Life these days seems to be a continuous balancing act of juggling more balls than I'd care to count. I'm not alone in this act, I know parents all across the country can relate. From running kids to school, racing to work, plowing through as many piles on the desk as one can get done in a day, to racing home with less than a few minutes to spare, only to get to the school and be greeted by two disappointed faces, (mom, you didn't pick us up early). To racing home to a baby with tear stained eyes whose seems to be longing to be held by her mom. The juggling act continues as you throw together a meal that hopefully won't be received with all noses turned in the air, in between helping two kids get through homework they dread and fight about completing every night. And in between there, squeeze in a baby that's hungry and decided she'd like to be fed about 10 minutes ago. Conclude the evening by scarfing down dinner, packing backpacks for morning, creating a race of "who can get ready for bed the fastest". With a quick prayer, maybe a story if were lucky, and hugs and kisses; I can take 2 balls out of the air and slow down my sprint to a steady, galloping pace. I then bathe the baby, feed her a bottle, tuck her into bed, and begin the task of tackling this place that use to resemble a house.
Yep these days that seems to be the programmed treadmill work out I've selected. Don't get me wrong, I really do love my life. Seriously, doesn't it sound like that? Really I do. Have I convinced
Okay so you may not be convinced, but the truth is, I really do love it. Certain aspects of my day I LOVE... I ABSOLUTELY LOVE. The moment when Isabelle's eyes meet mine and she reaches for me with outstretched arms, and a whimper of "Mommy where have you been? I've missed you." Push aside the guilt and that moment is pure gold. It is so wonderful to feel wanted and to be the best thing in the whole world to that little person. Pure gold. A moment I've long for and prayed I'd get to experience. A moment I cherish each and every day. I've learned being that important to another human being doesn't come by that often.
And there's the moment, when Gabriel races to meet me from the after school program to proudly announce that he had a "double blue day" I actually didn't know you could get an even higher mark than a regular blue, but today he's insists you can. And so I celebrate with silly dances and hugs of exaggerated proportions, to reinforce the message that mom really prefers blue days over yellow.
And I love words like metamorphosis, yes that's right. Metamorphosis and amphibians, truly wonderful words; especially when said by your 5-year-old, front tooth missing kindergartner. It is music to ones ears, and laughter to one's soul to hear your little boy impress you with the knowledge he's learned in school. It is actually very impressive, seriously, I don't think I understood the meaning of those words until I was older. His confidence grows as he shares the information he gained while I was away. I am proud to see him growing and to be interested in so many new and exciting things. These are the moments to love.
See, so I was telling the truth. There are so many moments in every single day, that remind me of the many blessings I've been given. These are the moments that balance me after an extremely difficult day at work; when it seems no matter what you do, it doesn't turn out as you'd hope and the task of making even one person happy can seem like an impossible feat. It is when the piles of work seem to grow higher an higher and the desire to retreat, throw up the white flag and join those you love the most, is a calling urge, a craving you can't put out of your mind.
It's the days when you feel like you are on a treadmill with no emergency stop; that the juggling balls have turned to blades of steel and that the harder you try to do better, you instead feel like your only doing better at failing. Yep, these are the moments that I will honestly say I don't enjoy. These are the stresses, the pressures, and the realities of life that can some days get the best of me. I think others can relate, I'm sure we all feel it at times. I think it is a part of life. It is a part of growing, of pushing oneself to get better, the continuous reminder that we are always learning and together, in this workout of life. In the end I believe we all desire the same and if given the choice, would all choose the moments of pure gold with those we love, in lieu of tossing the blades of death.
It is my hope that as Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle grow older they do not only remember their youth as a race from one moment to the next. I hope they don't remember me as the mom who mainly said "Hurry up, we're late, or lets go faster." The reality is, I'm sure that those times will be part of their memory, because if I'm actually being honest, that is the reality of our life. So I have to let go of the dream that their childhood is only going to be memories of bountiful toys, endless hours of playtime and fun beyond imagine. I hope that when they are grown and parents of their own, that they realize, Jarrett and I did our best to give them the best life that we could. That we worked hard to give them what they need and sometimes what they wanted. That they know what matters in life and to never stop working hard to get what they want. That they know how important they are, that to us, they are the greatest people in the entire world. I want them to never doubt our support and belief in their dreams and that we love them more than they will ever know. That is our ultimate goal. That is why we run this race and continue this marathon.
So on the days when we feel like the the race of life has plowed us down and buried us in a pile of dust, when the balls of responsibilities have crashed upon our shoulders and shattered into pieces, I search for the gold. I try anyway, to find the speck of gold that reminds me of the best moments in my day. And then as I put my head on my pillow and ask myself, "where has the day gone?" I reminisce about the Isabelle's beautiful and full of love smiles, of the pride Michael feels in successfully accomplishing a Home Depot craft project, and the pure happiness Gabriel exudes as he wackes the ball at baseball practice. These are the moments of gold in my crazy, hectic, over-scheduled and WONDERFUL life.
Until next time,
Angie
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