Be free...

Reflections..

Reflections: when I took this picture I felt great genuine happiness, hope for the future and like God was on my side.

PS:  To the kind person who shared comments on here last week, thank you.  I am so sorry for your loss and so grateful you reached out.  I hope you have found a way to restore peace, happiness and joy in your life 

The recipient....

of kindness.

I'm (We're) going though a hard time in life and while I don't want to share the details on here, or talk about it openly, there have been many who  have reached out to offer support, and share that they care.  I couldn't be more appreciative.   Especially for those who didn't  or don't know (thank you for respecting our wishes) and still reached out.  Your genuine support and caring is helping carry me through.

I started this blog as a way to recount our lives.  I didn't start it to see how many people would read it or for any attention... I started it as a way to record our memories, to share the good times and the bad, because one day, I'm going to look back and realize the journey was in the tiny moments... the daily stories, and I'm glad I took the time to record them.

So that being said, I am open and raw and I put myself, our family's lives out there not for others but for us. I write for  us, and I honestly wouldn't stop writing this even if no one read it.  In fact in the coming days, you may see this blog become private so I can be a bit more protective of us.  I didn't start this blog to add more hurt to my life and last night I learned it did.

Enough about the negative, let me get to the real reason I started this post.  This is what I want to spend more time on.  As I said earlier, many family and friends who do read this have reached out, have shown us loving concern as we pull ourselves back to feeling alive again and they share their support without having to know the details of what happened.

Many have done so through text messages of support, through cards in the mail, through a beautiful bouquet of pretty flowers to sit on our counter that brighten up our home.

Some send me daily messages of encouragement that give me something to look forward to and a reason to actually crawl out of bed.

And some send me cards like this... with stories and moments that take my breath away... how did Noah's Kindness Stones end up at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester MN?

This letter brought me to tears... as I've struggled, we've struggled. I never thought of it this way. I knew Noah was a fighter but I never thought of us in the same way.  The gift of words, the different perspective...powerful.

How did those rocks get to Minnesota and in the Mayo newsletter?  I guess it doesn't matter the how... I'll smile in the feeling of WOW.  

These are just a few of the many ways I've been shown kindness personally in the last few weeks... I'm sorry I'm not listing them all.  All acts of kindness.... all shared with me, with us, with my family.  It is exactly the reason why we started Noah's Kindness Project, because it was the acts of kindness that pulled us through a very very hard time.  And here I sit on my bed tonight and while I feel deep sadness, and hurt and pain.. I find myself and our family being shown it again.

 I feel like my spirit has been crushed and the flame extinguished. Yes I know I smile if you've seen me, I can carry on like everything is okay and I try to put on a brave face. But honestly it is a way of living that makes me feel empty inside.  Knowing that so many reached out directly to us, offered support and genuinely care is what helps me know that deep down inside, my spirit is alive and that tiny spark of life it holds can grow back to how I felt just over a month ago.  And that will be because of those who I'm so lucky to have in my life.  For I am the blessed recipient of kindness.

 For we are the blessed recipients of kindness.

Yes the legacy of our son who lives among the stars is again being showered down upon me.  Upon our family.  Thank you from my hurting but ever so grateful heart.

Angie

2018 Noah's Kindness Project

Please save the date and join us as we help spread kindness and honor Noah's legacy.

I've had lots of time to think about this year's project, already have some things lined up and it should be a lot of fun.   

Stay tuned...  more information to come.

Until next time,
Angie and Jarrett

A reminder of the little guy who help inspire us to share kindness....

Announcing the Celebration of “Noah’s Kindness Project” : Showing Love, Kindness, and Generosity

As many of you may know, our son, Noah James Haskovec, was born to us on June 13, 2015 following a week-long stay in the hospital.  We spent the next twelve days with him in the NICU at the hospital before he passed away on June 25.  Our blogdocuments his short but meaningful life with us here on earth. 

