t See

It was June25, 2015. This is a day that is meaningful to me and also serves as a day of reflection. We had to say goodbye to my baby brother whose name was Noah, because he was too small and young to be able to live on earth. I remember thinking of all the things that he would never get the chance to do. It reminded me how thankful I should be because I get to live.

First, (backtrack a little bit) the day had started off great. It was June, 13 2020 we had been frequently visiting the hospital because my mom was about to give birth, “this is Noah your baby Brother” I can remember my mom saying. I replied with a “Mom he is really really small”. Even though it was considered premature due to the fact she was giving birth early, I did not care that I was ready to have a brother who was younger than me. My brother Gabriel would always say something like “I am going to be the first one to play baseball” this showed that he was also really happy. At night (this is when I was eight) Dreaming that Noah, Gabriel (my older brother), and I would live in a mansion together and be very rich and not have to worry about having to do daily house chores. I would brainstorm and write things that I would someday do with him like be able to Drive him to school, sneak candy up to our room, and all the other mischief that brothers would do.

During this week, there were vast amounts of different moods. During the week every new news felt like it was against Noah, I could tell that my parents were very sad and did not know what the future would bring. There was an occasional “Noah is doing the best” I just wanted to cry. My mom had signed me up for summer school which I was fine with because it would help me learn and make sure that she had someone to watch us. But the hardest thing was that all day during the summer school the only thing I could think about was if I got home and found out that he was already gone. When I did get to go to the hospital I got to see a baby fighting for his life, and he was so small and fragile. Towards the end of the week I could tell that things were not going the way that my family wanted it to go. And then on June 25 2005 I had gotten home from school and my mom was home and for a second I really confused then it hit me he had gone. Both of my parents told me “God is with him”. I ran to my room and was just a mess crying. Looking back I now realize that life is really important every day. You can see people complaining because something so small happened, sometimes this annoys me because they aren't just happy that they get to breathe and live. Maybe that one extra breath could have been a life changing moment and got Noah back to good health again. So every day I try to take account of everything I am blessed with and try hard to not complain at the little things and enjoy the wonders of life.

In conclusion, life is a blessing that some people will never get the chance to experience and therefore should be really thankful for that ability. Noah was a major part of my life that let me reflect on my mindset and change the way I think. Today my parents have made something that is called Noah's Kindness Project and every year we do 12 acts of kindness representing the 12 days that he was alive. Although I would rather have him with me knowing that because of the event of his death my family and others are able to help others for the better. To finish this off the quote that is the Noah's Kindness Project Motto is “There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world”.

 

Twas the night before the fall semester (in the middle of a global pandemic)...

 and all through the house, a panicked mom searched for the darn computer mouse!

The laptops are charged, the pencils are sharp, no need to dress nice, just throw on your carp (shirt).  

It's 2020 and it's time for school... who would have thought we'd be at home still... COVID-19 has made me look like a fool!

But we're all healthy and safe, that's what matter's most.  While this school year isn't starting like we hoped, there is no need to mope.  We're in this together, better days are ahead... so pull up your bootstraps and get out of bed.

It's time for school... bright and early you'll see.  That's why we took our back to school pictures a day early, "yes I know, you do it only for me." 

Kids, I hope you have a wonderful start of your school year.

Gabe, you've already survived your first 2 weeks of high school and Michael you're the kind of middle school now.  Isabelle enjoy 3rd grade it will really be so much fun.  Madelyn your final year of pre-school, I'm already crying thinking of you being in Kindergarten next year.  And Jennings don't grow up too fast, momma wants all her babies to stay young.

This fall is going to be crazy as I'm joining you again in going back to school.  Block 1 of the nursing program is going to be no joke. I already feel mom guilt but hope you know I'm doing it for many reasons including to show you, you're never too old to accomplish a goal.  I hope you know I want to spend all the time we can together, and when this is done we can all celebrate.  

We are here to cheer you on.  Hope your first (or third) week of school is great... We love you!

Mom and Dad

Noah's Kindness Project 2020

While 2020 seems to be a year that keeps throwing us for many curves and turns, we have debated for a while if or how to have NKP this year while keeping everyone safe and making sure no one gets sick.

After much debate and consideration we have decided to have NKP...

Please visit Noah's Kindness Project website for this year's announcement and continued updates.

https://noahskindnessproject.blogspot.com/


We hope you will consider helping us spread kindness in Noah's memory.

Until next time,
Angie

A first day success...

Just wanted to post a quick update tonight. Despite getting locked out of his account on Sunday and having to email everyone possible listed on his school website (teachers, IT, secretary, principal, and more) he was able to get his account reinstated and access it bright and early this morning so he could virtually attend his first day of high school.

While I tried to get the traditional first day of school pictures, he refused and rolled his eyes at me, but I snuck a few in as he went to his room for class. 

When he came down for lunch and then again at the end of the day, it was clear he was happy and excited to be back in school.  He missed his friends a lot too. 

I also could tell he was very excited about the possibility of the new friends he can make. And I can tell that he is very excited about the girls... the hints started with, "Mom, if COVID gets better, can I have a friend over to study with? "  Then the next break it was, "Mom- would you be okay if it was a girl over to study with?"  And then at lunch, "Mom, when you and dad would study, where would you go?"  And then finally at the end of the day when I asked how it was he said, "Mom, there's so many pretty girls in my classes, I can't wait to go in person."  

Um Gabe, did you pay any attention to the information you were supposed to be learning?  Of course mom, but just in case I missed anything that's why I need to have a few study sessions with my new friends.

Can't fool me Gabriel... I can see right through it.  

