Week 19: Full Steam Ahead

Another post from when things were so much better...

Full Steam ahead

May 12, 2015

This week marks the point where I’m almost at the half way point of the pregnancy.  I can’t believe we are almost already half way there and I’m so so thankful the first 18 weeks are over.  I’m hoping they were the hardest part, that is until labor.  I know that is the Mount Everest of this pregnancy journey.  Thankfully I have about 18 more weeks to procrastinate in facing the reality that that part has to happen.

For all the weeks I spent complaining about how terrible I have felt, I’m finally ready to focus on how much better I’m feeling.  I’m not feeling great, but I’m feeling oh so much better.  I actually have the energy to get up and make meals for my family, to throw in a load of laundry and believe it or not, even attempt to clean my house.  This is light years ahead of where I was just a few weeks ago.

I still have my moments when I want to lose my lunch and going to the grocery store still presents in many challenges.  I don’t know if it is all the food, the different smells, or just the different types of foods (I think its that being I said it twice), but I have such a hard time keeping myself from getting sick.  I usually try to race through the store, picking up the necessary items and pray my gagging reflux stays a reflux. 

I’ve also officially moved into the stage of preferring to wear maternity clothes over my regular clothes.  It seemed to almost happen overnight, actually it did.  On Sunday morning I went to put on a pair of shorts and while they still fit every other place, there was so closing the button around my waist.  Given that we spent Mother’s Day at home, I opted to leave my pants unbuttoned and wore a big shirt overtop to hide the fact my pants were gaping open.  I showed Jarrett and said, “look, it won’t close” to which he responded, ‘Isn’t it so exciting?!?!?!”  I I love his continued optimism. 

Another exciting this happening this week is that we had our 20 week (a few days early) ultrasound.  I’m traveling back to Iowa this afternoon for my brother’s wedding and I wanted to be able to share with my family then if we are having a girl or boy.  My doctor said they actually like to do their ultrasounds around week 19 so she was totally on board with scheduling me early. 

After last week’s scare, and having had an ultrasound only three days earlier, I was looking forward to having an ultrasound for something other than a complication.  Yesterday was the big day.  Jarrett and I went together and the ultrasound tech took us back.  She asked us some questions, expressed excitement as most people do when we tell them we have three other adopted children and this surprise baby is our first pregnancy.  She then went right to work.  This ultrasound was  very different than I expected and while I hoping to get some great pictures of the little peanut (well, I guess actually this week the baby is a size of a heirloom tomato), instead most of the time was spent looking at cross sections of the baby to check all the organs and fetal development.  The baby seems to have found a very comfortable place down in my lower pelvic area and was not interested in moving.  With its head down, and sleeping rather soundly the tech had me lay on one of my sides for a while hoping baby would turn.  Nope.  So I laid on my other side maybe that would make baby slide to the other side.  Nope, the baby was still not interested in waking up or moving anywhere.  So then I got to drink juice to give the baby some sugar.  While the juice woke the baby up and made the baby start moving its arms and legs, it still had no interested in moving from the far right corner of my pelvis.  Even with the tech poking, prodding and bouncing the sensor all over my stomach, Baby H had no interest in moving around.  The tech said, “Your baby is being stubborn.”  To which I responded, “I have no idea where she/he would have gotten that from.” 

In the end, after an hour of trying to get the baby to move to see all the parts she needed to see, the tech game up and she said, “You’re just going to have to come back and we’ll do this again. That’s the good news and the bad news.”  Personally, I see it only as good news as I told her, “Every time we get to see the baby, moving and the heart beating, it is reassurance everything is okay.”  I’ll take as many of these as I can get.   After the hour plus long ultrasound, it was time to go to my 20 week appointment with Courtney, the nurse practitioner.    Every other appointment, I was scheduled with Dr. B so this was different, but given the fact I had just seen Dr. B three days earlier, I felt confident in seeing someone else.  Courtney turned out to be wonderful and very informative.  She reviewed the preliminary results of the ultrasound with us, and what they could see.  She said the baby looks wonderful, is measuring right on target, the organs, heart, kidneys, stomach, bladder all look great.  They could tell the baby is doing everything she/he is supposed to by drinking the fluid, sending it to its stomach, and then to its bladder and back out into the sack.  Isn’t that such a precious process?  Who wouldn’t want to drink your own pee?  Okay, I’m joking, its all clean pee they tell me.  Seriously, isn’t that kind of strange though?   

