Understanding God's plan...

Yesterday I learned some devastating news and I have to admit my heart is heavy just thinking of what they must be going through.

Before welcoming Isabelle into our lives, I had only known what it was like to love a child.  When Gabriel and Michael came to us, I felt immediate love and a connection that will forever bond us.  However when we became parents to Isabelle it was different, not better nor worse, just different and just as special.  Becoming a parent to a baby is a magical experience I am so extremely thankful for.  Caring for a tiny being that is utterly and completely dependant upon you for life, brings with it a bond, a connection that is something I believe sent directly from God.

And that is why, when I heard the news yesterday that another mother I know, was grieving the loss of her 5 month old only child, my heart broke and continues to ache for what horrific pain she and her husband must be going through.  A met this mother several years ago when our life paths crossed and we connected then over topics related to our profession.  Although she worked in a different office, little did I know that our paths would cross again. Soon after I changed jobs, our paths reunited when we learned we were working for the same school.  And then we were given the opportunity to attend a conference together where I had the chance to get to know her on a personal level.  I learned about her "real" life, where she grew up, her family traditions, about her husband and about her ultimate desire to become a mother.  Given that we had just adopted Gabriel and Michael I beamed with pride about just how wonderful motherhood really is and that when she became a mother, how I knew she's be a natural. This past January I saw her and she glowed with excitement as she shared she was expecting.  And this September I watched her reciprocate the pride as she showed me a picture of her beautiful baby girl.  She confirmed that motherhood was indeed as great as I said.  I remember feeling true happiness for her, as motherhood was obviously her most prized title yet.

And then came the news of her loss, their loss.  A loss I cannot imagine experiencing.  A loss of so much.  A gain of the worst pain possible and why?  I learned that her baby had gotten sick, the common cold, the flu that seems to be everywhere, or what exactly, I'm not sure.  From what I've learned, it wasn't anything more than what most babies get sick with.  Doing what mom's do, she stayed home to be with her baby, rocking her to calm and help the baby sleep.  Moments later after awaking herself, still holding the baby she realized the horrific fear that the baby had passed in her arms.  As I type this the tears roll down my face and I think, why?  Why does this happen?  Why did it happen to her?  I could have just as easily been that mother, for it was only a few weeks ago, I was doing the exact same thing for Isabelle.  When Isabelle was so sick and we learned she had to be hospitalized I felt guilty, how did I fail at doing my basic job as a mother... to care for, to keep safe, to keep our child thriving. 

And then I think of what she must be going through.  How does one move on?  How do you ever smile, ever find joy, or go on?  The answers to those questions, I honestly don't know.   All I know is that I am so deeply saddened for them.  I ask God to give her, her husband and their family the strength to go on.  And that not far behind that strength, I hope there is peace.  Peace that God's plan, one we may never understand nor want to accept is why these things happen.  And I pray that they find happiness, the gifts that life brings and the will to enjoy what blessings are still here for them and what await them in the future. 

Tonight as I kiss my little ones and tuck them into bed, I am so thankful that I actually get to do it.  For I feel for them who have to look to Heaven to kiss their baby angel Rylee through the starry night sky.

Until next time,
angie