So glad he's excited and encouraged about this new step in his life.  And as much as I tease him about his new friends, he has been very proactive in getting his work done and reaching out to his teachers with questions. 

Excited for him and what lies ahead!

Until next time,

Angie

Feeling nostalgic... kindergarten to high school in the blink of an eye...

Tomorrow Gabriel (or Gabe as he wants us to call him in front of his friends) starts high school.  I can't believe it.  Honestly, I think I'm in denial.  All day today, as I tried to help him begin his freshman year how none of us could have ever predicted it could start, will start by him waking up early and sitting down at his computer in our home.  Yes online.

This has been quite the year and while I wish he would get the traditional experience of starting high school in person, I am glad his health and that of our family's will be a bit more protected because we will be at home.

As crazy as it is for me to think he will start high school at home tomorrow, it isn't even that that I'm worried or sad about.  It's the fact that tomorrow starts yet another chapter in his life, our life as a family, as he begins the process of building the strength in his wings so in just a few short years he can set off to fly on his own.

Honestly it feels like yesterday we were picking him up for the first time with his cheery smile and his big eyes.  And I honestly can still remember the first day of taking him to kindergarten and fighting back tears as his teacher read, "The Kissing Hand" before we wished him well on his first day of school.  Today I sat down and found the blog book that has the story of his first day of kindergarten and I reminisced about how excited he was for that first day of school.  I think today he's still just as excited to begin this new chapter, although I don't think he's going to be waking up any extra early (unlike his first day of Kindergarten when he was in our bedroom before the 5 am hour seeing if it was time to go). 

As much as I have enjoyed seeing him grow and him start to gain his independence and skills as a young adult, I have to remind myself not to do too much for him and to teach him how to do these things he will be expected to do on his own.  How to write emails for himself, how to get himself ready for online school, to organize his materials.  I know he is capable and will be just fine, I just don't want him to struggle or fail.  Maybe this is how it is to be a parent.  We want to fix it so life isn't too hard for them.  But that is how we become adults... by solving problems, by trying and failing and by picking ourselves up to try again. 

Last Friday we were driving to the pediatrician's office and when we got to the place, we noticed a little boy probably around 5 walking out of his school with a backpack too big for him on his back.  The boys said, "Mom, look how cute that little boys is, that is going to be Jennings in a few years."  And they are right.  (Please Lord slow time down).  When I looked over at the little boy, I thought you're right boys that will be Jennings, but as I looked at them, I thought, "boys that was you just a few years ago too."

People always say the time goes so quickly and I truly feel it daily.  I sometimes feel the stress of the moments in raising 5 children, while trying to work and go to school in the middle of the pandemic, and I wish for a time when things will be easier.  I'm not sure if things ever get easier, they may get quieter as the kids grow and leave the house, but tonight as I sit here, thinking about how fast the years have gone from Gabriel's first day of kindergarten until now, I feel a twinge in my heart and a swelling in my eyes. 

I will miss these days.  As proud as I am of the young men Gabe and Michael are becoming, I think a part of me will always see them as the two little boys are were constantly getting into things, who loved to play super heroes and who were going to change the world taking down the bad guys.

Since you wouldn't let me take a first day of school picture, here's what I got!

Gabe, on the eve of your first day in high school, here's a few pieces of advice from your mom (who you think doesn't know much) but who might just have a good nugget or two of info for you to remember in high school....

• Do your best always. Don't be lazy and just do enough to get by.  Try your hardest everyday... it might not be perfect and that's okay but if it was your best, you should never have regrets.
• Be kind to everyone, and find friends who are loyal and true.  Unlike middle school when you are afraid to let anyone see any faults of fears... in high school this is the time to find those friends who will have your back and care about you no matter how silly, unpopular or not-cool you are.  Some of the greatest friends I have are my friends from high school who accepted me for me and I didn't have to impress them or do anything but be myself (your dad being one of those friends). Look for those friends, and make sure your just as good of a friend back to them.
• Try new things and don't be afraid to fail.  Try things you'd never think of trying in the past... like choir (so proud of you for taking this).  Join clubs, organizations, volunteer to help with things, do extra for your teachers.  Sometimes the things you try that you'd never thought to try in the past will be the things you love for your future.
• Know that you will fail but don't let it stop you from trying harder and going farther.  You will have hard days, school might be a challenge in certain subjects and you will have to work harder than you probably ever have in your life.  It's part of growing up... something you seem so excited to do.  But don't let your struggles stop you from achieving your dreams.  Just pick yourself up, brush off the dust (the hurt, the sadness, the feelings of defeat), adjust your strategy, and try harder.  We will cheer you on.
• Finally, know you have a family and support system that loves you and wants nothing but happiness and success for you.  Does that mean we are going to make it easy for you... hahahaha Gabe you know me by now.  I'm going to be the one making you work the hardest, expecting more and pushing you... because I know what your capable of and while you might not be able to see it now, I know your destined for greatness... and I'm excited to watch you accomplish it.

It all starts tomorrow.  Excited for you Gabe.  Do your best.  No excuses.  I love you.  I'm proud of you.  

Love you always,

Mom and Dad.

Jennings the joy...

Its so hard to believe Jennings is now over a year old. He's learning so much and it seems like every day he does something new.  Beow are a few of our favorite videos from the past few days...

He now says Momma, Dadda, Brother, Gabriel, Wawa (water), Nini (night night), bye-bye.

He also knows how to kiss, throw a ball, signal he is done with eating and wanting to eat.  

While he loves almost everything, he hates riding in the car.  I think its' because he hasn't really been in a car for 5 months.  

Overall he is such a happy little guy, he's easy going, smiley and laughs so easily.  We love him so!!!!

Until next time,

Angie