She then went onto to give me a good talking too about the bleeding I’ve been having.  She said, some women are able to run a marathon during their pregnancy, and some women aren’t allowed to spend hardly anytime on their feet.”  You have to listen to your body, and I think your body is telling you its stressed when you’ve been having some of these symptoms.  I had told her the night before I had contractions, (nothing they are worried about but Braxton hicks) and she said that is often a sign of dehydration or that your body is stressed.  And that on top of the spotting, she said, “You are going to have to start taking things easier, or the next thing we move to is bedrest.”  I told her I’d be a good listener and try to take things even more easy.  She asked me how active I’ve been and to be honest, I don’t feel like I’ve been active at all.  However as I started listing things off she said, “You have to remember you are already a working mom to three kids who are busy and involved. While it doesn’t seem to active you to, you are actually very active in just keeping up the normal schedule with them. Give yourself permission to take things easy before we have to force you to take things easy.”  The message was received, loud and clear!

As we wrapped up the appointment, I was again reminded of the fact I’m turning another year older and how that means this pregnancy is different.  She said, I’m going to give you orders for your glucose testing.  She said, how it works is you’ll go and drink a large sugary drink, sit and wait for an hour and then have your blood taken.  If you pass the test they will say congratulations, you get to come back in a few more weeks and do it all over again.  If you don’t pass the test then you get to come back sooner, drink another sugary drink and other stuff (I tuned out actually) and then you get to take a three hour test.  Either way because of your age, you get to do this twice.  I’ve heard about this drink from my other pregnant friends and they’ve said it isn’t the most pleasant but tolerable.  Pre-pregnancy when I couldn’t get enough sugar, I probably would have welcomed it.  Now I’m not too interested in sugar and so we shall see how it goes.

She asked if I had any final questions and I decided to ask about how often I need to come back now that I’m at twenty weeks.  She said that my next appointment will be in a month and then at 28 weeks I will start coming every two weeks.  Then at 32 weeks I get to come twice a week to the office to see them just so they can make sure everything is going well.  I was surprised twice a week, given my sister had just had a baby and only had to go weekly.  Courtney must have sensed me mentally trying to figure out why I had to come twice, so she said, “That’s a benefit of being of advanced maternal age!”  For once in my life, I’m actually okay with going twice a week.   She said, “You’ll probably also have several more ultrasounds as we like to monitor the baby closely towards the end.”  Finally, a benefit (or dare I say two) of being old and pregnant.  In the last 20 weeks, I’ve found the doctors’ appointments to be so comforting and helpful as I navigate this uncharted waters.  I look forward to the frequent reassurance that things are going as they are supposed to.

One of the questions the doctor had asked me was if I was feeling a lot of movement from the baby and truthfully, other than a handful of times here or there, I haven’t really felt much.  The doctor explained that sometimes that is normal and once again I prayed for a mellow, calm child.  Seriously Isabelle runs enough for 3 or 4 kids.  I had told the doctor the time when I feel the baby most is at night and last night was the best night of my pregnancy so far.  As is every night, I get up to use the bathroom about 6 or 7 times and usually by 2 am I’m wide awake.  Last night, as I laid in bed, counting the minutes tick by on the clock I was rubbing my stomach as sometimes it helps it feel better.  As I rubbed my left side, I stopped for a bit and a second later, I felt it.  It was surely a kick.  I rubbed the same spot again and stopped.  Sure enough it was another kick.  Instantly I smiled and I felt for the first time it was the baby responding to me.  I repeated the motion about 5 more times and each time I stopped and held my hand against my stomach, I felt a kick back in response.  It was the best feeling ever!  Honestly, I was so happy, I thought about waking up Jarrett, but remembered how tired he was so instead I enjoyed the moment just the two of us, baby and me. 

In the weeks I was sicker than a dog, I’d beg my sister, Meg who just had a baby to give me some good news.  “When does the pregnancy get better?”  to which she responded, ‘When you feel the baby move.’  While I wanted to believe her, it wasn’t until last night when I realized she was 100% correct.  Feeling baby H kick in response to my rubbing of my belly, honestly made feeling sick for 15 plus weeks worth it.  While I do not want to relive it again, knowing baby is now big enough for me to feel and can show me he/she is doing okay in there, is simply amazing.    What a miracle. 

