Merry Christmas Noah...

Noah, tomorrow morning I'm hoping to wake up to the shouts of your big brothers and sister as they realize Santa has come.  It will also be your baby sister's first Christmas and I remind myself we have so much to celebrate and be happy about.

But I would be lying if I said my heart doesn't ache tonight that I don't get to celebrate this Christmas with you.  Tonight at church, we sang "Hark the Herald" and at the exact same time, Daddy and I thought of you.  I know we were thinking of you because as we sang the words...

"Born to raise the son's of earth, born to give us second birth."

I couldn't hold back my tears.  I looked over at your daddy and he too had tears welled up in his eyes.  I reached for his hand which had moved to rub my shoulder and I mouthed to him, "Noah"  He nodded his head, yes.  We both miss you so much.

Noah, I tried to make my heart feel better by reminding myself you are celebrating Jesus' birthday with him.  I can't imagine how wonderful the celebrate in Heaven is.  Selfishly, I just wanted you for myself, for us here.

Tonight at dinner Noah, our family sat at our front room table and next to us was your tree.

Of all 7 trees in our house, yours is my favorite.  As I pulled the dinner from the oven, Madelyn who was in her high chair next to it was staring at the flickering lights.  Michael noticed and said, "Maddie that's your brother Noah's tree... isn't it pretty?"  A few minutes later, we sat down at the table and prayed.  Then Michael said, "Mom, it's sad that Maddie never got to meet Noah in person."  He is right.  I said, "I think so too Michael, I guess she'll only know about him through pictures and our stories."   Another part of this burden of grief I'll probably never be okay with. 

Noah, I hope you know just how much we love you, how often you're in our thoughts and in our minds and oh how much I'd love it if I could only hold you one more time.  I just don't know how I'd ever have the strength to say goodbye again.

Noah, I saw this poem this morning and I thought it perfectly fits just what I want to say you to, today, on Christmas....

18 months ago today, Daddy and I had to say goodbye.  Not a day has gone by that you weren't on my mind.  We love you little buddy, and I hope you have a very Merry Christmas.  

Until next time,

Merry Christmas baby.  Love always... your mommy