As the final weeks of 2016 swiftly pass by, I am realizing it is time to buy a new planner. And with that realization I feel my heart twinge a bit as I’m not ready to let my current planner go. See this planner has been my record book of everything that has taken place this past year. Most significantly it holds the reminders of doctor’s appointments passed by and of my weekly celebration of turning yet another week in my pregnancy with Madelyn. This year’s planner holds reminders of visits with Laurie and the weeks I spent on bedrest, praying feverishly that Madelyn would stay inside and grow just a bit bigger. Teacher conference reminders, notes about what to get the kids for their birthday, holidays, and reminders of times when family and friends were coming to visit. In the final few weeks of 2016, I flip back through the 52 weeks that has been this year and I give thanks.
Last year at this time I was controlled by fear, overwhelmed by grief and clinging to the tiniest bit of hope and faith I could muster. So much has changed in a year, even in these last 6 months. I honestly questioned if I would ever see joy the same way, after losing Noah or if I’d be permanently scarred by his absence in our life. In the last year I have grown to realize I will never see joy again, in a different way than before Noah quickly came into and left our world. And I’m okay with that. Yes I have scars that are permanently indented into my soul and forever scraped across my heart. But I look at those wounds that have now grown closed but are forever there, as a beautiful reminder of lessons learned. I no longer look at life the same way, I see beauty in the skies I never saw before. I am forever changed because of a song that just somehow appears on the radio, in a movie, or almost every time Jarrett gets into the car (its Noah’s way of connecting with his daddy, I’m convinced) Our family smiles when we think of their brother in heaven and we celebrate as best we can the time we get with each other here.
Yes this year has been a year of great blessings, of faith fulfilled and hope renewed. Our family has found joy in life as we all celebrate and watch life through a newborn, our precious Madelyn. If God created medicine for broken, aching souls, creating her was his greatest prescription. I have watched the eyes of my older boys grow with happiness as they kiss and love on their precious Maddie. I have watch Isabelle find a bond and a connection she only once could admire in the bond her two brother share with each other. Now a playmate, Isabelle and Madelyn have best friends in each other and it’s a love that goes both ways. And I have watched my husband, literally sigh a breath of relief as he watches his wife bathe his newest daughter. In seeing his wife’s happiness once again fill her eyes, he breathes easier knowing her spirit has been restored.
Yes it seems silly to feel such strong feelings as we turn the page and close yet another annual planner. For with closing 2016, I get, God willing, to open up the possibilities of what 2017 may bring. As much as I look forward to 2017 and the wonder that has yet to unfold, I look back and cherish all that 2016 brought us. Yes fear, yes anxiety, but also growth in the number of members to love in our family, growth for me spiritually, emotionally and mentally as I worked, we worked to overcome and walk through grief.
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| Not only is it my planner but also a file for other important papers. |
In a few short weeks, I’ll close this 2016 planner but I will not let it go. Just as I write this blog to remember and record the moments of this life, I will keep that planner in my cedar chest as a reminder of what 2016 meant. So much growth, so many blessings, so much love. 2016, what a year.
Until next time,
Angie
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