The countless cards, gifts of remembrance, meals to sustain us, gifts for the kids, plaques, statues, memorials to honor our son, so many precious, thoughtful gifts of kindness we will never forget. From family, from friends, from co-workers, all so precious, so appreciated, so meaningful.
And on top of that we've received gifts from complete strangers. Yes, people who we've never met but, who were moved by Noah's presence here, that they shared with us their kindness as well.
Last night driving home from San Diego, I prayed much of the way for God to bring us comfort, some peace, some reassurance and strength that we will get through this. I felt so refreshed from the hours I sat alone on a bench along the beach staring out into the ocean, but as each mile closer to home passed, I started to feel the pain of the grief, I pushed down into my stomach, start to resurface. Passing through Yuma, I looked out the window, and holding back tears, asked Jarrett, "How do we get past this? I just want to feel peace, reassurance that we will find a way through this. and I don't just mean barely getting by." Jarrett responded, "We will get through this, God will help us find a way to enjoy life again, to feel comfort in this life. He will, I know."
The miles passed and Jarrett and I used it as a time to talk about our goals, to try and think about what we want our lives to look like in 3 to 5 years, even though I think we both question the purpose. We realize fully through this, we really have no control... God is in control. I wonder what the purpose is for trying to create goals, like I said before, God just tell me what you want me to do. I'll listen, you have my attention... just tell me. But we have to have something to work for, so we talked about what our lives might look like. Funny, how our goals are so different than they were just 7 months ago when the year turned over to 2015. We thought we needed a bigger house, we wanted to find a way to spread out, to have more space. Now our goals are all about experiences... where do we want to take the kids on family vacations before they grow up and leave us. Its about the memories we can create, not about the number of bathrooms in our home. A different perspective.
Pulling into the driveway, I took a deep breath, the same deep breaths I remember taking in the final minutes of Noah's life. The deep breaths to try and find more air... its like my lungs stopped working too. And that's how I felt walking back into my house. My life was inside, and for some reason, I was dragging my feet to walk back in. It wasn't because of the kids, it was because I knew on the other side of that door was the reality that Noah wasn't there. That he will never be there. It, is, just, terrible.
I gasped another breath of air and walked inside. Isabelle came running and Michael said, "Hi Mom." I was home and for about 45 minutes life was busily filled with stories of what the kids did with Nana and Papa, all the fun they had and the fun chores they helped with. Michael was thrilled he got to help touch up the paint on our doors. He said he'd be willing to do chores everyday if it meant he could paint. Jumping right back into our normal routine, it was like how our life was on June 5th... normal. A sense of normal I now dread. As we said goodbye to Nana and Papa, it felt weird. I'm not sure we know how to live a week, several weeks, even a month without having them here. We've come to depend upon them like we depend on the trees to provide oxygen.
Jarrett took Jack for a walk and I returned to our bedroom to unpack our suitcases. The sadness back, the grief, the negotiating with God of what I was supposed to have done to have been able to keep my son. Why God? Why? Where is our comfort? Where is our peace?
And then Jarrett walked through the door. In his hand he carried a few pieces of mail and a red heart covered package. He handed it to me and said, "Do you know someone by this name from Missouri?" I shook my head thinking the only people I know there are my cousins. I carefully opened up the packaged, pulled out two envelopes and a small box. I started reading...
My name is Tabitha...The only reason I feel like I know you is that I'm friends with your cousins... I looked Sarah up one day and she had on her page to please pray for you and a link to your blog...I clicked and read your story. I prayed for you and your family and I especially prayed for Baby Noah.
She continued on...
I would check in on your blog every evening after realizing what a diligent blog poser you are and to see how I could best pray for you all. When I clicked and saw the blog post, "Services for Noah James Haskovec," I couldn't read any further and wept uncontrollably. It took me a while to gather my composure and the ability to read on, even though I did not want to. I was hoping when I clicked on that evening it would have read, "A Good Day", what I read instead was not what I was expecting.
I read on and was so amazed at your bravery, faith and trust in God. Even though I have no idea how you maintained your unwavering faith, I feel it was God carrying you. I am sure you are familiar with the Footprints in the Sand poem. And just like the poem explains, when there is only one set of footprints, you are not alone, instead God is carrying you. You have no footprints next to His right now, because he will be carrying you for quite sometime, let him.
As I was reading the post about the details of the NILMDTS photographer and the favorite aspects of Noah she was able to capture, I kept getting my focus and attention drawn to your heart, your broken heart that had once beat right next to his. I could feel the pain your heart is feeling without his heart beating with yours and I felt moved by the Holy Spirit to bring you the smallest bit of what I hope will feel like comfort.
Just know this wasn't me being called to get you this gift, I was just reading your blog and praying for you when I genuinely felt called to bring comfort close to your heart. Please open the box now Angie...
I opened the box and the moment my eyes looked down at the locket inscribed with the initials n H j, I too wept uncontrollably.