Highlights of the week:

How far along are you? 19 weeks 4 days

How I’m feeling?  Better… full steam ahead

Total weight gain…  I ‘m up 4 pounds since learning I was pregnant. 

How big is baby? I Baby is about 11 ounces and 6 inches long.  The size of a heirloom tomato.

Maternity clothes…  awe yes, feels so much better on my belly! 

Best moment this week… highlighted above!

Movement… Yay, several kicks!

Food cravings… not really craving but meat sounds good… steak, chicken

Food aversions… same as before… anything with tomatoes or tomato-based products, nothing with lots of garlic and or too spicy

Belly button in or out… still in

What I miss…  Sleeping through the night.

What I’m looking forward to… going home to see my family in Iowa.  My brother and Kacee’s wedding, my sister’s bridal shower and meeting my new niece for the first time! 

Until next time,

Angie

Rainbows among us...

Since Noah has passed, rainbows serve as a reminder to me that he is near.  I've seen many rainbows since June 25 and each of them provides my heart with a tiny dose of peace.

Here in the desert, it isn't too common to see rainbows.  It isn't too often we have rainstorms to bring about the beauty of them after the storm.  And yet, this summer I've seen more rainbows here than I ever remember seeing.  With each one I think of my precious little boy, the one who left my arms too soon.

 I'll probably never stop searching the sky for rainbows, but thanks to a couple special people in our lives, we don't even have to leave our house now to feel Noah's presence.

See we've been given the gift of a rainbow catcher.  Yes, you heard that correctly, a rainbow catcher.  Who even knew there was such a thing.  Here's what they look like...

and

 And they do exactly as their name states... they catch the most beautiful rainbows and decorate them all throughout one's house.

That's what they do for us each and everyday now.  

Sometimes the rainbows are faint...

And sometimes they are as vibrant as the beautiful blue sky outside...

Sometimes, they surprise us where they appear... like here on the chair I sit on at dinner.

And sometimes they dance around our house, hundreds of tiny rainbows, like diamonds in the star-filled sky at night. 

 The beautiful rays of color that fill our house, seem to appear all around, never in the same spot from one minute to the next.  Last weekend, we found them a rainbow all the way into Gabriel and Michael's room along their bedroom door... the boys just happened to be in their room playing Legos at the time, and when the noticed it, they shouted across the house for us all to come and see. I wondered if Noah was watching them from above and giving us a sign.

 Chasing rainbows throughout our house has become our favorite family tradition.  And by "our' I mean all of us.  The boys search for them, Isabelle dances when she sees them, Dad smiles when he sees them and my heart ache eases when I see the beautiful sign that reminds me Noah is always with us.

 Sometimes the rainbow is faint (like the one in this picture above), but the healing power they bring all of us, is truly remarkable.  We are grateful.

Chasing rainbows, those rainbows among us... our new favorite family tradition... one Noah can even a part of.    And that, makes my heart feel blessed.

Until next time,
Angie

A mother's love...

For the past two weeks my mom has been here to help us.  I know when she surprised us on our anniversary, back on August 9th, that she had come to see us all, but mostly she had come because she was worried about me.

Maybe there is just something about having your mom with you that makes things better, and I am in a very different place than I was just two short weeks ago.  It was a very dark place that I don't wish anyone to ever have to experience.

I told Jarrett, I told my parents, I had lost all hope and I wasn't going to let myself feel anything hopeful because I'm honestly kind of afraid God might take that away too.   I'm not very trusting right now, so I choose to not risk anything that could make my heart ache and the pain worse.  Kind of like that saying, "What do you have to lose when you don't have anything TO lose."  That's how I felt and to protect myself, I choose not to let any hope seep back in.

Its not the way I want to live.  This has never been the way I've lived my life.  I've always been a hopeful person, I've always believed my dreams could someday become my reality and to follow one's dreams, there always has to be hope.

Having Noah was probably the biggest risk in hope I've ever taken.  After we passed 20 weeks, I thought things were going to be okay, so I opened up my heart, and let hope flood my insides.  I had great hope in seeing him for the first time.  Getting to feel his tiny hand around my fingers.  The hope for what our future was going to be like as a family of six.  Hope for what he and his siblings would grow to be someday.  Hope.  It was racing throughout my body as Noah's tiny body grew day by day.

