Disclaimer: While I usually try to share heartwarming stories of fun times in our home, funny things the kids do or exciting adventures we take; today's story is more of me just complaining. There I said, it. Consider this your warning and if you're not interested in hearing another person's complaints, feel free to skip over this post. I don't blame you one bit!
While I know my "issue" is really minor compared to the many other challenges families are currently facing, today I just need to vent. I'm too exhausted to try to write about anything else...
I love sleep. I always have.
Man I've always cherished sleep. I remember in
college, when I felt I could never get enough rest, I’d dream about crawling
into my bed and relaxing into the deepest, refreshing slumber. And
I’d take naps. I’d be at the library studying and when I’d get so
tired, my eyes would not stay open, as I read chapter after chapter in some
boring text book, I’d place my book down in front of me, put my backpack in my
lap, cross my arms and lay down instantly falling sleep. For
eleven minutes. Yes, 11 minutes. Why 11 you
ask? I have no idea. For some reason my internal
body clock would give me 11 minutes of joyous rest and then I’d wake up as if
I’d slept for 11 hours. Seriously, no matter how hard I’d try to
sleep longer, my eyes would pop open and back to reading they’d go.
I’ve always been able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat,
once my feet became elevated and my head relaxed back, off I’d go.
Jarrett never likes watching a movie with me because most time we’d don’t
even get through the opening credits without me drifting off. And
when the boys came to be with us, I slept like a baby. When I’d
finally get to bed, I think from pure exhaustion, I’d be out like a light only
to have to pull myself from the bed the following morning as the alarm bellowed
from beside me.
And while I cherish each and every minute of sleep, the reality is I can no longer sleep. Oh what I’d give to sleep a full night. How I’d love to make it past 2:30 a.m. without staring at the ceiling fan or the seeping light from between the wooden blinds in our room. I've used all my “honey, wake up, I can’t sleep” cards for the next five years, so I’ve taken up a new habit of lying there awake thinking while everyone else rests peacefully. Yes even the dog Jack is peacefully sleeping while I count sheep, focus on relaxed breathing before finally giving up and either getting up to do go one of the chores on my list or turning on the TV to watch yesterday’s 4th hour of Today with Kathy Lee and Hoda or World News Today (the 3:00 a.m. news). It’s terrible. It’s a vicious cycle I’m not sure how to break it.
This has been going on since Isabelle decided to start sleeping through the night. I guess my body decided I might as
well still wake up even though I don’t need to. Seriously, I’m not
sure if in 12 months plus of not sleeping a full 6 or 7 or God
Bless 8 hours straight, I forgot how to sleep through the night, but something
has to change and soon. Even just a few weeks ago, it wasn’t so
bad. I’d had gotten use to every other night of not sleeping
through the night and staring at the wall running down the laundry list of
things I had to get done the following day. I could stand that because I knew
for every one night of me not sleeping, the following night would be restful
with me sleeping through, I think again from pure exhaustion. But
now we’ve reached a stage of full on sleep emergency. My
sleeplessness is an every night affair and its affects are not only leaving me
wearily but absentminded, short-tempered, caffeine craving and unable to
accomplish half of my to-do lists (thus causing another sleepless night as I
stress about not getting done what I need to). Simply put, I’m not
the person I want to be.
And while I think many times of what I need to do, most of
the time I think about, actually stress about the smallest, most ridiculously
tiny things. At night though, maybe others who experience insomnia
can relate, those issues seem to be the most serious, most pressing and urgent
manners anyone could have. Take in point my most recent issue,
yesterday the boys decided to take a pair of sunglasses to school.
Actually Gabriel took them to school and decided to wear them at recess
because he “wanted to be cool” and to “look like a high schooler” The rule is at school all those “things” need to stay
at home. The fact that he took sun glasses to school when a) he
purposely knew he wasn’t supposed to and then b) tried to hide them from me
so he wouldn’t get in trouble, really bothered me.
Seriously at 2:43 a.m. I ran through every scenario of why
he decided to do it, the fact that he’s actively doing things to
hide stuff from us (me actually) and it left me feeling uneasy with distrust.
And while every scenario lead back to the conclusion that his
actions must be my fault as a mother, my restlessness increased.
Why do I take personally their bad choices as a reflection of me
and my faults in mothering? (That’s a post for another day). Now
at face value, it really is only a pair of sunglasses that he took to school
and it isn’t a big deal. But not in my mind,
especially at 2:43 a.m.
You probably feel I’ve gone crazy. some days I
feel I am and if I can’t ever get a good night’s sleep, I’m not going to rule it
out.
I’m not sure what to do. Jarrett says I should
go to the doctor to ask for some sleeping pills. Although there is
a time and place for medicine, I tell myself I’d first like to look into other
things causing the problems. I’ve Googled lots of things. In fact I learned that insomnia is very common among mothers. I read a few articles about how the stress of supporting a family, a spouse, children can cause sleeping problems. And that doesn't even highlight the added stresses of throwing a job in there. Reading several medical articles, actually made me feel not as crazy nor alone while I look at the ceiling wall each and every night.
I’ve started exercising as often as I can and especially on the
days when I’m only up for 2 hours or less and night. On those days
when I stare at the clock from 1:23 to 4:30, getting up at 5:30 a.m. to go
running gets brushed aside as I tap the snooze button on the alarm.
And while my sleeplessness is not a really big problem,
actually very very minor compared to many challenges
other families are facing as I type this, I’d still like to change it.
I’m starting on a mission to turn this sleepless ship around and setting
a course for soothing, calming, relaxing waters of restfulness. In fact, in just typing that last sentence I
think I’ve found the answer to my problem, I need to go on a cruise.
I’m sure to get some sleep there. Maybe I'll awake-dream of cruising tonight as I stare into the darkness.
Until next time,
Angie
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