Angie, I hope this small gift is accepted knowing it didn't really come from me. I was just an instrument of diving intervention. I never in a million years would have thought of sending you this gift. Every detail was given to me as an inspiration from God. I hope that wearing this close to your heart, brings a sense of peace and comfort in knowing that your heart will always beat for two now and that he will always be a part of every beat moving forward. "Always in my heart" was what I felt called to have written on the back, I could feel it. And I want to clarify, that it is not just your heart Noah will reside in, but you and your husband will reside in Noah's heart as well.
You and your family will continue to be in my prayers, especially prayers of strength and comfort.
In Christ,
Tabitha.
I set the letter on the table, picked up the locket, wiped tears flowing down my cheeks onto my shirt below. Jarrett walked to the end table to grab the box of tissues and said, "I'd say that's God answering our prayers huh?" We both wept, but not the tears I expected to cry. These were tears of pure heartfelt gratitude. A complete stranger. A woman I have never met, and all because of Noah our lives were intertwined. She had listened to what she felt she was called to do, to say, to give, and the impact she had, truly awe-inspiring.
It was the comfort I was pleading God to give me. It was the strength to keep going and the reassurance in knowing, he is okay. I need to be okay too. In her act of kindness she had not only given us the most beautiful locket, but her words, her actions... a reminder of just how God is truly at work in this plan. While I don't understand, I just need to keep trust and faith. She had restored that for me, when I again felt so weak.
I've often thought about Noah's purpose and while I can think of many gifts he gave us in his short but mighty life, it gives me so much comfort and peace to know that others, our family, our friends, co-workers and yes, even strangers, found his life to be meaningful to them as well. I agree with what Tabitha said, Noah did show us how to have unwavering faith, how to not take time for granted and how to show love and kindness as often as we can.
I will never forget Tabitha and the feelings she helped restore for me. I sent her a message last night to say how much I appreciate what she did and she responded saying, " Angie, 100% this wasn't me, all thanks go to God. At first when I was being guided, I thought, this is crazy, she doesn't even know me nor do I know her very well and no joke I heard God tell me, "But I do" God guided me from that moment on. You are welcome Angie, I'm glad the locket made its way home."
Acts of kindness, I feel undeserving. We are thankful beyond words. Love, support, strength, reassurance... from so many of you. We appreciate every single card, thought, text, gift, meal, it all.
As I wear this locket close to my heart, I am reminded to trust, to have faith and to count my blessings. Noah was a blessing, and so are each of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
PS: In the envelope from Tabitha I found another note... it was marked, "read last" In her final note she mentioned that her family just happened to have gone on vacation to San Diego a week ago. She said they had visited the Del and saw the same rainbow banner wrapped around the Del's tower. Tabitha said the rest of the time they were at the beach she would glance up and think to herself, "I wish Angie could see this." She continued, "To see that you made it, made my heart leap for joy and I know God is working in amazing ways all around us. We are a 36 hour drive from San Diego, you a 5 hour drive and we both saw the same banner that made us think of Noah. How divine!"
I smiled reading her note.. I knew exactly what she was talking about. See the day we arrived in San Diego seeing that rainbow banner at the top of the tower was one of the first images we saw. I know its meaning is different to almost every single person in this country, but to me, it reminds me of my son. The lady in the front lobby told me it was put up on June 26th (the day after Noah passed) and coincidentally the banner was removed the evening of July 19th, the evening we had arrived in San Diego. I felt like it was Noah reminding us he was with us, and as it was taken down by the next morning, I took it as a message from him that it was okay to think about things other than just him.
Life has to go on.... It's okay Mom. I'm in Heaven. That's the message I heard from my son.
Until next time,
Angie
Tomorrow I'll share a second story of the gift from another stranger...the letter that gives me an insight into what our Noah's life is like up in Heaven. It's pretty amazing... stay tuned.
Jarrett glanced down and the tears he had been trying so hard to hold back, left his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. I opened the locket and saw this...
Inscribed on the top cover it reads "Noah James 6-13-2015
Weeping tears of comfort, of sincere awe, thanking a woman I had never met, who felt called to send us such a wonderful gift. In that moment I felt like God was wrapping his arms around me, as if to say, I am here. I am with you even though you feel alone.
I looked at Jarrett, looked back at her letter and continued reading...
As I was praying for you I felt called to bring something of Noah as close to your heart as possible and to have it stay there to bring you peace. I felt moved to search out a locket. Literally, Angie, this is exactly what happened. Feeling such a strong feeling to pursue this, I Google searched, "lockets" and came to a website where you could customize a blank locket. None of what was created was of my choosing. It was all inspired by the Holy Spirit. I felt immediately led to put Noah's initials on the front, the inside I was told to put his name and only his birth date. I, myself started to intervene and started typing the date he passed, but I could feel the Holy Spirit telling me "no". I felt I was being told his birthday was what belonged there. From the NILMDTS photos I felt immediately drawn to the one of Noah's beautiful face with your wedding ring and your hands stacked together on him. A sign of his life created through your life and his life treasured together through your love. I also think that Noah's hand is so symbolic of how his tiny hand touched so many lives, including mine, a complete stranger to your family. 