And then in a flash, Noah was gone and along with it went every ounce of hope I've ever felt.  I just don't understand how God could grant the answer to my longest prayer only to take him away so quickly.  I still struggle with this daily.  Just last weekend, here in the valley, I happened to see on the news that someone found a newborn baby boy deceased in a dumpster behind a store.  I immediately thought of Noah and that that baby was someone else's miracle.  The baby, some mother's precious son, tossed out like a piece of trash.  And my heart grows heavier, my mind spins, and I feel angry that God would allow such terrible things to happen.  When I heard the news about the newborn baby boy found in the trash, I just happened to be driving to work on Saturday, and alone in my car, I shouted to God for an understanding.

There is nothing that makes since God in what you've done.  Why would you take my son and allow a mother to throw away her perfectly healthy, full-term baby boy into the trash?  I can't understand the sense in this.  God, you've crushed me and with that you've taken my hope.  I loved my son.  I wanted my son.  I would have died for my son.  Why did you do this?

The response was silence... as it filled the air around me in the car on my drive.

It is reasons such as these I protect myself, by blocking out all hope, all chance that life can be full of color someday.

I can't put my finger on exactly what has changed in the last two weeks other than my mom has been here with us every minute we are not at work.  It has been wonderful.  She's made us home-cooked meals, took me shopping with her (which we haven't done in years), we went out for dinner just the two of us, and we spent time watching movies.  Some nights, as she'd sit on the couch with Jarrett, I'd sit in the chair (still can't sit on the damn couch) and I'd think back to when I was a kid.  How nice it was to feel sheltered by my parents protection.  How no matter what was stressing me, they were their like a shield to take the brunt of the blow.  That's what parents do.  They protect, they provide safety and security and they are there to be one's rescuer in all danger.

Sitting on the couch seeing how my mom put her life on hold to come and "rescue" me, I've realized how lucky I am to have the mother I do.  My mom never got the chance to have her mom rescue her when life with four young children got to be too much.  My mom, lost her mom at a very early age.

And while our losses are the exact opposite, I know my mom's scarred heart can relate to the terrible heartache and pain I constantly feel.  Perhaps that's why she came.  Perhaps, she could sense it.   Perhaps, actually the reality is, she's here because of a mother's love.

In the last two days of Noah's life, it was excruciating to have to watch him be poked, prodded, and filled with medication, blood and fluids.  I found myself turning away as I just couldn't watch my poor baby go through another procedure.  Internally I begged the nurses and the doctors to stop and to just let him be.  I never vocalized it, I knew they were doing what he needed.  I prayed by his bedside, I talked to him, I sang Amazing Grace over and over and over to him, and I begged God to let him stay.  I would have given up my last breath in an instant, if it would have meant he could have lived.  I really would have and if God came to me today and said I could take his place and give him life here, I wouldn't hesitate.  I would go willingly.

And that's what I think a mother's love is.  A mother loves her child, her family, her spouse in self-sacrificing ways that often go unnoticed.  A mother, when she sees her child's life crumbing into pieces, races to help catch the other pieces to save them before they too crash to the floor.  A mother would do anything to take away the pain her child feels, to take it unto themselves without question.  I would have done this for Noah everyday of his life, and I try to do it for Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle now.  This is what my mother has done for me the past two weeks she has been here.

And I think that's why I am not as far deep into that terrible dark hole as I was 15 days ago.  Where the exits are no where to be seen and the only place to go is farther down.  My mother found a way in the past 14 days, to throw a rope down to me, crawl down beside me, lift me up and carry me back out of that place.  She has been my rescuer.  She has guided me back on the path and cheered me along, telling me I can make it through this challenge.

I pray that this terribly difficult road we now walk, doesn't have any holes quite so large.  I know there will be more, I worry about those days coming back.  I beg God to let the pits be not as deep, but in my lack of trust, I try to prepare myself for another canyon to cross ahead.

Tomorrow morning, before the sun comes up, I take my mom to the airport, and say goodbye until next month when I go home as my sister gets married.  I wish Mom was staying, we all wish she was staying, but the time has come for me to try to do this again on our own.  I am an adult and need to carry the pieces of this broken life in my own arms.  The burden seems unbearable, the weight of the sorrow crushing, and I'm not quite sure I'm ready to assume the struggle that for two weeks my mom shouldered for us.  Its time to stand up, and try to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

My mom rescued me.  My mom did for me, what I could not do for Noah.  I will always live with the sadness I could not save him, no matter how hard I tried.  And as hard as that is for me, I look at the life left in front of me and realized, my mom is doing exactly what I wanted to do for Noah.  Only she's doing it for me.  She was there for me in a way, that only a mother's love can be.

