How should I feel?

They've become so consistent, I can almost predict when they are going to arrive.  Each month, ever so many weeks, Jarrett brings the mail it and sets it on the counter.  Each time they come the envelope is left unopened because we both now its just another reminder letter.

Since Noah passed away almost 3 years ago, we have been receiving notifications from our insurance company continuously reminding us that we are behind in getting our child vaccinated, that we haven't taken him to the doctor for his X (month/year) appointment.  The letters aren't for Gabriel, Michael, Isabelle or Madelyn.  They are for Noah.  Yes the child that we had to say goodbye to 983 days ago (yes I know how many days it has been).  No matter how many days, weeks, months, years pass, its a timeline that is forever etched into my heart.  My life before Noah and my life after him.

At first the letters were like a knife stabbing me in the heart.  I called the company and tried my best to hold my composure as I informed them yet again, that sadly my child has passed away.  I asked them to please update their records.  Before hanging up the phone, the customer service representative said they were sorry, that they would make a note and the letters should stop.  They didn't.  And I kept calling.

The letters continue to come and according to their records we are still behind on Noah's 2 year shots (funny that they never received record of him receiving any of his 3 month, 6 month, 9 month, .... 1 year, 18 month vaccinations but now they are worried about his 2 year shots.  I called the company and talked to so many people I stopped writing down the names, dates and details of the conversations I had with them promising me they would remove him, it didn't matter anyway.  The letters keep coming.

I updated the records with my work and supplied them with a copy of his death certificate.  Yet he still remains on our insurance coverage and his name appears on our family insurance cards.  

With each letter that comes or our new insurance cards that come and his name is still on them, I find myself feeling differently about these silly letters.  One of the millions of things I grieve about losing our baby boy is all the experiences, the memories, the moments we will never have.  From playing catch, to the missed hugs, to even the ER visits with a need for stitches... all experiences missed out on.

So in some silly way when a letter comes addressed to Noah's parents, or our insurance cards arrive with the names of all of our family members (ALL names included) I find myself cherishing the moment.  To celebrate what it might have been like if he were here.  If I was able to take him into get his 2 year shots.  Or if I did need to have his name on our insurance card because he needed medical attention  Oh yes, if  only.  

I'm not going to lie.  Each time these letters appear in the mail, my first reaction is to feel sad and hurt that he isn't here, nut now, I am trying to change the way I feel about it.  Instead of getting upset and hurt, I'm trying to think of it instead as a special reminder of the little baby boy we once had and who I carry in my heart and mind each and everyday.  

Instead of it being a reminder letter from my insurance company of what I don't have and have failed to do, I'm going to instead pretend it's a letter from Noah just saying hi.  I know it really isn't him, but why not let me make it a more peaceful moment.  I've called so many times and tried to explain, which isn't really changing anything, so I might as well make lemonade out of a bunch of lemons.  

I'm curious, how would you feel if this was you?  Would you do anything differently?  Would you pretend its something different if it made you feel better?  I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel, but I'm trying to find more happiness, peace and comfort in my life.  And if the letters aren't going to stop, I might as well find a way to enjoy them, no?

Until next time,

Angie