It's again the 13th of the month and I thought about you all day. Yes, I felt you near and I smiled as I thought again about your birth. It's hard for me to to believe you would be 17 months old today. I so wonder what you would be doing at this point, if you were still here in the way we wanted you most.
We noticed you yesterday sending us not one, but two tiny rainbows in the sky as we spent our final day with Grandpa and Grandma on their visit. Maybe you felt just how happy we were as we enjoyed time together. Grandma noticed you saying hi first... she said, you must have wanted to be a part of the fun we were having too.
Noah, I know you already know this but we sure miss you. Last night when we attended the wonderful Zoo Light's party held by our friend Debbie, I felt great happiness. Last year, I was so overcome by the sadness in losing you and the fear of losing precious tiny Madelyn growing inside of me, I could only sit on the bench by myself while Dad took the rest of the kiddos around. This year, I feel so completely different, I feel happy and I think it's in part because of the precious little sister you sent us. This year we all smiled, we all laughed and we cherished the time we were able to spend together. And you know Noah, we looked to the sky and thought of you with smiles too.
As much as we will never get over losing you, I'm starting to accept the fact that I'll only be able to talk to you like this and to turn my head to the sky to whisper I love you's. My heart will never stop missing you. I don't think any of ours will. Just the other day, while I was cleaning up Isabelle's room with her, she reached over and grabbed my hand, and said, "Momma, when God is done with Noah in Heaven, can we get him some stuff here so he can come be with us?" It broke my heart to tell her, you don't get to come back here as the way her 4-year old mind thinks you should. Oh how I wish you could.
Noah, I wonder tonight and most nights what Heaven must be like with you there. Tonight I wonder what it must look like as you look down on us. There's that big, huge, super moon covering our sky and as so many look up in wonder and awe, I look up and wonder this...
Could it possibly be that at this moment, as I look up to the moon, my precious angel, (yes you Noah) are looking down at the same beautiful creation?
I love you my precious little one. I'll never stop and my love only grows and grows. Please ask God to watch over us and keep us all safe, especially your little sister okay? Mom and Dad don't want any more scares with her breathing. Please ask God to watch over her and the rest of us okay?
Good night my little buddy. Momma loves you yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever.
Seventeen months ago today, a miracle was born and we named him Noah.
Love you always my precious baby,
Mom
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