Thank you Mom.  I'm so grateful you came, even though I told you not too.  I'm so grateful for being that rock for the kids and I when I just couldn't pretend any longer.  Thank you for everything you've done and continue to do.  I'm truly blessed to have you has my mom. I love you.

Grandma, you're going to be missed.  We love you.

Until next time,
Angie

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Noah's Kindness Project Appreciation.

Thank you to everyone who has helped us spread the message and support of Noah's Kindness Project.  We are excited to see all of the ideas and efforts you have come up with to celebrate Noah's legacy with us all while helping the world to be a kinder place.

For those people here in the valley, we are in the process of putting together a schedule of service activities and events we plan to participate on Saturday, October 3. If you are here and interested, we would invite you to join us.  In the coming weeks, we will share a detailed agenda of what our local kindness project will look like.  We plan to perform 12 acts of kindness (in various different forms) in honor of the 12 days Noah lived.  It will be a very busy day, but one that hopefully fills our hearts (and so many more) because of the kindness shared in his memory.

The Noah's Kindness Project cards will be created this weekend and posted on the website for those who live far away and would like to print out to use on their own.  We will also be ordering a supply to share with those here.  If you would like to have some of the cards for your efforts, please let Jarrett or I know and we can find a way to get them to you.

Additionally, we plan to order t-shirts to wear throughout the weekend.  If you are interested in purchasing a Noah's Kindness Project t-shirt, we will provide additional information and order instructions here and on our Facebook page soon.

There are so many activities currently being planned, that this is the first time since Noah's passing that I feel consumed with something other than overwhelming grief.  The support so many of you have shown us through your Facebook likes, the sharing of our group and the encouragement that you are willing to participate, is truly remarkable.  And Jarrett and I both said, we feel this effort will be so critical in helping us turn the tragedy of Noah's passing into a moving legacy that spreads hope, faith and kindness... truly gifts Noah brought us.

Thank you all for the love and support.

More information coming soon.

Noah's Kindness Project...be the rainbow in someone else's cloud.

Until next time,
Angie

Noah's Kindness Project

Announcing the Celebration of “Noah’s Kindness Project” 2015: Showing Love, Kindness, and Generosity on October 3, 2015

As many of you may know, our son, Noah James Haskovec, was born to us on June 13, 2015 following a week-long stay in the hospital.  We spent the next twelve days with him in the NICU at the hospital before he passed away on June 25.  Our blog documents his short but meaningful life with us here on earth. 

While Noah lived a short time, we truly believe and find consolation in that fact that his life was meaningful and impacted the lives of many others in positive ways.  Throughout our stay at the hospital, our many visits to see him at the NICU every day, and after his passing, we always felt the profound and genuine love, kindness, support, prayers, and caring offered and shown by so many people, including those who had been complete strangers to us and those living in states far away from us.  Noah’s Kindness Project is both an opportunity to remember and honor our son’s memory and to capture, recreate, and promote the kindness, generosity, and love people exhibited toward us during his life.

Noah’s life brought out the best in so many.  While we were at the hospital, friends and family regularly stopped in to visit us and offer their love and support and brought or sent many gifts and care packages in an effort to make sure we had everything we needed and to show they cared.  So many contacted us by every medium imaginable – telephone, email, texts, Facebook, cards and letters, and others – to share a supportive note and to let us know they were thinking about and praying for us that it took us quite a while to get back to everyone.  A few days before Noah was born, some friends organized a meal delivery schedule to ensure that we would not have to be concerned about planning meals for our other children.  The meal deliveries went on for fully seven weeks.  More friends and family than we can count offered to watch our other kids and dog for us throughout this time.  Some friends jumped in to take one of our sons to and from baseball practice and games.  People prayed for us – some for the first time in a long time.  We continued to receive a steady stream of letters, cards, flowers/plants, gifts, and other expressions of love and support from friends and family over the next many weeks.  Some gifts were for our other children and were offered to keep them happy and busy during this difficult time.  Once Noah had passed, the kindness, generosity, love, and support continued to flow, including some extremely moving gifts from strangers who read about and followed our experiences on the blog.  People followed our story – Noah’s story – throughout on the blog.  People rejoiced with us during the happy times, prayed for us during the challenging times, and suffered with us when he passed.  We felt lifted up throughout and were extremely touched.  Just when we thought people couldn’t possibly do more or be more generous to us, people did more.  It has been an amazing feeling. 