I read on, as Jarrett and I held our breaths and wondered what else she was going to say. For she had already provided us with comfort, peace and reassurance I hadn't felt in the 28 days it had been since Noah left us.
Noah has taught me in his brief, but so important life to be more patient with our children. We have a six year old son, a four year old daughter, and an 18 month old son. Noah has caused me to rock my baby longer at night time. He caused me to stop doing dishes today and play Marbleworks with my other children instead. Noah has taught me not to take time with them for granted as I often have. Noah has taught me to have unwavering faith in the One who created him for such a purpose. Our small group at church is doing a 365 day chronological study of the Bible and I'm not going to lie, sometimes reading Numbers is not the most exciting biblical passage to read, but I find myself reading more intently now, looking for words of comfort to help understand Noah's purpose. I am realizing Noah's purpose for me is to draw closer to God through Word, my family and realizing that every hair on his downy soft head was created with the love and skill of the greatest Master craftsman. The Master who took the time to plan out how Noah's short life could ripple across the country in such a short time and profoundly affect my life. The life of someone I would have otherwise never known. How divine!
Angie, I hope this small gift is accepted knowing it didn't really come from me. I was just an instrument of diving intervention. I never in a million years would have thought of sending you this gift. Every detail was given to me as an inspiration from God. I hope that wearing this close to your heart, brings a sense of peace and comfort in knowing that your heart will always beat for two now and that he will always be a part of every beat moving forward. "Always in my heart" was what I felt called to have written on the back, I could feel it. And I want to clarify, that it is not just your heart Noah will reside in, but you and your husband will reside in Noah's heart as well.
You and your family will continue to be in my prayers, especially prayers of strength and comfort.
In Christ,
Tabitha.
I set the letter on the table, picked up the locket, wiped tears flowing down my cheeks onto my shirt below. Jarrett walked to the end table to grab the box of tissues and said, "I'd say that's God answering our prayers huh?" We both wept, but not the tears I expected to cry. These were tears of pure heartfelt gratitude. A complete stranger. A woman I have never met, and all because of Noah our lives were intertwined. She had listened to what she felt she was called to do, to say, to give, and the impact she had, truly awe-inspiring.
It was the comfort I was pleading God to give me. It was the strength to keep going and the reassurance in knowing, he is okay. I need to be okay too. In her act of kindness she had not only given us the most beautiful locket, but her words, her actions... a reminder of just how God is truly at work in this plan. While I don't understand, I just need to keep trust and faith. She had restored that for me, when I again felt so weak.
I've often thought about Noah's purpose and while I can think of many gifts he gave us in his short but mighty life, it gives me so much comfort and peace to know that others, our family, our friends, co-workers and yes, even strangers, found his life to be meaningful to them as well. I agree with what Tabitha said, Noah did show us how to have unwavering faith, how to not take time for granted and how to show love and kindness as often as we can.
I will never forget Tabitha and the feelings she helped restore for me. I sent her a message last night to say how much I appreciate what she did and she responded saying, " Angie, 100% this wasn't me, all thanks go to God. At first when I was being guided, I thought, this is crazy, she doesn't even know me nor do I know her very well and no joke I heard God tell me, "But I do" God guided me from that moment on. You are welcome Angie, I'm glad the locket made its way home."
Acts of kindness, I feel undeserving. We are thankful beyond words. Love, support, strength, reassurance... from so many of you. We appreciate every single card, thought, text, gift, meal, it all.
As I wear this locket close to my heart, I am reminded to trust, to have faith and to count my blessings. Noah was a blessing, and so are each of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
PS: In the envelope from Tabitha I found another note... it was marked, "read last" In her final note she mentioned that her family just happened to have gone on vacation to San Diego a week ago. She said they had visited the Del and saw the same rainbow banner wrapped around the Del's tower. Tabitha said the rest of the time they were at the beach she would glance up and think to herself, "I wish Angie could see this." She continued, "To see that you made it, made my heart leap for joy and I know God is working in amazing ways all around us. We are a 36 hour drive from San Diego, you a 5 hour drive and we both saw the same banner that made us think of Noah. How divine!"
I smiled reading her note.. I knew exactly what she was talking about. See the day we arrived in San Diego seeing that rainbow banner at the top of the tower was one of the first images we saw. I know its meaning is different to almost every single person in this country, but to me, it reminds me of my son. The lady in the front lobby told me it was put up on June 26th (the day after Noah passed) and coincidentally the banner was removed the evening of July 19th, the evening we had arrived in San Diego. I felt like it was Noah reminding us he was with us, and as it was taken down by the next morning, I took it as a message from him that it was okay to think about things other than just him.
Life has to go on.... It's okay Mom. I'm in Heaven. That's the message I heard from my son.
Until next time,
Angie
Tomorrow I'll share a second story of the gift from another stranger...the letter that gives me an insight into what our Noah's life is like up in Heaven. It's pretty amazing... stay tuned.
This message is an amazing example of the comfort and healing from our Lord and Savior through one of his humble servants! God is always there for us even when we feel utterly alone.
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