While Noah lived a short time, we truly believe and find consolation in that fact that his life was meaningful and impacted the lives of many others in positive ways.  Throughout our stay at the hospital, our many visits to see him at the NICU every day, and after his passing, we always felt the profound and genuine love, kindness, support, prayers, and caring offered and shown by so many people, including those who had been complete strangers to us and those living in states far away from us.  Noah’s Kindness Project is both an opportunity to remember and honor our son’s memory and to capture, recreate, and promote the kindness, generosity, and love people exhibited toward us during his life.

Noah’s life brought out the best in so many.  While we were at the hospital, friends and family regularly stopped in to visit us and offer their love and support and brought or sent many gifts and care packages in an effort to make sure we had everything we needed and to show they cared.  So many contacted us by every medium imaginable – telephone, email, texts, Facebook, cards and letters, and others – to share a supportive note and to let us know they were thinking about and praying for us that it took us quite a while to get back to everyone.  A few days before Noah was born, some friends organized a meal delivery schedule to ensure that we would not have to be concerned about planning meals for our other children.  The meal deliveries went on for fully six weeks.  More friends and family than we can count offered to watch our other kids and dog for us throughout this time.  Some friends jumped in to take one of our sons to and from baseball practice and games.  People prayed for us – some for the first time in a long time.  We continued to receive a steady stream of letters, cards, flowers/plants, gifts, and other expressions of love and support from friends and family over the next many weeks.  Some gifts were for our other children and were offered to keep them happy and busy during this difficult time.  Once Noah had passed, the kindness, generosity, love, and support continued to flow, including some extremely moving gifts from strangers who read about and followed our experiences on the blog.  People followed our story – Noah’s story – throughout on the blog.  People rejoiced with us during the happy times, prayed for us during the challenging times, and suffered with us when he passed.  We felt lifted up throughout and were extremely touched.  Just when we thought people couldn’t possibly do more or be more generous to us, people did more.  It has been an amazing feeling.  
Each year, on the first Saturday in October, we will celebrate and honor Noah's life and legacy by performing acts of kindness in his honor.  Noah was originally expected to arrive on October 3 and we choose this time of year to give back, and extend a hand of kindness in his memory.  We ask you to please join us in spreading kindness...

Please take some time out of your day to do something nice for someone, to help someone in need or in distress, to volunteer or support a cause important to you, to pray and reflect, or to just make someone’s day unexpectedly better. 

Below are some ideas of the many different ways you can participate in Noah’s Kindness Project. 

• ·         Visit someone in the hospital or a shut-in person
• ·         Call or each out to someone in need or crisis
• ·         Volunteer for a cause important to you. 
• ·         Donate to a different group that helps others
• ·         Donate blood
• ·         Send a care package to someone who doesn’t expect it
• ·         Open a door for someone/help someone carry something
• ·         Generously tip a service person
• ·         Thank  healthcare worker, service person, firefighter, emergency responder for their service
• ·         Pay for someone’s meal or drink
• ·         Clean up a park, the side of the road or neighborhood shared space
• ·         Send an anonymous gift and note to someone in need or struggling
• ·         Give someone a ride to their doctor’s appointment
• ·         Share your talent in a way to make someone’s day better
• ·         Volunteer at an animal shelter

The act of kindness is really up to you.   Our goal is to have as many people as possible participate.  Your act of kindness can be as simple as holding a door or as generous as giving of your time and money to help.  All we ask is that you do it in memory of our son.  We will provide Noah’s Kindness cards that you can print out and leave with your act of kindness.  Our goal is to get as many people involved as possible and to spread kindness across the world. 

To see how far-reaching Noah’s Kindness Project can reach, we ask, once your act(s) of kindness is done, that you report back and post something about your experience.  Please use the hashtag #noahskindnessproject on Twitter, Instagram and join our Facebook group “Noah’s Kindness Project”.  Take pictures, share Noah’s Kindness cards, and encourage everyone you know to participate.  The world needs more love and concern for others.  Noah and his story brought it out in so many.  We ask you to please join us and be a part of Noah’s Kindness Project.

Finding purpose...