This October 3, Noah’s expected due date, please join us in celebrating his life and legacy.  Please take some time out of your day to do something nice for someone, to help someone in need or in distress, to volunteer or support a cause important to you, to pray for others and reflect on what we can do to help, or to just make someone’s day unexpectedly better. 

Below are some ideas of the many different ways you can participate in Noah’s Kindness Project. 

• Visit someone in the hospital (or other care facility) or in their home
• Call or reach out to someone in need or in crisis
• Volunteer for a cause important to you
• Donate to an organization that helps others and to which you would not ordinarily donate
• Donate blood
• Send a care package to someone who doesn’t expect it
• Open a door for someone or help someone carry something
• Generously tip a service person
• Thank a healthcare worker, service person, firefighter, or emergency responder for their service
• Pay for someone’s meal or drink unexpectedly
• Clean up a park, the side of the road or a neighborhood-shared space
• Send an anonymous gift and note to someone in need or struggling
• Give someone a ride to their doctor’s appointment
• Share your talent in a way to make someone’s day better

The act of kindness is really up to you.  Our goal is to have as many people as possible participate in spreading kindness and love across the world.  Your act of kindness can be as simple as holding a door or as generous as giving of your time and money to help.  All we ask is that you do something and that you join us in remembering our son.  We will provide Noah’s Kindness cards that you can print out and encourage you to leave with your act of kindness.  

To see how far-reaching Noah’s Kindness Project can reach, we ask, once your act(s) of kindness is done, that you report back and post something about your experience.  Please use the hashtag #noahskindnessproject on Twitter, Instagram and join our Facebook group “Noah’s Kindness Project”.  Take pictures, share Noah’s Kindness cards, and encourage everyone you know to participate.  The world needs more love and concern for others.  Noah and his story brought it out in so many.  We ask you to please join us and be a part of Noah’s Kindness Project.

Please join us in our efforts and connect with us on Facebook under the group, "Noah's Kindness Project"  

2 months... my partner

Today my son would have been two months old.  I miss him every minute of everyday, and while I'd do anything to change the reality that we face, I can't.  So I choose (thanks Kellie for the reminder) to celebrate this day.

I talked last month that I was going to spend every 13th of the month highlighting one of the blessings I'm thankful for because of Noah.  Today I choose to talk about my partner in this journey, the person whose held us together, and who continues to put my needs first.  Today I give extra thanks to the person who has stayed by my side from the very beginning... Jarrett.

Most people know Jarrett and I have known each other since we were babies... literally, we attended the same preschool.  And while we've been together for what seems our entire lives, we actually started dating when he was 16 and I was 15.

I liked him for many years and always considered him one of my best male friends.  We hung around the same circle of friends.  I was (still am) impressed by Jarrett's intelligence.  He's the smartest person I've ever met and when he sets his mind to something, he's determined he's going to accomplish it.  These are just some of the qualities, I love and admire in him.

When we started dating, we wanted to spend as much time as we could together. And that's a feeling I believe we both feel just as strongly today.  When I was admitted to the hospital back on June 7th, my husband stayed by my side every single day.  He slept in a tiny, very uncomfortable chair that hardly reclined.  He froze under the air vent while I laid in a huge adjustable bed, and had my every need attended to.  Jarrett and I joked that the pin he would wear everyday (to get the discount at the cafeteria) that read, "Partner in Caring" really did live up to the saying.  He helped me through some really hard times, psychically took care of me as I went to the bathroom every 45 minutes, 24 hours a day for 6 days straight and he held my hand as we lived through the scariest, most challenging, and the best days of our lives.  He was there through it all.

Even though most days he was freezing, he didn't complain.  I tried to share my blankets with him.

Jarrett decided that I had the more comfortable bed.  On our last day when we had checked out.  

I look back now and realize, never once did he even think about leaving my side.  Of course, with the way everything happened, neither one of us had prepared to be gone from work.  Jarrett had piles of work, deadlines to meet, clients to help, and from the moment this journey started, he put my needs, above it all.

