I accept and understand God had a different plan for Noah. I instead give thanks for 12 days we were able to share together. That doesn't mean not a day, an hour, sometimes even a minute goes by when he isn't far from the first thing on my mind. I will forever wonder what his personality would have been like, what he would have loved, what his smile would have looked like and how much different our life would be if he was still here.
I continue to learn that grief continues to evolve and change and sometimes out of the blue, it sneaks up on me, and sends me into a tailspin of sadness. Today it was changing a load of laundry when the tears flows. Yesterday it was a pit in my stomach where that empty part of my body that became void when he left us, ached more than normal. Everyday grief is a different journey.
But while grief in losing him may forever be a part of my life, I choose today to remember him and try to smile. Past the ache is missing him, past the pain in knowing he wanted to stay too, past the sadness of his loss... I try to smile.
Noah was and will always be one of the greatest gifts I was given in this life. And he taught me so many things. He taught me to look at my children still here, and despite how challenging they can be, to give thanks that I have them. Noah, taught us the lesson of kindness and that giving is much more rewarding than receiving and he reminded us of so many wonderful people we have in our lives. So much to be thankful for.
Today Noah, while I am so sad I can't hold you in my arms, I reflect back on videos of your first bath, your first days in this world, and of the moments we shared that are now some of my most cherished memories.
Today on World Prematurity Day we remember you Noah. And we remember and pray for all the other babies born too soon.
Love you always,
Mom
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