In the last month, I've been asking myself over and over what my purpose is.  I thought after Noah passed I was being pushed to pursue something that had been my dream for many years.  So I've been working on it, each month since he left us.  It's a goal I hope to reach in the coming years.  Additionally I thought my purpose was to try to share kindness in whatever way we can to honor Noah's legacy.

In the 2.5 years since Noah left us, I started to believe I had found my purpose (in addition to being a mom to the kids I get to raise here) and life started to be good.  I believed, I had hope, my faith restored, and my joy plentiful.  And then December 8th happened.

When a month ago today we were guided down a different path, I found (still find) myself questioning everything.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.  Has what I've been doing the past many years all been wrong?  Have I not been following God's will and that's why I'm forced to feel heartache and sadness?  What is my purpose here? 

The truth is, I don't know. I still am unsure.  I've been living day to day, no more anticipation of the future or trying to look eagerly to something ahead.... just to get through each day has been a mountain enough to climb. 

I asked Jarrett what my purpose is and he explained that it doesn't have to be as complicated as I am making it.  You don't have to be a President (don't want to be) or the CEO of a company (not interested in that either).  He said being a mom, a partner in life, finding rewards in your job... isn't that purpose enough?  I see his point, but I still find myself asking what is my reason for being here is.

People say things happen for a reason and I've racked my brain through many sleepless nights these last 30 days and I can't find a reason for why this had to happen and I'm still searching for the answers to why Noah had to die as well.  I guess some questions I will never find an acceptable answer for.

So I'm back to trying to find my purpose. To trying to start over... again. Today, at work, (it went okay-thanks for those who reached out and offered support- I so appreciate your thoughts and cares.)  Side note: I really do have some of the best colleagues one can ask for- I am so blessed there.  Today when I was at work, I happened to walk by my colleague Cindy's office as I checked my mailbox.  The note posted outside her door caught my attention.

I couldn't help it.  I had to take a picture.  I'm not sure where the note came from (it wasn't there a few weeks ago) but boy am I glad it was there today.  

I'm still not sure what my purpose is, but for today, the fact that when I placed my hand over my heart and felt it still beating, I was reminded, maybe there is a reason I'm still here. 

You're alive for a reason... don't give up.

The mantra I repeated to myself a thousand times today...  I'm trying.

Until next time,

Angie

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow begins a new start for our kids as they go back to school and daycare for the first time in several weeks.  They are excited, with new clothes and shoes from Christmas and friends to reunite with. Tomorrow will be a good day for them. 

Tomorrow also is the  day I return to my office for the first time in over a month. The last time I was in the office, I was a different person, Unpacking my work bag of items from early in December I recall how happy I was then.   I had hope in my heart, faith in the future and a belief that life was good.  Today I feel void of them.  My hope gone, my faith crushed and my belief is simply to try to get through the day ahead.  

I remember feeling this way after Noah, and prayed I'd never feel so sad again.  My prayer unanswered.  I push forward doing the best I can.  Tomorrow is a new day, the sun will come up, and life goes on.  

Until next time,

Angie

  

Christmas with the kids...

As difficult as these past few weeks have been, if there's one thing about kids, it's that no matter what sadness is felt among us, they seem to be able to find joy and happiness no matter what.

While we were all excited about Christmas in our new home, it was the kids that carried the merry of the season for Jarrett and me.  Here are some pictures of our first Christmas in our new home.

In happier weeks, this was Isabelle's first Turkey Trot before Thanksgiving.  I wish I could find joy like I felt then.

Isabelle and Madelyn danced to the warm up music before the run.

Dad ran with Isabelle.

Madelyn has found a love of fudgsicles and goes right to the freezer to point.  I think with her new teeth coming in, the cold feels good.

She also LOVES babies and caries at least one around everywhere.

Early in December I went on a school field trip with Isabelle to the farm.  It was a fun day and I'm grateful I was able to enjoy it with her.  She's such a special girl, I'm so glad I get to be her mom.

Madelyn's teeth coming in make her chew on her jacket... at least she still looks cute.

My parents happen to make a last minute trip out here (it was the first visit of the year for my mom) and the kids were so excited to see them.  It made a difficult time a bit easier since they were here to help with the kids and to take care of us for a few days.