While we've been discharged from the hospital for 58 days now, Jarrett's commitment to me, to us, to our family has remained strong as stone.  I'm not gonna lie, there have been some very bad days at our house in the weeks and almost 2 months following Noah's passing.  There are some days, I write about and don't share here, but keep forever locked away in my own journal.  This journey has been harder than I ever imagined life could get, and still I find, my rock providing the support, when I'm too weak to hold up the structure.

In our new membership to the Infant Loss Support Group, Suzanne recently posted a picture to our Facebook group...


And as I read it, I immediately thought about Jarrett.  I know people are asking him about me.  I see the text messages back and forth between him and members of my family back home in Iowa.  I'm sure people ask him about how I am, how the kids are, and I hope they are asking how he is.  Jarrett says they are.  But I wonder if Jarrett can really share with others how he feels.  I don't know if he feels like he has to continue to remain strong for us, for me.  I am sure he does.  I know we grieve differently and we are in this process together, but I think he hurts as much as I do.

In being that support for us, Jarrett comes home earlier from work so he can spend time with the kids before they go to bed, he tries to be around more on the weekends, when previously he would have worked at least one if not both days on the weekends, and he sits more regularly with me at night, when previously he would have worked.  I know he's doing his best to balance all the balls floating in the air and sometimes I wonder if he'd so focused on keeping up with all his responsibilities, that he puts his own needs and wants so far back, that he never gets around to it.

When we were going through the days of Noah's time here, Jarrett learned he was selected for what I think to be a huge award.  Jarrett was selected by the Phoenix Business Journal as one of the 2015 Class of 40 under 40.  The article about the award states, the honorees are dynamic leaders in their business and industries. They strive to inspire, innovate and instigate change.  They have an entrepreneurial spirit- whether they are running their own companies, or leading change and growth from within organizations.  These men and women already are champions in their for-profit and nonprofit world, and will help lead this community for years to come.  Of over 400 nominees, he was selected to be one of 40.

 Never once did he mention it.  It was only later, weeks later, after the chaos had slowed, family returned home and our lives were back to "our new normal" that I asked him how his work was, what was new with his day, that he shared.  Never bragging, almost downplaying it saying, "I'm honored," and in the next breath, "I miss our son."  I'm proud of him for his accomplishment and while he's not one to brag or even talk about his accolades, I'll shout it from the rooftops, he deserves it.

Since Noah's passing, I've shared I find myself pulling away, internalizing everything that has happened, which makes it difficult for me to be present with everything going on around me.  I try and some days I'm better at it than others.  I also see, while I try to be supportive to him, I feel I don't deserve to feel his embrace, or the love from the kids.  Its a personal thing I struggle with, I think because of the guilt I carry in what I must have done to cause this.

Last December when Jarrett and I drove home from Christmas in Iowa, we had a lot of time to talk (1700 miles of talking), and if there is one benefit of driving across the country in a van with three kids and a DVD player, its that you get a chance to talk.

One of the quiet moments, when all three of them fell asleep.

In that conversation, Jarrett and I talked about our lives, how it was so different than we thought it was going to be back in 2003 when we got married.  How we had faced some trials, some challenges, but had been blessed in so many ways, especially with the kids.  We talked about how we were happy we had each other and that we were many uncertainties in life but, we never once questioned our relationship.  In our talk I asked Jarrett what else he wanted out of life, what future dreams he had.  I'll never forget his answer and can picture his response that day driving through Kansas as clearly as I can picture the moments of Noah's birth.

He reached across the center counsel, grabbed my hand and said, "We are so blessed to have Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle and I love them with my full heart, but one thing I dream about is getting to have a baby with you."  I smiled and tightened the grip of our hands embracing.  He knew that was the dream I had carried in my heart from when I was a little girl and wanted nothing more than to give him a child for many many years.  Having Gabriel, Michael and Isabelle, fulfilled my dream to become a mother and after my sister became pregnant I had finally let that dream go.  Hearing Jarrett share his dream, that was still so strongly felt in his heart, made me happy he hadn't let go of it.

I'm not sure why we got pregnant just a few weeks after that conversation, especially after all of those years of trying, but it happened.  Our dream did come true, Noah was the gift we both so badly wanted.  He showed me that dreams to come true, even if the story didn't end the way we wanted it to.  And Noah showed me that the man I married back on August 9, 2003 was an even better man than I realized (and I thought I had won the lottery in getting a good man).

