While I understand that these two pregnancies are completely different, I can help my mind from creating an association between Noah's pregnancy and this one. I guess its my lizard brain at work. And it something I've struggled with from the beginning. Every week that passed, I gave thanks that this baby was still growing and thriving inside me but also felt like I had walked that many steps closer to the cliff I felt coming at 24 weeks. All I knew, all my experience had told me was that at 23 weeks my water would break and at 24 weeks my very premature precious baby would be born. How could I not be terrified of this milestone?
Laurie, our truth finder in this grief, has worked (it really is work with me) to reframe my "story" and to help me focus on the truths that are in front of my face. Each time we'd meet, she'd ask me for the truth, and I'd recite to her that at X day and X minute, at so many weeks along, our baby was still inside me, my body was supporting the pregnancy and that it felt good. Literally that is how I've made it through the past 20 plus weeks. With reminder after reminder after reminder.
Jarrett likes to compare it to an analogy Coach Kirk Ferenz of the Iowa Hawkeyes said of their (undefeated) winning regular season... "we are just trying to stack up the weeks." Leave it to the husband to bring football into a pregnancy conversation. But the reality is, that is what we've been hoping to do. Jarrett says we are marching along day by day, just waiting for the weeks to stack up, while not focusing on how many weeks are in front of us, but just the path we are on today.
I've read several articles about women/couples who have had additional children following the loss of a previous child and there is one common thread. The joy of pregnancy is robbed from us. While that's a pretty blunt way of stating it, I can't help but agree, (mostly). My truth is that I am the most paranoid, symptom seeking, worried pregnant person in probably North America. I openly admit it. My doctors are very well aware but thankfully accept me for where and who I am. And while this pregnancy has been different than how it was with Noah, I can't yet let myself believe this pregnancy will no doubt have a happy ending. Isn't that sad?
My other truth is that I have already fallen in love with our baby girl. She is so active and provides me with many reminders throughout the day she is doing just fine. I love feeling her move inside and with all the ultrasounds I am able to identify exactly what body part she is moving as she kicks my sides, stands on my bladder or punches my stomach with her arms. Jarrett's been able to experience her movement too, from very early she's been a mover and a shaker... it might be partly due to the fact I can (and do) eat all the sweets I couldn't eat with Noah. He wasn't much for sugar.
Jarrett and I have always been very focused on the present, not allowing ourselves to get ahead of where we are currently, focusing on this moment, not what the future could bring. I guess that was a way of protecting ourselves from dreaming all the dreams we want to have, like we did with Noah, that we don't get to experience. Laurie, again, challenged us to think differently. She said, "I want you to picture what next Halloween is going to look like?" I didn't respond, I thought I'll let Jarrett take this one. But she wasn't about to let me get off that easy. She said, "Angie, what do you see when you think about next Halloween?" "Well," I hesitantly started, "I hope to see all of us out with the kids, this new baby included, walking around the neighborhood." She interrupted me, "Talk to me about specific details, and with confidence that this WILL be your future." As I spoke with what confidence I could muster up, the tears flowed stronger than my belief that it will be, but I went onto share with as many details as I could, with the joy I hope Halloween will bring in our family. After we each explained what our Halloween vision is, Laurie paused and asked, "How did that feel?"
Honestly, it was scary to think about, but at the same time felt nice. I've always been one to find something in the future to look forward to, so living these last 8 months with only looking at the moment in front of me has been different. Laurie went onto say, that in this journey of living life without our Noah in our arms, finding moments of peace and joy in our life is how she recommends living in our new reality. If that means there are days we can only look at the moment in front of us, than that's okay, but if that also means some days we can look at the future with hope of what it can bring, and it doesn't cause pain, well than that is okay too. As a mother herself that has lost so much, I completely trust Laurie's expertise and advice of how to regain the love of life again.
So here we are at 24 weeks, and my truth is, my baby girl is moving around inside with plenty of fluid to drink, my contractions stay at bay as long as I keep my activity level to the minimum, and the doctors are regularly checking me to make sure everything is okay. That is my truth today. So my "story" that all my babies are born at 24 weeks and 0 days has been proven to be false. Today baby girl is healthy, and safe right inside... exactly where I want her to stay for the next 15 or so weeks.
And speaking of my doctors, I have to say I've been very lucky to have two amazing doctors this time who are completely supportive, understanding and proactive in helping us achieve our goal. My current doctor, Dr. A. said from the beginning he would be willing and open to co-managing our pregnancy with a perinatologist. The perinatolgist we've been referred to Dr. E is one of the leading perinatologists in the United States and is very well respected. Friends we met from the hospital in the antepartum unit as well as the NICU speak very highly of Dr. E and so we feel fortunate to be with him as well as Dr. A. They have been extremely proactive with taking measures to make sure I do not go into premature labor. I've been having bi-weekly ultrasounds pretty much the entire pregnancy and starting at 17 weeks, I've had weekly ultrasounds. I'm currently on medication to control my contractions as well as having weekly progesterone injections from a nurse who comes to our house. The shots aren't too fun leaving an orange size welt and bruise at the injection site, but I'd take those shots many times a day if it means it will keep her inside. And accommodating with my high-need reassurance, Dr. A has told me to call him directly if I have any questions or concerns at anytime. I am extremely thankful for the care they have provided us.
So 24 weeks and counting we are. Just marching along giving thanks for each day we get, and praying for many more weeks/months with her inside.
And speaking of falling in love... here are some pictures of our precious little girl. Its so fun to see her weekly and to see how she's growing and changing.
She makes my heart feel love in a new way and while I will always feel the ache of losing Noah, this baby girl has given me a reason to take care of myself, to get up each morning and to keep on marching. She's given me a new purpose in life and the healing she's brought to Jarrett and I, and our family, will be something we always give thanks for.
To 24 weeks and marching... one moment at a time.
Until next time,
Angie