The boys and I participated in Campbells Crew Cares, a group that takes 150 less fortunate children Christmas shopping.  For $100 we were charged with helping these ever-so-grateful kids find a new jacket, new shirts and pants and socks and underwear along with new shoes.  They were also able to pick 1 toy for their Christmas gifts.  It was such a good lesson and a reminder that we are so blessed, even amidst such a time of heartbreak.

Isabelle was excited she got to make a gingerbread house at school, which was great practice for the larger gingerbread house she made with Grandma.

Some friends shared a playhouse with us and the girls love playing in it.

My beautiful friend Melanie was able to stop over for a visit.  It was so nice to see her, too bad Madelyn slept through most of it.

Madelyn was fascinated with the trees (Gabriel in the background was not so much).  Her favorite ornaments were Mickey Mouse ones and a "lawyer" ornament Jarrett got a few years ago.

Another favorite past time of the kids this Christmas break was to fight.  All of them... most of each day.  Here's Madelyn pulling Isabelle's hair... thankfully Isabelle was tuned into the TV so she didn't fight back.

Ornament inspector... Madelyn.

Madelyn got a Baby so Real doll that talks, cries and does about 30 other things... the kids (ALL of them) LOVE it.  They all take turns caring for the baby.

Even Gabriel but don't tell anyone I shared this.

Madelyn (she seems to be most with me, hence all the pictures) took up floor coloring.

We got to spend Christmas Eve with Nana and Papa and Uncle Nolan.  Here's Isabelle with her baby in matching PJ's  Nana and Papa got her.

And here's Madelyn's matching jammies with Nana and her baby.

Christmas pictures

Trying to get a good family picture is like trying to find a snowman in Phoenix in August.

Santa came.

Madelyn's taken up watching her TV shows on her potty.  I swear none of us have showed her this practice.

Christmas morning... as you can see we  were a bit tired and the pictures are as blurry as our eyes were that early.

The kids trying to decide whose present was whose.

The kids helping Madelyn open her gift.

More help.

Jack got a new winter jacket thanks to Nana and Papa.

Later in the afternoon on Christmas Day the kids discovered that not only did Santa leave them some gifts by the fireplace Christmas tree, but he also left some in the basement by the family room tree.

Madelyn was excited about Isabelle's My Little Pony necklaces

Isabelle was ecstatic about kinetic sand 

Madelyn got a new bed (thanks Santa) and while Jarrett and I were hopeful she would sleep in it at night, its a great second bed for Isabelle to sleep in on the nights (several times a week) she tries to join us in our bed.  So I guess in a round about way, its still a win.

As sad as I've felt the last few weeks, I've tried to force myself out of the house with the kids to do some thing every once in a while.  On one day we walked to the park near our house and the kids played. They laughed, fought, yelled at each other that what the other was doing wasn't fair, or it wasn't their turn... so they were normal and life seems all okay to them.  I guess that's what matters most.  Here a few shots of our visit to the park...

Madelyn loves the slide and great big brother Michael probably took her down 35 times.  I love this picture.

Isabelle is also a fan of the slide.

We even saw two tiny rainbows that day when we ventured out.  I guess it was my sign.

Madelyn loves the park.

And so does Isabelle, while the big boy (Gabriel) is starting to think the park is lame... unless his friends are there and his mom is not.  

 With the big kids home, Madelyn's schedule is non existent.  She's been up til midnight most nights and that's because she doesn't nap until she crashes at 5 or 6 at night (nap time) which means she's not tired til after 12.  I guess in a way it's been okay, as I haven't been sleeping much anyway. 

With the kids being loud at home she sometimes has to grab a nap anyway she can.  Here she is, having fallen asleep at the kitchen table.

The Christmas season came and went and our decorations have been put away for another year.  We looked forward to Christmas in our new home with so much anticipation and while it was filled with great sadness mostly for Jarrett and I, the kids felt joy and happiness like every other year.  

I guess their happiness is what matters most.  

Until next time,

Angie