Dear Noah,
Happy early birthday buddy. I can't believe in just a few hours you will be turning 6. In some ways when I think back to those moments we spent together it doesn't seem that long ago, and yet I look at life today and can't believe how much has happened and how much has changed.
Six years ago tonight, I remember laying in that hospital bed knowing somethings were changing, even before Kristal, our nurse mentioned she was concerned about you and thought it was time you came. I remember being really warm that day and that I felt you very low. I also remember feeling the contractions more consistently than what had been happening the days prior. I think maybe I was in denial and tried to push it out of my mind. I wanted you to stay inside for as long as we could. But you were destined to come and on the early morning hours of June 13th you made your arrival. Boy did you make me happy to know you survived labor and while it was so scary to see how tiny you were and how they rushed you off to the NICU, I was proud from the very first moment... that I was your momma.
Noah, I'll never understand in my lifetime why your story went the way it did. I long to know you and to watch you grow up, but as the years pass by I find myself more at peace knowing you are okay, waiting for us and watching over. I so appreciate the signs you still send on extra stressful days (you and God know there has been plenty of them this past year) and just like this past Wednesday when life presented us with another stressor, I turned on my computer to join a meeting and there you were... a rainbow on the screen, a reminder to let go and let God guide us through each moment.
In the past six years I've wondered so much what your daily activities are like. Do you play with the other babies and children that have to leave their parents too early too? Do you spend time with our grandparents? I sure hope you tell them hi for me. Do you bounce along the clouds, laughing and smiling? I wonder what it's like.
Noah, I'm so grateful for the time we got, although selfishly I wanted more, I'm thankful I got them in the first place. Tonight at the dinner table we talk about that tomorrow is your birthday and that you would be 6. Isabelle said, "Mom, I wish Noah was here." and I said, you know Isabelle we all wish Noah would have lived but that wasn't the way it was supposed to go and Madelyn is here, and we are so thankful she is here. To which Madelyn busted out the song, "Heaven is a place on Earth" and we all laughed. She always makes us laugh and really was a true rainbow baby in the sense she restored our hope and faith that after losing you we could still have better days.
And here we go to sleep tonight with two more little guys in addition that bring us so much joy, love and happiness. Thank you and God for sending them to be in our family too.
Noah, tomorrow we are going back to the place where you spent your earthly time, Banner Desert hospital and we will gift items in your memory. We hope the families who are given the gifts find moments of hope, of happiness and that they pass along the kindness, just like we were given so much when you were born. Noah, although the time passes and life goes on, you will always be a part of our lives and we celebrate you.
Although I don't get to hug or kiss you or help you blow out your birthday candles, I will always do my best to honor you and your life. I hope tomorrow in Heaven is an extra special day for you. Maybe you'll go fishing with Grandpa Ray or be swooned upon by your grandma's. What ever the case, I wish you a very happy birthday, little buddy. I'll send my love to you in the morning as I look up into the sky and search for the rainbows you send us.
Happy 6th birthday Noah!
Love you always,
Mom
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