Many nights I lay in bed, awake, thinking about life and feel bad that I haven't been the mother, daughter, sister, friend and partner I was prior to this happening.  I don't feel as present as I was before, as attentive to other's needs or wants, or even as loving as I feel I use to be.  Its the hurt, its the anger and its the grief, that I attribute these actions to.  Of the many reasons I feel bad for the way I've coped with this tragedy, I feel most badly about how I've not been there to support Jarrett.  Lately, its a one way street- he's guiding me down this path, while I drag my feet behind, not interested in going any further.

And so, as I think about the last 68 days, I give thanks to Jarrett.  I'm thankful that he's stayed by my side.  That he hasn't given up.  That he knows what to say when I need to hear it, and when to not say anything.  Maybe that the benefit of knowing someone for 20 years, you know them so well, its almost like knowing yourself.

Jarrett, I am sorry for how weak I've been. I'm sorry I haven't been there like you've been there for me.  I am grateful you haven't given up on us, on me, or on our family.  I love you more today than I did yesterday and can't imagine walking this horrific road with anyone other than you.  I'm just sorry we are on this path.  I wish more than anything I could have carried our son for another 15 weeks and that he would have come home into our arms.  I am sorry for my part in the ending to this story, but I'm thankful even more for us, than I've ever been.

While Noah's life was tragically cut short, he showed us love in ways we didn't know.  He shows us how strong we could be together, and Jarrett, he showed me that together we created a pretty amazing baby.

Jarrett, I hope you know how much I love and care about you.  I hope you realize, while I spend many nights quietly thinking at the front living room table, I long for our lives to get better.  I want there to be a silver lining in this pain.  I want to see our life as the rainbow after the storm.  I want to have faith and hope that better days are in our future.   But mostly I want those days to be with you.  You are the rock in our family, the concrete foundation in our shaking ground.  I need you.  I'm thankful for you. Thank you for helping to give me Noah, for loving our children, and for always being "my partner in caring."

I love you.

Angie

Rainbow Bread

We continue to be blessed with gifts of kindness from so many. 

Today we were given a beautiful, yummy loaf of homemade bread.  But this loaf was special, see for yourself...

Yes, that is a loaf of Rainbow bread.  

Isn't that the coolest bread ever?

And with the bread came a card...

I'm deeply thankful for the kind and thoughtful person who brought me a sign in the form of one of my favorite comfort foods.

In this new reality that we live in, I'm telling myself each day to try and find one thing each day that is good.  I hope that by making a point to try and find one thing that is a positive, I can start to crawl out of this hell, I reside.  Today, there were a few positives...

One was getting to talk to my friend Jill from Iowa.  We haven't talked in years, but have many connections and now we share another, we've both walked the journey of being a NICU mom.  Thankfully Jill's story came with a happy ending and now her precious baby is getting ready to begin the 4th grade.  In talking with Jill she shared with me how she had been impacted by Noah and that she thinks of him everyday.  She shared,  "Angie, don't you worry, Noah will never be forgotten."  In hearing Jill say those words, I found my moment of good in the day.  I do not want him to be forgotten, to have just been a tiny blimp in time.  No, my son left a huge imprint on my life and hearing Jill say he continues to be thought of daily, was healing medication to my shattered heart.

Another positive was getting to spend time with my mom.  We did nothing really exciting today, I cleaned my house and she worked on taking care of some of her work back home from afar.  But it was her company, just having her here, to be that support for me, I am thankful.  There's really nothing to say, that hasn't been said.  There's really not anything she can do to take away my pain or sorrow, but just having her here... she's just here and that helps me too.

I also was treated by a friend to some yummy peanut butter fudge and amazing banana nut bread.  It is all so yummy. While I love my sugar and the treats were so great, what was even more special, was getting to enjoy dinner, to talk and catching up.  I'm so thankful for your friendship and for being that constant reminder in my ear that life can get better again.  When I have no  hope to believe it, I pray that someday I'm going to look at you and thank you for telling me over and over.  

And finally, the gift of rainbow bread. Opening up the bag, reading the card and peeling back the tin foil to find the yummy treat, I was deeply touched.  How special that someone would go out of their way to make me feel better as if it was sent straight from Heaven above.  It was a great moment in the day... thank you for helping to give me my one positive for the day.  I'm grateful.

Until next time,.

Angie